Myth-Nomers & Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  "He raised a good point, though," the Djin continued as if I hadn't spoken. "Just where are we going, anyway?"

  "Down the street."

  "I meant, 'what's our destination?' I thought you said the phone book was no help."

  Despite its millions of inhabitants, the Pervish phone book we found had turned out to have less than a dozen pages. Apparently unlisted phone numbers were very big in this dimension, just one more indication of the social nature of the citizens. Of course, leafing vainly through it, it had occurred to me that Aahz had been with me off-dimension for so long that it was doubtful he would have been in the book even if it contained a full listing.

  "I repeat, we're going down the street," I repeated.

  "Beyond that, I don't know where we're going. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

  "Then why are we moving at all?" the Djin pressed.

  "Wouldn't it be better to wait until we decided on a course of action before we started moving?"

  I dodged around a slow-moving couple.

  "I think better when I'm walking. Besides, I don't want to draw unnecessary attention to us by lurking suspiciously in alleys while I come up with a plan."

  "Hey, you! Hold it a minute!"

  This last was blasted with such volume that it momentarily dominated the street noise. Glancing behind me, I saw a uniformed Pervect who looked like a giant bulldog with scales bearing down on me with a purposeful stride.

  "What's that?" I said, almost to myself.

  Of course, unlike the direct questions I had put to him, Kalvin decided to answer this one.

  "I believe it's what you referred to as 'unnecessary attention'...also known in some dimensions as a cop."

  "I can see that. I just can't understand what he wants with me."

  "What did you say?" the cop demanded, heaving to a halt in front of me.

  "Me? Nothing," I replied, barely remembering in time that he couldn't see or hear Kalvin. "What's the trouble, officer?"

  "Maybe you are. We'll see. What's your name?"

  "Don't tell him!" Kalvin whispered in my ear.

  "Why?" I said, the words slipping out before I had a chance to think.

  "Because it's my job to keep track of suspicious characters," the cop growled, taking my question as being directed at him.

  "Me? What have I done that's suspicious?"

  "I've been following you for a couple of blocks now, and I've seen how you keep swervin' around folks. I even saw you apologize to someone and...say, I'll ask the questions here. Now, what's your name?"

  "Tell him to bag it!" Kalvin advised. "He doesn't have a warrant or anything."

  "Skeeve, sir," I supplied, desperately trying to ignore the Djin. All I needed now was to. get in trouble with the local authorities. "Sorry if I'm acting strange, but I'm...not from around here and I'm a little disoriented."

  I decided at the last moment to try to keep my off-dimension origins a secret. The policeman seemed to be fooled by my disguise spell, and I saw no point in enlightening him unless asked directly.

  "You're being too polite!" the Djin whispered insistently.

  "That's what made him suspicious in the first place, remember?"

  "Not from around here, eh?" the cop snarled. "So tell me, Mr. Can't-Walk-Like-Normal-Folks-Skeeve, just where is it you're from...exactly?"

  So much for keeping my origins a secret. "Well, I was born on Klah, but lately I've been living at the Bazaar at Deva where I..."

  "From off-dimension! I might have known. I suppose comin' from Deva that you're going to try to tell me you're here on business."

  "Well, sort of. I'm here looking for my business partner."

  "Another one from off-dimension! Any more and we'll have to fumigate the whole place."

  The cop's mouth was starting to get on my nerves, but I thought it wise to keep a rein on my temper, despite the warning from Kalvin.

  "Actually, he's from here. That is, he's a Pervect."

  "A Pervect? Now I've heard everything. A fellow from off-dimension who claims to have a Pervect for a business partner!"

  That did it.

  "That's right!" I barked. "What's more, he happens to be my best friend. We had a fight and I'm trying to find him and get him to rejoin the company. What's it to you, anyway?"

  The cop gave ground a little, then scowled at me.

  "Well, I guess you're tellin' the truth. Even someone from off-dimension could come up with a better lie than that. Just watch your step, fella. We don't like outsiders much on Perv."

  He gave me one last hard glare, then wandered off, glancing back at me from time to time. Still a little hot under the collar, I matched him glare for glare.

  "That's better," Kalvin chortled, reminding me of his presence. "A Klahd, huh? That explains a few things.."

  "Oh, yeah? Like what?"

  Like I said, I was still a little miffed.

  "Like why we've been wandering around without a plan. You aren't used to metropolises this size, are you?"

  Mad as I was, I couldn't argue with that.

  "Well..."

  "If you don't mind, could I offer you a little advice without your asking for it?"

  I shrugged non-committally.

  "It's obvious to me this little search of yours could take some time. It might be a good idea if we hunted up a hotel to use for a base camp. If that cop had asked where you were staying on Perv, things might have gotten a little awkward."

  That made sense. It also brought home to me just how much of a stranger in a strange land I was. On most of my adventures I had either slept under the stars or had housing provided by friends or business associates. Consequently, I had remarkably little experience with hotels...like none.

  "Thanks, Kalvin," I said, regaining a bit of my normal composure. " So how do you recommend we find a hotel?"

  "We could hail a cab and ask the driver."

  Terrific. The Djin was being his normal, helpful self. I was beginning to feel some things weren't going to change.

  Chapter Four

  "Taxis are water soluble."

  -G. Kelly

  "I'LL TELL YA, this would be a pretty nice place, if it weren't for all the Perverts."

  The taxi driver said this the same way he had made all his comments since picking us up: over his shoulder while carelessly steering his vehicle full tilt through the melee of traffic.

  I had ignored most of his chatter, which didn't seem to bother him. He apparently didn't expect a response, but this last comment caught my interest.

  "Excuse me, but aren't you a Pervert...I mean, a Pervect?"

  The driver nodded vigorously and half turned in his seat to face me.

  "There. See what I mean?"

  Frankly, I didn't. If there was logic in his statement, it escaped my comprehension. What I did see, however, was that we were still plunging forward without slacking our speed. There was a tangle of stopped vehicles ahead which the driver seemed oblivious to as he tried to make his conversational point. A collision seemed inescapable.

  "Look out!" I shouted, pointing frantically at the obstructions.

  Without losing eye contact, the driver's hand lashed out and smashed down on the toy stuffed goose that was taped down in front of him. The thing let out a harsh, tremendous "HONK!!" that would have gotten it named king of the geese if they ever held an election.

  "Anyway, that's what I'm talkin' about." The driver finished and turned his attention forward again.

  The traffic jam had miraculously melted away before he had finished speaking, and we sailed through the intersection unscathed.

  "Relax, Skeeve," Kalvin laughed. "This guy's a professional."

  "A professional what?" I muttered.

  "How's that?" the driver said, starting to turn again.

  "NOTHING! I...nothing."

  I had been unimpressed with the taxi since it had picked us up. Actually, 'picked us up' is much too mild a phrase and doesn't begin to convey what had actually happened. />
  Following Kalvin's instructions, I had stepped to the curb and raised my hand.

  "Like this?" I said, making the mistake of turning my head to ask him directly.

  Facing away from the street, I missed what happened next, which is probably just as well. The normal traffic din suddenly erupted with shrieks and crashes. Startled, I jerked my hand back and jumped sideways to a spot a safer distance from the street. By the time I focused on the scene, most of the noise and the action had ceased.

  Traffic was backed up behind the vehicle crouched at the curb beside us, and blocked drivers were leaning out to shout and/or shake their fists threateningly. There may have been a few collisions, but the condition of most of the vehicles on the street was such that I couldn't be certain which damages were new and which were scars from earlier skirmishes.

  "That's right," Kalvin said, apparently unruffled by the mayhem which had just transpired. "Get in."

  "You're kidding!"

  The vehicle which had stopped for us was not one to inspire confidence. It was sort of a box-like contraption hanging between two low-slung, tailless lizards. The reptiles had blindfolds wrapped around their head obscuring their eyes, but they kept casting from side to side while their tongues lashed in and out questing for data on their surroundings. Simply put, they looked powerful and hungry enough for me to want to keep my distance.

  "Maybe we should wait for another one," I suggested hopefully.

  "Get in," the Djin ordered. "If we block traffic too long the cop will be back."

  That was sufficient incentive for me, and I bravely entered the box and took a seat behind the driver, Kalvin never leaving my shoulder. The interior of the box seemed safe enough. There were two seats in the rear where I was sitting, and another beside the driver, although the latter seemed filled to overflowing with papers and boxes that would occasionally spill to the floor when we took a corner too fast...which was always. There were notes and pictures pinned and taped to the walls and ceiling in a halo around the driver, and a confusing array of dials and switches on the panel in front of him. Basically, one had the suspicion the driver lived in his vehicle, which was vaguely reassuring. I mean, the man wouldn't do anything to endanger his own home, would he?

  "Where to?" the driver said, casually forcing his vehicle back into the flow of traffic.

  "Urn, just take me to a hotel."

  "Expensive...cheap...what?"

  "Oh, something moderate, maybe a bit on the inexpensive side."

  "Right."

  I was actually pretty well set financially. A money belt around my waist had over two thousand in gold I had brought along to cover expenses on my search. Still, there was no sense throwing it away needlessly, and I figured since I didn't plan to spend much time in my room, I wouldn' need anything particularly grand.

  Within the first few blocks, however, I had pause to reconsider the wisdom of my choice of vehicles. As far as I could tell, the lizards were blindfolded to prevent their animal survival instinct from interfering with the driver's orders. I couldn't figure out how he was controlling them but he seemed determined to maintain a breakneck pace regardless of minor considerations like safety and common sense.

  "So, have you two been on Perv long?"

  The driver's voice dragged me back to the present my mind had been trying so desperately to ignore.

  "Just got here today. In fact."

  Suddenly, I zeroed in on what he had said.

  "Excuse me, did you say 'you two?' "

  The driver bobbed his head in acknowledgment.

  "That's right. It isn't often I get a Klahd or a Djin, much less one of each in the same fare

  He not only knew how many we were, he had spotted! what we were! Needless to say, the news was not welcome.

  "What the..." Kalvin started, but I silenced him with a gesture.

  "Before I answer, do you mind my asking how you knew?" I said, casually glancing around to see if there was a way we could exit rapidly if necessary.

  "Scanned you when you got in," the driver said, pointing briefly to a small screen amidst the clutter of his other devices. "A cabbie can't be too careful these days...not with the crime rate the way it is. We're moving targets for every amateur stick-up artist or hijacker who needs a quick bankroll. I had that baby installed so I'd know in advance what was sittin' down behind me." He shot me a quick wink over his shoulder. "Don't worry, though. I won't charge you extra for the Djin. He don't take up much space. So far as I can tell, you two are harmless enough."

  That reassured me, at least to a point where I no longer considered jumping from the moving vehicle.

  "I take it you don't share the general low opinion of folks from off-dimension?"

  "Don't make no never mind to me, as long as you pay your way," the driver waved. "As far as I can tell, you got enough money on ya that I don't think you'll try to welch on anything as piddling as a cab fare. Keep up the disguise, though. Some of the merchants around here will raise their prices at the sight of someone from off-dimension just to make you feel unwelcome...and things are already priced sky-high."

  "Thanks for the warning."

  "...And you might be careful carrying so much cash. Everything you've heard about crime on the streets in this place is true. In fact, you'd probably be best off hiring yourself a bodyguard while you're here. If you want, I can recommend a couple good ones."

  "You know, that might not be a bad idea," Kalvin said. "In case I hadn't mentioned it, Djinger is a pretty peaceful dimension. I won't be much help to you in a fight."

  I ignored him as the cabbie continued, apparently unable to hear the Djin despite his various devices. Remembering some of the dangers I had faced in my adventures, the idea of hiring someone to guard me just to walk down the street seemed a little ludicrous.

  "I appreciate your concern, but I'm pretty good at looking out for myself."

  "Suit yourself, it was just a suggestion. Say, you want something to eat? I sell snack packs."

  He used one hand to pick up a box from the seat beside him and shove it in my direction. It was filled with small bags with stuff oozing through the sides.

  "Uh...not just now, thanks," I said, trying to fight down the sudden queasiness I felt.

  The driver was not to be daunted. He tossed the box back onto the seat and snatched up a booklet. "How about a guidebook, then? I write and print 'em myself. It's better'n anything you'll find on the stands...and cheaper, too."

  That might have come in handy, but glancing at it I could see the print was a series of squiggles and hieroglyphics that were meaningless to me. I always travel with a translator pendant to get around the language barrier, but unfortunately its powers don't extend to the written word. "I don't suppose you have a Klahdish translation, do you?"

  "Sorry," he said, tossing the booklet in the same general direction the box had gone. "I'm takin' a few courses to try to learn some other languages, but Klahdish isn't one of them. Not enough demand, ya know?"

  Despite my continuing concern over his attention to his driving, the cabbie was beginning to interest me.

  "I must say you're enterprising enough. Cab driver, publisher, cook, translator...is there anything else you do?"

  "Oh, I'm into a lot of things. Photography, tour guide...I even draw a little. Some of these drawings I did. I'd be willing to part with them for the right price."

  He gestured at some of the sheets adorning the interior, and the cab veered dangerously to the right.

  "Ah...actually, I was interested in something else you said just now."

  "Yeah? What's that?"

  "Tour guide."

  "Oh, that. Sure. I love to when I get the chance. It's sweet money. Beats the heck out of fighting the other hacks for fares all day long."

  I glanced at Kalvin and raised a questioning eyebrow.

  "Go ahead," he said. "We could use a guide, and you seem to be getting along with this guy pretty well. You know what they say, 'Better the Deveel you know.' "


  Obviously the Djin's knowledge did not extend to Deveels, but this wasn't the time or place to instruct him. I turned my attention back to the driver.

  "I was thinking of hiring you more as a guide than a tour guide. How much do you make a day with this cab?"

  "Well, on a good day I can turn better than a hundred."

  "Uh-huh," I said. "How about on an average day?"

  That earned me another over-the-shoulder glance.

  "I gotta say, fella, you sure don't talk like a Klahd."

  "I live at the Bazaar at Deva," I smiled. "It does wonders for your bargaining skills. How much?"

  We haggled back and forth for a few minutes, but eventually settled on a figure. It seemed fair, and I wasn't exactly in a position to be choosy. If the device the cabbie had used was widespread in his profession, my disguise would be blown the second I stepped into a cab, and there was no guarantee the next driver would be as well disposed toward off-dimensioners as our current junior entrepreneur.

  "Okay, you've got yourself a guide," the driver said at last. "Now, who am I working for?"

  "I'm Skeeve, and the Djin with me is Kalvin."

  "Don't know about the Djin," the cabbie shrugged. "Either he don't talk much or I can't hear him. Pleased to meetcha, though, Mr. Skeeve. I'm Edvik."

  He extended a hand into the back seat, which I shook cautiously. I had encountered Pervish handshakes before and could still feel them in my joints in wet weather.

  "So, where do you want to go first?"

  That seemed like a strange question to me, but I answered it anyway.

  "To a hotel, same as before."

  "Uh-uh."

  "Excuse me?" I said, puzzled.

  "Hey, you hired a guide, you're going to get one. You're about to check into a hotel, right?"

  "That's right."

  "Well, you try to check into a Pervish hotel the way you are, without luggage, and they're going to give you a rough time whether they figure you're from off-dimension or not. They'll be afraid that you're trying to get access to a room to steal the furniture or maybe to try to break into other rooms on the same floor."