Find You in the Dark

by A. Meredith Walters

  My mom seemed torn. I could tell she wanted to believe what I had told her, but needed to stick with her rules. “Well. I'm not happy about this. Clayton, I don’t want you over here without either her father or I present. Is that clear?” She told him. I could see Clay swallow and he nodded. “Yes, ma'am.”

  I wished the floor would just open up and swallow me. But my mom wasn't done yet. “I'm not sure what the rules are at your house. But in this one, we do not condone two young people, particularly when they are dating, being alone together in a bedroom. I remember what it was like to be your age. With the hormones flying and not always knowing when to put the brakes on things.” Oh dear Lord! “Mom!” I yelped in mortification.

  My mom turned her harsh gaze on me. “And you, young lady, will have consequences for blatantly disregarding our rules. Whatever your reason for doing so.” She looked between Clay and I. “Your father and I will be in the kitchen eating. I suggest you get Clayton out of here before your father sees him.” I sagged in my chair with relief. My mom was bad enough, but I sure didn't want to be tag teamed by both she and dad.

  “And then you come straight down to the kitchen.” The guilt flared up again as I heard the angry disappointment in her voice. With a final pointed look at Clay, she went back down stairs. Clay got to his feet and put his books back in his bag. “That could have been a lot worse.” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

  Clay looked up at me through his hair. “Well, that was bad enough.” He said gloomily. I hated when he got that tone. It tore at my heart. I went over to him and wrapped my arms around him, rubbing my nose with his. “Don't worry about them. They disapprove of everything.” I murmured, trying to make this better for him.

  Clay hugged me back, kissing me lightly on the lips. “No, your mom hates me now. I get it. I keep screwing things up where they're concerned.” He pulled back and slung his book bag over his shoulder. I touched his arm. “Don't leave so upset, Clay. Come on. We were having a good time. Don't let them ruin it.” I sounded a little desperate. But I hated these dark moods of his. They worried me.

  Hearing the concern in my voice, he gave me a smile. A small one, but a smile nonetheless. “I just want to do everything right by you, Mags. I want to be the perfect boyfriend. I want your parents to like me and not blow a gasket when we spend time together.” I wanted to cry at the despair in his words. “I don't want perfect, Clay. I want you.” Clay rested his forehead against mine, kissing me slowly. “I love you so much. I just want to be everything you deserve.”

  My stomach flopped over at his words. “You are everything. To me you're the world.” I whispered against his mouth. At that moment, I knew it was the truth. I'd follow Clayton Reed to the edge of the Earth if he asked me to. We stood that way for a moment, absorbing the comfort that only we could give each other.

  But then too soon, Clay pulled away. “Okay, sneak me out of here and I'll call you later.” I took his hand and we quietly went down the stairs, my heart threatening to explode with every creak of the floor boards.

  I could hear the nondescript murmur of my parents' voices in the kitchen and knew we were in the clear. I carefully opened the door and shepherded Clay outside. I blew him a kiss and he pretended to catch it. I giggled and closed the door after making sure he was out of the driveway. I then made my way to the kitchen. The walk down the hallway was like walking the gangplank.

  Chapter Thirteen

  My parents looked up at me as I came into the kitchen. My dad gave me a warm smile. “Hi there my Maggie girl.” I looked at mom and tried not to shrivel under the dark look she gave me. So, she wasn't going to tell my dad about Clay being in my room, but I guessed that didn't mean I wouldn't be punished in other ways. Like being slowly tortured by her evil eye.

  “Get a plate and get some cheese wantons before your mother eats them all.” My dad joked, earning him a pinch in the arm from my mom. “You make me sound like a gluttonous pig, Martin.” She sounded annoyed. Though I knew her bad mood had nothing to do with my dad and everything to do with me.

  I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a soda. “Why don't you drink some milk or water instead of that syrupy junk.” My mom said sharply. I saw the look my dad shot her. He was confused about her apparent irritation with me. Normally I would have argued, but I recognized that would have been the wrong move. So I put the soda back and instead got a glass from the cabinet.

  Filling it with water from the tap, I came and sat at the kitchen table. My dad moved the cartons of Lo Mein and Sweet and Sour Chicken so I had room for my plate. “So how was school today?” My dad asked brightly. I shot a glance at my mother, but she was looking at her phone, checking emails.

  “Good. I got an A minus on my English Lit project.” I reported, trying to ease the tension in the room. My dad patted my hand. “Wonderful, Maggie. You take after your ol' dad, smart and beautiful.” I couldn't help but smile at my dad's compliment and it made me feel even worse for being deceitful. My mom looked up from her phone. “Yes. But book smarts doesn't replace common sense, wouldn't you say? Good decision- making is important. Right, Maggie?” She asked me pointedly.

  Great. I was going to have to suffer through a conversation laden with double meaning in the hopes my dad wouldn't catch on. I only nodded and stuffed my mouth with a piece of chicken. My dad scooped more Lo Mein onto his plate and tried to take the wanton from my mom. She moved it out of his way and smiled. She could never stay irritated with my father for long. They were kind of beautiful like that.

  “Nice try, Martin.” She said. My dad laughed and returned to his own food. We ate in silence for awhile. It was awkward, but better than having to make fake small talk. Finally my dad asked me, “Do you have any cool plans for Thanksgiving break? You and the crew doing anything epic?” I choked on my rice. “Cool? Crew? Epic? Have you been reading the urban dictionary again, dad? Trying to get in touch with the youth and all that?” I teased. My dad chuckled. “Hey. I'm hip. I'm down with the young folk.” He tried throwing a really horrible hip hop sign with his hands. I was in hysterics. “Enough! I can't take it!”

  My dad looked pleased that he had broken through the unbearable tension between us. My mom even laughed. Things relaxed a bit after that and I tentatively answered my father's question. I knew I could never tell them we all planned to go to Clay's cabin for the night. So I had to come up with a story quickly that would cover my tracks. One they would never question.

  “Well, Rachel asked me to spend the night on Saturday. She wants a full on girl's day. You know get pedicures, go see that new Brad Pitt movie. We haven't spent a whole lot of time together lately.” My dad swallowed his food and nodded. “Sounds like fun. Can I come? I could use a new coat of polish on my toe nails.” I just shook my head, smiling at him.

  My mom was quiet. “I haven't seen much of Rachel and Daniel lately. You've been spending so much time with Clayton. I miss seeing them.” Oh crap, here we go. My dad looked thoughtful, never a good sign. “That's true, Maggie. You haven't gone out with any of your friends in awhile. You know, it's not good to spend all of your time with Clay. It's just not healthy to isolate yourself like that.” My dad commented.

  I felt my blood pressure start to rise and I immediately became defensive. “I see them every day, Dad! It's not like Clay and I sequester ourselves off and never talk to anyone else. Jeez!” My voice was loud and I saw the surprised look on my father's face. But I was quickly getting tired of catching slack for my relationship with Clay.

  “We're just worried, sweetie.” My dad said gently. I threw my hands up in the air. “What do you have to be worried about for goodness sake? My grades are still good, I've yet to break my curfew. I don't think I'm that bad of a kid.” I looked straight at my mom when I said that, daring her to refute me. She frowned. “No one's saying you're a bad kid, Maggie. Calm down. “ There's something about those words “calm down”, that make me anything but. My anger spiked. “This is freaking ridiculous.” I muttered, thro
wing my fork down.

  “This is what we're talking about! You're completely irrational when it comes to that boy. You've become entirely too focused on him and less on other facets of your life.” My mom barked, sending me to my feet. “You have no idea what you're talking about. I love him. We are good together.”

  My dad's face turned a funny shade of purple. “Love him? You are seventeen years old! You don't know what love is!” Great, now my dad was getting mad. I was making this worse. My mom put a hand on my dad's arm. “This isn't love, Maggie May. This is obsession and it's not healthy. You are so worked up over a high school relationship that most likely won't last but a few months. Don't be so immature.” My mom said hurtfully. Wow, she was going for the jugular. I've never known her to be this harsh.

  “Thanks, mom. You're making me feel all warm and fuzzy here.” I crossed my arms over my chest. My mom put her hands in her lap and leveled her gaze at me. “I think you need to take a few steps back from this boy. Really look at what it's doing to you and how it's affecting your other relationships. I don't think this is good for you.”

  The funny thing about parental disapproval; it made me want to be with Clay all the more. My parents were really stupid when it came to teenage psychology. “I need to get out of here.” I ran out of the kitchen, making a beeline for my purse hanging up beside the door. My mother followed close on my heels. “Where do you think you're going?” She asked. The anger had faded from her eyes and now she just looked worried.

  I softened a bit and turned to give her a quick hug. “I know you and dad love me and just want what's best. But there has to come a point where you trust my judgment.” My mom rubbed her temples as though I were giving her a migraine.

  “I have always trusted your judgment, Maggie. Until now. He's changed you. I feel like you're pulling away from everything but Clayton. It scares me to see this kind of intensity from you.” I reached out and gave my mom another hug. She held me, stroking my hair.

  I didn't say anything, just let her hold me like she'd always done. After a moment, I stepped out of her embrace. “Please don't worry about me. I promise that I'm fine. You can't start blaming Clay for everything. He's an important part of my life now. I want you to be okay with that. You were okay with that.” I reminded her. My mom frowned. “That was before I realized how willing you were to throw our rules and everything else out the window for him. “

  “Don't you think you're over-reacting to the situation a bit?” I asked, hoping to reason with her. My mom shook her head. “I tried to be okay with your relationship. I knew your dad was unhappy with it, but I wanted to be supportive. But I know what was going on upstairs before we got home. I'm not stupid.” I flushed with embarrassment and my mother looked at me closely.

  “Your father had told you not to have him up there. You have never disrespected us or our rules before. But now...you're doing it all the time. Blowing off family dinners, ignoring your friends, defying your dad when he asks you to not have Clayton in your room when we're not at home. Things are getting out of hand and I just want you to take stock of what it is your jumping into.” I hated to see the tears in my mother's eyes, but knew I couldn't give her the kind of assurance she really wanted.

  “Please, mom. Just trust me. Try to give me the benefit of the doubt. You always have before.” I pleaded. My mom sighed and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, like she always did when I was little. “I'll try. For your sake. But just don't go making rash decisions that could impact the rest of your life. Teenage pregnancy is a very real thing.” I cringed. “Mom, seriously. Can we not talk about that right now?” My mom gave me her best stern expression. “Maggie May Young, I know that teenagers have sex. I've seen you with Clayton. I know sexual chemistry when I see it. Your dad and I had plenty of it when we first got together.” I made a gagging noise. “Yuck, mom. Are your trying to kill me here?”

  My mother rubbed my cheek with her finger. “Just don't do anything stupid and I will try and trust you. Just don't make me regret it.” Her words echoed ominously in my ears. Why did I feel a twinge of premonition at her words?

  I straightened my spine and gave her my best smile. “I won't. Now, I'm just going to go take a drive. Maybe stop by and see Daniel or something.” “Okay, but take your cell phone and don't be home any later than 9:30. It's a school night.” I grabbed my purse and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “I'll be home soon. Love you.”

  I hurried to my car and got in. After driving around for ten minutes listening to my angsty indie rock at full volume, I ended up where I should have figured I was headed; Clay's house.

  I knocked lightly on the door. I was startled when Clay's aunt Ruby swung it open. “Maggie!” She said brightly, pulling me into a lavender scented hug. She was dressed in her normal gypsy/hippie wardrobe, with a patch work sheer blouse with bell sleeves and a long, leaf patterned skirt that hung over her bare feet. Her bright red hair hung loose and her green eyes sparkled. She was one of the most sincerely kind people I had ever met, and I loved her for loving Clay so much.

  “Come in, honey.” She closed the door behind me and ushered me into the living room. Ruby's girlfriend, Lisa, sat at the computer, a pair of black glasses perched on her straight and severe nose. Lisa was what you would call “butch.” She had short black hair and dressed very masculine. She was a little intimidating if you didn't know her. But the smile she gave me as I came in transformed her face into something lovely.

  “We didn't know you were coming over, Maggie. Nice to see you.” Lisa's rough voice said. I smiled back and dropped my purse on the armchair. “I was just out for a drive and wanted to come and see Clay.” Ruby squeezed my shoulder. “Didn't he just leave your house an hour ago?” She teased. I laughed. “Yeah.” I said shyly.

  Lisa chuckled. “Ahh, young love. Remember what that was like, Ruby?” Ruby crossed the room and leaned down to give her girlfriend a loving kiss on the mouth. “I still do, Lis.” She murmured in her ear.

  They were so sweet together. Their love for one another apparent. Ruby straightened up. “Can I get you some tea? I've made some delicious raspberry wheat germ that is wonderful for cleansing your aura.” Lisa shook her head at me from behind Ruby's back. “No!” She mouthed, letting me know not to take Ruby up on the offer.

  I tried not to giggle. “Um, I'm fine Ruby. I think I'll just head up to Clay's room if that's okay.” Ruby waved her hand. “Go ahead. Just follow the depressing goth rock.” She laughed. I gave her another hug before going upstairs. I loved how laid back she and Lisa were. No stupid rules about girls in Clay's room and they sure as hell didn't care if we were in there with the door closed. It was nice to be treated like an adult.

  I could hear Thirty Seconds to Mars blaring from the room at the end of the hall. Clay listened to his music at an ear splitting volume. How he hadn't gone deaf was beyond me. I was eager to see him, make sure he was cool after the episode at my house. Mostly I just needed to kiss him and touch him.

  I pushed opened his bedroom door, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. The only light came from his dim table lamp. I could make out Clay over at his desk, his back to me.

  He had no idea I was standing there. Not that he could hear anything with the music reverberating around him. I could see he was hunched over, his head down. Looking around his room, it was so Clay. Stark, not revealing much about his personality. Basic gray walls and dark blue comforter on his bed. Television on an oak dresser. No photographs or knick knacks that would help someone know the person he was.

  But there, on the other side of the room, tucked away from everything else, was a little strip of wall above his desk that was literally covered with sheets of paper. I knew they showed different pictures Clay had drawn. Some in pencil, others in ink, some in charcoal. Depictions of animals, or random bridges. Some were things as small as a tiny flower, others were people he saw in town. Then there were the dozens he had drawn of me.

  I had been embarrassed the first time I had
seen a drawing he had done of my profile. Because there was no way I could ever be as beautiful as the way he had depicted me. Though, I couldn't help but feel flattered that he saw me that way.

  Each of those pictures were done in his passionate yet precise hand. They seemed to say more about who he was than any poster or piece of furniture ever could have. It was like he shoved everything that was him into that tiny space. As though he were scared to let too much out.

  I walked over to his stereo and turned the volume down. Clay jumped and quickly rolled down his sleeves. He looked over his shoulder, a strange look of panic on his face. “Mags! What are you doing here?” He struggled to make his voice even. I watched as he grabbed a tissue and dabbed at something. I frowned, instantly suspicious.

  “I just wanted to see you.” I was very aware of the fact that Clay hadn't made any move toward me, which was unusual. The first thing he typically did was hurry over to me and kiss me senseless. I was definitely getting the impression that I had interrupted something I wasn't supposed to see.

  “You just saw me an hour ago. You could have just called you know.” He said with a pseudo nonchalance. His following laugh was entirely too fake. “Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that I needed to make an appointment to see you.” I said blandly, moving toward him. Clay quickly got to his feet, closing the lid to a small wooden box on. “Am I interrupting?” I asked him, trying to look around him at his desk.

  Clay took hold of my wrist and pulled me over to the bed. “Of course not. I was just listening to music.” He seemed nervous, which made my suspicions go through the roof. He clumsily buttoned the sleeves of his cotton shirt, something he never did.

  What was he hiding?

  “Do you want me to go?” I asked him, not liking his attitude. Clay's expression changed and he looked at me with tenderness. “No, don't leave. I always want to see you.” He said softly, reaching over and putting his arms around me.