Myth-Nomers & Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  "What line of work did you say you were in. Mister Skeeve?"

  I noted that the "Mister" had reappeared, but wasn't up to arguing over it.

  "I'm a magician...Well, actually I'm the president of an association of magicians...a corporation."

  I managed to stop there before I started babbling. I've noticed a tendency in myself to run on when I'm nervous.

  "...And the name of your corporation?"

  "Urn...M.Y.T.H. Inc."

  He jotted the information down on a small notepad.

  "Your home offices are on Klah?"

  "No. We operate out of Deva...At the Bazaar."

  He glanced up at me with his eyebrows raised, then caught himself and regained his composure.

  "Would you happen to know what bank you deal with on Deva?"

  "Bank? I mean, not really. Aahz and Bunny...our financial section usually handles that end of the business."

  Any hope I had of a credit line went out the window. I didn't know for sure we did any banking. Aahz was a stickler for keeping our funds readily available. I couldn't imagine a bank wanting to deal with someone who didn't trust banks, or to take my word for what our cash holdings were...even if I knew what they were.

  The banker was studying his notes.

  "Of course you understand, we'll have to run a check on this."

  I started to rise. At this point all I wanted was out of his office.

  "Certainly," I said, trying to maintain a modicum of poise. "How long will that take, just so I'll know when to contact you again?"

  Malcolm waved a casual hand at me as he turned to a keyboard at the side of his desk.

  "Oh, it won't take any time at all. I'll just use the computer to take a quick peek. I should have an answer in a couple of seconds."

  I couldn't make up my mind whether to be astonished or concerned. Astonished won out.

  "...But my office is on Deva," I said, repeating myself unnecessarily.

  "Quite right," the banker responded absently as he hammered busily on the keys. "Fortunately, computers and cats can see and work right through dimensional barriers. The trick is to get them to do it when you want them to instead of when they feel like it."

  Of the assorted thoughts which whirled in my mind at this news, only one stood out.

  "Do the police have computers?"

  "Not of this quality or capacity." He favored me with a smug, tight-lipped smile. "Civil services don't have access to the same financial resources that banks do...Ah! Here we go."

  He leaned forward and squinted at the computer's screen, which I couldn't see from where I sat. I wondered if it was coincidence that the view was blocked from the visitor's chair, then decided it was a silly question.

  "Impressive. Very impressive indeed." He shot a glance at me. "Might I ask who handles your portfolio?"

  "My portfolio? I'm not an artist. I'm a magician...like I told you."

  "An artist. That's a good one, Skeeve...you don't mind if I call you Skeeve, do you?" The banker laughed as if we shared a mutual joke. "I meant your portfolio of stocks and investments."

  His original warmth had returned...and then some. Whatever he had seen on the screen had definitely improved his opinion of me.

  "Oh. That would be Bunny. She's my administrative assistant."

  "I hope you pay her well. Otherwise some other outfit might be tempted to swoop down and hire her away from you."

  From his tone, I could make a pretty good guess as to which outfit might be interested in doing just that.

  "Among other things, she holds stock in our operation." I said pointedly.

  "Of course, of course. Just a thought. Well Mis...Skeeve, I'm sure we can provide you with adequate financial support during your stay on Perv. What's more I hope you'll keep us in mind should you ever want to open an office here and need to open a local account."

  Pervects have an exceptional number of teeth, and Malcolm seemed determined to show all of his to me without missing a syllable. I was starting to get impressed myself. I had known our operation was doing well, but had never stopped to assess exactly how well. If the banker's reaction was an accurate gauge, however, we must have been doing very well indeed!

  "If you'll give me just a moment here, Skeeve," he said, lunging out of his seat and heading for the door, "I'll get the staff started while we fill out the necessary paperwork. We should be able to have some imprinted checks and one of our special, solid gold credit cards ready for you before you leave."

  "Hold it, Malcolm!"

  Things were suddenly starting to move uncomfortably fast, and I wanted a bit of clarification before they went much further.

  The banker stopped as if he had hit the end of an invisible leash.

  "Yes?"

  "As you can probably tell, I'm not as at home with financial terms as I should be. Would you mind defining 'adequate financial support' to me...in layman' s terms?"

  The smile vanished as he licked his lips nervously.

  "Well," he said, "we should be able to cover your day-to-day needs, but if you were to require substantial backing...say, over seven figures, we'd probably appreciate a day's warning."

  Seven figures! He was saying the bank was ready to supply me with up to ten million...more if I gave them warning. I resolved that when I got back to the office, I was going to have to have Bunny go over our exact financial condition with me!

  Chapter Sixteen

  "You can judge the success of a man by his bodyguards!"

  -PRINCE

  EDVIK WAS VISIBLY impressed by my success with the bank. That was all right. I was impressed, too.

  "Gee! A solid gold card! I've heard about those, but I've never really seen one before," he exclaimed as I proudly displayed my prize. "Not bad for a guy who didn't think the bankers would want to even talk to him."

  "It's my first time to deal with a bank," I said loftily. "To be honest with you, I didn't even know about credit cards until Malcolm explained them to me."

  A cloud passed over the cabbie's face.

  "You've never had a credit card before? Well, watch your step is all I can say. They can be a dangerous habit, and if you get behind, bankers can be worse than Deveels to deal with."

  "Worse than Deveels?"

  I didn't like the sound of that. Deveels were a devil I knew...if you'll pardon the pun. Now I was starting to wonder if I should have asked a few more questions before accepting the bank's services.

  "Don't worry about it," Edvick said, giving my back a hearty slap. "With your money, you can't go wrong. Now then, let's see about finding you a bodyguard."

  "Urn...excuse me, but something just occurred to me."

  "What's that?"

  "Well, now that I have checks and a credit card, I don't have to carry a lot of cash around."

  "Yeah. So?"

  "So if I'm not carrying a lot of cash, what do I need a bodyguard for?"

  The cabbie rubbed his chin thoughtfully before answering.

  "First of all, just because you and I and the bank know you aren't carrying a big wad anymore doesn't mean the muggers know it."

  "Good point. I..."

  "Then again, there's the gang that might still be after you for roughing them up last night..."

  "Okay. Why don't we..."

  "...And there's still an ax murderer loose somewhere around your hotel..."

  "Enough! I get the picture! Let's go find a bodyguard."

  It occurred to me that if I listened to Edvick long enough, I'd either want more than one bodyguard or decide not to set foot outside my room at all.

  "Good," my guide declared, rubbing his hands together as the cab commenced its now familiar swerving. "I think I know just the person."

  Settling back in my seat, it occurred to me that Edvick would probably get a kickback from this bodyguard he was lining me up with. That would explain his enthusiasm to get us together. I banished the thought as a needless suspicion.

  The alert reader may have noticed that
with the exception of a vague reference to the fat lady in the department store, I have said absolutely nothing about female Pervects. There's a reason for that. Frankly, they intimidate me.

  Now don't get me wrong, male Pervects are quite fearsome, as can be ascertained by my accounts of my friend and partner, Aahz. On the whole, they are big and muscular and would just as soon break you in two as look at you. Still, they possess a certain rough and tumble sense of humor, and are not above blustering a bit. All in all, they remind me of a certain type of lizard: the kind that puffs itself up and hisses when it's threatened...it can give a nasty bite, but it would probably prefer you to back down.

  Female Pervects seem to be cut from a whole different bolt of cloth. Their eyes are narrower and set further back on the head, making them look more...well, reptilian. They never smile or laugh, and they don't ever bluff. In short, they look and act more dangerous than their male counterparts.

  Some of you may wonder why I am choosing this point of the narrative to expound on the subject of female Pervects. The rest of you have already figured it out. For the former, let it suffice to say that the bodyguard Edvick introduced me to was a female.

  We found her in a bar, a lounge, actually, which the cabbie informed me she used as an office between jobs. She didn't move or blink as we approached her table, which I came to realize meant she had been watching us from the moment we walked through the door. Edvick slid into a vacant chair at her table without invitation and motioned me into another.

  "This is Skeeve...the Klahd I was telling you about," he announced, then fumed to me. "Skeeve, this here's the bodyguard I'd recommend for you. There may be some better at doing what she does, but if so, I don't know 'em. For protection against physical or magikal attacks, she's top of the line."

  With that, he leaned back in his chair, letting us size each other up like two predators meeting over a fresh kill.

  Female Pervects seem to come in two body types. I'll tell you about the other type later, but the kind the bodyguard was, was the lean, wiry variety. Even sitting down I could tell she was tall, taller than me, anyway. Where Pervish males, as typified by Aahz, were generally built like walls, she was as slender and supple as a whip...a rapier to their ax. I've mentioned that the men reminded me of lizards, well, she made me think of a poisonous snake...graceful and beautiful without being attractive. She was wearing a dark waist-length cape that was almost a poncho except it was open in front, revealing a form-fitting jumpsuit underneath. Even a violence know-nothing like me could tell the cape would be perfect for producing and vanishing weapons with unsettling ease. Overall, she impressed me as being the most deadly woman I had ever met...realizing I haven't met that many green, bald, scaly women.

  "I hear you drink," she said bluntly, breaking the silence.

  "Not well...and, after last night, not often," I returned.

  That earned me a curt nod.

  "Good. A girl's got to watch her reputation."

  It never even occurred to me that she might be referring to her way with me. She was stating quite simply that if anything happened to me while she was on guard, her professional status would suffer. What's more, she didn't want to risk that reputation on a fool. As one inclined to talk too much, I was impressed with how much she could communicate with so few words.

  "Ever work with a bodyguard before?"

  "Yes. I have two back on Deva. They were...busy elsewhere, so I came to Perv alone."

  There was a flicker in her eye and a slight tightening of her lips, which was as close as she came to expressing her opinion of bodyguards who let their principal come to Perv unescorted, then she continued with the subject at hand.

  "Good. That means you already know the basic drill. The way I work, I go where you go and sleep where you sleep. I go through any door ahead of you unless I'm covering your exit, and I taste everything before you put it in your mouth. Clear?"

  "I don't think you have to worry about poison on this one," Edvick said, "just muggers and..."

  She cut him off with a glance.

  "If he pays for the full treatment, he gets the full treatment. Clear, Skeeve?"

  "On covering my exit...how do we handle it if we don't know what's on the other side of the door?"

  I was thinking of how I got mousetrapped sneaking out of the last bar I was in.

  "I cover you as far as the door, then you stand beside me while I check the exit. If there's trouble, I'll tell you which way to move...in or out."

  "Clear."

  "Any other questions?"

  "Just if you'll be available for anywhere from a few days to a week, "I said. "If so, I'd like to retain your services."

  "Don't you want to know what I charge?"

  I shrugged. "Why? I'm impressed. I'm ready to pay whatever it costs." I paused, then smiled. "Besides, you don't strike me as the type to either up the cost for a well-heeled client or to haggle over prices."

  That earned me a brief, flat stare.

  "I'll take the job," she said finally. "And you're right. I don't haggle or pad the bill. Those are two of my more endearing traits."

  I wasn't sure if that last was intended as a joke or not, but decided it was as close as she was apt to get, and chuckled appreciatively.

  "One more thing...what's your name?"

  "Pookanthimbusille."

  "Excuse me?" I blinked.

  She gave a small shrug.

  "Just call me Pookie. It's easier."

  "Pookie?"

  At first it struck me as a ridiculously silly name for her. Then I ran my eyes over her again, and allowed as how she could be called anything she wanted to be called. If anyone laughed, it wouldn't be me.

  "Pookie it is then...just checking to be sure I had the pronunciation right. Shall we go?"

  I had Edvick drive us back to the hotel. While I hadn't gotten a lot accomplished today toward finding Aahz, what I had done had left me feeling a little drained. Besides, there was another little matter I wanted to take care of.

  For a change, luck seemed to be with me. As the cab pulled up in front of the hotel I could see J.R. at his usual place by the entrance. I figured that was fortunate since I wouldn't have known where to find him otherwise. I caught his eye through the window and waved him over. Unfortunately, Pookie didn't see me wave. All she saw was a street vendor moving to intercept us as we emerged from the cab.

  "Pookie! NO!"

  I was barely in time.

  My bodyguard had a sinister looking weapon out and was drawing a bead on J.R. almost before I could say anything. At the sound of my warning, however, all movement froze and she shot me a vaguely quizzical look.

  "It's all right," I said hastily. "He's a friend of mine. He' s coming over because I waved at him as we pulled up."

  The weapon vanished as she gave the street vendor a hard, appraising look.

  "Interesting friends you have."

  "He was the one who saved my bacon in last night's encounter with the local wildlife. Hang on a few...I've got a little business to transact with him."

  Pookie nodded and began scanning the immediate area with a watchful eye as I turned to J.R.

  "Interesting friends you've got," he said, staring at my bodyguard.

  "Funny, she was just saying the same thing about you. She's my new bodyguard. After last night, it seemed like a good idea. Incidentally, sorry about that welcome. I forgot to warn her you were coming over."

  "No problem. What's up?"

  "I paid a little visit to the bank today," I explained, holding up my checkbook. "Now I've got the funding for that little venture of ours."

  "Hey! That's terrific! That's all I need to start making us some real money."

  "Not so fast," I cautioned. "Let's settle the details and paper this thing first."

  "What for? You've already said you trust me and I sure trust you."

  "It's cleaner this way. Contracts are the best way to be sure we're both hearing the same thing in this arrangement...not to men
tion it documents the split at the beginning instead of waiting until we're arguing over a pile of profits."

  He was still a bit-reluctant, but I managed to convince him and we scribbled down the details in duplicate on some pieces of paper he produced from one of his many pockets. I say 'we' because I couldn't read or write Pervish, and he was equally ignorant of Klahdish, so we each had to make two copies of the agreement in our own language. To say the least, I didn't drive a particularly hard bargain...25% of the profits after expenses. I figured he would be doing all of the work, so he should get the bulk of the reward. All I was doing was funding him. I even put in a clause where he could buy out my share if things went well. When it was done, we each signed all the copies and shook hands.

  "Thanks, Skeeve," the vendor beamed, stuffing one copy of each translation into a pocket. "Believe me, this is a sure money maker."

  "Any idea yet where your storefront is going to be?"

  "No. Remember I said I was going to start out small? Well, I figure to start by supplying the other street vendors, then using the profits from that to lease and stock the store-front. It'll probably be three weeks to a month before I'm ready for that move."

  A month wasn't too bad for start-up time. I admired his industry and confidence.

  "Well, good luck!" I said sincerely. "Be sure to leave word for me at the bank when you have a permanent address. I'll be in touch."

  He gathered his wares and headed off down the street as I joined Pookie once more.

  "I'd like to apologize for that mix-up," I said. "I should have let you know he was coming over."

  "I figured he was okay," the bodyguard replied, still watching the street. "He didn't move like a mugger. It just seemed like a good time for a little demonstration, so I did my thing."