Sculduggery Pleasant

by Derek Landy

  Ghastly tried a smile to see if she'd return it, to see if she'd admit her joke. She didn't smile back.

  "You don't know if I should be involved in any of this," she said. "That's fine. That's your opinion, and that's fine. But let's forget about opinion. Let's look at facts. Serpine has Skulduggery, He's broken the Truce. He believes the Scepter is real, and he has proved that he's willing to kill to get to it. He has to be stopped, and I need your help to stop him."

  "You saw this? You actually saw Serpine do this?"

  "I was there."

  He looked at her and nodded. "Then I suppose it's a very good thing you decided to stick around."

  They took Ghastly's car, and Stephanie told him exactly what had happened as they sped through the streets to the Sanctuary. The windows were heavily tinted, but even so, he had a scarf wrapped around his face and a hat pulled low over his eyes.

  The Waxworks Museum hadn't opened yet, so they let themselves in the back and hurried through the darkness. Ghastly searched the wall for the switch, found it, and the wall parted.

  Stephanie was the first to reach the bottom of the stairs, and she strode into the Sanctuary. The Administrator hurried up to her, frowning.

  "I'm sorry," he said, "you do not have an appointment."

  "We're here to see Meritorious."

  "The Elders cannot be disturbed," the Administrator insisted. "I must ask you to leave at once."

  "It's an emergency," Ghastly said as he joined her, but the Administrator still shook his head.

  "All requests to visit with the Elders must go through the proper channels," he said, but Stephanie had heard enough. She barged past him, heading for the corridor. Suddenly there was a flash of gray and a Cleaver was before her, holding the blade of his scythe to her throat.

  Stephanie froze. There was movement all around her, sound all around her, and the only still things in her world were herself and the Cleaver. She could hear Ghastly threatening the Administrator, threatening the Cleavers, and the Administrator protesting and insisting they leave. Ghastly's voice was rising, becoming angry, telling the Cleaver to lower the weapon, but the Cleaver was still and silent, a statue.

  Stephanie could see her burnished reflection in his visor. She didn't dare move.

  Before the situation could spiral out of control, before Stephanie's head became separated from her body, the Administrator gave in and agreed to ask Meritorious if he would take visitors.

  At a nod, the Cleaver stepped away and swung the scythe down by his side and behind him, making the mere sheathing of the weapon into an art form.

  Stephanie backed off, moving slowly, but the Cleaver had returned to his post as if nothing had happened.

  They stayed in the foyer while the Administrator hurried off, and presently they heard footsteps approaching. Eachan Meritorious entered, and he looked mildly surprised when he laid eyes on Ghastly.

  "Mr. Bespoke," he said, coming forward. "Will wonders never cease?"

  "Grand Mage," Ghastly said as they shook hands. "You've already met Valkyrie Cain, I think."

  "So you chose a name after all," Meritorious said with a slightly disapproving look. "I hope your Mr. Pleasant knows what he's doing."

  "Skulduggery's been captured," Stephanie blurted. "Serpine has him."

  "Not this again."

  "It's true," Ghastly said.

  Meritorious peered at him. "You saw it yourself?"

  "Well," Ghastly said, hesitating, "no, but — "

  Meritorious waved his hand. "Skulduggery Pleasant is an excellent detective, and we value his help and his expertise on many difficult cases. But when it comes to Nefarian Serpine, he does not have his usual detached perspective."

  "Serpine has captured him!" Stephanie insisted.

  "My dear, I like you. And I can see why Skulduggery likes you. You are a frighteningly upfront person, and these are qualities to be admired. However, you are new to our culture, and our ways, and you have heard a decidedly skewed version of our history. Serpine is not the villain he once was."

  "I was there," Stephanie said, struggling to remain calm. "Serpine came with his paper creatures and they took him."

  This made Meritorious pause. "Paper creatures?"

  "Well, it looked like they were made out of paper."

  He nodded slowly. "Hollow Men. Minions of Serpine. Terrible things, bloated by stink and evil."

  "Now do you believe me? We need to get him back."

  "Grand Mage," Ghastly said, "my friend is in danger. I know you don't want it to be true, but the Truce has been broken. Serpine and the sorcerers allied with him will waste no time in seizing power. The Elders must act now."

  "On what authority?" Meritorious asked. "On the word of a girl I barely know?"

  "I'm not lying," said Stephanie.

  "But you may be mistaken."

  "I'm not. Serpine wants the Scepter, and he thinks Skulduggery can get it for him."

  "The Scepter is a fairy tale — "

  "The Scepter is real," Stephanie said, cutting him off. "It's real enough that Serpine is after it, and he killed the two men you had spying on him so that you wouldn't find out about it until it was too late."

  Meritorious hesitated for a moment. "Miss Cain, if you're wrong, and we move against Serpine now, then we are starting a war we are not ready for."

  "I'm sorry," Stephanie said, seeing the trepidation in the Elder's eyes and speaking softly now.

  "But the war has already started."

  The paper clip lay on the tabletop and didn't move. Stephanie focused, flexed her fingers, and then thrust her palm toward it, trying to genuinely believe that thin air was nothing more than interlocking objects. The paper clip still didn't move. She nudged it, just to make sure it wasn't stuck or anything. Ghastly entered the room.

  "We're ready to go," he said. "You're sure you want to do this?"

  "Very sure." She put the paper clip into her pocket and nodded toward the door behind him. "Is there an army out there?"

  "Uh, not quite."

  "How many?"

  He hesitated. "Two."

  "Two? He has an army of Cleavers and he gives us two?"

  "Sending any more would arouse suspicion," Ghastly said. "Meritorious needs a little time to contact Morwenna Crow and Sagacious Tome and convince them that action is necessary, and until he does, this rescue mission is strictly unofficial."

  "Please tell me they're as good as Skulduggery said they are?"

  "Both their uniforms and their scythes can ward off the majority of magical attacks, and there aren't many deadlier in close combat."

  "Close combat?" she said with a frown. "What about throwing fireballs and stuff? Are they Elementals or Adepts?"

  Ghastly cleared his throat. "Neither, actually. Magic corrupts certain people, and Cleavers need to be seen as completely impartial, so . . ."

  "So they're not magic? At all?"

  "They have some magic, but it just adds to their combat abilities. They're quite strong, and very fast."

  "So what are they going to do? Run around Serpine until he gets dizzy and falls over?"

  "If it all goes according to plan, Serpine won't even know we're there."

  "And what are the chances of that happening?"

  He looked at her, and for a moment he held his ground. Then he looked away. "They're not great," he admitted.

  "Exactly."

  He looked up again. "But Mr. Bliss has offered us his help."

  "He's coming?" Stephanie asked, unsure. She didn't like the idea of going anywhere with Mr.

  Bliss.

  "Not him," Ghastly said, "but he's sending someone. Five is a good number; we can sneak in, grab Skulduggery, sneak out. Simple."

  The door opened behind them and Meritorious was there. "I have arranged your transport," he said.

  They followed him up out of the Sanctuary and exited the Waxworks Museum from the back, where a large van was parked. As soon as Meritorious emerged into the sunlight, two Cle
avers walked forward. They took the scythes from their sheathes before they climbed in. Stephanie hoped the van didn't go over any potholes, or she'd be skewered before they even reached Serpine's castle.

  Another person walked forward, a person she recognized from the library.

  "Tanith Low," Meritorious said, "this is Ghastly Bespoke and Valkyrie Cain."

  "We've met," Tanith said, giving Stephanie a polite nod. She carried a sword in a black scabbard, its lacquered surface crisscrossed with nicks and marks.

  "Mr. Bliss sent you?" Ghastly asked.

  "He did. He thought I could be of use."

  "That's quite a recommendation."

  "He just wants this business to be over with as soon as possible," Tanith said. "I'm at your disposal for the duration."

  "Then let's go."

  Tanith climbed into the van, and Ghastly got behind the wheel.

  "Good luck," Meritorious said to Stephanie as she was about to join them.

  "Thank you."

  He shrugged. "You'll need it."

  Chapter Seventeen

  A Fabulous Rescue Indeed

  THE RESCUE team stood by the side of the road and looked up at the wall surrounding Serpine's land. It was maybe three times as tall as Stephanie. Beyond it lay woodland, and beyond that the castle.

  It occurred to Stephanie that if they didn't get Skulduggery back, it was all over. Serpine would get the Scepter, and the Faceless Ones would return. The fate of the entire planet rested on the shoulders of a skeleton, and on the five people sent to rescue him.

  "What if we do go up against Serpine?" Stephanie asked, fighting to keep the dread out of her voice. She had to remain strong. She couldn't let them see that she was just an ordinary twelve-year-old. "What if we can't just get in and get out without anyone noticing? Do we have a plan if we have to face him?"

  "Oh," Ghastly said, considering it. "No, not really."

  "I'm going to try and cut him with my sword," Tanith said helpfully.

  "Right," Stephanie said. "Excellent. What about guards? Do you think they'll be expecting us?"

  "Serpine is used to the Elders taking forever to make their calm, thought-out decisions," Tanith said. "So he won't be expecting anything as amazingly rash and reckless as this."

  Ghastly nodded. "That'll teach him to underestimate stupid people."

  "All right then," Stephanie said. "Just wanted to make sure we'd thought of everything. So let's go."

  Without a word, the Cleavers ran forward and jumped, legs tucked beneath them, cleared the top of the wall, and disappeared from view.

  "Show-offs," Ghastly muttered, sweeping both hands down by his sides. A gust of wind lifted him and swung him up toward the wall, where he grabbed on and pulled himself to the top.

  Tanith turned to Stephanie.

  "Want a boost?"

  "If you wouldn't mind."

  Tanith crouched, interlocking her fingers, and Stephanie put one foot into her hands. On the count of three, Stephanie shot upward. Tanith was strong, stronger than she looked —

  Stephanie had no trouble catching the edge of the wall. Ghastly helped her up, dropped down the other side, and turned to wait for her. She let herself hang down, then released her grip, and her boots crunched onto dried leaves and brittle twigs. A moment later Tanith landed beside her.

  The woodland was thick, and as they moved deeper into it, it became darker. The sun had difficulty filtering through the tall trees, and it was cold enough to make Stephanie grateful for her coat. The Cleavers didn't make a sound as they walked. The woodland was quiet — quieter than it had any right to be. No birds sang. Nothing rustled in the undergrowth. It gave her an eerie sensation.

  They reached the line of trees at the rear of the castle and ducked down. A small army of Hollow Men patrolled the grounds.

  "Oh joy," Ghastly said grimly. "How are we going to get by them?"

  "We need a diversion," Tanith said.

  "Any suggestions?"

  Tanith didn't answer, but after a moment she looked at the Cleavers. Ghastly understood immediately.

  "But there are too many," he protested.

  Tanith's tone was flat but firm. "We don't have a choice."

  The Cleavers tilted their heads toward her, and after a moment they nodded. They stole back among the trees and were gone.

  Stephanie waited with Tanith and Ghastly.

  "They won't be able to hold them off for long," Ghastly said.

  "Long enough for us to sneak in," Tanith said.

  "That's not what I meant. You've just sent them to their deaths."

  She didn't look at him. "They'll do their jobs. We'll do ours. Do you want your friend back or not?"

  Ghastly didn't answer.

  "Look," Stephanie said.

  The Hollow Men were moving fast, moving out of their field of vision.

  "Let's go," Tanith said.

  They broke from the trees, sprinting across the wide-open space toward the castle. Stephanie glanced to her right as she ran, saw the Cleavers standing back-to-back in the distance as the Hollow Men closed in.

  They reached the castle. Tanith placed her hand flat on the lock and twisted her wrist. Stephanie heard the lock break within the door, and Tanith pushed it open slowly. They crept in, then closed the door behind them.

  They kept to the outer corridors, staying away from the cold heart of the castle. They found a stairway leading down, and Tanith went first, sword in her right hand, scabbard in her left.

  Stephanie followed a few paces behind, and Ghastly came last.

  They reached the basement, although Stephanie thought that calling it a dungeon would probably be more accurate. Tanith held up her hand, and they stopped and watched a Hollow Man clump ahead of them and pass out of sight.

  They made their way forward. Tanith approached the first heavy iron door and put her ear against it. After a moment, she pushed it open. The hinges groaned in protest, but the room was empty.

  Ghastly went to the next door, listened, and opened it. Again, it was empty.

  Tanith glanced at Ghastly and they shared a look, and Stephanie knew what it was about.

  "We should split up," Stephanie whispered.

  "No," said Tanith.

  "No way," said Ghastly.

  "If we waste time, the Hollow Men will be back outside the door and we won't be able to get away."

  "Then you come with me," Ghastly whispered.

  Stephanie shook her head. "I'll be fine. I'll listen at the doors. If I hear anything, I'll get you. If I meet a bad guy, you can be pretty sure you'll know about it. We don't have a choice."

  They looked at her but didn't argue. Tanith went to the next door, Ghastly hurried down the length of the corridor, and Stephanie turned back and rounded the corner. She came to another row of iron doors and listened intently at each one. She followed the maze of corridors wherever they took her. She found herself breathing through her mouth and tasted the foulness of the air on the back of her throat. There were puddles here, stagnant pools of water on the uneven stone floor. The doors were no longer made of iron but of rotting wood. The flickering of the torches in the brackets made shadows dance on the walls.

  She saw someone moving ahead and was about to duck back when she recognized Ghastly. He waved to her and she waved back, then started checking the doors closest to her. They were working their way toward each other when Stephanie came to a door and heard a low whistling.

  She frowned. Could Skulduggery whistle? He could talk without lips or breath, so she couldn't see a reason why he wouldn't be able to whistle. She didn't recognize the tune, however. She motioned to Ghastly and he crept forward. After listening for a moment, he nodded.

  "That's The Girl from Ipanema,'" he whispered. "That's him."

  He held up three fingers, then two, then one, and they burst into the room. Skulduggery looked up and stopped whistling. "Oh, hello," he said. "I know where the key to the caves is."

  Stephanie closed the door as
Ghastly hurried around behind him, stooping to examine the shackles.

  "Quality workmanship," Ghastly said.

  "I thought you'd appreciate it. There's a binding spell woven into the metal."

  "Nice. It'll take me a moment."

  "I'm not going anywhere."

  "Are you okay?" Stephanie asked.

  "I've been treated well," he answered with a nod. "Apart from all the torture. It's given me time to think, actually. I know where the key is."

  "So you said."

  Ghastly stood and the shackles fell. Skulduggery got to his feet.

  "Is Meritorious here?" he asked.

  "He's telling the other Elders what's going on," Ghastly said.

  "Ah," Skulduggery said. "So you're doing this on your own?"

  "Tanith Low is here, but basically, yes."

  Skulduggery shrugged. "I must admit, it's going rather fabulously so far."

  "The key," Stephanie said. "You didn't tell Serpine where it is, did you?"

  "I couldn't have, even if I'd wanted to. Just worked it out a few minutes ago. Simple, really. It was right in front of us."

  "We can talk about this later," Ghastly said. "We have to go."

  "Will there be fighting?"

  "I hope not."

  "I'm in the mood for some fighting."

  "If there is," Stephanie said, handing him his gun, "here's something you can use."

  "Ah, bless. I've missed her. Do you have bullets?"

  "Uh, ho."

  Skulduggery paused. "Excellent," he said, and tucked the gun away.

  "Let's go," said Ghastly, and stepped out the door.

  Stephanie and Skulduggery followed, and they hurried down the corridor and turned a corner.

  A group of Hollow Men froze in mid step and regarded them vacantly. Time stood still.

  "Yes," Skulduggery said. "This is a fabulous rescue indeed."

  The Hollow Men came at them, and Skulduggery and Ghastly went into action. Skulduggery worked with elbows and knees, wristlocks and armlocks.

  Ghastly deftly wove in and around attacks, firing punches at whoever got close.