“Jesus!” Johnny exploded, irritated. “Is that what you guys do all the time—sit around and talk about me? Christ, I feel like I’m on display, being judged here. I’m a grown man for crying out loud. What is the deal?” Johnny felt anger heating his face and neck.
Yet he knew even as he protested that Billy didn’t mean to be unkind. Billy, more than any of them, had always looked out for his little brother, defending him from the constant haranguing by his older brother and father, who had always found him wanting. Even now, by asking Johnny to go to lunch away from the garage, Johnny knew Billy was just trying to look out for him.
They were seated and had placed their orders when Johnny said, “Listen, I’m sorry, Billy. I know you’re just concerned. Everything is fine. Really. I guess I’m just trying to grow up, you know? My private life is private. Dad and Hank can go to hell and you can tell them that.” He felt himself grow hot again, his blood pressure rising, and he forced himself to calm down.
“I mean, you can tell them I’m not using drugs or dealing drugs or secretly drinking or doing anything illegal. I’m fine. Just fine.”
“So what is it?” Billy asked softly, his expression beckoning. “Is Mom right? Are you in love?”
Johnny turned away but not before Billy saw something in his face. “No way. You are! Mom’s always right! So what’s the big secret? Why keep her from us? How long have you been seeing her? It’s been at least a couple of weeks, am I right? Probably longer. Is that bracelet from her? Kind of a weird gift from a woman, isn’t it? Is she a biker chick? Tattoos, a Harley, the whole bit? Is that why you’re hiding her from us? Come on, bro, you can tell me!” Billy smacked Johnny on the back in congratulations.
Johnny laughed in spite of himself. “Jesus, it’s a good thing you ran out of breath. What were there, six hundred questions just now? What am I, under arrest? Do I need an attorney?”
Billy laughed sheepishly and Johnny was saved further discussion for the moment by the arrival of their food. Johnny bit into his meatball sub while Billy twirled spaghetti around his fork and ladled a huge bite into his mouth. After he’d made quick work of his plate, Billy mopped some remaining sauce with a piece of bread and said, “So, all this moping and absentmindedness and not showing up to visit us anymore is because of a girl? What’s her name? Where’d you meet her?”
Johnny stared at his brother. He knew his family was disappointed and confused he hadn’t married yet and rarely even brought a date home for Sunday dinner, as had been the tradition with his older brothers before they married. He knew his mom wanted grandchildren from him and she often reminded him he “wasn’t getting any younger”, though she always said it with a smile, just before launching into a story about a lovely young woman she’d met at the deli or her sister’s friend’s mother’s maid’s cousin who was available and eager to meet her Johnny.
Johnny’s mind drifted back to Eric—to the last time they’d made love. “Eric?” he’d said sleepily, dozing off and on, spooning Eric from behind as they lay on their sides.
“Hmm?”
“I want to make love to you.”
“You always do.”
“No, I mean, I want to…” he paused, wondering if he dared ask for what he wanted. Johnny still wasn’t sure about all the rules and regulations of a D/s relationship, if there were such things.
“What? What do you want, Johnny? You can ask me anything, you know that.”
“Okay.” Johnny was glad Eric wasn’t facing him. It made it easier to say what he wanted to say. “I think I’d like to try to, uh, take you from behind. You know.”
Eric turned back toward Johnny, his expression at once tender and amused. “You are so cute when you get all shy on me. You’re saying you want to take me anally, huh? To fuck me in the ass.”
“Yeah.” Johnny bit his lower lip and then grinned.
“Well, subs don’t usually get to fuck their Masters, you know.” Johnny’s face must have registered his disappointment because Eric laughed and tousled his hair, adding, “But then, we aren’t just Master and slave, are we? We’re lovers. We’re best friends.”
Johnny had warmed to these words, grabbing Eric in a big bear hug as a crazy joy spread through his body. “I do enjoy being on the receiving end now and again. It’s actually a good thing for a Dom to experience everything he asks of his sub. I’ll let you fuck me, Johnny. But you do understand this is me letting you, not you taking anything I don’t want you to have.”
“Of course, yes, I understand.” Now that he’d said yes, Johnny felt butterflies flitting through his belly. He’d had intercourse with several women, but that was different. What if he got soft and couldn’t penetrate? What if he messed it up or hurt Eric?
His fears had been unjustified. Eric had gently pushed Johnny to his back and taken his cock gently into his mouth, quickly bringing it to full erection with his skillful attentions. He’d even rolled the lubricated condom onto Johnny’s cock himself, making the experience an erotic one as he’d kissed Johnny’s mouth and throat while his hands were busy below.
Eric had stood by the bed, leaning over it for support. “This is the easiest way for a beginner, I think. If this doesn’t feel comfortable, we can try a different way. Don’t worry about hurting me. I’ll guide you. Trust your body and go with what feels right. Okay, baby?”
Johnny nodded, his cock bobbing toward Eric’s small, muscular ass. Tentatively he took hold of Eric’s hips, daring to touch his nether entrance with the tip of his cock. Slowly he pushed, feeling the resistance of Eric’s sphincter. He hesitated, not wanting to hurt him.
“It’s okay. Go on. I want it, babe. You’re so fucking sexy right now, Johnny. Do it.” That was enough for Johnny. Emboldened, he pushed harder, feeling the tight clamp of Eric’s rectum as he penetrated his lover.
He was in, his cock disappearing between the round globes of his lover’s ass. Johnny couldn’t suppress a moan of pleasure as his cock was sheathed in the tight, velvet passage. It felt different from vaginal intercourse—tighter and hotter. But it wasn’t only the physical sensation that was different, it was the fact he was making love to his lover—to the man who made his heart pound with desire and his body cry out for release.
Together they moved in a primal rhythm, Eric arching back to meet Johnny’s thrusts, their sighs and moans a duet of passion. Johnny reached around, taking Eric’s shaft into his hand, drawing a low, guttural moan of pleasure from his lover.
As Johnny had started to come, Eric had taken over his own cock, making himself ejaculate within seconds of Johnny. They’d fallen together to the bed, Johnny rolling to one side as they fell, his arms tight around his lover.
Johnny blinked a little in the dim light of the restaurant, trying to focus on whatever Billy was saying. Ah yes, he’d been asking for the name of his lover.
Billy was looking earnestly at him, clearly waiting for an answer. Did he tell him? Did he say, You know how Hank’s always hassled me that I’m a pretty boy? How he and Dad have always told me I don’t have what it takes to be a real man? Billy, I know Dad thinks homosexuals should be castrated and then shot, but guess what, your little brother is a flaming faggot.
Did he admit, You know, this bracelet you’re wondering about? It’s actually a symbol of ownership. It’s like a slave collar, except we didn’t want to be so obvious so I wear it on my wrist. Did he continue over the no doubt stunned silence that would follow this admission by explaining, See, I’m what you’d call a sub. A submissive. I get off on being used and controlled sexually. I get hard by being whipped and tied down and fucked up the ass by a sexy man named Eric Méndez.
Should he calm Billy’s natural fears at that point by adding, Don’t worry, he may be Puerto Rican, a Spic as Dad would say, but he’s rich. He’s college educated with a masters in psychology and he has his own practice in Manhattan. He’s real good to me and he loves me in a way no one ever has and, frankly, I didn’t know anyone could. Oh, and you can tell Mom he’s
a great cook. They could exchange recipes.
“What’re you grinning about?” Billy asked, as these thoughts raced through Johnny’s head.
“Oh nothing.” Johnny’s expression sobered.
“So come on, what’s her name?”
Johnny teetered on the edge of a confession, angered by the certain knowledge neither he nor his lover would ever be accepted by his family. What the hell! He had just proclaimed to his brother he was a grown man—why shouldn’t he admit the name of his lover? He opened his mouth to give voice to his convictions.
“Amanda,” he said instead.
Chapter 13
Johnny and Eric didn’t talk about their families much. They came together in a kind of fairy-tale way, leaving their “real lives” aside. Their weekends were like a secret oasis, not shared with anyone else.
Johnny seemed content with this. Eric’s probing about Johnny’s life and background had yielded basic details, but Johnny didn’t seem to want to linger on the topic. He’d made it pretty clear his family had no idea of his sexual orientation and he believed he’d be disowned if they ever found out.
Eric, on the other hand, was much luckier. His family not only knew, but embraced him for who he was. He’d been all of thirteen when he’d come out to them, admitting it first to his little sister Margarita, only a year younger than himself.
They had always been very close and it really hadn’t occurred to him to hide it from her. They had both started taking an interest in sex at about the same time, girls maturing faster than boys, as Margarita had explained to him.
When Margarita hung pictures of her favorite movie stars and rock stars on her bedroom walls, Eric found himself attracted to them as well. He felt only mildly interested at best, and indifferent most of the time toward the girls his friends found hot.
They’d been lying in Margarita’s bed late one night, as they often did, talking about everything under the sun. Their mother worked the evening shift as a nurse and they’d gotten into the habit of waiting up for her on weekends so they could visit with her at midnight when she’d arrive home. Eric liked to have a warm meal prepared for her and Margarita would massage her shoulders after she ate. They both felt very grown-up taking care of their mama.
“You should tell Mama,” Margarita had counseled. “She’s a nurse—she’ll know what to do.”
“What do you mean she’ll know what to do?” Eric had demanded, punching his little sister playfully on the arm. “You act like I’ve got a disease or something. It’s perfectly natural. In fact I read somewhere at least ten percent of the population is gay. Think about that. Of our twenty-two first cousins, at least two of them are gay. In your class at school there are a couple of gay kids too, even if they don’t know it yet.”
Margarita had shaken her head emphatically, her long curly hair flying. “No way. There aren’t any gay kids in my class. No way. And none of our cousins are gay. The uncles would kill them.”
Eric’s father had died when the children were still toddlers, and “the uncles” were the men of the house. Though Eric and Margarita only had their mother, they also had an entire neighborhood full of extended family in the South Bronx, several of the families even residing in the same apartment building.
Eric had laughed. “You nut. Uncle Luis is gay. Has anyone killed him?”
Margaret stared at her older brother. “Are you sure?”
“Sure I’m sure. I’ve heard the aunts talk about it. They’re cool with it. They have enough babies without Uncle Luis adding any more. That’s all they care about anyway, babies! Haven’t you ever noticed how Uncle Luis never married, and always has a nice-looking guy with him when he comes to family parties?”
Margarita thought a while and then nodded. “Well, Uncle Luis is my favorite uncle and you’re my favorite brother so I guess I’m okay with it.”
“You nut, I’m your only brother!”
His mother had been just as easy, ruffling his head and saying, “Eric, I don’t care about that sort of thing. That’s your private business. I love you six ways to Sunday, just the way you are.”
Of course, his mother and sister did not know about his dominant sensibility or his reputation as a trainer of sex slaves and a much sought-after Dom. As his mother had wisely said, it was his private business. He didn’t know what his sister did for sexual fun either, though married to an attorney with two children of her own, he doubted it was anything too exciting. But then, one never knew. He’d learned that long ago.
Johnny, on the other hand, didn’t have the luxury of a longtime knowledge of his own sexuality or the loving acceptance of his family. His was clearly a struggle, and even though Eric believed Johnny did love him, and loved what they shared, he wondered how Johnny would really feel if Eric took things further.
He found himself thinking, as he never had before, about settling down with just one person. At almost thirty-one, he’d been playing the scene for close to ten years. He’d had literally dozens of casual affairs and a couple of more serious relationships, but other than Mark, he’d never seriously considered choosing a life partner.
He’d always had fun using subs until they bored him, which was usually pretty quickly. He enjoyed the training sessions at the clubs where he’d garnered a reputation as a serious Dom. He could pretty much have his pick of the guys and he helped himself, though he tried never to just blatantly use someone. He never led them on with promises he had no intention of keeping.
Yet as the years passed, he found he was looking for more than just a pretty face and a nice ass. He wanted someone he could actually talk to and share ideas and dreams with.
Eric thought of some of the other Doms in the scene who might have gotten hold of his Johnny. They would have chewed him up and spit him out. They would have used him and left him discarded, his heart no doubt broken, his fledging exploration into the romance of D/s shattered.
When Eric had first invited Johnny home, he had been sexually attracted to him of course, but hadn’t dreamed of the intense connection they would forge. He found himself daydreaming of life fulltime with Johnny Wilson. Johnny seemed to want more too, asking why he couldn’t stay during the week, go to work from Eric’s place, bring some clothing over. Eric had been tempted, but he’d always said no.
Eric was afraid if Johnny moved in, he would be the one to grow tired of Eric and leave him. How could it not be so? Eric was Johnny’s first real love experience, and Eric had known from the beginning it was only a matter of time before Johnny was ready to move on. Who stayed with their first?
By keeping him on the edge, by withholding himself in this way, Eric hoped to stave off the inevitable, to buy himself more time with Johnny.
He was Dom enough to control another person’s pleasure and pain, but was he man enough to let himself be vulnerable?
That Friday when Johnny came over, he seemed agitated. He kept twisting his leather bracelet and seemed as if he wanted to talk about something. Eric didn’t press him, waiting for Johnny to open up when he was ready.
But Johnny looked so miserable that over dinner Eric finally said, “Seems like you’re distracted tonight. Something on your mind?”
Johnny let out a breath. “No. I mean, yes. That is, I don’t know. Yes.”
Eric laughed. “Let’s see. Which answer should I go with? Yes, no or maybe so?”
Johnny laughed too, though without much mirth. “Here’s the thing. My family’s on to me.”
“What?”
“They know.”
“They know what? That you’re gay?”
“No. God, no!” He paused and added, “At least, I don’t think so. But they know I’m seeing someone. Billy, my brother, he said something. Apparently, they all have nothing better to do but sit around and discuss me. My dad and older brother Hank think I’m doing drugs or something, but Billy and my mom think I’m in love. Billy called me on it the other day.”
Eric smiled, touched. Was his Johnny mooning around the car
garage—was he that sweetly obvious about his feelings? Aloud he said, “So? It’s okay to be in love, isn’t it?”
“Sure, yeah. I guess. But Billy asked me her name.”
“Well, that’s natural. He assumes you’d be with a girl, right?”
“Yeah, I know. And I was sitting there with him feeling so fucking confused! I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him the truth. All of it.” Johnny let out a long sigh. “Things used to be so easy. Me and Billy could talk at least. Besides my mom, he’s the only one I ever felt safe with. The only one who didn’t laugh at me because I didn’t want to do all the macho shit the rest of them did. Because I wanted to read a fucking book! Him and his wife Sandy have always made me feel welcome in their home.”
Johnny frowned, clenching his hand into a fist and hitting it lightly against the table top. “I had the chance, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t tell him. I was this close to admitting it. To saying, I’m not in love with a woman at all. I’m in love with a man! His name is Eric Méndez and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I belong to him. I’m his gay, submissive lover and I’m proud of it.”
Eric waited, his heart tugging with sympathy for the pain he could see Johnny was in. Unshed tears made Johnny’s gold-green eyes glisten. “But I didn’t, Eric,” he said sadly. “I denied you. I bit my tongue and I lied. I didn’t have the courage to admit what I am. I didn’t have the nerve to say the most basic truths about myself to my own brother. I said her name was Amanda.” Johnny’s voice cracked and he looked away, the pain etched on his face.
Eric put his hand on Johnny’s arm. “Hey,” he said softly. “It’s okay. I certainly don’t expect that of you. What you and I share doesn’t have to be shouted to the world, at least not that part of your world.” Eric sighed. “You know, even though we live in the twenty-first century and you’d hope people would be tolerant of differences and accepting of who we are, some things take a really long time to change. I’m sure Billy is a great guy. In fact, he might be more open to accepting you as you are than you think. But even if he wasn’t, please don’t beat yourself up about this.”
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