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by Xavier Neal

  Mandy nods and then raises her eyebrows skeptical. “So you just...carry that around with you? That's trashy.”

  “For your information, I had just picked it up before heading over here to help you with this.”

  “They don't mail it?”

  “I was on location.” Just because I'm vague about it doesn't mean I'm lying. I was on location. If I could tell her exactly what it is I do, I would. No hesitation. Shouldn't that count for something? Wanting to be honest when you can't? “Now, any more questions?”

  Mandy twists her lip gloss covered lips before turning back around to pulling her salad leaves. “I'm still not sleeping with you.”

  “So you keep saying,” I chuckle and head back to my part of the meal contribution. Suddenly the music blaring changes to a voice I love. “Hey, I didn't know you were a fan of Lix and the Final Six.”

  “Love her voice.” She tosses me a look over her shoulder. “Plus she's so sexy with all those tattoos.”

  With a wide smirk I wiggle my eyebrows. “She's not the only one.”

  “You know nothing about my tattoos.”

  “I was with you when you got the 'Kiss the Cook' with the red lip stick kiss on your rib cage. I know something.”

  “Crap. That's right.”

  “Yeah.” I start chopping. “You wouldn't let me get one that said Kiss the coc-” the ringing of her cell phone cuts off my sentence.

  Grabbing her cell phone, she turns the music down and answers, “Hello.”

  The memory of going with her to get the tattoo has a smile shoving it's way back onto my face. Originally we went to get Haven tatted, without Grim's knowledge because that would've been a bloodbath for me, and while we were there, Mandy decided if she got one at the same time with Haven it might help. It was one of the hardest fucking days in my life. Her shirt rolled up. Her delicious skin exposed. Another man touching it in way she wouldn't let me. Still won't let me. Needless to say that night ended in a case of beers.

  “No that's fine,” Mandy's voice raises in clear distress. She punctuates on the last word of a sentence when irked. I put the knife down and turn my body to face her just as the oven timer goes off. “No. That was just me pre-heating the oven.” Lie. That was dinner's done. “Yeah. Had barely gotten started. Anyway enjoy dinner.”

  The minute she hangs up, I raise my eyebrows in question.

  “Parents canceled on me. Nothing special.” She tosses the phone and spins back around clearly trying to hide her emotions.

  “Why?”

  “Apparently Doctor Dave had a free evening and decided to take them out for an impromptu dinner at Charlemagne's.” The disgust in her voice is followed with more ripping of leaves. “Because that place doesn't have the biggest dickhead chef around or anything. Because that place made a custom ordered lasagna from scratch with organic tomatoes that had to be bought two counties over because they were from the little farm that my sister just loves to pieces.” Shaking her head she grumbles, “And you think you're the only one no one wants.”

  The words force my body to carry me over to her. On instinct not worried about the knee to the nuts I might receive, I wrap my arms around her waist and place my head on her shoulder. To my surprise she relaxes into my touch. This feels right. Perfect. Natural. How one person can fit like this with another is a mystery. I've physically seen that with Grim and Haven. Now I can feel it too.

  “Just once Michael...just once I would like them to love me like they do her,” she whispers out. “Just fucking once.”

  “That's cause you're a brat,” my joke causes her to chuckle through the tears clogging her throat. She gently elbows me. “You have to know Mandy, that whether your parents say it or not, they're proud of you. They do love you. I've seen it. I think they baby your sister because she needs it. But you...you're their independent, head strong girl. You may need them, but I don't think they see it because you don't show it. You want them to know you need them, try letting them in on the secret.”

  She sniffles again and the oven blares an annoying sound again. “The lasagna is ready.”

  “Good. Because chick's crying makes me fucking hungry,” I playfully say receiving a sharp elbow to let her go.

  Mandy wipes away her tears and grabs her oven mitts not giving me another look. Maybe I should've told her I need her. That she makes my shitty life worth living away from the field. That she makes the mistakes of my past not feels so life shattering. Maybe that's what I should've said. But isn't this the story of my fucking life? Things I should've said and done.

  41 Days Til The Wedding

  Mandy leans against the side of my car. “Is it just us?”

  “Then it would be like a real date and you would've told me no.”

  “Well...” She shrugs as I lean beside her.

  “Grim and Haven will be here. Jazz and Lordy too.”

  “This feels even more like a date now.”

  “Jazz and Lordy are just co-workers. You and I are just friends¸” I clarify sliding my phone into my pocket. “Unless you are inviting me for more?”

  She looks up at me sarcastically. After I laugh she sighs, “Did you grab a tux yet?”

  “I have to wear a tux?”

  “What did you think you were gonna wear to the wedding? Board shorts?”

  “You love me in board shorts.”

  “On a board.” She points sternly to me. “This is serious Michael. You have to take this seriously. You can't embarrass me. You can't--”

  “Put a cork in that whine.” My hand waves her off noticing Grim's car parking. “I've got a scheduled date to go tux shopping. And your parents love me so much they'll probably ask me when I'm popping the question.”

  “Oh God,” she grumbles as Lordy and Jazz approach us. “I think I'm gonna be sick.”

  “Already?” Lordy looks concerned. “You haven't even had the nachos yet.”

  Jazz shoots me a head nod and I do a double take. The woman who I've never seen in anything other than her office wear has on a pair of low rise jeans, a black tank top, and a baseball cap with a pair of sandals. Actual sandals. She looks like Jazz's laid back twin. I'm scared.

  “Why are you staring at me?” Jazz growls.

  “You look weird.”

  “That's polite,” she comments in return.

  “She looks gorgeous man. What's your problem?” Lordy immediately defends her taking a protective step forward.

  “Well everyone looks on edge already, what did Glove say now?” Grim tightens his hand with Haven's.

  “Why's it always gotta be my fault?” I croak out.

  “Because it usually is,” Mandy answers and the group chortles.

  “I get you all free tickets to see one of the biggest fights in the country and this is how you all thank you me?”

  “How did you get tickets?” Grim asks, his voice now skeptical.

  “I slept with the ticket girl,” my answer flashes a jealous look on Mandy's face that she tries to bury quickly.

  “Really?” Haven ponders.

  “Nah. I used to party with Unbreakable back in the day. Called in a favor.”

  “In exchange for what?” Grim still looks unhappy.

  “We'll know when the day comes.” I shrug.

  Unbreakable and I used to cross paths when both trying to avoid the shit lives we were dealt. He had a mean fucking fist then and an even meaner one now. Never got into it, but he had my back a time or two for fucking with the wrong guys girlfriend. We're both from shitty lives with jail time a very real possibility, but ended up on paths that lead us to something better. Cashing in the small favor to take Mandy on a date that's not a date will come at a price someday, but when I spoke with him, he seemed to understand where I was coming from. Who the fuck knows. Maybe he's been there too.

  Grim grunts, “Comforting.”

  “I'm sure it'll be an easy favor.” Lordy wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Probably a pretty face and short skirt?”

  “So one o
f Michael's many leftovers,” Mandy sneers under her breath.

  Trying to ignore her comment with a smile I reply, “He's happily married with a kid, so no.”

  “Babies,” Haven coos softly and Grim looks concerned.

  “No babies right now,” he declares.

  “I wasn't asking,” she huffs.

  “Everyone's on edge now. Sounds like a good time for a beer,” I announce and start walking towards the entrance.

  The group follows along making casual conversation as I approach the ticket booth giving them my name and my license. After a few quick typing of keys I'm returned wrist bands and my identification. Once the wrist bands are passed around we head to get them scanned before being let in to the building.

  Inside it takes no time for a small argument to break out about the direction of our seats between Grim and Jazz. The two bicker consistently until I break away from the group to ask one of the ushers, which way we should go.

  “Thank you,” I say politely after receiving the information that Grim had the right idea. Turning I bump into a slender blonde in a pair of black leather shorts, and lacy red top that has my eyes attention with minimal effort. “Well hello...”

  “Hello,” she coos back licking her lips at me. She looks like a come to life Barbie. Fake tits and all. “You are delicious.”

  “I was thinking the same thing,” I mutter eyes drinking in a second glance. She is delicious. She is exactly what has been missing from my bed since I promised to do Mandy this favor. Something fun. Something sticky. Something meaningless.

  “You here alone?”

  “No,” Mandy's voice appears in the conversation. Unsure of exactly when she popped up, she makes it well known she's here now by speaking louder. “He's not. And rather than throw yourself at everything that looks fuckable, why not have a little more class?” Before the blonde can snap back Mandy smirks. “Nevermind. That answers obvious.”

  The blonde's jaw drops and I toss my arm around Mandy. “Excuse my girlfriend. She's been a little touchy since I got back from deployment.”

  “You're in the military too?” the girl whimpers. “Lucky bitch.”

  “That I am,” Mandy snaps. “Now, if you'll excuse us. Michael baby I'm ready to go sit down...”

  I nod at the girl and walk off with my arm still draped around Mandy. Expecting her to shake it off as soon we're out of sight, I'm surprised when she doesn't. Must be a perk of this whole jealousy thing. The six of us head towards seats only a couple rows away from the front.

  In a shocked voice Jazz says, “Really? You got seats this good. I hope he doesn't need a kidney....”

  “Or your left nut,” Lordy adds sitting beside Jazz and me.

  My arm drops from being around Mandy. “No one is getting my left or right nut.”

  “No one wants your left or right nut,” Grim states from the other side of Haven at the exact opposite end of Jazz.

  “I want nuts,” Mandy pipes up. When my smirk grows so does hers. Leaning towards me she says seductively, “Peanuts.”

  “Tease,” my remark receives a slug in the shoulder from her.

  “Obviously you can't be trusted to grab food,” Mandy snaps and stands. “Haven you wanna come with me?”

  “Yeah.” Haven stands up and Grim tries to stand up too. In a gentle voice she reassures, “Clint...I'm fine.”

  He nods and folds his arms across his chest.

  “Wanna come?” Haven offers Jazz who looks petrified.

  “Yeah, a little time away from these meat heads might help your sanity.” Mandy smirks bitterly at me.

  “Okay.” Jazz stands and follows the girls out of the seats, a very weary look on her face informing me what I was already afraid of. She hasn't spent much time around other women. Well. In our line of work I can't even blame her.

  When the three of them are completely out of sight, Grim leans over and nails me in the shoulder. “Damn it Grim! I'm fragile!”

  “Stop.” He points a stern finger at me. “Stop this bullshit right now. That is my wife's best friend.”

  “I'm not--”

  “Don't,” he cuts me off. “Just stop. This bullshit isn't gonna end where you think it is Glove. She's not gonna just hop on your dick and never hop off. I'm telling you, listen to me. Save yourself the heartache.”

  “Why are you so sure it's gonna end in heartache?” I defensively ask. “Why is it so fucking hard to imagine that maybe, just maybe a girl wants more than my dick in her life?”

  Grim grits his teeth but doesn't respond.

  Lordy speaks up from the other side of me, “I don't think it's hard to imagine Glove. I think Grim believes that you've already completely fallen for Mandy, which I don't disagree with, and at the end of your weird little deal, she's gonna walk away because she hasn't fallen for you.”

  “When did we turn into fucking chicks who can't stop talking about our feelings?” I gripe. Fuck it. It's not like that thought doesn't cross my mind every time we're in the same fucking vicinity. I just have to fucking deal with it. Not be reminded of it. Not from them. Not from the two who I already disappoint without help.

  “Don't fucking come crying to me when this blows up in your face,” Grim grouses. “I warned you.”

  “Don't worry. Lordy's shoulder is softer to cry on,” the comment gets me a middle finger from Grim and I laugh. “We still scheduled for the training time tomorrow?”

  Lordy leans over. “Yeah. But I'll be flying out sometime in the next couple of weeks.”

  Confused I grunt, “Fuck. Again?”

  “Yup.” He shakes his head slowly.

  “What is it this time?” Grim questions, the excitement from the crowd drowning out most of the possibility of being overheard.

  “Same shit,” he answers vaguely.

  They've been keeping him separate from us more often than either of us are comfortable with. Details of where he goes and what his purpose is are between him, Jazz, and Director Shepard. At times just him and Director Shepard. It's bullshit. We're a fucking team. Fuck that. We're fucking family. We deserve the right to know where he is just as much as they fucking do.

  “This shit is getting old.” Grim aggressively shakes his head. “We've spent more time apart than as a fucking team. How is that a good thing? How the fuck is this supposed to make things better? How is that supposed to strengthen us as a unit?”

  “Trust?” Lordy suggests and Grim glares harder.

  “Ot-oh,” Haven's voice squeaks. “He's making his grouchy face. What happened?”

  “I suggested he read a Kama Sutra book to lighten his mood,” I cover for us.

  Under any other circumstance Grim would lean over and punch me for making that kind of remark about his wife, but instead he grumbles, “And I was moments from pounding him for it.”

  “Stop hitting Glove,” Haven flops down next to him, handing him a beer.

  “But it's so easy.”

  “You're lucky I don't bruise that easy,” I playfully say while watching Jazz hand Lordy a beer and sit beside him, offering him some of her popcorn. Looking at Mandy I raise a hand defensively. “Where's my beer?”

  “I don't know, why don't you ask Helga?”

  “Who?”

  “The tall blonde with no ass or tits.” She bitchily smirks before sipping her own beer.

  “She had tits.”

  “Silicon filled.”

  “Jealous?”

  “Ugh,” she remarks unwrapping the edge of her hot dog. “Of the Godzilla sized Barbie doll? No. Not even a little.” Turning to face me, she lifts it to her mouth to take a vindictive bite. At the same time I take a chomp out of the other side. Immediately she yells with a mouthful of food, “Hey!”

  “If you would've brought me my own you wouldn't have to share,” I remind her swallowing the bite.

  “God you're a child!”

  “Brat!”

  “I think they're perfect for each other,” Haven says taking a bite of a nacho.


  The two of us turn our attention at her as she smiles brightly while Grim shakes his head. I know damn well she's perfect for me. Doesn't mean I deserve her. Doesn't mean she wants me. Doesn't mean anything other than one more reminder that I'll never be good enough for anyone or anything.

  39 Days Til the Wedding

  “I look like I have a tail.” I shake my ass in the full length mirror. “Watch. Watch.” I shake it again.

  Mindy covers her face to block the giggles and Grim shakes his head. “Don't encourage him.”

  “I can't help it,” she giggles louder.

  “Quack. Quack,” I say and Lordy laughs.

  “It's a penguin suit you moron.” Grim shuts his eyes in frustration.

  “Well I don't know what sound a fucking penguin makes!”

  “It damn sure doesn't fucking quack!”

  “Well it doesn't roar!”

  “Boys!” Mindy stops her laughter placing her hands on her small waist. “Enough.”

  “He started it!” Grim points childishly at me.

  “Quack. Quack.”

  “I swear to God--”

  Lordy laughs loudly as Mindy hushes us both as the sales woman approaches with a bottle of champagne. , “That's enough.”

  “Drink?”

  “I need one,” Grim mutters.

  “No thank you,” Mindy declines.

  “Do you need help?”

  Grim states with a firm face, “A zoo keeper.”

  “Ducks don't belong at the zoo Grim.”

  “Not at this moment,” she politely answers over the two of us. The woman nods curtly and walks away. Immediately Mindy scolds, “You three need to behave.”

  In unison we croak out, “But--”

  “Michael,” she fusses specifically at me. “You need to relax, which I understand is hard with the boys here--”

  “He told us to come!” Grim snaps.

  “Slugger,” her voice sternly says. Like the snap of a finger, Grim now looks like a scolded ten year old who is preparing to be lectured with his head slightly hung forward. “Enough.” Showing her the motherly respect she deserves, he shuts his mouth. “If you would've needed to go tux shopping they would've been by your side too.”