“I’m freaking you out, aren’t I?” he said, and I could tell he was wishing he hadn’t said so much to me.
“Um, a little. I…don’t know what this is, Branson. God just keeps telling me to hang out with you.”
“Does He now?” He laughed and ran his fingers through his sandy brown hair. “Because He told me to ask you for coffee.” We both shook our head with a teasing smile.
Should I tell this guy about my dad? About what was happening with Jacob? I felt strange talking about it. He would probably think my dad was a jerk. I didn’t really want that, but I did want to tell him more about myself.
“I have to tell you something,” I started to say. I brushed a leaf that was sticking out in front of my face.
“Okay.”
I can do this. “My dad is the pastor of my church.”
“Oh,” he said, and I could hear a revelation running through his mind.
“Yeah, and this…whatever this is between us he would royally freak out about. He always told me ‘Zoe, you are going to marry a godly virgin.’ I’ve never even dated a guy. Or kissed a guy for that matter.”
Branson just listened as we continued walking. The little girls were playing in the dirty leaves.
“Well, there’s a guy at my church named Jacob. He’s always liked me, and I think he’s a major creep. My dad told me that he heard God say that Jacob is the one I’m supposed to marry. He set us up on a date Friday that was why I couldn’t make our date,” I explained.
“So, you are supposed to marry this guy?” Branson asked, and I could read the disappointment on his face.
“No! I haven’t heard God say anything to me. My dad is pressuring me into it, and he says I’m in rebellion against God because I don’t want to court Jacob. I don’t know what to do. He’d completely disown me if he knew I was hanging out with a guy like you.”
“A guy like me?” Branson’s look got far away.
“A greasy grace Christian who had a sinful life.”
“I stopped doing all of that, Zoe. I’m living for Christ,” Branson said.
“It wouldn’t matter, Branson. My dad wants me to marry a virgin.” I was ranting. I knew I was, but I couldn’t help it. I had always thought I would marry a virgin too. A good, godly, cookie-cutter man. Or did I?
“What are you trying to say?” he asked, and I could see a lot of regret crossing his expression. I didn’t mean to rub his past in his face.
“I’m going to follow God’s voice. I don’t care what it takes.” A mom ran by pushing a stroller. I watched her go feeling distracted.
“Even if your dad disowns you?” he asked with surprise.
“Yes. Because, that’s what my dad taught me to do. Follow the voice of God. I’m not sure why God told my dad I was supposed to court Jacob, but I can’t, and I won’t,” I said.
After our walk, I headed home thinking about my rant to Branson. I hope I hadn’t scared him away permanently. It was going on four o’clock when I strolled into my parents’ house. My dad was sitting on the couch, and my mother was sitting across from him, and they were having what looked like a serious discussion.
“Zoe, good, you’re home. We need to talk,” my dad said in a non-discussion type of voice. Whenever he uses that tone I know not to disobey him. My mother stared at me with a look of disappointment.
“We went to the Whitmens today to discuss your courtship, and you told your mother you weren’t coming. Was that right?”
“Yes,” I said and crossed my arms across my chest. “Dad, you haven’t even given me a chance to really pray and ask God about this.” I hung my purse up and kicked off my shoes. I could feel my temper heating up.
“What is there to pray about? I heard the Lord, and sometimes He uses others to speak to our lives. Weren’t you listening to a thing I said earlier today?” My dad had that look of great frustration on his face. Crap.
“Dad…I…” I didn’t know what to say. I could feel the heat in the room, and I wasn’t sure how to put out this fire. I was going to get burned no matter what. I told Branson it didn’t matter what my parents wanted, and that I was going to follow that still small voice inside of me. But, right now as I stared at their disappointed faces I was breaking. Could I really court a man who had made porn for a living just over a year ago? I mean wasn’t that really, really stupid?
“I know you think that Jacob isn’t the one for you, but believe me, Zoe, he is your match. Pastor Mike came up to me after church today to talk to me about Jacob. He said he heard the Lord say you and he were to be married. How would Pastor Mike know that unless it was God?” my dad said. He turned toward my mother who was stacking coasters that were on the coffee table. She seemed oddly nervous.
“Because he’s friends with Jacob,” I let the words out before I could stop them. Ugh! Crap!
“Are you telling me you think Pastor Mike is making it up because he’s friends with Jacob?” My dad stood to his feet and pointed a finger at me.
“You have no respect for your leadership! Do you know what happened when the Israelites decided they were going to rise up against Moses and Aaron? The earth swallowed them up, Zoe! Do you want God’s wrath on your life for disobeying your leaders?” My dad’s face was turning as red as a tomato.
I had no choice here. It was either disobey my father and face his wrath, or disobey this urging in my heart. What did I do! I was torn. I felt the weight of fear ripple through my soul, and I turned my eyes up into my dad’s face, wincing as I did.
“You’re right, Dad, I’m sorry. I…” I looked at my mom for help. She was still playing with the coasters. “What do I need to do?” What was I doing! How could I face the wrath of God for disobeying? Wouldn’t I be struck dead or something for not listening?
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…I heard the Lord speak to my heart. I was under condemnation though. Right. Now.
“Good. You are going to start courting Jacob immediately. He’s coming over in a few minutes to talk to you about it. We will be right here while you two have private time together to talk about your future.”
I was going to puke. Yup. Puke. Puke.
“Okay,” I said weakly, and finally my mom stopped stacking those stupid coasters. She barely looked at me as she stood up and walked out of the room with my dad trailing behind her. I could hear them talking in the kitchen but couldn’t make out the words they were saying to each other. Jacob was coming over right now? I squirmed in my chair. A knock resounded on the door, and I gasped. My dad came back out and answered it with a smile.
“Jacob, come right in. Zoe is right over here.”
I felt like a condemned person waiting to die. Jacob’s dark hair was gelled back, and he was wearing a suit. A stupid suit. Like what in the world. He came over to me with a grin. I threw up a little bit in my mouth.
“Hi, Zoe. I’m so excited for this new adventure with you.” He sat across from me, and my parents left the room. They left me with greasy Jacob. This really sucked.
“Yeah.” That’s all I could manage to say to him without upchucking on his pretty boy suit.
“I think a wedding in May would be wonderful. What do you think?” His eyes glowed with excitement.
He was already planning our wedding! Hold the phone! This was not happening! I started to tell him off when I saw my dad hovering by the door. Wrath of God. That’s all I could think as I stared at this guy.
“Yeah,” I said and gulped away the lump in my throat. I felt fear go through me. I had to face this. This was my future. This man. This greasy man that I just didn’t like at all. Jacob then started rambling about his likes and dislikes, all about his job, his family, and just went on and on and on until I wanted to pound my head into a wall. I hardly said anything, and I really don’t think he noticed. After we’d had this huge one-sided conversation, he reached over and grabbed my hand. I squirmed instantly and bit my lip.
“I can’t wait until we can show each o
ther more…” Eww! I wanted to barf. The thought of seeing Jacob like that made me sick to my stomach. Wrath of God. Shoot! Ugh! I had to get through this. Jacob was it. He was the one I had to marry. Branson…I heard the voice clear as a bell. Branson is the one…not Jacob. Branson…
Did I just seriously hear God say that Branson was the one for me? Was I insane! Sure, I thought God was leading me that way, but He hadn’t outright said it to me yet. Now what did I do? I had my parents expecting me to perform the right way. To just marry this Christian guy who was perfect in every way in their eyes, and God was straight up telling me Branson was my husband! A porn maker! I was going crazy. This had to be the devil or something telling me Branson was my husband. Branson…is the one for you, Beloved, Branson. No. That was definitely God. I remembered that voice well. Dad had done a whole teaching about hearing the voice of God, and I had learned to tune into it. Why would God do this to me? Why would He speak to me to marry Branson when He knew what my parents would do if they found out! Jacob was rubbing my hand, and I barely noticed as my thoughts whirled in a craze.
“I’m really excited for this, Zoe. It’s going to be so awesome. I’ll see you tomorrow night then?”
“I work,” I said and frowned at him.
“After work then,” he said with a smile and stood up. My parents came in and said goodbye to him. I just sat there in a daze. I felt numb. I had no idea what I was going to do now. I headed toward my room without a word to my parents. I sat down on my bed and just stared out the window. This was going to be interesting.
Chapter 15
I stocked the shelves the next day trying to not think about Jacob meeting me after work. I got out at ten, so I had no idea why he wanted to hang out. I was going to be a zombie, and I didn’t know how I was going to ignore Jacob’s forward gestures. It was nine of course, but this time I didn’t want that hour to slip by. I wanted to just work and not think about the crap in my life. I felt so overwhelmed with it. The little bell above the door jingled, and I heard someone walk in. I kept stocking the shelf until the box was empty. I headed toward the counter to see who had walked in. I nearly ran into Branson.
“Hi, Zoe!” he said with a laugh catching me in his arms. He had Bree strapped to his back.
“Hi, Branson,” I said a little disheartened. I had managed to numb my mind to all that was going on.
“You okay?” he said noticing my sour expression. Bree was grabbing at the back of his hair and shaking a little rabbit that was attached to her hand.
“No,” I said not really wanting to beat around the bush about everything.
“I’m sorry, Branson, I can’t hang out with you.”
No! Zoe, no! I heard God say so loud that I jumped.
“Why?” he asked. He had such nice arms. My gosh, I was so horrible.
“I’m courting a guy,” I said. Zoe, Branson…is…yours. I had to ignore that voice. How could it be God? My dad and pastor Mike had confirmed my courtship with Jacob.
“Oh, you mean like dating him?” he asked warily. I nodded.
“Kind of, though courting is…more permanent. I’m going to marry him one day.” I inwardly winced at the thought of Jacob being my husband. Branson’s face crumpled slightly then he recovered.
“Oh,” he said. “Zoe, are you sure that’s God?” he asked, and I knew he was thinking about our conversation the other day.
“No. I haven’t heard God say he was my husband, but my dad and another pastor heard the Lord. My dad told me the story in the Old Testament how Korah and some people went against their leadership, and God opened up the earth and swallowed them. I really don’t want God to hate on me for disobeying them.” I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself. Why was I telling him this? He was going to think I was nuts.
“Zoe, God’s not mad at you. He…put all His wrath on Jesus at the cross.” Branson reached out and touched my arm.
“Branson, you don’t get it. My dad is a pastor. He knows the Bible better than anyone I know. If he heard God say Jacob was my husband then he is. I just can’t see it yet.” I frowned. I felt tears prick my eyes.
“You don’t even like this guy do you,” Branson said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“No.” I turned from him. “The milk is over there.” I pointed toward the aisle even though I knew he knew where it was now.
“Zoe,” he said and he walked toward me. He grabbed my hand, and I stiffened thinking about Jacob’s bold move.
“It doesn’t feel right.” He shifted Bree on his back.
“Why? Because you want to add me to your exes list? You want to make some nasty movie with me?” I spat at him, and I saw that my words hurt him. I had to get this guy to hate me, or I feared I’d never be able to handle courting Jacob.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. I’m not the same person, Zoe. I don’t do that anymore.” I could see that he was still battling with the words I’d so ruthlessly thrown at him. I was cruel. Bree started crying, and he pulled her out of her carrier. He cuddled the little girl to his chest and soothed her. I watched him and wanted to sob. His love for his kids was so strong.
“Bree Bree, Daddy’s not mad at you, baby girl. Daddy’s not mad at you. Let’s go get our milk. Okay?” he said very quietly and walked toward the milk aisle. I’d hurt him. Isn’t that what I’d wanted? For him to reject me so that courting Jacob would be much easier. This is the one. God! Why did He keep telling me that! I ground my back teeth together in frustration. Branson came back with his milk. Bree was playing with a cross necklace that dangled from his neck. I barely looked at him as I rang him up.
“Bye, Zoe,” he said, and I could hear the pain in his words. Bree waved at me with a drooly smile.
Ten o’clock rolled around, and I shut down the store. Jacob was waiting in the parking lot. Great. I approached him with despair. He got out of his car with a broad smile.
“Hi, Zoe-lowy.”
Just shoot me now.
“Hi, Jacob.”
“Do you want to go for a drive?”
Whatever. I nodded and climbed in the car with him. I felt like I was driving into the depths of a bottomless hole. I could feel myself falling and growing hopeless as Jacob chatted about random stuff.
“Zoe, are you listening to me? I asked you a question.” The radio quietly started playing a love song.
“What?” Shoot, I hadn’t been listening.
“I asked you how many children you wanted. I just want two. A boy and a girl. That’s it.” He tapped his hands against the steering wheel as the car took the curves.
“Two,” I repeated numbly. “I think I’d like four.” I’d like to have a baby with Branson. What was I thinking! I heard Jacob suck in a deep breath.
“Oh.” He stopped his annoying tapping and pulled the car to a halt. He turned to look at me.
“Zoe, you’re getting older. I don’t think you could handle four kids.” He looked me up and down. I wanted to slap him across the face. He put his hand on my chin and smiled.
“You’re so beautiful.”
Gag. Gag. Gag.
“Jacob, I’m tired. I want to go home,” I said stiffly and folded my arms across my chest.
“Okay, I can take you back to your car.” We headed back to my work, and I got out of his car as fast as I could. I’d had enough of Jacob for one night. He waved out the window.
“Bye, Zoe! I’ll see you tomorrow night!”
Wait, what? Tomorrow night? I thought back on all the courtships I’d seen. That’s right they would see each other every day. No! How was I going to breathe with Jacob staring at me like I was some sort of cherry pie. I climbed into my car mumbling to myself. Tell your parents…God whispered as I headed home.
“Tell them what!” I shouted out loud. Why didn’t God tell them about Branson! Why did I have to! I was just going to court stupid Jacob like they wanted. I didn’t want to deal with it. Tears suddenly
sprang to my eyes, and I couldn’t stop the torrent of emotions. I pulled over onto the side of the road and just started bawling like a baby. The feelings of being stuck, condemned, guilted, filled with fear, worry, stress, and all the crap I’d been going through for awhile now just spilled out. I started mumbling and praying for God to help me. “Please…I don’t know what to do…please..God.” Tell them. Did God know my parents? Didn’t He know what they would say!
“They will freak out!” I said and looked up at the ceiling of my car. “They will kick me out of the house. I can’t afford to live by myself, God, and if I move in with Branson they will disown me.” Tell them. I grit my teeth and blew out a hot breath.
“Fine,” I said and pulled back onto the road. I got home and headed inside to tell my parents that I wasn’t going to court Jacob. I got inside the door and lost all resolve. My dad was sitting there reading a book. It was called: Rebellious Kids and how to help them. My goodness did he think I was in rebellion? He heard me come in and looked up.
“Hi, Zoe, how was your ride with Jacob? Did you two have a nice time?” He attempted a smile. It was kind of demented looking on my dad’s face. My mom walked into the living room.
“It was fine,” I said. I just wanted to crawl under a rock. Tell them, Zoe. Tell them. Seriously? God wanted me to tell them right now? Was I ready for this? It was going to be a hurricane.
“Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something,” I started to say. I took in a deep breath to calm my nerves. Branson’s smile flashed before my eyes. I found my confidence from somewhere and said, “I’m courting someone else.” What did I just say? I wasn’t courting Branson! Ah! That was not what I meant to say! My dad’s face went into complete shock.
“Who?” he asked, and his voice got mean sounding. Really mean. I trembled in fear.
“Um, well, God told me who I was supposed to marry. His name is…” I hesitated way too long. My mother’s eyebrows flexed into a frown.
Grace Alive: a Christian Romance Page 9