by Eric Paguio
For JenniRae
Table of Contents
Front Lawn4
Last5
Rock6
Smile 8
Life9
Fail10
Push/Pull11
Which12
Grandmother13
Soulmate14
Ruby Red15
Eviscerator17
Untitled18
To the years have passed19
In Passing20
Arrow22
One way24
n.Either25
Rifle26
You28
Cold Pressed29
swept30
echelon31
End32
Walk33
Now35
One37
A Son38
Instilled a Place39
David40
Swept41
Queen of Spades44
Front Lawn
the soil has been tilled, filled, with rotten wood
the air is clear, even filled with cottonwood
sunshine lights their grins against the dark
the room is filled, with pieces of my heart
misplaced and broken, shining like a single star up in the sky
in the dark, it's the only thing that's caught my eye
against their wrists they hold pieces of glass
a mosaic of missing ribs, and questions to ask
she's
clawed to find, buried, underneath, the creases of silk
her belly grows big, breasts, full with sour milk
that stone turned to flesh that cannot roll, two arms, two legs, and a head with no place on the road
so, dig deep and, dirty those hands, to help it grow
everyone feels the pain of ripping chords
of having to give, let live, and let it go
and here we are, at the edge, its here to pass
what will happen now, will be over soon, and in the past
you'll know when it was over, long before it becomes the truth
we're counting on you to get what you're after
we're counting on you to be you
Last
In time, it going to be ok
If it's too much, stop, just stop, stop yourself
sometimes when we try too hard, that's what keeps it going
sometimes when we have nothing at all, that's what keeps us going
nowhere to go but up from here
greed is surpassed by needs when the time calls for it
wants and wishes are shadows to what you we have
and in time, your heart will stop beating if you let it
sometimes if you need it, breathe and respect it
when things are at their worst, it isn't time to give up
it isn't time to let go of what you know
of the things that you love
cause sometimes in anger,
sometimes in pain,
sometimes in frustration
we do what has been done to us over again
but we haven't truly been here
and we don't know of tomorrows wishes granted
or tomorrow's woes
but here, right now
I'm with you, and I'll make sure it's ok
cause all at once, time will stop for me,
and i haven't a second chance
it's the most important thing
nothing, is all i ask
everything all at once, at last.
Rock
its only just a memory
but can it serve you well,
cold and sweet, dear: heartbeat,
swell
can you remember me?
as bleak as the harvest well,
walled up - wall it up...
had enough?
tie tight to the scarecrow-
dear widow,
sit
in the middle,
overthrow,
protector, protect her...
right, by the window
...had to go
turn in your faith
resembled a place
you mark with a hidden smile
behind all, what you can call - your name
call your face,
all the while
astute in the angles of delivery
crowded over the sound
taken into and abide by the account
about our bodies
underground
reach to my hand,
i live even if i cannot breathe
lungs compressed,
wrapped in weeds
cough suppressed,
it pleases me
tell me it's you
oh, its you
colors: purple, black and specks of blue
the shape- who cares?
that
you're fingers of the tree; the root
i do.
tell me it's you
it's you
if there's only one,
recollect and suspect
oh, skeleton key, faint memory
metal and neat, dear: complete,
find it in you to find it in me
i've missed you
Smile
thank you for listening to me, for i am deaf
thank you for seeing me, for i am blind
thank you for holding my hand, for i have no fingers
thank you for loving me, for i have no heart
thank you, for doing the things you will always do,
even when i cannot
and knowing that we can
even though, there is no possible way
to untie
every string
tied in knots
because life finds its way into the dead
a sound will fill the silence
even when that is all that's left,
in a place where nothing can be said
a bird with a broken wing
a horse with a broken leg
wounds will heal them
and they will both find a place in the end
and this home, is our home
together we will make it stand
without blood, bone
nor sand
the river, where no stone can block
as water passes, under, over, and around the rock
the fire that will char the earth
will also warm the basement, the den, the hearth
the best is ours
where we make due at the end of the hour
where mannequins will keep us company
that remind us they are just like me.
Life
if all *life- - would wait
out of view in *depth, dimension
out of *turn
in *terms,
*accepted
say to me you'd wait
til the day is tomorrow
when the signs *re-ply - (resign, and say)
"ok, continue..."
is this what we've brought it to
in the place where we pull ourselves
inside out,
and beyond
what we've
been through
all the way to a place that isn't found
and
defined
by our eyes
this is how
we share our lives
present today,
come together
stand beside
compromise
this spec of dirt, oil found beneath the soil
it is tilled and wrought
muscles torn in turmoil
beg that burden begets the streng
th
of the last tenth of misery
sharpens your will
to pull from the trench(es)
(of) that past-tense
sink your teeth into the savory
(and through them speak apology)
compromise
stand be-side
come together
today
today
today
this is how
we share our lives
Fail
this stone
may it bleed a whisper
to say that it is alive
solid in and still
even shattered in pieces, it can never die
but no one to care
this board
may it tilt and dance in the wind
skipping the beat
giving in,
split and repeat
(may you) forgive her
but no one's there
a boat, capsized, survivor
swimming to the surface
on the shore, there is nevermore
a place of no existence
where children cannot be bore
but no one to listen
dreams live in the daylight
twilight drives the dust
and they swirl together
but everyone's had enough
a tiny ribbon in a man that made a difference
see how he doesn't make it
but no one's looking, no more
they'll read it over again, and the fire will burn sweet
turning thoughtful stacks into ashes
in a flash
swept to forget
how incomplete
no ones left to remember...
all these things as they change
not now, not ever the same
but just not yet
we've never been this way, never had this way
haven't seen this light or darkness or unimaginable thing that is indiscernible from what is wrong or true
alone,
we walk with you
no revival to enforce the way, as this hasn't been the way before
no words to say as they can't be said, haven't been said before.
but we make due
Push/Pull
if you try and pull a door open and it doesn't open..
why not try and push it open?
if things aren't working out and you can't work things out
why don't you just walk around
step away
do you know where do you stand?
are you sifting in the silt, carrying flowers beyond wilt,
at the end of your wit, where splintered wood is what makes it that broken home, your home, into what you've thought, what you bought, and what you've built
break it down
take it down
let it sink into the sand
because things take time and those grains of days and nights, are just like grains of rice, in your hand
are they even?
(and if they are) although they may suffocate
it was once what you fair
but death allows for rebirth, allows for re-make
but allowances can only bear
what you're allowed,
maybe for what you've lost,
maybe you can never retake
maybe you never had them, maybe you made a mistake
those sins never redeemed, or those repairs needed on those tattered seams when all you should do is find something else to wear
because the light that people shine, when their ideas burn bright produces far too much glare
its remarkably simple, how to turn truth on a spindle, where it applies to both sides
and both eyes can't see eye to eye
close them and then you will see that thoughts and emotions don't follow the laws of physics
that either, or, doesn't matter, because there is no matter (or doesn't, this isn't happening, it has to be this way...)
something or nothing, pushing and pulling, falling and ascending,
bonds aren't held with glue, nails, or rivets
in hopes, in your soul, and in dreams- there is no weight, and there is no space
there is no eye for an eye, no tooth for a tooth, there is no equal and no opposite reaction for actions
there is no road to travel that can measure in a mile,
to get to
where you are after
with a smile, (i mean, you must have seen this before)
maybe it's been a while, but,
(either way,) it all doesn't matter
Which
whose life will it be
have you held moments of clarity
as they are particles
articles, devoid of consistency
context and contours
can be made by the persistence we pass up
unto the shadows that leave
rumors of the glass tube,
in the deserted dust
a broken bulb should be hint,
enough.
into the street, and down the forgetful rows
blinded by metal stirrups
those legs, wide open
much more than a hiccup
far less than a rose
its the haze that favors tranquility
captivated by unsynchronized bouts at discovery
the truth
an end all
but theres no return
no rerun for the masses
the church to believe in,
only burns
tell those women to pack up
back to the men
that would forgive them both for living
and both for dying
to live a life in terror of choice
to say nothing, with a voice
are both
never simple.
Grandmother
my grandmother says:
if it was meant to be, then it is meant to be
nothing i do or say can change (it)
and that i'm hopeless against (it)
eternally damned to be complete (ed)
(as concrete as i am) there is no armor against you
no wall or barricade
no façade or tidal wave
to destroy, conceal or wash away
the truth
as things work out and don't work,
you are (searching) for me
and i am (searching) for you
yeah, actions-
speak louder
than words
and i am cursed where i (stand and )
can't stand but help and notice
the way
you move
unheard -
its silent to pull me
at as speed as instant
and infinite
as gravity
cause light speaks sight,
as the words, i may, i might
and goddamn it is what it is
or tomorrows another day, it could be
but my grandmamma
says
patience...
...
it is
it will
it shall be
right now, it is a pure informality
love and happiness
my greatest enemy
things are shaping up
i'm caving in
as cold as ice
i'm shaving thin
break me up
no matter what
(we will lose and we will win)
i close the door
that you'll just walk around,
let yourself in
Soulmate
Dear Soulmate,
I understand that you might not have enough time to read this since you must be busy challenging the world with a smile while holding hands with the fingerless, and having lighthearted conversations to the deaf about music. I wanted to leave this, even though I know that you would hear me anyways.
While you are caressing the thought of traveling to some distant location where you may happen upon the misadventure of beauty, I too hope that I may resemble it enough for you to remember and recognize me. Until then, may we make the time to have our perceptions become keen enough to see through the light.
Upon a dark path a flower grows and I know that I too will find you there. Find me there as well. Know that I would have always been searching for you. As it has always been I merely catch a glimpse of you in passing of passer-bys. I find you in the shoulders, feet, and elbows, in the hands before the eyes, and in the echo of a striding stranger before I recognize that I am still searching. In my youth it took much longer.
We may only be from a time yet to begin in this life and for that I ask, myself and you, do not change, do not remove us from this task. Remember that until that time I am still missing from you, and you are missing from me. Your heart may have been broken, your will indisposed, your last wish granted and the vile may have torn away your clothes, but do not conceal the love that is your soul.
I am the hand on your back on a crowded city street; just as lost as you. Even though, may I be the man that you imagine. I search within myself and find happiness, long before this life, but never before you.
As you write the same words and leave them for me, know that I have opened my heart beyond what it has been and may you find that light from whatever distance you are.
My star,
Me.
Ruby Red
she's "truly" (your's truly)
a ruby red sequin in a drop of blood
another pigment of the~dye~among the rough
diamonds last forever but does love
eternal vows become weathered
when you can't make enough
this is the ring of fire (water)
burns with flames (knots) that perspire