Degrees of Passion

by Michelle M. Pillow

  Sasha closed her eyes, trying to picture the future. She’d seen it with Trevor so many times – elegant vacations, nice homes, large dinner parties and princess-style balls. Life with him would be safe. Trevor represented the fairytale every girl grew up wanting. It was the one thing she’d been sure of, even if she’d come to realize that life with Trevor wasn’t for her. But what about Kevin? Was the backpacking through the Amazon or staying in some sand-infested tent in the middle of the desert what she wanted?

  ‘You’re overthinking.’ Kat pinched her lightly on the side. ‘Don’t do what you do and analyze the future. Just let what happens happen. Be in the now. No one is saying you have to pick your future husband today. Nothing in this life is final.’

  ‘Thanks, guru.’ Sasha gave a small laugh.

  ‘Hey.’ Kat leaned her head on Sasha’s shoulder. ‘I love that you’re talking to me like this. We should do it more often.’

  Sasha’s heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. ‘Yeah, we do.’

  ‘So, what’s your plan? Are you going to go back to his house? What are you going to say?’ Kat pulled back, checking out Sasha’s outfit. ‘And you need to change your clothes. Laundered or not, you’ve been in that thing a couple of days now. It’s time to change.’

  Sasha shook her head in denial. ‘I can’t go back there today, not after my embarrassing outburst. I’ll give him a call tomorrow.’

  ‘You never said how the argument started.’ Kat reached for her coffee once more, taking a drink.

  Sasha, too, picked up her drink, watching the creamer-tinted liquid rock beneath the cup’s rim. She hadn’t told Kat about the diet pills she’d taken when she first started working out. ‘It was nothing. A stupid misunderstanding that escalated.’

  ‘You should invite him to family dinner,’ Kat suggested. ‘We can help put him at ease and Dad would be so happy, not to mention Mom.’

  Sasha gave a nervous laugh. There was no way she was taking Kevin home to meet the parents. Not yet. Not until she knew for sure. ‘Yeah, maybe.’

  ‘Oh, before I forget.’ Kat stood. ‘I bought some great sweaters you’ll need to borrow for your little upstate trip. We’ll pack them now and you can take them with you today.’

  ‘You need to stop doing that,’ Sasha said. ‘We all know that you buy us clothes on the sly and then tell us to borrow them or to just take them because you need more closet space.’

  ‘Quiet,’ Kat warned, grinning. ‘Or I’ll stop doing it.’

  ‘I didn’t say a thing.’ Sasha stood, following her sister from the room.

  Sasha picked up the phone several times to call Kevin, only to stop and hang up before it began to ring. What could she say to him? Sorry? I want more? Can I come back over? Do you even want me like I want you?

  ‘Ah, shit!’ Sasha forcefully flipped her phone shut. Nothing she came up with sounded right until finally she decided it would be best to wait and see him Monday at Project Aztec. If he was still mad about how they had left things that would give him time to cool off.

  Sasha liked having the dorm suite to herself. For once her bedroom felt warm. Lulu’s parents were in town visiting for the weekend and her roommate was staying with them at the hotel. Jo and Carrie were at a club, dancing.

  Turning her attention back to the open textbook in front of her, she grabbed a pen and the tip hovered over the blank notebook page. She needed to focus. If she worked ahead on the syllabus and completed two papers that were due soon, she’d save herself a headache in the upcoming weeks and she’d have that much less to do over spring break. She’d be able to turn her full attention to Kevin and their presentation.

  She forced her eyes to follow the words, concentrating on what she read. Just as she was getting into the groove, the phone rang. She jumped in alarm at the unexpected sound.

  ‘Kevin!’ Sasha picked up her phone, eagerly looking at the caller ID. Seeing it was Trevor, she frowned.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Sasha? Finally. I was worried about you. I’ve been trying to call you all day. Didn’t you get my messages?’ Trevor asked.

  ‘I’ve been really busy,’ she lied.

  ‘Oh, well, that makes sense,’ he said, sounding somewhat relieved.

  ‘I’m here now. What did you need?’ Sasha tried to keep the annoyance out of her voice. Maybe it was the month apart, but she found herself very tired of him.

  ‘That’s not very welcoming,’ Trevor scolded.

  ‘You want welcoming?’ Sasha snorted in disbelief. ‘Hang up and I’ll text it to you.’

  ‘I see. You’re sore about that, are you? I thought it best, rather than to call for a confrontation.’

  ‘Trevor, did you call for a reason? I don’t feel like fighting. I have two papers to write and three books to read.’ She stood and began to pace the short length of her bedroom, stopping at Lulu’s bed only to turn around and walk back towards her own. Her shadow stretched over her head, bending onto the ceiling to keep her company.

  ‘I don’t want to fight with you either. I told you I’d call when I left Italy and got settled in. Today I’m officially settled in. I start the new job Monday.’

  ‘Just another shining example of how you couldn’t be bothered to deal with us until it was convenient for you. What? Cynthia finally went home and you’re doing an international booty call?’

  ‘Did a picture make it to the city papers?’ Trevor asked. ‘I can explain. We were only dancing and she tripped against me. I—’

  Sasha closed her eyes. ‘Hey, Trevor, we’re not dating anymore. You don’t have to lie about it. If something happened between you and Cynthia, just tell me. I’d rather find out from you now than later from someone else.’

  There was a long pause, punctuated by a small sigh. ‘The night we broke up, the first time, Cynthia and I slept together in a linen closet at the charity function we were at that night.’

  Sasha nodded. The news stung her ego, but it didn’t hurt as deeply as she thought it might. Instead, she thought of Kevin.

  ‘I didn’t think it worth discussing because I know you went home with that anthropology geek. Kent was in the Village and saw the two of you kissing. He followed you and then called me when you went up to his room. But it’s all right. I forgave you that very night. Technically, we weren’t together.’

  ‘Wait, you knew?’ Sasha frowned. ‘How could you not say anything?’

  ‘I’d slept with Cynthia. Really, we were even. There was nothing to get jealous over. I called you and you came back to me. You chose me over him.’

  ‘Wow.’ Sasha rolled her eyes and shook her head. ‘I wish you understood how horrible that sounds. If you really loved me, the idea of me with another man should have eaten you up inside. I can’t believe I chose you over him.’

  ‘OK, you’re upset,’ he stated, as if that explained away her comment.

  ‘No, Trevor, I’m in love.’

  ‘Oh, sweetheart, I love you, too.’ His voice dipped, only this time it had no effect on her. She’d never noticed before, but, when he said the words, they weren’t filled with passion or even true man-woman love. They were an offhanded remark, like the way she’d tell her sisters before hanging up the telephone.

  ‘Not with you,’ she corrected. ‘I’m in love with Kevin.’

  Her heart hammered in her chest. She couldn’t believe she was finally saying the words out loud and to the wrong man! She was in love with Kevin. She’d never felt this deeply about Trevor, not in all the years they’d been together. He’d been safe, an ideal, a secure thought for the future. He’d been a way to keep from making any real decisions in her life. For, if she was with him, she didn’t have to be with anyone else and she never had to make a decision. Trevor always found a way to assert his power over the situation.

  ‘Kevin?’ he said in surprise. ‘The anthropology geek?’

  ‘He’s not a geek,’ Sasha stated. ‘He’s a smart, decent, hard-working man who isn’t afraid to forge his own path.
He’s not afraid of saying what he wants from life and, if he wants a woman, he’s not scared of what mommy and daddy think about her. If he loves a woman, he’d shout it from every rooftop.’

  ‘We both agreed to keep our relationship secret. You can hardly complain about that now.’

  ‘I get it, Trevor. You never really loved me. You liked that I loved you, but you never really cared for me.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ Trevor interrupted. ‘I do care for you. It’s just . . . We’re from different worlds. You’ve never fully understood mine. I have obligations and duties and there are expectations of—’

  ‘You’re right,’ Sasha broke in. ‘I’m sorry, I got carried away. That wasn’t fair. I agreed to our secrecy, but I shouldn’t have. I know you care for me. I care for you, but I don’t love you, not like I should. I only hope that one day you find a woman you want so badly you won’t care about things like obligation and duty. I hope she sweeps you off your feet and never puts you back down.’

  ‘So this guy, he’s . . . ?’ Trevor’s words softened.

  ‘I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.’ She could hear the regret in his voice, the disappointment. What was missing was his jealousy. There was none.

  ‘Then this is it. I can’t believe it’s really over. I guess I always knew that someday it would end, but, wow.’

  ‘Yeah, wow.’ Sasha sat down on her bed, staring at the opposite wall.

  ‘I’m not sure what to say,’ Trevor admitted.

  ‘Let’s just leave it as friends,’ she suggested. ‘I don’t want to hate you. Our time together wasn’t a waste. We had fun.’

  ‘Of course, friends,’ he agreed, though there was a strangeness in his voice. ‘It was fun while it lasted. Call me if this guy doesn’t work out.’

  ‘Bye, Trevor. Take care of yourself.’

  ‘Uh-huh, you too.’ He hung up.

  Sasha slowly closed her phone, staring at it for some time. It was probably the most honest conversation she and Trevor had ever had. Slowly, a smile crept across her features.

  Kevin.

  She loved Kevin.

  Sasha stood, twirling around her bedroom. Laughter bubbled up from deep inside, spilling loudly over the quiet space. Anyone peeking through her window would see a mad woman, but she didn’t care. She was in love, really and truly in love.

  ‘I have to tell him,’ she whispered, suddenly stopping. ‘But not by phone. I’ll tell him Monday when I see him. That will give me plenty of time to plan what I want to say. I’ll find the perfect moment when we are alone and I’ll say the perfect thing.’

  Shouting with glee, she jumped up and down. She felt light and free. For the first time in her life, she knew without any reservation what she wanted.

  Going to the window, she looked out at the snowy street cast in yellow lamplight. Her eyes followed up the side of a building towards the heavens. She couldn’t see much of the night sky, but she knew it was there. ‘Goodnight, Kevin. I love you and I can’t wait to tell you.’

  Kevin shivered, bracing his body against the cold air whipping past. He thought the liquor would have warmed him more, but no amount of alcohol could claim victory over the cold chill that seized hold of his heart since Sasha had walked out on him earlier that day. He still wasn’t sure exactly what went wrong, though it was clear he’d pushed too hard about her dieting. After Laurie, he couldn’t help feeling strongly about women who were obsessed with their weight – especially when they had no reason to be. Sasha’s eating habits had concerned him in the past, but there’d been something in her face when he mentioned diet pills.

  Kevin knew he overreacted, just as he knew the reason for it. Laurie had been the only other woman he’d ever loved and what he felt then was nothing compared to what he felt for Sasha. Guilt ate at him and he walked faster. He couldn’t save Laurie from herself. He’d long since let the past go, knowing it wasn’t his fault. However, knowing did not stop the irrational fear that had seized him with the thought of standing over a second grave. He couldn’t lose Sasha. And, just as he was recovering from that illogical thought, he’d heard her read Trevor’s name off her phone. It struck him that Sasha wasn’t even his to lose.

  ‘I need to take it slow if I want to take it anywhere at all.’ Kevin knew he must look like a madman, stomping through the snowy streets, talking to himself. He didn’t care. ‘I’ll make her see what I already know.’

  ‘Why are you so smiley, Sasha?’ Beatrice eyed her daughter thoughtfully. ‘Do you have news you’d like to share?’

  ‘No,’ Sasha denied, instantly wiping the expression off her features, and turned her attention back to the masterpiece Zoe had created for them. Everyone but Ella had made it to Sunday dinner. ‘No news.’

  ‘Mom,’ Zoe broke in, ‘you haven’t told me what you think of the Chicken Farfalle. Should I include it in the sample recipes I turn into the publisher? They want fifteen samples and pictures in two weeks.’

  ‘It’s very good, honey,’ Beatrice answered, ‘but I think the chicken or eggplant parmigiana makes for a prettier picture.’

  ‘Kat and Ryan are doing my pictures,’ Zoe said. ‘They can make anything look pretty.’

  ‘You do seem very happy today,’ Douglas told Sasha.

  Sasha frowned. Zoe had successfully drawn the attention from her and her father had successfully put it right back. ‘Spring break is coming up in a week. Perhaps you’re just sensing my need for a vacation. I’ve had a pretty heavy course load this semester on top of the internship.’

  As soon as she said the word ‘vacation’, Sasha flinched. It took exactly two seconds for her mother to pounce. ‘That reminds me. I wanted to plan a trip since you’ve got time off. You mentioned your roommate’s brother had spring break last week and that got me to thinking. I checked the dates of your spring break on the college website.’ Beatrice pushed up from the table. ‘Let me go get my vac ation file. Everyone, check your schedules for next week. I have a few ideas for a family trip.’

  ‘Ah, Mom, wait,’ Sasha stopped her. ‘I have to go upstate to work on a project with my internship partner. I can’t go on a family trip right now.’

  ‘Oh?’ Douglas asked, sipping his wine. ‘What’s upstate?’

  ‘Sawmill Pine Bed & Breakfast,’ Kat answered for Sasha, grinning. ‘Her internship partner’s family owns a B&B near Lake Champlain.’

  ‘That’s perfect! We’ll go there,’ Beatrice announced. Sasha glanced at her sisters for help. ‘You can do your project and we can spend time together. It’s perfect.’

  ‘Sorry, Mom, can’t get off,’ Megan said. ‘There was a shooting and Axel is on bed rest. It’s left the station short-handed.’

  ‘I didn’t hear a cop shooting on the news,’ Douglas said.

  ‘They’re keeping it quiet.’ Megan took a long pull of her beer. ‘The guy’s mistress found out he was married and opened fire. She happens to be the commissioner’s niece. Lucky for Axel she’s a lousy shot and only nicked his thigh.’

  ‘No cop stories at the table, Megan,’ Beatrice scolded.

  ‘Dad asked,’ Megan grumbled.

  ‘Now, Sasha, do you have the number to the Sawmill Pine place or should I look it up?’ Beatrice looked expectantly at her.

  ‘I’ve got some news,’ Zoe interrupted.

  ‘Sasha?’ Beatrice insisted, not distracted by Zoe.

  ‘They’re booked with a snowmobile group,’ Sasha said. ‘Otherwise, I’d love to have you join us.’ OK, it was a lie, but at least it was a harmless one.

  ‘Oh, that’s too bad. Maybe this summer.’ Beatrice sat back down and picked up her fork, a small frown of disappointment furrowing her brow.

  ‘Yeah, Mom, maybe,’ Sasha agreed.

  ‘So, this internship partner? Anything we should know about him? It is a him, isn’t it?’ Beatrice asked.

  ‘Doesn’t anyone want to hear my news?’ Zoe inquired.

  ‘What is it, dear?’ Douglas prompted. ‘Did you get your own cooki
ng show?’

  ‘Better.’ Jackson grinned.

  ‘We’re going to have a baby!’ Zoe announced, saying the only thing that could have saved Sasha from the interrogation their mother had in mind. The table erupted in excitement and well wishes. Sasha jumped up, running around the table to throw her arms around Kat, Megan and Zoe for a group hug.

  Chapter Ten

  Sasha couldn’t have been more grateful for Kat’s meddling when it came to her wardrobe. The violet kimono-style cashmere sweater looked stunning, even if the ribbed material was a little too lightweight for winter. Her sister intended the shirt for the upstate trip, but Sasha couldn’t resist. Besides, today was much more important than spring break. Today was the day she was going to tell Kevin how she felt and she needed to look perfect.

  Taking out lip balm, she glossed over her lips, enhancing the natural colour. Sasha studied her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Subtle light-brown highlights now framed her face. She had done them the night before at her parents’ house. She had even let her mom trim her hair. All that combined with a curling iron created one kick-ass hairdo.

  Sasha turned, checking out her ass in the mirror to make sure her jeans fit perfectly. They were a little loose around the waist so she cinched it with a belt. Pulling the cashmere down, the fitted material stretched around her hips, remaining looser on the top.

  She picked up her messenger bag and Kat’s camera bag and made her way to the lab. Her heart beat so hard she felt it in her throat, echoing the hope that Kevin would feel the same. She refused to consider anything else.

  ‘Miss Matthews, you’re early,’ Prichard said when she walked in. They were the only two in the room. Prichard sat at the front table with an opened laptop. ‘Do you have good news about the Richmond donation?’

  ‘Ye-yes,’ she stammered, not expecting to see him. She’d been so focused on Kevin, she hadn’t thought about talking to Prichard. She set her bags down on the floor next to her work area. ‘I believe you should be expecting a call in the next couple of weeks about it. They were very impressed by the brochures. Having Kevin there was very helpful.’