Find You in the Dark

by A. Meredith Walters

  “He loves you, and I think he probably listens to you more than anyone else. Ruby and I know how hard things are for him. We've tried to get him to see someone here in town. But he's stubborn. And Ruby and I are hesitant to step on any toes. It's not that we don't care, but the relationship between Clay and his parents and Ruby and her sister is extremely complicated.” She said sadly. Her words shocked me. I had no idea Ruby and Lisa had tried to intervene. Clay always made it out as though they were clueless.

  “Clay acted as though you and Ruby didn't know.” I said quietly. Lisa shook her head. “We know, Maggie. We see the cuts and the crazy mood swings. We hear him shattering things up in his room. Ruby is scared for him but she's even more scared to involve his parents. Because they still have full guardianship, Ruby has zero say in any treatment he has, even though he's living here. His father made sure of that.” Lisa spit out in disgust.

  “He's tough to be around, we get that. But he has been better since the two of you got together. So just love and support him the best you can. And, if you ever worry about what's going on with him, do not go to them.” Lisa's eyes darted in the direction of the kitchen in frustration. “Come to Ruby or I. We'll try to figure something out.”

  I smiled at her, though it didn't reach my eyes. I knew she was trying to be supportive but her words only made me feel cold inside. Because the truth was, his parents seemed to control everything. And, not for the first time, I felt even more alone.

  I made my way up to Clay's bedroom. My stomach was in knots. I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened the door. I didn't knock, I just walked in.

  Clay sat on his bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head hung down. His right hand was clenched in a tight fist. I sat beside him, hesitant to touch him. “You okay?” I asked, realizing how stupid the question was. Of course he wasn't okay. Nothing about his body language said he was all right. His hands were shaking and he slowly opened his tightened fist. “Here.” He rasped, dropping a razor blade in my hand.

  I trembled as I took the small piece of metal and quickly wrapped it in a piece of tissue before putting it in my pocket. I didn't say anything, scared that I would make everything worse for him. “I don't know if I can do this, Maggie. Not with them here. It makes me want to take that fucking razor blade across my skin, just to stop the way I feel in here!” Clay pulled at his tee shirt over his chest. His breath came in rapid pants and I knew he was struggling for control.

  I clasped my hands tightly together, trying to stop their shaking. “I can feel myself losing it! I can't hold it together knowing they can show up and walk into my house whenever they want! I wish I could just end all of this shit!” His voice rose in anguish and he started pulling at his hair. Then he started rocking, like he had that first night I found him freaking out after the bonfire. He made a horrible keening noise in the back of his throat. His tenuous hold on sanity was quickly slipping away.

  I grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to stop his incessant movements. “Stop it, Clay. Now!” I told him firmly. Clay shook his head. “No. You don't understand. I hate them! And what's worse is they make me hate myself! They remind me of every horrible and stupid thing I've ever done! They never waste an opportunity to shove the fact that I'm an embarrassment and a failure in my face!” He grit out, his words like knives.

  I snapped. He was scaring me. It was like he was giving up already. And I wouldn't allow that to happen. I grabbed his face and held it between my hands. I gave him a little shake. “Enough! You are giving them all of the power here! That's exactly what they want. They want to see you broken, a shell of a person. And you're playing right into there hands!” I hissed out.

  “But they have all the power. I have nothing.” He whispered and I could see him fragment. I gave him a gentle tap on the cheek. “How can you say that, Clay? You have Ruby and Lisa. You have me! You have my heart and soul inside you every second of every day.” I said, kissing him on the mouth, trying to vanquish the darkness that had taken a hold of him.

  His expression was shattered. “I don't deserve your heart, Maggie. I should never have drug you into this hell I live in. It's not fair to you. What kind of future can I give you when I don't know if I even have one?” He despaired, closing his eyes. I felt tears rise up and pour from my eyes as I took in his pain.

  “I love you, Clay. I love every single part of you. I need you to hold it together! Please! Do it for me if not for yourself.” I was playing dirty. Using his love for me as leverage.

  Clay's eyes pleaded with me. “I don't know if I can. I hate this lost feeling.” His voice shook. I gently rubbed his cheek, my fingers brushed his hair back from his face. “If you're feeling lost, well, I'll just have to find you.” I said with more conviction than I felt.

  Clay leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, our noses brushing against one another. “I can't do this without you.” He murmured. I closed my eyes at the raw yearning I heard. Was I enough to hold him together?

  “I'm here, Clay. Always.” I said as our lips found each other in a desperate need. As we tried to drown all of our fears in the feel of our mouths and the love we had for one another.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Things went from bad to worse. The arrival of Clay's parents created a ripple effect that encompassed everything. I was still grounded, so I wasn't able to be with Clay after school. And that's when he started disappearing. He would leave immediately after the last bell, often not even waiting for me after class like he usually did.

  We typically tried to spend a few moments together before I had to be sequestered at home. But he was bailing on me almost every day. I didn't know where he went or what he did. Not being able to keep an eye on him, particularly when things were so bad for him, was maddening. And I was hurt. Really hurt. I knew he was shutting me out. Hiding things from me. And when I questioned his behavior he became angry and defensive, refusing to speak to me.

  Clay's moods fluctuated like crazy. I asked him, on more than one occasion, if he was still taking his medication but he would simply ignore me, as though I hadn't asked anything. It was almost as if he were self- destructing on purpose. As though he was trying to give his parents a reason to lock him away.

  Is that what he wanted? Because he sure as hell was acting like it.

  When Clay showed up at my locker one morning a week after his parents had breezed into town, I noticed the fresh cut on his wrist. “What is this?” I hissed, grabbing his hand and pulled up his sleeve. Clay ripped his arm away from me and put his forehead against my locker over my head, leaning into my face.

  “It's nothing. Leave it alone.” He said in a low tone. The look in his eyes frightened me. He wasn't teasing. He was telling me to back off. “No.” I pushed, not letting him close me out. “I will tell Lisa and Ruby if you keep this up.” I threatened, holding my English book tight to my chest.

  Clay's face flushed and he reeled back as though I had struck him. He hit the metal beside my head, making me flinch. “Don't threaten me, Maggie. That's a stupid thing to do.” He hit the locker again and stormed off, leaving me shaken and confused.

  His behavior and mood were becoming more and more erratic. I felt any control I had over the situation fading every day. It was as though he was putting that wall back up, one angry brick at a time.

  And I couldn't find my way over it, under it, or through it. He was on one side and I was firmly on the other. Soon, Clay started ditching school earlier and earlier. At first it was leaving right before the end of the day.

  And that was just the beginning. I had asked him about leaving school and Clay had given me that angry look again and told me to stop acting like I was his mother. His words were like a knife to my gut. I had been unable to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. He was so short and terse with me all the time lately. I felt us drifting further and further apart.

  I hated crying and that's all I did anymore. I was one big pile of misery. And that misery had the name, Clayton Reed
.

  I seriously considered going to Ruby and Lisa. I wanted to tell them what was going on with Clay. I needed someone's help desperately. But what would they really be able to do? Lisa had made it clear that his parents held all of the cards. So I watched as he moved further away from me and I was powerless to stop it. My words meant nothing to him anymore. The fact that he hurt me every single day didn't matter.

  I was losing him. And it terrified me.

  After being completely ignored for several days, I finally lost it during lunch. I had yelled at Clay and then to my utter humiliation, I began to sob. Rachel and Daniel were frozen, completely paralyzed by my sudden crazy emotions. This was not the Maggie May Young they were accustomed to seeing.

  Clay had started off angry but when I had begun to cry it was like the flick of a light switch. Clay had softened, seeing how badly he had hurt me. He had hugged me and told me he loved me, apologizing for his attitude. I melted into his arms like I always did, desperate for things to be as they were.

  But they weren't. Not by a long shot. Clay was mad all the time and I had no idea how to help him. Eventually Clay stopped coming to lunch, leaving school around mid day. I didn't know where he went. He would never say. He would only tell me not to worry so much. But of course I worried. That's all I did anymore, was worry. And cry. Then worry some more.

  I had defied my parents' grounding after a few more days of this miserable existence. I decided to head to Clay's house after school. My heart sank when I saw his parents' car in the driveway. My palms started to sweat as I made my way to the front door.

  I knocked and waited. No one came to the door. I had knocked again. Finally Clay had answered. He looked like hell. There were dark circles under his eyes, his skin was pasty and his clothes were rumpled as though he had slept in them.

  What was worse, was he looked less than thrilled to see me. “What are you doing here?” He bit out, looking over his shoulder. I tried to peer behind him to see what had had him so skittish, but he blocked my path. “I was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you were alright.” I said softly. I tried to reach out and touch him but he moved away from me.

  “Well, I'm just fucking dandy. You can leave now.” He tried to close the door in my face but I stuck my foot out to stop it from shutting. “Clay. Stop shoving me away! How can you treat me like this after everything we've been through?” I pleaded, feeling those annoying tears slide down my face yet again.

  I saw a momentary crack in his cold facade. His eyes softened and I thought, just maybe, I had reached him. But he slammed the wall back down and his face hardened. “I'm tired of everyone's support.” He spat out, looking at me with disdain. “Stop worrying about me. I don't need your pity or your concern.”

  I opened my mouth to argue with him some more. I couldn't let him push me away like that. But then I saw Mrs. Reed come down the hallway. She came up behind Clay and put her hand on his shoulder. He tensed, as though waiting for a blow. “Aren't you going to ask your friend inside, Clayton? It's Marcia, isn't it?” She said condescendingly. She knew my name, she was just being a bitch.

  I didn't have a chance to correct her before Clay nudged my foot out of the door jam. “No, she's just leaving. In fact, I think we're done here.” He looked at me then and I couldn't swallow around the lump in my throat.

  He was done? Did that mean what I thought it meant? “Clay. What are you saying?” My voice had left me, all I could do was whisper as the pain lanced through my body. I hated that we were having this discussion with his evil, harpy of a mother two feet away. She watched us the whole time and I couldn't miss the malicious triumph on her face.

  “Just what I said, Maggie. I'm done. So don't come around here again!” He told me forcefully. Had he really just broken up with me? In front of his fucking mother? I got angry then. “You asshole!” I breathed, clenching my fists at my side.

  “Clay, it's time for dinner. Hurry up with Marcia so you can eat.” Mrs. Reed flashed me a cold smile and went back down the hallway. Clay glared at me. “You just couldn't leave well enough alone. Are you happy now?” He seethed. “Fuck you, Clay! I've done nothing but love you! But you really are a selfish prick. Screw my feelings, right? It's the Clayton Reed, self-destruct show. And you're right. We are done. I don't need any more of your abuse!” I turned on my heel and left, feeling like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest.

  The anger got me home but then it transformed into gut wrenching depression. Clay and I were over and I had no real idea why. The reality of what had happened sank in and I had cried myself to sleep.

  After that I became a shell of the person I used to be. I barely ate. I hardly slept. I never talked to my friends. I declined Rachel and Daniel's invitations to get together once my grounding was lifted. I half listened to their conversations at lunch time. I stopped waiting for them after school, instead choosing to get to my car as fast as possible so I could get home and lock myself in my room.

  “You are going to tell me what is going on with you and you are doing it now!” Rachel said angrily as she grabbed my arm as I tried to slink down the hallway, unnoticed, to my locker. It had been five days since I had gone to Clay's house. Five days since I had spoken to or seen him. I didn't even know if he had shown up to school. And I felt like living was becoming increasingly more difficult. How could someone endure this much pain and survive?

  “Nothing's going on.” I mumbled, trying to pull out of her grasp. “Yeah right! You've become the walking dead! So unless your brains have been eaten by zombies, something sure as hell is going on and you're going to spill it!” Daniel said from my other side. The two of them took me by my arms and half dragged me to the library.

  I heard the bell ring, signaling the end of lunch. I had eaten in the girl's bathroom, wanting to avoid this very conversation. I should have known they would find me. I couldn't even appreciate how much they cared about me. Because right then I was unable to think beyond the gaping hole in my chest.

  “We've got to get to class. We'll be late.” I argued feebly. Daniel drug me into the library, moving to the back of the stacks where we'd have some privacy. “Screw class. Our best friend is in full on melt down. That trumps geography any day.” Rachel replied, sitting me down in a chair and taking her place beside me.

  Daniel sat across the table and looked at me. “We know this has to do with Clay. He's MIA all the time now and you look like someone ran over your cat. Just tell me if I have to kick his ass. I've been wanting to for awhile anyway.” I closed my eyes and struggled to hold it all in.

  “We broke up.” I admitted, putting my head down on the table. “Aww, sweetheart. Why didn't you tell us?” Rachel asked soothingly, rubbing my back as I started to shake. I couldn't answer her, so they just let me try and get myself together. I couldn't cry, having no tears left. I sat there trying to breathe around the pain in my chest. Finally I calmed down. Sitting up, I took the tissue Rachel offered and blew my nose. “What happened?” Rachel asked, still rubbing my back in gentle circles.

  “He changed. We changed. He didn't want me in his business. There's not much else to say about it.” I answered cagily. I didn't want to get into the root of our relationship's problems. There were too many to list. “You're better off, Mags. Trust me. You don't need that shit.” Daniel said as he reached over to squeeze my hand. I pulled away. “You don't understand! I'm not better off! I miss him!”

  Rachel and Daniel were quiet a moment as I started to cry. So much for not having anymore tears. When would I be done with this crap? After a few minutes of enduring my misery, Rachel wiped my cheeks and snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Wake up, Maggie! He makes you miserable! Do not wallow over someone who you're better off without. Have more self resect than that!” She said sternly.

  Daniel nodded in agreement. “This is not the Maggie Young we know and love. I'm not sure who this whiny, pathetic chick is, but I kind of hate her.” Daniel quipped, raising his eyebrows at me. I sniffled a
nd blew my nose again. “I know you're right. But it's hard to ignore my feelings like that. I love him so much.” I lamented, feeling the beginnings of a headache.

  “Love? Really? I'm not sure if that's a love I'd want to have, Maggie.” Rachel commented, shoving the rest of her pack of tissues towards me. I didn't respond to her statement. I didn't want to try and justify the relationship I had had with Clay. Because it would only sound needy and sad and would only further her argument.

  But I needed to get myself together. I needed to try and move past the heartache. I had to try and forget about the fact that no matter how much I hurt, I knew deep down that Clay was in his own personal hell. I wanted to save him so badly and that was an instinct that was hard to turn off.

  “Come on, lets get to class. And after school, I'll come back to your house. I bet you I can get your parents to let up on this ridiculous grounding of yours.” Rachel said confidently. I gave her a wobbly smile. “Thanks, guys. You really are the best.” I said quietly, feeling absolutely no energy. I had cried it all out.

  So, I made the decision to let go of Clayton Reed. But, he had become so deeply entrenched in my heart and my life that removing him was like removing a limb. How do you try and forget about someone you had loved like the other part of you?

  It helped that I never saw Clay anymore. It was like he had disappeared. Or died.

  My parents had finally agreed to end my stupid grounding. It probably helped that the reason for my punishment was no longer in the picture. I knew Rachel had talked to my mom about what was going on between Clay and me. Because the frosty climate in my house thawed considerably.

  I tried to be happy with the renewal of the relationship I had with my parents. They stopped looking at me like I was a mutant that had taken over their precious daughter's body. And I really worked on overcoming the urge to curl up into a ball and stay that way. I forced myself to do my homework. I made myself go out with Rachel and Daniel after school, though I refused to step foot into Bubble's when Rachel suggested a banana split. Every time I drove by the place, I thought I would throw up.