Robots Have No Tails

by Henry Kuttner

  “Now wait—”

  Mackenzie pursed his lips. “I’ll admit the beasties may—I say may—have some possibilities. But what good is quarry that can’t be caught? Perhaps if you’d work out a way to capture these other-worldly animals of yours, we might do business. At present, I willna buy a pig in a poke.”

  “I’ll find a way,” Gallegher promised wildly. “But I can’t do it in jail.”

  “Ah. I am a little irritated with you, Mr. Gallegher. You tricked me into belieiving you had solved our problem. Which you havena done—yet. Consider the thought of jail. Your adrenalin may stimulate your brain into working out a way to trap these animals of yours. Though, even so, I can make no rash promises—”

  Murdoch Mackenzie grinned at Gallegher and went out, closing the door softly behind him. Gallegher began to dine off his finger nails.

  “Men can know the nature of things,” Joe said, with an air of solid conviction.

  At that point matters were complicated even further by the appearance, on the television screen, of a gray-haired man who announced that one of Gallegher’s checks had just bounced. Three hundred and fifty credits, the man said, and how about it?

  Gallegher looked dazedly at the identification card on the screen. “You’re with United Cultures? What’s that?”

  The gray-haired man said silkily, “Biological and medical supplies and laboratories, Mr. Gallegher.”

  “What did I order from you?”

  “We have a receipt for six hundred pounds of Vito-plasm, first grade. We made delivery within an hour.”

  “And when—”

  The gray-haired man went into more detail. Finally Gallegher made a few lying promises and turned from the blanking screen. He looked wildly around the lab.

  “Six hundred pounds of artificial protoplasm,” he murmured. “Ordered by Gallegher Plus. He’s got delusions of economic grandeur.”

  “It was delivered,” Joe said “You signed the receipt, the night Grandpa and Jonas Harding disappeared.”

  “But what could I do with the stuff? It’s used for plastic surgery and for humanoprosthesis. Artificial limbs and stuff. It’s cultured cellular tissue, this Vitaplasm. Did I use it to make some animals? That’s biologically impossible. I think. How could I have molded Vitaplasm into a little brown animal that’s invisible? What about the brain and the neural structure? Joe, six hundred pounds of Vitaplasm has simply disappeared. Where has it gone?”

  But Joe was silent.

  Hours later Gallegher was furiously busy. “The trick is,” he explained to Joe, “to find out all I can about those critters. Then maybe I can tell where they came from and how I got ’em. Then perhaps I can discover where Grandpa and Harding went. Then—”

  “Why not sit down and think about it?”

  “That’s the difference between us. You’ve got no instinct of self-preservation. You could sit down and think while a chain reaction took place in your toes and worked up, but not me, I’m too young to die. I keep thinking of Reading Gaol. I need a drink. If I could only get high, my demon subconscious could work out the whole problem for me. Is that little brown animal around?”

  “No,” Joe said.

  “Then maybe I can steal a drink.” Gallegher exploded, after an abortive attempt that ended in utter failure, “Nothing can move that fast.”

  “Accelerated metabolism. It must have smelled the alcohol. Or perhaps it has additional senses. Even I can scarcely varish it.”

  “If I mixed kerosense with the whisky, maybe the dipsomaniacal little monster wouldn’t like it. Still, neither would I. Ah, well. Back to the mill,” Gallegher said, as he tried reagent after reagent on the blueeyed dynamo, without any effect at all.

  “Man can know the nature of things,” Joe said irritatingly.

  “Shut up. I wonder if I could electroplate this creature? That would immobilize it, all right. But it’s immobilized already. How does it eat?”

  “Logically, I’d say osmosis.”

  “Very likely. Osmosis of what?”

  Joe clicked irritatedly. “There are dozens of ways you could solve your problem. Instrumentalism. Empiricism. Vitalism. Work from a posteriori to a priori. It’s perfectly obvious to me that you’ve solved the problem Adrenals, Incorporated set you.”

  “I have?”

  “Certainly.”

  “How?”

  “Very simple. Men can know the nature of things.”

  “Will you stop repeating that outmoded basic and try to be useful? You’re wrong, anyway. Men can know the nature of things by experiment and reason combined!”

  Joe said, “Ridiculous. Philosophical incompetence. If you can’t prove your point by logic, you’ve failed. Anybody who has to depend on experiment is beneath contempt.”

  “Why should I sit here arguing philosophical concepts with a robot?” Gallegher demanded of no one in particular. “How would you like me to demonstrate the fact that ideation is dependent on your having a radio-atomic brain that isn’t scattered all over the floor?”

  “Kill me, then,” Joe said. “It’s your loss and the world’s. Earth will be a poorer place when I die. But coercion means nothing to me. I have no instinct of selfpreservation.”

  “Now look,” Gallegher said, trying a new tack, “if you know the answer, why not tell me? Demonstrate that wonderful logic of yours. Convince me without having to depend on experiment. Use pure reason.”

  “Why should I want to convince you? I’m convinced. And I’m so beautiful and perfect that I can achieve no higher glory than to admire me.”

  “Narcissus,” Gallegher snarled. “You’re a combination of Narcissus and Nietzsche’s Superman.”

  “Men can know the nature of things,” Joe said.

  The next development was a subpoena for the transparent robot. The legal machinery was beginning to move, an immensely complicated gadget that worked on a logic as apparently twisted as Joe’s own. Gallegher himself, it seemed, was temporarily inviolate, through some odd interpretation of jurisprudence. But the State’s principle was that the sum of the parts was equal to the whole. Joe was classified as one of the parts, the total of which equaled Gallegher. Thus the robot found itself in court, listening to a polemic with impassive scorn.

  Gallegher, flanked by Murdoch Mackenzie and a corps of attorneys, was with Joe. This was an informal hearing. Gallegher didn’t pay much attention; he was concentrating on finding a way to put the bite on the recalcitrant robot, who knew all the answers but wouldn’t talk. He had been studying the philosophers, with an eye toward meeting Joe on his own ground, but so far had succeeded only in acquiring a headache and an almost unendurable longing for a drink. Even out of his laboratory, though, he remained Tantalus. The invisible little brown animal followed him around and stole his liquor.

  “As I see it,” he declared, “the question is one of determinism versus voluntarism. If this…ah…robot has free will—”

  “Ha!” Gallegher said, and was shushed by an attorney. He subsided rebelliously.

  “—then it, or he, is a witness. But, on the other hand, there is the possibility that the robot, in acts of apparent choice, is the mechanical expression of heredity and past environment. For heredity read—ah—initial mechanical basics.”

  “Whether or not the robot is a rational being, Mr. Justice, is beside the point,” the prosecutor put in.

  “I do not agree. Law is based on res—” Joe said, “Mr. Justice, may I speak?”

  “Your ability to do so rather automatically gives you permission,” the Justice said, studying the robot in a baffled way. “Go ahead.”

  Joe had seemingly found the connection between law, logic, and philosophy. He said happily, “I’ve figured it all out. A thinking robot is a rational being. I am a thinking robot—therefore I am a rational being.”

  “What a fool,” Gallegher groaned, longing for the same logic of electronics and chemistry. “The old Socratic syllogism. Even I coul
d point out the flaw in that!”

  “Quiet,” Mackenzie whispered. “All the lawyers really depend on is tying up the case in such knots nobody can figure it out. Your robot is perhaps not such a fool as you think.”

  An argument started as to whether thinking robots really were rational beings. Gallegher brooded. He couldn’t see the point, really. Nor did it become clear until, from the maze of contradictions, there emerged the tentative decision that Joe was a rational being. This seemed to please the prosecutor immensely.

  “Mr. Justice,” he announced, “we have learned that Mr. Galloway Gallegher two nights ago inactivated the robot before us now. Is this not true, Mr. Gallegher?”

  But Mackenzie’s hand kept Gallegher in his seat. One of the defending attorneys rose to meet the question.

  “We admit nothing,” he said. “However, if you wish to pose a theoretical question, we will answer it.”

  The query was posed theoretically.

  “The theoretical answer is yes, Mr. Prosecutor. A robot of this type can be turned on and off at will.

  “Can the robot turn itself off?”

  “Yes.”

  “But this did not occur? Mr. Gallegher inactivated the robot at the time Mr. Jonas Harding was with him in his laboratory two nights ago?”

  “Theoretically, that is true. There was a temporary inactivation.”

  “Then,” said the prosecutor, “we wish to question the robot, who has been classed as a rational being.”

  “The decision was tentative,” a defense attorney objected.

  “Accepted. Mr. Justice—”

  “All right,” said the Justice, who was still staring at Joe, “you may ask your question.”

  “Ah…ah—” The prosecutor, facing the robot, hesitated.

  “Call me Joe,” Joe said.

  “Thank you. Ah…is this true? Did Mr. Gallegher inactivate you at the time and place stated?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then,” the prosecutor said triumphantly, “I wish to bring a charge of assault and battery against Mr. Gallegher. Since the robot has been tentatively classed as a rational being, any activity causing him, or it, to lose consciousness or the power of mobility is contra bonos mores, and may be classed as mayhem.”

  Mackenzie’s attorneys were ruffled. Gallegher said: “What does that mean?”

  A lawyer whispered, “They can hold you and hold that robot as a witness.” He stood up. “Mr. Justice. Our statements were in reply to purely theoretical questions.”

  The prosecutor said: “But the robot’s statement answered a nontheoretical question.”

  “The robot was not on oath.”

  “Easily remedied,” said the prosecutor, while Gallegher saw his last hopes of slipping rapidly away. He thought hard, while matters proceeded.

  “Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

  “Gallegher leaped to his feet. “Mr. Justice. I object.”

  “Indeed. To what?”

  “To the validity of that oath.”

  Mackenzie said, “Ah-ha!”

  The Justice was thoughtful. “Will you please elucidate, Mr. Gallegher? Why should the oath not be administered to this robot?”

  “Such an oath is applicable to man only.”

  “And?”

  “It presupposes the existence of the soul. At least it implies theism, a personal religion. Can a robot take an oath?”

  The Justice eyed Joe. “It’s a point, certainly. Ah…Joe. Do you believe in a personal deity?”

  “I do.”

  The prosecutor beamed. “Then we can proceed.”

  “Wait a minute,” Murdoch Mackenzie said, rising. “May I ask a question, Mr. Justice?”

  “Go ahead.”

  Mackenzie stared at the robot. “Well, now. Will you tell me, please, what this personal deity of yours is like?”

  “Certainly,” Joe said. “Just like me.”

  After a while it degenerated into a theological argument. Gallegher left the attorneys debating the apparently vital point of how many angels could dance on the head of a pin, and went home temporarily scot-free, with Joe. Until such points as the robot’s religious basics were settled, nothing could be done. All the way, in the air-cab, Mackenzie insisted on pointing out the merits of Calvinism to Joe.

  At the door Mackenzie made a mild threat. “I did not intend to give you so much rope, you understand. But you will work ail the harder with the threat of prison hanging over your head. I don’t know how long I can keep you a free man. If you can work out an answer quickly—”

  “What sort of answer?”

  “I am easily satisfied. Jonas’s body, now—”

  “Bah!” Gallegher said, and went into his laboratory and sat down morosely. He siphoned himself a drink before he remembered the little brown animal. Then he lay back, staring from the blue-eyed dynamo to Joe and back again.

  Finally he said, “There’s an old Chinese idea that the man who first stops arguing and starts swinging with his fists admits his intellectual defeat.”

  Joe said, “Naturally. Reason is sufficient; if you need experiment to prove your point, you’re a lousy philosopher and logician.” Gallegher fell back on casuistry. “First step, animal. Fist-swinging. Second step, human. Pure logic. But what about the third step?”

  “What third step?”

  “Men can know the nature of things—but you’re not a man. Your personal deity isn’t an anthropomorphic one. Three steps: animal, man, and what we’ll call for convenience superman, though man doesn’t necessarily enter into it. We’ve always attributed godlike traits to the theoretical superbeing. Suppose, just for the sake of having a label, we call this third-stage entity Joe.”

  “Why not?” Joe said.

  “Then the two basic concepts of logic don’t apply. Men can know the nature of things by pure reason, and also by experiment and reason. But such second-stage concepts are as elementary to Joe as Plato’s ideas were to Bacon.” Gallegher crossed his fingers behind his back. “The question is, then, what’s the third-stage operation for Joe?”

  “Godlike?” the robot said.

  “You’ve got special senses, you know. You can varish, whatever that is. Do you need ordinary logical methods? Suppose—”

  “Yes,” Joe said. “I can varish, all right. I can skren, too. Hm-m-m.”

  Gallegher abruptly rose from the couch. “What a fool I am. ‘DRINK ME.’ That’s the answer. Joe, shut up. Go off in a corner and varish.”

  “I’m skrenning,” Joe said.

  “Then skren. I ’ve finally got an idea. When I woke up yesterday, I was thinking about a bottle labeled ‘DRINK ME.’ When Alice took a drink, she changed size, didn’t she? Where’s that reference book? I wish I knew more about technology. Vasoconstrictor…hemostatic…here it is—demonstrate the anabolic regulation mechanisms of the vegetative nervous system. Metabolism. I wonder now—”

  Gallegher rushed to the workbench and examined the bottles. “Vitalism. Life is the basic reality, of which everything is a form or manifestation. Now, I had a problem to solve for Adrenals, Incorporated. Jonas Harding and Grandpa were here. Harding gave me an hour to fill the bill. The problem…a dangerous and harmless animal. Paradox. That isn’t it. Harding’s clients wanted thrills and safety at the same time. I’ve got no lab animals on tap at the moment…Joe!”

  “Well?”

  “Watch,” Gallegher said. He poured a drink and watched the liquid vanish before he tasted it. “Now. What happened?”

  “The little brown animal drank it.”

  “Is that little brown animal, by any chance—Grandpa?”

  “That’s right,” Joe said.

  Gallegher blistered the robot’s transparent hide with sulphurous oaths. “Why didn’t you tell me? You—”

  “I answered your question,” the robot said smugly. “Grandpa’s brown, isn’t he? And he�
��s an animal.”

  “But—little! I thought it was a critter about as big as a rabbit.”

  “The only standard of comparison is the majority of the species. That’s the yardstick.

  Compared to the average height of humans, Grandpa is little. A little brown animal.”

  “So it’s Grandpa, is it?” Gallegher said, returning to the workbench. “And he’s simply speeded up. Accelerated metabolism. Adrenalin. Hm-m-m. Now I know what to look for, maybe—”

  He fell to. But it was sundown before Gallegher emptied a small vial into a glass, siphoned whisky into it, and watched the mixture disappear.

  A flickering began. Something flashed from corner to corner of the room. Gradually it became visible as a streaking brownness that resolved itself, finally, into Grandpa. He stood before Gallegher, jittering like mad as the last traces of the accelerative formula wore off.

  “Hello, Grandpa,” Gallegher said placatingly.

  Grandpa’s nutcracker face wore an expression of malevolent fury. For the first time in his life, the old gentleman was drunk. Gallegher stared in utter amazement.

  “I’m going back to Maine,” Grandpa cried, and fell over backward.

  Never seen such a lot of slow pokes in my life,” Grandpa said, devouring a steak. “My, I’m hungry. Next time I let you stick a needle in me I’ll know better. How many months have I been like this?”

  “Two days,” Gallegher said, carefully mixing up a formula. “It was a metabolic accelerator, Grandpa. You just lived faster, that’s all.”

  “Ah! Bah. Couldn’t eat nothing. Food was solid as a rock. Only thing I could get down my gullet was liquor.”

  “Oh?”

  “Hard chewing. Even with my store teeth. Whisky tasted red hot. As for a steak like this, I couldn’t of managed it.”

  “You were living faster,” Gallegher glanced at the robot, who was still quietly skrenning in a corner. “Let me see. The antithesis of an accelerator is a decelerator—Grandpa, where’s Jonas Harding?”

  “In there,” Grandpa said, pointing to the blue-eyed dynamo and thus confirming Gallegher’s suspicions.