“What did you do after she left?”
“I stayed at the lounge in disbelief. It took me a couple of hours to work up the energy to go home. I had a friend pick me up, because I’d had a lot to drink, so I passed out on my bed and slept the entire night until it was time to wake up for my flight the next day.”
“How was that?”
“Just as Kendall had warned me, Cass showed up. She worked the flight and told me she needed to talk to me about something important once we landed. After we got to Brazil, she told me everything…that she was pregnant and carrying my baby.”
“What was your reaction?”
“I was despondent, too heartbroken to even think about the big picture. At that point, all I could think about was losing Kendall. Nothing else mattered. I told Cass I would help support the baby if it turned out to be mine, but that I wouldn’t be able to give her anything more. I made it clear I would insist on a blood test once the baby was born.”
“Was she okay with that?”
“She wasn’t happy with my lack of interest or excitement, but there was nothing I could do to change that. I didn’t want that life with her. All I cared about was Kendall and had no energy to deal with anything else.”
“What ever became of Kendall?”
“I wish I knew.”
She looked stunned. “You don’t know?”
“To this day, I don’t know. She said she planned to go along with the insemination, but whether she really followed through is a mystery.”
“Have you tried calling her?”
“Yes. Several times. She either disconnected her phone or changed her number, but I haven’t gotten through. I remember her telling me her mother’s name once. I mailed a letter to an Annabelle Sparks in Dallas but still don’t know if it ever got to Kendall. I can’t find her on social media. I don’t know what else to do, or if she even wants to see me if I did locate her.”
Dr. Lemmon jotted down some notes before looking back up at me. “Tell me what happened…with the baby.”
“I was at the hospital when he was born. She named him Aidan. I didn’t know how to feel, because a part of me still didn’t believe he was mine. At the same time, I felt guilty for not feeling more.”
“Is he yours?”
“Two weeks after he was born, she finally had the blood test done. The days waiting for the results were torture.”
“And?”
“He’s not my son.” I let out a long breath. Anytime I relived that moment of truth, I couldn’t help feeling the same relief as the first time all over again.
Dr. Lemmon repositioned herself in her seat. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“It was an odd mix of anger and relief—relief because it absolved me of any responsibility in a situation I never chose, but anger because of all that I’d lost as a result. Things I can never get back.”
The woman I’d never get back.
The family I’d never get back.
The life I’d never get back.
“What has your life been like since finding out the truth?”
“It hasn’t changed much, to be honest. Working as many hours as I can. Going through the motions. What I’ve always done.”
“You use your job as a means to hide from your demons. First it was Lucy. Now it’s Kendall.”
I raised my voice in defense. “What do you suggest I do?”
Aren’t I paying you to tell me what the fuck to do?
“Until you know what’s become of Kendall, you won’t find that inner peace. Coming here was a good first step, but there is nothing I can do to keep this from haunting you.”
“I told you. I tried to contact her. I don’t know where she is.”
“You said you have a potential address in Texas. Why not go there, see if you can find out what’s happening in her life?”
I couldn’t bring myself to respond, even though I knew the truth; I was scared shitless. Scared of what she’d been through, scared of upsetting her, scared of the unknown. One thing was for certain; if I knew she wanted to see me, I would be there in a heartbeat.
THE THERAPY SESSION had left me drained. Instead of feeling better, it felt like the floodgates guarding my sanity had burst open.
That night, back at my condo in Boca, I was hanging up my uniforms that I’d picked up from the dry cleaner when my eyes landed on white fur at the back corner of my closet. It was exactly where I’d tossed it away months ago.
I’d bought a teddy bear in Venezuela and planned to give it to Kendall if she’d taken me up on my offer. I took the bear and stared at it as I sat on the edge of my bed.
“I should have tossed you in the trash. Then, I wouldn’t have to look at you right now.”
Great. Now, I was talking to inanimate objects.
“What do you think? Should I go to Texas? Try to find her?”
You’re fucking nuts, Carter.
“What do I have to lose? I’ve lost everything, right?”
Bringing the bear closer to my face, I said, “I’m letting you make the decision. If you continue to remain silent, I’m going to assume that you don’t object.”
I placed it on top of my dresser and stood back, crossing my arms and still staring at it.
“Speak now or forever hold your peace,” I said before lying on my bed and opening my laptop.
With three days off before I was due to fly to Rio, I used my miles and booked a flight to DFW Airport.
Turning to the chest of drawers, I pointed to the stuffed animal. “If this blows up in my face, I’m blaming you.”
THE SPRAWLING RANCH was at least eight acres. There were a few horses grazing, but it seemed pretty desolate and unkempt given the size of the property.
The infamous Sparks Ranch.
I’d always wanted to see where Kendall grew up; I just didn’t expect to be visiting this place without her.
A blonde woman who looked like she might’ve been beautiful twenty years ago opened the door. She had a cigarette hanging from her mouth and smelled like booze. “Can I help you?”
“Do you live here?”
“Yes, this is my property.”
“Are you Annabelle?”
“Yes. Who are you?”
“I’m looking for your daughter, Kendall. My name is Carter Clynes. I used to know her.”
She took a long drag then blew the smoke out, pointing her finger at me. “Oh my God. It’s you. You’re the pilot.”
“Yes. She spoke of me?”
“She did.”
That pleased me.
“Is she here?”
“No. My daughter hasn’t been here in months.”
Filled with dread, I asked, “Where is she?”
“Beats the hell out of me. Kendall made it clear she did not want me to know her whereabouts.”
“When was the last time she was here?”
“She’d taken a trip to Germany. Wouldn’t tell me what happened there. Trip lasted about two weeks. I only found out she’d gone there from the ticket on her luggage, otherwise she wouldn’t have even given me that much.”
“How long was she here for after returning from Germany?”
“A couple of days. She said she was just grabbing her things and leaving again. She told me not to worry about her.”
“She didn’t say whether she was going through with the insemination?”
“No. My daughter much prefers to torture me, changed her phone number, making it impossible for me to find her. She would prefer to leave me here suffering, wondering if I’m gonna lose everything or not. We don’t have much time left. If she hasn’t given birth to a male baby, everything will be gone soon. It’ll be the end of my world as I know it.”
This woman was unbelievable. It took everything in me not to tell her to go fuck herself. But I needed her not to kick me out just yet. “I would say that’s being a little dramatic, Ma’am. You know, there is the option of downsizing
and getting a job. It’s hardly the end of the world just because you can’t maintain this property or lifestyle. At this point, I think you should be more concerned about your daughter’s well-being.”
She chose to ignore my comments. “What is it you want?”
“I need to find her.”
Annabelle walked over to an ashtray and put the cigarette out. “I’m sorry. As I said, I can’t help you.”
Looking around the vast living space, I asked, “Does she have a bedroom here?”
“Yes.”
“Would it be okay if I took a peek inside to see if I can find any clues as to her whereabouts?” When she seemed to hesitate, I said, “It could benefit both of us if we can locate her.”
She lit another cigarette, took a long puff and shrugged. “Go on ahead. Second door on the left up the stairs.”
Nodding my head once, I said, “Thank you.”
The door creaked open as I entered Kendall’s room. The sun was pouring into the space, casting a shadow on her light yellow bedspread. Everything was so clean, delicate and feminine, just like her. My heart felt heavy as I traced my fingers along her personal items.
My hand stopped along a framed picture of Kendall with an older man that might have been her grandfather. It was a few years old. Seeing her beautiful smile again only made me more determined than ever to find her.
After scouring the room, nothing of informational value turned up. I felt defeated. Opening her half-empty closet, I lifted a few of the remaining dresses one by one, smelling each one, hoping for any recognition of her scent.
My hand landed on something unusual. I froze. Hanging in the leftmost corner of the closet was a tiny suit made for a baby boy. It was navy with piping down the sides and looked like a little pilot’s uniform. I looked at the tag. The name of the brand was Carter’s.
Holy shit.
I took it down from the rack, and that was when I saw it: a pair of pilot’s wings pinned to the front of the suit. Filled with painful longing, I closed my eyes and remembered her words from one of our last conversations before everything was destroyed.
“I bought something today that reminded me of you.”
This must have been what she was going to bring me. It was proof that she had been planning to take me up on the offer. She wanted the baby, too, just as much as I did. I clutched the suit to my chest.
She lied about having decided on Germany. But the truth of the matter was, she did end up going there. I needed to know what happened, where she was. I needed to tell her that I still love her and accept whatever decision she’d made.
Would I still love her if she gave birth to another man’s baby?
Yes.
Goddammit. Yes, I would.
I needed to find her.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Could I get the FBI involved? The police? She’d willingly left. They weren’t going to spend time looking for her. I could hire a private investigator, but would that make her angry if she found out I’d done that against her will?
Then, I had a light bulb moment. In two days, I would be in Rio again. If there was anyone who might help solve this mystery, it was her crazy ass. This wasn’t a job for the police.
This was a job for Maria Rosa.
IT WAS ALMOST MIDNIGHT by the time the taxi dropped me off. A boarder answered the door and went back to his room. I followed my nose, which led me straight to the kitchen. Maria was stirring a large pot on the stove with one hand while feeding Pedro a slice of mango with the other. She didn’t turn around, and I hadn’t called ahead to let her know I was coming, so I assumed she thought I was someone else.
“Venha comer. Conversaremos, então.” Come eat. We’ll talk.
“É Carter, Maria.” It’s Carter, Maria.
She still didn’t turn around. Instead, she took a bowl out of the cabinet next to her and scooped out some feijoada. When she turned and placed the bowl on the table, she wasn’t the least surprised to see me. She’d known I was coming all along.
“Comer! Comer!” Eat. Eat.
She was psychic enough to know I was coming, yet I caught her off guard when I dropped my bags and hugged her. For some reason, being there made me feel something I hadn’t felt in almost a year—hope. I didn’t let go of her for the longest time, but when I did, she squeezed my face and kissed both of my cheeks. After, we sat and ate together in comfortable silence. By the time we were done, I was beginning to get anxious about what I wanted to talk to her about. I’d never asked her anything about my future. She would just randomly come out with things when she looked at me sometimes. I wasn’t even sure if she could answer my questions. Was being clairvoyant an on-demand ability?
After we cleared the table, I was starting to work up the nerve to ask, when she suddenly took both of my hands into hers. I never had to ask a single question. It wasn’t necessary since she told me to sit and began to tell me all about my future.
Three hours later, I was in my room, and my head was spinning. I tried to fall asleep, but it was almost impossible because the only room available was the one that Kendall and I had shared. I could still feel her spirit even after eleven months.
Eleven months.
What would she look like pregnant? Her perky tits heavy with milk and her ass a little fuller. Was I that hard up that the thought of a very pregnant Kendall was making me hard? Fuck. She was the only thing that could even get me hard anymore. Eleven months of celibacy. It was the longest stretch of my life since I was sixteen.
I’d decided on the long flight over that I truly didn’t care if she carried another man’s child. In a fucked up way, I almost wanted her to. Having her get everything she wanted would make the time we’d spent apart count for something at least. Because the thought of both of us wasting the last eleven months of our lives for no damn good reason was enough to make my chest constrict.
I thought about everything Maria had said tonight over and over in my head. As usual, her messages were cryptic, and it was difficult to decipher what it was she was even trying to tell me. But I was determined to listen to her advice no matter what it was. The problem was, I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to do.
A resposta está no céu. A resposta está no céu.
She just kept repeating the same phrase over and over again.
The answer is in the sky. The answer is in the sky.
SINCE IT WAS MORNING before I finally crashed, it was late afternoon when I woke up. My flight wasn’t until the following day, so I had plenty of time to try to figure out what Maria was trying to tell me. She was out at the market when I went looking for her, so I went for a walk on the beach in an attempt to clear my head.
After about a mile of walking in the blaring sun, I came across a lone chair sitting at the water’s edge. It dawned on me that the last time I’d walked this beach was with Kendall. Almost at this exact spot, we’d come across two random chairs. I hoped that this wasn’t a sign…that I’d only need one chair from now on.
Feeling forlorn, I sat down to try to make some sense of my crazy life. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes and let the sun shine down on my face while I recalled what had transpired the last time I sat in this very spot with Kendall. It played out in my head like a movie. Our chairs were facing each other, and we were playing footsy in the sand. I asked her why she was on the trip, and she had initially been vague. I’d soon find out that she was avoiding telling me her secret because she was embarrassed to admit the truth. She thought I would see her as shallow and desperate.
But the real truth was, before I met Kendall, I was the one who was living my life shallow and desperate. Going from woman to woman, never wanting to stay in one place too long. The woman who thought she was desperate turned out to be what I was in desperate need of. True love.
Not only had Kendall told me her secret in this spot, but I’d also opened up about Lucy. It was the first time I’d ever told anyone about Lucy. I’d never really ev
en spoken to my parents about everything that had happened. Yet I’d shared my demons with Kendall, and despite it all, she’d opened up her heart anyway. At least I thought she did.
The sun felt so good heating my face. The sound of the waves lightly meeting the surf lulled me to relax. I let out a deep breath and allowed the beach to wash away some of my stresses. There was no point tearing myself up over the past anymore. The only thing I could control was the future now.
My future.
A resposta está no céu. A resposta está no céu.
Maria Rosa’s words kept playing in my head over and over.
The answer is in the sky. The answer is in the sky.
What the hell was she trying to tell me?
The answer is in the sky. The answer is in the sky.
Using my hand to shield my eyes, I looked up into the sun. Suddenly, the answer struck me in a moment of clarity.
The answer is in the sky.
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.
Maria was trying to tell me to go see Lucy. How could I have been so dense?
I’D CALLED IN A FEW FAVORS to make it happen. Considering I took every available flight that anyone asked me to take over the last five years, it wasn’t as difficult as I thought to get myself coverage for five days. After my flight back to the states today, I’d be flying standby back to Michigan. It had been more than a year since I was home and even longer since I’d visited Lucy. In fact, the last time I’d gone to Lucy’s grave was…never.
The time had come.
I didn’t know how or why, but Maria knew. The answer is in the sky.
IT WAS A TYPICAL late March morning in Michigan. Snow covered the ground, and ice covered the snow. My footsteps crunched beneath me as I walked on the frozen grass to row sixty-eight in the Crestwood Section of the Fairlawn Cemetery.
When the numbered stakes in the ground reached the designated row, I looked around and took a deep breath. Luckily, there was no one in sight as far as I could see. I was relieved because I was definitely not ready to run into Lucy’s family. Seeing anyone today was more than I could handle.
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