MIDNIGHT CHOICES

by Eileen Wilks

  Ben paced restlessly, coming to a stop by the window. The grass out front was starting to turn green. It wouldn't be long before he had to drag a mower across it. He had a good lawn, thick and healthy. He ought to – he'd been tending it for years. Alone.

  He could have watched a chubby, diaper-clad Zach toddle across that lawn a couple of years ago … if he hadn't ended things with Gwen the way he had. If he hadn't been so blamed sure he was right.

  Ben sighed. Ever since Gwen turned up in his life again, he'd been mad – at her, at fate, at everything that had kept him from knowing his son for four years. But Duncan was right, damn him. Most of all, he was furious with himself.

  Had there been times he'd questioned his decision? He couldn't remember now. He'd put Gwen firmly out of his mind, as finished business. A mistake. He did remember that it hadn't been all about sex with them. She'd been so pretty and lively and feminine, and he'd felt good with her. Hopeful. When he'd realized how wealthy she was, he'd been hugely disappointed. It had seemed best to cut things off cleanly, since there was no chance of a future for them.

  He'd barely given a thought to the possibility of a child. Having made up his mind she was wrong for him, he'd decided there wouldn't be a child – as if God would agree she was wrong for him and withhold any sticky consequences.

  How could he have been so stupid?

  "I'll go get Zach," Gwen said quietly.

  "Hold on a minute." Ben rubbed the back of his neck. It was forever too late for him to see Zach as a newborn, as a toddler. But he might still be able to watch his son turning crooked somersaults on that grass this summer. If he didn't screw up again. He turned.

  There were probably things he hated worse than apologizing, but offhand he couldn't think of what they were. "I dumped on you for all the wrong reasons. I didn't mean most of what I said. I'm sorry."

  Her eyebrows lifted. "I'm tempted to ask which parts you did mean, but never mind. We've argued enough."

  Ben grimaced. "Do you suppose this will get easier?"

  "I don't think being a parent ever gets easy."

  "No, I mean … sharing the parenting. You're not used to it, and I'm too used to being in charge."

  "Well—" her smile flickered "—I guess as long as we can both talk things out when we disagree, there's hope. It's harder for people who don't know each other well, isn't it? A married couple grows used to negotiating their differences, hopefully before they have to do it as parents. Not to mention the fact that when things get rough, they can smooth out the edges in bed."

  He felt his body respond to the idea. It was past time he did something about his goal. "That can be arranged."

  Silence fell – brief, taut, complicated.

  Duncan broke it. "I'll get Zach."

  * * *

  Gwen watched Duncan leave. She wanted to grab him and make him stay – or run away herself. But that would be childish.

  "I wasn't offering you a quickie," Ben said. "That wasn't what I meant."

  Reluctantly she faced him. She wasn't sure what he had in mind. Or if she was ready to find out. "You have a real talent for saying things you don't mean."

  He grimaced. "Yeah. Lately that's been true. I guess I haven't known what I mean myself half the time." He started pacing, the random motion of a man unable to be still when his thoughts were unquiet.

  She knew the feeling.

  "I've been pretty shook up ever since I found out about Zach."

  She smiled tentatively. "I'm used to thinking I'm right most of the time, too. It took me a while to adjust to the idea I could be really, really wrong. I was wrong not to find you before now."

  "The fact is," he said heavily, "I blamed you. When you showed me Zach's picture, I blamed you for everything. For cheating me out of the first four years of his life."

  It was guilt she saw in his eyes now, not anger. "And you don't anymore?"

  "I can see how it seemed to you. I broke things off between us. I didn't contact you, which left you with the responsibility for everything – not just for having the baby, but for making sure I knew about your pregnancy, too. That wasn't right."

  Gwen's chest ached and she rubbed it absently. She admired Ben. He was so forthright, so responsible. She was beginning to like him again, too. But she didn't want him. What was wrong with her? "I should have let you know. I see that now. At the time…" She gave a short, pained laugh. "Maybe if I'd had your address, I would have listened to my conscience instead of my temper."

  His face darkened. "I gave it to you. You didn't have to pay a damned detective to find me."

  "I was furious when you gave me that little speech about our lifestyles not meshing. As soon as you left, I tore up your card. I trashed the flowers, too."

  "You're kidding. You were so cool and collected – I didn't think it mattered much to you."

  "I didn't know how to fight. I'm still not very good at it." She sighed and let her hand drop. "We do need to talk, Ben, but Duncan will be back any minute with Zach. Maybe we should save this for later."

  He waved dismissively. "He won't be back right away. He knows better. We don't have much time to talk when Zach isn't around – let's make use of what we've got."

  Nerves tightened her stomach. "What do you want to talk about?"

  "You've had a chance to check me out. I figure that's one reason you came here – you wanted to see how I'd work out as a father in an everyday way."

  Wary, she nodded.

  "So what do you think?"

  Was that all he needed to talk about? Relieved, she smiled warmly. "You're a wonderful father. You're patient and tolerant and you give him time and attention instead of presents."

  "If you hadn't given me a hint ahead of time," he admitted, "I probably would have bought out the toy store."

  That amused her, since her hint had consisted of an outright ban on expensive gifts. "But you've resisted the urge, and I'm sure that wasn't easy. If I'd set out to design a dad for Zach, I couldn't have come up with a model half as good as the real thing."

  "Good." His voice turned gruff with pleasure. He shoved his hands in his back pockets. "That's great. I'd do anything for him."

  "It shows."

  "I don't want to be a part-time father."

  There was a look in his eyes she didn't understand, except that it made her uneasy. "I sympathize with your feelings, truly. And I respect you for wanting to be a father all the time. But I've only been here five days. Let's not rush into any decisions so quickly."

  "I don't want to rush you, but dammit, you're only giving me two weeks. Gwen." He moved closer, stopping within arm's reach.

  All of a sudden she knew what the look in his eyes meant. Man-woman stuff. Sex, in a word.

  For some reason it panicked her. She changed the subject hastily. "When I found out I was pregnant, I was still mad – at you, at the whole blasted world. It seemed so unfair. But isn't that what adolescents always whine when life doesn't fall in with their plans? I had a lot of growing up to do."

  "You strike me as very much a grown-up." The look in his eyes agreed with his words.

  She smiled brightly. "Becoming a mom made a difference. Being diagnosed with cancer was another major kick in the maturity department."

  "You've had it rough. I wish I'd known."

  Was she supposed to feel guilty for not telling him about that, too? A spurt of annoyance almost made her ask what he thought he could have done if he had known. She bit it back. He meant well.

  "The thing is," he added sheepishly, "I'm great in a crisis, but I can be a little overbearing the rest of the time."

  That surprised a laugh out of her. Without thinking, she put a had on his arm. "I'm glad we talked. We've been avoiding that, haven't we? Maybe it will be easier now to share the parenting."

  His eyes darkened. "There's still your other idea for working off the rough edges, too."

  She jerked her had away. "Tell me you aren't suggesting we go to bed together in order to be better pare
nts."

  "No. Well, yes. I mean… Hell, I'm doing it again, aren't I."

  "You'd better find a way to say what you mean this time."

  "Okay." He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for something. "Marry me."

  * * *

  How many years had it been, Duncan wondered, since anyone had needed a pillow to sit at this dining-room table?

  He hadn't noticed anything lacking in his life before Zach showed up, but it had been a long time since he'd been around kids. It came as a surprise to realize he'd missed that.

  Just now, the kid was wired. Exhausted, but too wound up to know it yet. Zach had been chattering away nonstop ever since they'd sat down. Which was just as well, since no one else seemed to have much to say. Whatever had happened while Duncan lingered at Mrs. Bradshaw's, it didn't look as if the other two had settled anything.

  To be specific, Duncan thought – and I may as well be specific since I can't stop thinking about it – obviously Ben didn't take advantage of having Gwen to himself to take her to bed. He'd be looking pleased and relaxed then, not tense and determined.

  He chewed and swallowed and wished he weren't so damned relieved. It would be better if Gwen and his brother did have sex. Better for him, at least. Then he could start putting this … this whatever-it-was behind him.

  Zach had been rattling on about the fun he'd had with the twins. "So your new friends like to play army, too?" Duncan said to him.

  "Uh-huh." He stuck a heavily loaded fork into his mouth. "Carson an' James's mom—"

  "Swallow first, then talk," Gwen interrupted gently.

  Zach chewed industriously. It would take him a while, given the size of the mouthful he'd just shoveled in.

  "I need seconds," Ben said heartily. "I don't know how long it's been since I had stir-fry. This is great."

  Duncan hid a smile as he handed the bowl to his brother. The last time Ben had eaten stir-fry had probably been while their sister was living here, and Duncan would lay odds he'd complained about it. Ben liked his vegetables to know their place, not take over the whole plate.

  But Gwen wasn't a mere sister. And Ben had good reason to want to please her. Duncan's amusement faded.

  "Thank you," Gwen said, smiling one of her polite smiles. "Stir-fry is one of Zach's favorites. Of course, we're big on vegetables in my family, being in the produce business."

  An awkward silence fell. The Van Allens weren't in the produce business in any small way.

  "Zach especially likes the water chestnuts," Gwen added.

  Zach nodded and, at last, swallowed. "They crunch. I pertend they're bugs. Mom, I've been trying and trying to tell you. Carson an' James are gonna have a baby sister. That's why their mom is so fat. The baby is in her stomach. Is that weird or what?"

  Duncan grinned.

  "That's the way it works." Gwen's face took on something of her princess look, which meant she was uncomfortable. "Moms make babies in a special place in their stomachs."

  "But how did the baby get in there? I asked Carson an' James, but they didn't know. So I told 'em I'd ask you." He looked up at his mother in utter confidence.

  "Um…" She cleared her throat. "This really isn't a subject for the supper table."

  "Why not?"

  "Well, you remember what I told you about the difference between boys and girls?"

  "Sure. I got a penis an' girls got a 'gina." He thought about that. "You said not to talk about my penis when there's company."

  "Right." Her cheeks might have grown pinker, but she didn't fumble the ball. "It takes two people to make a baby, a man and a woman. The man starts the baby growing in the woman with his penis."

  Zach's eyes rounded. He looked down at his lap, amazement writ large on his small features.

  Duncan nearly choked, turning a laugh into a cough. Ben put his fork down. "It takes a grown man to start babies. Your body won't be able to do that until it goes through some changes, and that won't happen for years and years."

  "It changes?" Zach was still staring at his lap.

  Duncan grinned. What kind of bizarre transformations was Zach picturing that part of his body undergoing?

  "Tell you what," Gwen said. "Why don't you help your father with the dishes after supper, and you can ask him whatever you like then. Right now I think we should decide what we're going to do tomorrow."

  "I thought Zach might like to go into work with me," Ben said. "See the office, maybe visit a construction site. We've got earth-moving equipment at one site that's pretty neat to watch."

  Zach's face lit up.

  Gwen looked dubious. "Putting 'Zach' and 'heavy equipment' in the same sentence scares me."

  "I'll keep him with me every second."

  "You won't get much work done."

  "Mom, please?" Zach pleaded. "I'll be real, real good."

  Gwen and Ben exchanged a long glance, then Gwen nodded slowly.

  Duncan felt superfluous. They were the parents – he was just an uncle. "Why don't I do the dishes?" he asked, pushing back from the table. "You cooked and Ben worked most of the day. My turn to be useful."

  "You went to the store for me," Gwen protested. "Believe me, I considered that useful."

  Ben turned a frown on him. "I'll do the dishes. You've been favoring your arm."

  He tried to suppress the snap of temper. "I promise not to bench-press the dishwasher. Would it reassure you if I carried the plates in my left hand?"

  "I have to carry plates with both hands," Zach said. "Just in case."

  "You've got a point," Duncan said.

  * * *

  Duncan did the dishes. And, dammit, his arm did ache. But no worse than his leg, which was still sore from the cramp that morning.

  The cramp that had led to her walking in on him in his skivvies. And staring as if she'd never seen anything so delicious in her life.

  Rain washed the window over the sink, a quiet, liquid sound that irritated him. He wouldn't be able to run tonight. Not that he'd planned to. It just bugged him that he couldn't.

  Fact was, he was in a real pisser of a mood. He wouldn't hang around the others tonight, he decided as he closed the dishwasher and turned it on. Maybe he'd play pool, have a couple beers. He didn't need to expose the other two to his mood – or expose himself to whatever version of the mating dance they settled on.

  When he went to the living room to let them know he was going out, Ben was sitting on the floor with Zach. They were working on the new jigsaw puzzle. Duncan wanted to shake him. Gwen might as well have been in Florida still for all the attention Ben was paying her. Was that any way to beguile a woman?

  Then he looked at Gwen. Maybe Ben was going about things just right, after all. Her face was soft with happiness as she watched father and son playing together on the floor.

  Duncan took a deep breath. He couldn't compete with the man who was the father of her child. Since that man was his brother, he shouldn't want to compete. "I'm going to head over to Binton's, play some pool."

  Ben grinned crookedly. "I guess you'll take my head off if I tell you to drive carefully."

  "I might," Duncan said, but the corners of his mouth tugged up.

  "Say hello to Ella for me," Ben said, referring to Binton's owner. "Are she and Jeff still dating?"

  Gwen grinned. "According to Mrs. Bradshaw, Jeff is dating someone named Layla. If we're talking about the same Jeff, that is. An old friend of Duncan's?"

  "Mrs. B would know," Ben said dryly. He turned back to Duncan. "Speaking of Jeff, did I tell you he stopped by the office today?"

  "No." Duncan felt the muscles along his spine tense, resisting what was coming. He didn't think Jeff was interested in Ben's professional services. McClain Construction handled mostly commercial jobs these days. "Did he want you to recommend a residential contractor?"

  "He mentioned that," Ben said oh, so casually. "He also said he's been trying to talk you into joining the police force when your enlistment's up.

  "Yes. He has.
" Duncan turned away, his shoulders bunching with the effort to hold back his anger. He started for the door.

  "Hold on a minute." Ben's voice signaled that he'd stood and was following. "I hope you're considering it."

  "I haven't decided anything." He didn't turn or stop.

  "Don't you think it's time you did?" Ben demanded as he laid a heavy hand on Duncan's shoulder.

  "Back off, Ben." He shrugged off his brother's hand and grabbed his jacket from the coatrack.

  "I know you talked about being career army at one time, but that was before—"

  "Before I got shot up?" Duncan spun on the balls of his feet, his hands opening and closing. "Am I supposed to change my mind now that it looks like I can get hurt?"

  Ben leaned in closer, scowling. "You're supposed to show some sense."

  "Why bother? I've got you to tell me what to do."

  "Someone has to pound some sense into your thick skull! You've given the army ten years of your life. You don't have to prove anything, for God's sake. It's time to consider doing something else while you've still got enough working pieces left to do it with!"

  "What the hell makes you think I've got enough working pieces now?"

  Duncan saw the way his brother's face changed, fury chased out by alarm, followed fast by what looked damnably close to pity. Cursing, he flung open the front door, then slammed it shut behind him.

  Faint but clear, he heard Zach pipe up with, "Mom, my dad and my uncle Duncan yelled real loud."

  Duncan hesitated, caught between curiosity and a furious need to be somewhere else. Anywhere else.

  Gwen's voice was muffled by the door. "I noticed, that."

  "Why?"

  Her next words came through crisp and clear. "Because they're mad at each other. Sometimes when grown men are mad, they yell and stomp their feet just like little boys do."

  A second ago he would have sworn he didn't have a smile in him, but his mouth crooked up as he took the steps down from the porch in a single leap and headed for the driveway.