A Beautiful Sin

by Terri E. Laine

  My leave wasn’t up even though I’d made my way back to the city. I had many tasks to perform. One of which was finding Haven. She hadn’t returned my calls and I had no idea where she lived. I sought out her aunt, only to learn of the horror that had transpired at the church in my absence.

  It was a good thing Kent was behind bars or I would have joined him. The idea that he’d laid a hand on Haven and I hadn’t been there sickened me. It was further proof that she meant more to me than a friend. I would have sullied my name in the face of God to give the man the justice he deserved and couldn’t be found in a courtroom.

  I should have been worried about my thoughts. But I was human. And Kent was a monster who needed putting down.

  “Father Canaan, it’s lovely to see you.”

  Kathy ushered me into her apartment. When I’d called her, she’d invited me over.

  “Is Haven okay?”

  The woman looked over the moon when she smiled. “That lovely girl. I don’t deserve her kindness. She set me up here.” She opened her arms to encompass the room. “And after all she endured under my watch. How I let her down.” She shook her head. “She’s certainly Heaven-sent.”

  There was no denying she was my angel of mercy. She’d shown me light where there had only been darkness before. But I needed to know about her physical wellness not her mental well-being.

  “Has she healed?” I pointed to my cheek.

  Her eyes opened in realization. “Oh, well, she’s doing fine with Kent having to face assault and abuse charges. Besides, she’s back in New York.”

  The words clouded my hearing. My breath caught in my throat as I dislodged my next words. “Is she coming back?” I choked out.

  She put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

  I wiped my brow. “I’m fine. I just worry about her.”

  “You are a good man and a dedicated priest. She’ll be back soon. I’ll give you a call when she comes in town again.”

  Although I didn’t see myself as a priest, in the eyes of the church, I was. I managed to hide my distress that she’d most likely returned to New York when she said that she’d be back. I said parting prayers with Haven’s aunt, and I did them for her, not for me. God would understand and bless my words. I believed that with all my heart. I left with many more things I needed to accomplish.

  In the days to come, I met with the bishop. After, my next stop was to see Bill.

  “You’re back early.”

  “Not exactly,” I began.

  Bill deserved the truth as it related to me. I told him that I was leaving the parish as a priest and shared my experience with Father O’Brien. There may be others that had been harmed by his hand. I needed Bill not to have any doubts about anyone who came forward.

  “Thank you for telling me. I felt that something was troubling you. I’m sorry to hear that one of our own was responsible for these horrors. I never thought something that happened at other parishes would happen here. How could I have been so blind?”

  He didn’t say that he wished he’d known sooner so he could’ve stopped it. That was a burden I would have to live with myself. I didn’t tell him about Haven. That was her secret to share.

  When I put on the robes for the next few weeks until my replacement arrived, I didn’t feel like an imposter. My faith was renewed. God had plans for me, just not in the ways I’d always assumed. I would continue to serve him, just in a different way once my duties were done.

  In some poetic justice, my torment as a child earned me a quick settlement from the church. I hadn’t asked for one, but apparently Father Cernak had applied for restitution on my behalf along with the few others who had come forward. The archdiocese, not wanting a scandal, made quick work to offer up money to keep a lid on what took place in our parish.

  I wouldn’t have accepted it if not that I had nothing to live on. I would be forced to move in a week or so. Tony thought I deserved the money. I wasn’t going to be rich, but I would have enough to begin again. I applied and got credit easier than I thought and used it to start my new life knowing money was on its way.

  The apartment was small but clean. I would have been fine with a studio, but I got a one bedroom instead. It was all I could afford. I made sure to get a comfy sofa for times when I would have a guest if Haven let our child come for a visit because I couldn’t hope for more.

  The next several days were a whirlwind. I checked off each item on my list. When the call finally came, I donned plain clothes—blue jeans and a shirt that was neither black nor white, but a light blue.

  I rang the bell, having no idea what I was going to say. When she opened the door, I moved in. “Mom.”

  “Canaan, it’s good to see you. We missed you on New Year’s.”

  “I’m sorry about that. Is Dad home?”

  She shook her head. “Not yet, but he will be home soon. I’m cooking dinner.”

  “Let me help.”

  The house looked much the same for as long as I could remember. It was always spotless.

  “I have to ask, you look different. Is there something going on?”

  She shifted the cutting board over to me and I began chopping vegetables on autopilot. “There is something I want to talk to you and Dad about.”

  “You’re scaring me.”

  “It’s not anything to be scared of.”

  When Dad arrived, I waited until after dinner was finished and the dishes cleaned and put away before I told them the truth. Even though I never thought what Father O’Brien had done to me would ever be revealed to them, I knew I owed them the totality of why I was leaving the priesthood behind. It hurt to see my mother wrecked over it. Even Dad shed a few tears.

  “It’s not all bad. I found Haven. She helped me and without her, I may have taken the secret to my grave.”

  I held back on the news about my impending fatherhood. Mom barely made it through my other truths. That joyous news I would share when I was sure about where I stood with Haven and our baby. My heart was lighter as I drove away, knowing my parents accepted what I had planned to do. I had never taken their love for granted, but having their support now meant the world to me. Deep inside was the knowledge that I was truly blessed.

  My heart beat with fear and anticipation when I knocked on the door.

  It was as if God’s light shone down on me when it opened and she stood there with a grand smile.

  “Canaan.”

  My name was but a whisper upon her lips.

  “Haven,” I said equally taken aback by the overwhelming feelings I’d held at bay for so long.

  There was so much to say, yet I was powerless against the urges that bubbled inside me. I reached out and cupped the back of her neck as I closed the distance between us. Her stunned lips gave way a second after I pressed my own to hers.

  One of us closed the door, but we both used touch to express our feelings. Clothes fell away like dust in a storm until we were bare. I acted on instinct as we stumbled into her room, me falling on top of her. She didn’t seem to mind as she used her parting legs to draw me closer. Somehow, I found myself inside her once again.

  Joy filled me as we made love for the second time. Each time I moved within her brought a stroke of pleasure that seared me all the way to my heart.

  This time I explored. I kissed and sucked her breast, which made her gasp.

  “Canaan,” she cried out as her insides fisted me like a vice.

  It was as if angels sang with every glorious thrust. The pleasure that had built up inside me for weeks with no release shot off like a cannon. I could say nothing as I found release for the second time in my life. I poured my love into her, knowing she was my beginning as much as my end. I was sure I left her overflowing. There would be no other woman for me but her, ever.

  As we lay side by side panting from exertion, Haven laughed. “Why did you come?” She laughed again, covering her eyes, and I was confused for a second. “That didn’t come out right.” Then she w
as full-out doubled over with laughter. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I came because…” I paused because she seemed to laugh harder if that were possible. I didn’t let that stop me from saying the next words. “I’m in love with you, Haven.”

  She stopped her giggling. Her face grew serious as she stared at me. “What?”

  “I’m in love with you.”

  Her eyes lost their smile. “Canaan, if this has anything to do with the baby…”

  “It has everything to do with you and our baby. But I was in love with you before I found out you were with child.”

  “But you can’t love me and the church. You’ve said that many times.”

  “And I meant it. But I don’t only love the church. My love is for you, our baby, and God. And I don’t have to be a priest to love Him. But I can’t be a priest when I love you more than any faith.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes and she covered her mouth.

  “Don’t cry, Haven. This is supposed to make you happy.”

  “What are you going to do? How will you live?” she yammered. Her eyes brightened. “You can stay with me. I have a three-bedroom apartment.”

  I shook my head. “What happened between us, however beautiful, didn’t happen the way it should have. I may be new to this, but I’m not ignorant. I need to court you. I need to prove to you that I’m worthy of your affections.”

  Her lips curved in a sly smile. “We’re in bed. We just had sex.” A second later, she added, “And he blushes. My God.”

  The word died on her tongue. “It’s okay. God is a forgiving God. We sinned. And it was a beautiful sin. But going forward, I will take you out on dates. And walk you to your door. I will leave chaste kisses on your cheeks until the day you agree to marry me.”

  “I’ll marry you,” she said.

  “I hope you will. But we aren’t there yet. I’ve never lived on my own. Never had a job that paid enough wages to support me. Never have I dated a woman…let alone one who made me the happiest man alive. But the day will come when you will wear my ring. And I will be worth the man you call husband. And our child will see me as a role model, not a charity case.”

  My phone rang and Macie’s name popped up. “Whatcha doin’ chica?”

  “Getting ready for my date,” I said.

  “Oooh. Where are you guys going tonight?”

  “No idea. He wouldn’t say. Our last date was to the aquarium, and he kept pulling me into all those dark little alcoves and sneaking kisses. And then he took me to the museum where he showed me all his favorite pieces of art. He loves art. It’s so weird, Mace. He loves literature too. He’s freakishly smart. And witty. It’s like there’s this super cool guy hidden inside of him who’s just now emerging.”

  “Hmm. Sounds exactly like someone I know.”

  “Oh, you think you’re funny,” I said.

  “Think about it, Have. You never got out much because of Kreep face. So what did you do? You read and studied and got super smart too. Just like Canaan. I can only imagine what your conversations are like.”

  “Mmmm.”

  “Oh, gawd. Spare me.”

  I busted out a laugh. “Okay, but I’ve got to finish getting ready. He’s taking me somewhere nice. So I have to apply a little makeup.”

  “Interesting. Okies, call me tomorrow.”

  I scurried around to finish up and the doorbell rang. It wasn’t possible to get used to looking at Canaan. And when he walked in, he grabbed me and kissed me like there would never be another day. But all his kisses had become that way. When I asked him about it, he only said that he would never take what we had together for granted, so I supposed it was his way of showing that.

  “You look gorgeous,” he said. But then he told me that when I had on flannel pants and a T-shirt.

  “So do you.”

  “Haven, men don’t look gorgeous.”

  “Says who?”

  His brows pulled together, like they did when he was thinking hard about something, and then his shoulder lifted as he said, “I don’t know.”

  “Exactly. I’m a woman and I know a gorgeous man when I see one. You are it.” I leaned in to kiss him again. I ran my fingers across the planes of his cheeks and watched his forest green eyes latch onto my own.

  “You make me want to stay in tonight.”

  My brows waggled. “Who said we had to go out?”

  He ran his finger from my ear to my shoulder. “I do. You know the rules. Besides, I have some things planned. It’s really cold out so you’ll need your heavy coat.” His eyes strayed to my feet and he frowned. “Can you wear boots or something? I don’t want you to get chilled.”

  “But they won’t go with my dress.”

  “But…”

  “Canaan, are we taking a car or walking?”

  “A car.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  He scratched his head, and then looked at my feet again. “You might fall on the ice.”

  “I’ll have you to hold on to. Let’s go.” I grabbed my coat and started to put it on, but he grabbed it and helped me. He was such a gentleman. Then he spun me around and buttoned it all the way to the top.

  “Do you have a scarf?”

  I went and dug one out of the closet. I already learned he was too protective so it was no use arguing with him. Handing the scarf to him, he wrapped it around my neck and off we went. A car was waiting for us right outside, and I laughed at him.

  “I didn’t even have time to feel the winter air.”

  “And that’s a good thing.”

  The drive to our destination was brief. It was a restaurant. An upscale one. I raised my brows and elbowed Canaan. “What’s up with this kind of fancy?”

  He didn’t respond but flashed me a smile I would’ve paid good money for. He gave his name to the hostess and we were led to a very private table in the back corner.

  Dinner was amazing, but what happened afterward was even better. When our dessert came, Canaan pulled a letter out of his suit coat pocket and slid it to me.

  “What’s this?”

  Grinning, he said, “Just read it.”

  So I did. And when I finished I couldn’t believe it.

  “Is this the real deal?”

  “It is. I start immediately.”

  It was a letter confirming his position as a professor at Loyola University. And he explained that the position he would be taking over was for another professor who had unfortunately fallen ill and was going to resign. They needed someone to come in immediately, and Canaan, with his Ph.D. in Theology, fit their requirements perfectly.

  “Do they know about you and me?”

  He nodded. “I was brutally honest and was surprised I got the position. But the dean who hired me said he thought my honesty was refreshing and also thought I could bring some new air into the program. I’m not so sure, but the youth of today don’t necessarily share the beliefs that I do, so I may have a tough job ahead of me.”

  “But you’re smiling.”

  “Oh, I love a good challenge when it comes to debating the presence of God.”

  “So what exactly will you be teaching?”

  He tapped his head and chuckled. “Ha, I forgot to tell you. The name of the class is Does God Exist.”

  “Hmm. Isn’t that something I may have mentioned to you in the past, about my thoughts?”

  “Oh, don’t worry. That’s one of the things on my list of To Dos With Haven.”

  I grabbed his wrist. “Your what?”

  “I’m making it my mission to change your mind about your thinking. But not tonight. I have something else in mind.”

  My hand was still holding his wrist, but he flipped his hand over and laced his fingers with mine. “Do you remember what I said when I came to visit you after you moved back here?”

  “That you loved me?”

  His mouth curled into a beautiful smile. “Well, that, but something else.”

  “That you wanted to marry me.”
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  “Yes, but that I wanted to court you. And I have.” A worried look gathered his brows. “I have, haven’t I?”

  “Yes, and it’s been amazing.”

  The worry lines disappeared. “So, I’ve been thinking. About us, a lot. And I’d like to ask you to become my wife. Will you honor me and become Mrs. Sullivan? We can’t marry in the Catholic Church, or I’ll have to speak to Bill or Father Tony about that. Once a priest, always a priest, so I’m sure we’ll have to marry in another church. If that’s okay. And I won’t be able to afford a—”

  “Canaan, I’ll marry you tomorrow at the court house.”

  His mouth opened and he practically recoiled at my words. “I…we…not get married in a church?”

  This was absolutely the wrong thing to say to a priest. “You’re right. What about getting married in the Episcopal or Lutheran church and asking Bill or Father Tony to officiate the ceremony?”

  His stiffened posture relaxed and he smiled. Nodding, he said, “I think that would be very nice. A merging of the two. Blessed by the priests and in a church. And you would be okay with this?”

  “It would be perfect. Did you have a date in mind?”

  “Any time before the baby arrives would be great for me, but the sooner the better. You?”

  I giggled like a schoolgirl. “Tomorrow?”

  “Oh, I nearly forgot.” He reached into his pocket. “I’m still learning.” He placed a small black box on the table. “If you don’t like it, you can exchange it for something else.”

  Shock didn’t describe what I felt. Inside the box sat a ring. But not just any ring. It was a ruby surrounded by diamonds. And it was perfect.

  “It’s stunning.” I slipped it on my finger and it sparkled by the light of the candle.

  “I chose the ruby because of how we are connected. In a way, our blood was mingled before we even knew it. Maybe it was a sign we were meant to be together. God does work in mysterious ways.”