Lucy’s row had about twenty headstones. I walked slowly, reading the names on each until I came across hers.
Lucy Langella
July 10th, 1986 – September 7th, 2004
Pain sliced across my chest. I sucked in a jagged breath before reading the epitaph carved in script beneath her name.
Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Ours for a little while.
Wings for eternity.
It had been twelve years, yet time hadn’t closed the wound that was ripped open by Lucy’s death. It still hurt like hell. Fresh pain. Only today, instead of chasing it away, I welcomed it.
I read the beginning of the inscribed words again.
Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Is this what Maria wanted me to see? I tried to make sense of it. Was Lucy my moment and Kendall my lifetime?
Wings for eternity.
Was she trying to tell me I didn’t deserve either? That I was destined to fly around the world for eternity and never settle down?
The ache intensified. I squeezed my eyes shut as the taste of salty tears hit my nasal passage. Was this my punishment? Lucy had loved and lost. I’d done that to her. It made me realize that my life was easier to live before Kendall ever walked into that airport bar. They say that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but right now, I was thinking that’s a bunch of bullshit. Wouldn’t Lucy and I both have been better off if we’d never loved? I wouldn’t have realized that my life sucked before Kendall and Lucy would…still be here.
My shoulders started to shake long before the sound came. When it all hit me, I had to sit down in the snow, or I would have fallen over. As much as I tried to fight it, I couldn’t anymore. The sobs rose from deep within me, and I cried for all of the losses. For Lucy’s parents who never got to experience any of the joys that my parents had. For Lucy and Kendall, for letting them down because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants. And for the realization that…
Sometimes a Moment is a Lifetime
…and that’s all you get.
FIVE DAYS OF R&R didn’t help. I’d decided to forego visiting my parents even though I was only a short drive to their house. I was a mess, and if they’d seen me in this condition, it would only make them worry.
Sadly, I couldn’t wait to get back to work. Being in the air had become my home, and I was going stir crazy anywhere else. I arrived at Detroit airport three and a half hours early for my flight. The crew check-in hadn’t opened yet, so I headed to the Sky Lounge to get some breakfast while I waited. I’d just ordered a turkey and Swiss omelet and sat down to read the paper when a familiar voice called my name.
“Hey, Trip.”
Alexa Purdy was definitely not dressed in the standard-issue Captain’s uniform. She looked more like she was going to the beach than about to command a commercial flight. Her toned legs were long to begin with, but the short shorts she had on coupled with high heel sandals made her look like she could be a New York City Rockette.
“Alexa.” I nodded.
“Where you heading today?”
“New York. You?”
She gave me an I’m-going-to-eat-you-for-dinner smile and purred, “New York.”
“Flight plan had Ken Myers listed as my second.”
“Oh. I’m just a passenger. I was supposed to meet my friend in the city for a few days. But she cancelled on me at the last minute.” She pouted and flirtatiously swayed back and forth. “Now I’m all alone.”
I cleared my throat. “It’s a busy city. I’m sure you’ll find lots to do.”
Without being invited, she sat down across from me and tilted her head. “Do you still have that little blonde girlfriend? What was her name? Kylie?”
I didn’t bother to correct her because saying her name hurt too much. “It ended.”
Alexa didn’t even pretend to hide that my answer made her happy. “And how long are you in New York for, Trip?”
“Just the one night. Have a flight out to Copenhagen tomorrow evening.”
“One night, huh?”
I was grateful when the waiter came with my omelet. Even though I wasn’t really hungry, I dug in to occupy my mouth so I wouldn’t have to keep talking.
Alexa opted for a yogurt parfait and black coffee. With her tall, thin frame, long dark hair, and big brown eyes, she really was a beautiful woman. Although everything about her was pretty much the polar opposite of what Kendall looked like. If I remembered correctly, she was also the polar opposite of what Kendall was like in bed, too. While Kendall had a healthy sexual appetite, she liked for me to take the lead and play the dominant partner role in bed. Alexa, on the other hand, was aggressive and liked to remove the mystery of what made her tick by telling her lover very specifically what she wanted. At the time that had worked for me. It ensured there was a quick and easy happy ending for both of us. Since my time with her had been limited to a few layover romps, I was only anxious for a release followed by some good shut-eye.
Thinking about Alexa in that way made me feel angry with myself. But it also made me angry with Kendall. Over the last five days, I’d realized that her being pregnant with another man’s child wasn’t enough to make me run the other way. I now knew I would stick it out with her regardless of her being pregnant. It would be messy, but in my mind, she was worth whatever it took. Yet she’d left me before she was even certain I had a child. I’d gone from sad to angry and back a few times over the last few days. And my mood was currently in the angry zone.
For the next hour, Alexa and I caught up on some of the places we’d spent time and talked about who’d retired. Anything work related brought me a sense of comfort. Because it was all I fucking had anymore.
“Do you have a place booked for your layover yet?” she asked.
I hadn’t actually reserved anywhere because I hadn’t checked my flight assignment until I woke up this morning. “I’ll probably just stay at the JFK Radisson. I think that’s where they still put us up.”
“I have a room at the Plaza. What do you say, you come into the city with me and spend the night. We can go out dancing? Or if you’re not in the mood, we can skip the dancing and just go straight to bed.” She arched an eyebrow. Alexa was nothing if not a straight shooter.
Although I really had no desire to, I figured I might as well jump back into my life. This was going to be it for me. I hadn’t been with another woman in more than eleven months. If I was jumping back into action, it might as well be with a woman who I knew I was compatible with and also had no expectations for anything more than just fucking. What the hell? It was better than being alone anymore. “Sure…why not.”
AFTER WE LANDED, I HAD to wait around for one of the local International Airlines mechanics to come by. One of the plane’s gauges had stopped working mid-flight. It wasn’t critical to safety, but our policy required us to stay until we met with the service technician so that we could explain the problem first-hand. I told my second officer to leave, and I’d stay behind and wait. Unlike me, he had a family waiting for him at home. I also had Alexa to keep me company while I waited. Apparently, there was a backup in service calls, and I was going to be sitting around for up to an hour. Alexa joined me in the cockpit to wait.
“Remember that time we almost got caught in Berlin while we were on weather delay? I was sitting on your lap riding you, and the door was open to the cockpit, and we didn’t hear the announcement that they were finally going to start boarding?” She was sitting in the chair next to me and rubbed her fingers up and down my arm as she spoke.
I nodded, unable to answer vocally because I knew my voice would come out full of disgust. I remembered the day she was talking about, although the thought of it made me feel ill at the moment. Loveless fucking. What had happened to me that I wasn’t really interested anymore? I was positive
if I had told her to get on her knees right at that moment as we waited for the mechanic, she would have done so happily. There was a time when getting head in the cockpit was better than any high. Would I ever get back to those days where I felt like that? It sure as hell didn’t feel like it at the moment.
“We have an hour to kill. We could put the sun shield up and pregame it?”
“I’d just rather get this taken care of and head to the hotel.”
She was quiet for a moment. “What’s going on with you, Trip? You don’t seem like yourself.”
“Nothing. Just tired from the flight.” I wasn’t going to insult her and tell the truth—that I felt like I was waiting to go before the firing squad rather than looking forward to being inside of her again. No reason to hurt her feelings. The shit I was going through was all my problem.
She must have sensed that my mind was elsewhere. “What happened to you and the little blonde, anyway? Rumor around the crew was that someone had finally grounded Captain Bigcock?”
My brows drew together. “Captain Bigcock?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what the flight attendants call you. It’s no secret that you like to fuck, and you’re well equipped.”
I shook my head, disgusted with myself. God, I really was an asshole before I met Kendall.
When I didn’t respond, she pressed again. “What? Were you in love with her or something?”
Head over fucking heels.
“I don’t want to talk about this with you, Alexa.”
“Why? I was married once. I was in love. I could be a friend, too, you know. There’s more to me than just a place to stick your dick once in a while. You just never had any interest in getting to know me before.”
I stared at her. She was absolutely right. Before Kendall, I wouldn’t have agreed with her, but now I knew what it was like to let someone in—to open myself up to more than just sex—so I was able to see things clearly. I’d never given her a half a chance. “I’m sorry about that, Alexa.”
She let down her tough guard and, for a second, I saw a vulnerable side of her that I’d never seen before. “That’s okay. I took what I could get from you.”
Luckily, the mechanic showed up quicker than expected and ended our little heart to heart. After I showed him the broken gauge and ran though a checklist of other questions, I was done and released from my duty. Alexa and I disembarked, and we headed into the terminal and began our walk to the airport exit.
As we made our way through the concourse, my mind was racing. Was this the right way to go about making myself feel like the old me again? Mindless screwing with a co-worker? Why did it feel wrong now? Kendall was gone, it had been more than eleven months, and there was no reason for me to stay faithful to a ghost.
As we passed a Hudson News stand, I thought I actually saw a ghost. A woman was browsing magazines, her back facing me, but from behind she looked exactly like Kendall. My heartbeat started to accelerate more in that quick flash than it had in a long time. Seeing the ghost of Kendall had me more worked up than the thought of what I was about to do with Alexa. I stared at the woman as we passed. Realizing she was wearing a flight attendant’s uniform for a sister airline, National Elite, I felt deflated and forced myself to look away. I was really starting to lose my mind.
A conscience I didn’t realize I even owned had started to kick in by the time we reached the exit. There was no way I could do this with Alexa. As much as I hated myself for not being able to move on, I just wasn’t ready. The taxi line had only one person waiting. We got in line, and a cab quickly pulled up. When the driver got out and opened the trunk, I waited until he took Alexa’s luggage.
“Alexa. I’m sorry. I appreciate the invitation, but I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” She seemed sincerely perplexed.
“Go with you. To your hotel. I’m not ready.”
“Not ready? You mean…”
“No, not like that. It’s not a physical problem. I’m just…my mind is somewhere else, and that’s not fair to do to you.”
She stepped closer and grabbed the lapels to my uniform. “I don’t mind.”
I forced a sad smile. “I’m sorry. But I do.”
She sighed loudly. “Is there anything I can offer to convince you?”
Can you make a ghost turn into reality?
“No. I’m sorry.” I opened the back door of the car and waited for her to get in.
She slipped inside and looked genuinely sad, rather than angry. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
“Thank you. Take care of yourself, Alexa.”
I shut the door and rapped my knuckles on the top of the yellow car to let the driver know he could pull away. Then I stood there for a full ten minutes staring at nothing but the sidewalk. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I could go check into a hotel, but that thought depressed me even more than the incident with Alexa did. So I did the only thing that seemed to make me feel better lately—and headed back into the airport.
The Sky Lounge food wasn’t half bad, and it would kill some time before going to my depressing hotel by myself. I headed through the security I’d just exited and back down the National Elite concourse. As I passed gate thirty-two, I caught a glimpse of what I thought was the blonde Kendall ghost walking down the gangway to board her flight. She really looked like her from behind. The swing of her hips was even similar. I stopped to watch her walk the entire way down, not moving until she’d disappeared out of sight. Again, my heart was beating out of control just seeing a woman who looked similar to Kendall.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I shook my head, blinked a few times, and forced myself to continue walking. I’d made it two or three more gates when I suddenly turned back around. “I’m losing my fucking mind,” I grumbled to myself. It was ridiculous, I knew. But my heart was still racing, and I’d never be able to sleep tonight if I didn’t at least ask.
I waited in line behind a woman who wanted to change her seat. When it was my turn, I made sure my captain’s hat was on my head. “Hi, I’m Carter Clynes with International. I could have sworn I just saw an old friend that I used to work with go down the gateway.
“You mean Captain Reisher?”
“No. A flight attendant. We used to work together.”
“Let’s see. We have Melissa Hansen, Nat Ditmar and…” The woman turned to her co-worker. “What’s the new flight attendant’s name again? The blonde?”
My heart started to pound with anticipation.
“The one that just finished training last week?”
“Yeah, that’s her. She just boarded today’s flight.”
“Oh. Her name…is Kendall.”
I froze. It couldn’t be. “Did you say Kendall?”
“I did. Is that who you thought it was?”
It has to be one giant coincidence.
“Kendall…is her last name Sparks?”
“Yeah, that’s it. She works the shuttle from New York to Boston now.”
Am I imagining what I’m hearing? Have I lost the rest of my marbles? Or can it really be possible that Kendall had become a flight attendant and was right down that hall?
The thought seemed insane.
I looked up at the flight board. It showed Boston, but was flashing delayed. “What time are you supposed to leave?”
“Our wheels up time is in fifteen minutes, but they’re telling us to expect at least an hour delay due to high winds.”
“Is the flight full?”
She keypunched a few things. “There are a few seats left right now.”
“I’ll be back.” I took off as fast as I could, running to the ticket counter where I could buy a seat.
SINCE IT WASN’T MY AIRLINE, I had to wait in line with everyone else, and I was starting to get antsy. I’d checked the time on my phone a dozen times in the fifteen minutes I’d been waiting. The guy in front of me must have noticed.
“You look like you’re w
orried you’re going to miss your flight, mate.” He had what I thought might be an Australian accent.
“I’m trying to get on a delayed flight. There aren’t many seats left though.”
“You’re a pilot, aren’t you?”
I nodded.
“Don’t they give any preffy to the big boy at the head of the plane? What are you waiting on line like us cattle for?”
“It’s not the airline I work for.”
“Ah. Well you can go ahead of me, if it helps any. I’m three hours early for my flight.” The guy had a large dog carrier crate in front of him.
“You early to check-in your dog or something?”
“Or something.” He chuckled. “My wife and I were visiting here in New York. She won’t leave Mutton here home alone. The damn thing goes wherever we go.”
“Mutton?”
He leaned in and whispered, “That’s a goat I got in there.” Then he held his finger up to his mouth giving the universal sign for shhh. “Don’t tell the people at the airline. My wife thinks they won’t notice.”
I leaned over and peered into the crate. Sure enough, the guy had a small goat inside. “You don’t think they’ll know it’s a goat?”
“You haven’t met my wife, Aubrey. She went to hit the head. But by the time we’re done at this counter, they’ll be offering Pixy here Milk-Bones. She can sell wood to a forest. Come to think of it, you’re best going ahead of me. Because if they try to make this thing fly with farm animals, we’re going to be here for a good lot.”
I shook my head, amused. The guy was so charismatic and good looking, something told me he could sell the ladies behind the counter that the goat was a kitten if he tried. We talked for a few minutes, inching up a little at a time.
“So where you heading? Taking an adventure of some sort?”
“I hope so,” I said.
When the flight attendant called out ‘next’, the Aussie told me to go ahead of him. I extended my hand. “Thanks. Good luck with your…pet.”
“Thanks. Hope you find that adventure.”
Playboy Pilot Page 20