Luciana: Braving the Deep

by Erin Teagan

  Feeling sick, I got off the bike, and stumbled to the table.

  “Are you okay?” Pete asked, helping me sit down. But I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart seemed to be beating faster and faster every second. Was I going to suffocate down here?

  “Heart attack,” I said breathlessly.

  “Does your chest hurt?” Sarah asked, and I shook my head. “Are you asthmatic?”

  I shook my head again then tried putting my head between my knees, but there wasn’t enough room and there wasn’t enough air, and I tried pacing but Sarah and Pete made me sit back down.

  I heard Marcus in mission control speaking through the computer speakers. Did he hear from my family?

  My heart. Too fast. I heard them talking about medical emergencies and that was exactly what I was having. An emergency. Or were they talking about Izzy?

  And I knew one thing: I had to get out of Cetus.

  Sarah kept telling me I wasn’t going to die, that I would be okay, that I just needed to get my breathing under control before we could swim to the surface.

  “Count with me,” she said. “Concentrate on breathing in and out. Slowly. One … two …”

  But it wasn’t working, and I was still suffocating, my heart racing, and how long until it just gave out?

  And then through the computer speaker, I heard a voice. “Luci? This is Claire from mission control.”

  The last person I wanted to hear from. My face flushed with heat knowing that the rest of the Cetus team was watching my emergency crisis streaming on the giant computer monitors in mission control.

  “Believe me, I know exactly what you’re going through,” Claire said.

  I saw Ella cross her arms on the other side of the table and I knew she was thinking the same thing as I was: How could Claire know what I was going through?

  “Your heart is beating double time,” Claire continued. “You can’t catch your breath and you feel like you’re going to die, right?”

  I nodded, though, because Claire was mostly right. Except I also felt an incredible urge to fling myself into the moon pool and paddle myself to the surface to get out of this place.

  Sarah brought the microphone from the communications desk to the table.

  “I know what that feels like and you’re going to be okay,” Claire said.

  Or not, I thought, because it wasn’t impossible for a kid to have a heart attack every once in a while, and Claire wasn’t the expert on everything.

  “Look around you. Tell me the first thing you see,” Claire said.

  I coughed, sucking in air, feeling a flutter of panic run up my back. What if there wasn’t enough oxygen for all of us on Cetus? What if—

  Sarah pushed the microphone to me. “Go on,” she urged. “What’s the first thing you see?”

  “This microphone,” I said.

  “What else?” Claire said through the speakers.

  “A table, I guess,” I said.

  “What can you hear?” she asked.

  My heartbeat was the loudest thing, pounding in my ears, but I wasn’t about to tell Claire that. I listened. “Like, a whirring sound.” Probably the refrigerator or maybe the air conditioner.

  “Reach out and touch the thing closest to you,” Claire said. “What does it feel like?”

  I touched the wall. “A little bit cold and hard.” This was ridiculous. A wave of nerves hit me again and I tried standing up, but Sarah made me sit back down.

  “What can you smell?” Claire went on.

  I sniffed impatiently. “Damp things. Like, moisture.”

  And then Claire started over from the beginning with the same questions until basically I had described the entire kitchen area with every imaginable detail.

  Around the third time she asked me what I could smell, I took a long sniff through my nose and realized all at once that I could breathe a little bit better and my heart didn’t sound so loud.

  “Uh …” I breathed in again. “Dinner, I think. Like a spicy, soupy, kind of smell.” My face was cooling a bit. “In fact, it’s pretty stinky in here.”

  Everyone laughed, even mission control.

  As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Claire’s trick worked and even after she stopped asking me questions, I went through the exercise again in my head. Sarah rubbed my back and even though my heartbeat had slowed to an almost normal rate and I didn’t feel like I was drowning as much, I was still left with an overall sick kind of feeling. Like when you know you failed a test or you forgot your homework at home or you figured out your dreams of being an astronaut were over.

  “I think you’re feeling a bit better, right?” Sarah said to me. Ella reached over the table and squeezed my hand.

  “Can I leave now?” I said quietly, blocking the microphone with my hand so only Sarah could hear. But I saw Ella react to my question, looking at Thomas.

  I’d never get to try the shrimp suctioned to its package. I’d never get to sign the logbook. But none of that mattered. Because what were the chances that a girl who couldn’t handle a few hours in an underwater habitat would be able to handle an eighteen-month mission to Mars anyway?

  If I had proven anything at this camp, it was that Luciana Vega didn’t have what it takes to be an astronaut after all.

  Sarah looked at me sadly. “Mission control,” she said into the microphone. “Please prepare the boat to retrieve a Cetus team member.”

  “Roger,” Marcus said.

  Sarah put her hand on my shoulder. “Take a little time to decide whether this is what you really want,” she said, getting up from the table.

  Suddenly, tears were pouring out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. Once again I felt like I could die but this time of humiliation for blubbering like a baby. It was like I had no control over anything anymore.

  Ella slid into the seat next to me, and Thomas ducked under the table and came out on my other side, both of them squeezing me into a hug, which only made me cry harder.

  “Don’t cry, Luci,” Ella whispered, leaning her head on my shoulder. “You’re probably still getting over what happened in the pool.”

  “That’s all I need,” I said. “To be claustrophobic or something.” Because I was pretty sure if you were claustrophobic, you could kiss a career as an astronaut good-bye.

  “Nah,” Thomas said. “As Buzz would say, you had a ‘freak-out.’ That’s all.”

  Pete was back at the counter, taking over dinner, rehydrating our shrimp packets and Chicken Fiesta surprises. “For the record, I don’t know a single astronaut who hasn’t felt scared or out of control at one point in his or her training,” he said.

  That was not what I expected him to say.

  “Astronauts are always pushing themselves to the limit,” Pete continued. “And they know that things will get tough and scary but they want it bad enough, so they work hard and brave through it.”

  He made it sound so easy to just “brave through it,” but what if you actually felt like you might die? I never wanted to feel that way again.

  “Getting water in my scuba mask still scares me,” Thomas said. “A lot.”

  “Yeah,” Ella said. “I don’t like that either.” She looked at me, her cheeks turning pink as if she was making a horrible confession. “And if you want to know the truth, I’m a little bit scared of heights.”

  I turned to Ella. “I didn’t think you were scared of anything.”

  “I hate high diving boards and don’t even get me started on Ferris wheels,” she said. “And when we got to the top of the pool that first time, I kind of freaked out. Even though I acted all brave on the outside.”

  Pete smiled at us, delivering five packets of shrimp cocktail and plates of butter lettuce leaves to the center of the table.

  “And sometimes you might encounter a fear you never knew you had, like sleeping in a habitat thirty feet below the ocean’s surface.” He nudged me, offering a packet of shrimp first.

  I hesitated. I didn’t earn this rite o
f passage. I didn’t deserve to eat what real astronauts eat.

  “Stay, Luci,” Ella said, patting my hand. “We’ll all be down here together.”

  “And if you feel scared again, we can help you,” Thomas said.

  But even just considering it made me feel a little nauseous and my heart ramped up automatically. I touched the table. Cool. Hard. Smooth.

  Just then we heard Marcus’s voice on the laptop speakers. “Cetus crew, the boat is ready for retrieval.”

  Sarah came back into the room and picked up the microphone. “Thank you, Marcus. Please stand by.” She turned to me. “Luci, they’re ready for us at the docks. Just say the word, and they’ll come get us.”

  I wanted to stay and help my team finish this mission. I really did, but what if I panicked again?

  I thought about what Pirate Pete said about how all astronauts felt out of control or scared at one point in their training. Ella and Thomas didn’t let their fears stop them from passing their skills tests and making their dives to Cetus. I guess when it came down to it, we were all a little bit scared. If I wanted to be an astronaut, if I wanted to go to Mars, I’d have to get used to being afraid. After all, like Sarah said on the beach that first night, dreams aren’t meant to come easy.

  “Maybe I’ll stay a bit longer,” I said.

  Sarah raised her eyebrows. “Maybe? Where’s the Luciana Vega I met at check-in?”

  I smiled. “She’s still here.” Wasn’t she? And would the old Luciana leave her teammates in the middle of a mission? “And she’s staying. Definitely.”

  Ella and Thomas squeezed me into a hug as Sarah told Marcus that the boat wouldn’t be needed.

  I heard cheers from my teammates all the way back on land in mission control.

  I had “braved through” the scariest moment of my life. It was one small step for the Cetus team, and one giant leap for Luciana Vega.

  It might not be pizza,” Thomas said, all five of us tucked in around the little Cetus table. “But the Chicken Fiesta is not bad.”

  “And these are the best lettuce leaves I’ve ever tasted,” Pete said, popping one into his mouth. “Good job, Luciana!”

  “Has anybody had one of these?” Ella asked, inspecting the orange-ish shrimp on her fork. “It’s slippery.” She frowned and sniffed. “And smells a little fishy.”

  Sarah laughed. “First person to down a shrimp gets their fruit cobbler dessert à la mode.”

  Thomas looked up from his plate. “You have ice cream down here?”

  Pete nodded. “The dehydrated kind, which in my opinion is the best kind.”

  “Let’s each eat a shrimp at the same time,” I said. I wrapped mine in a lettuce leaf.

  “And share the ice cream,” Ella added.

  And then together Ella, Thomas, and I gulped down a shrimp and it wasn’t nearly as disgusting as we imagined. In fact, it was even tasty. And it was totally worth a cube of astronaut ice cream on top of our fruit cobblers.

  We were cleaning up the kitchen after our meal when a voice from mission control called to us through the laptop speakers.

  “Team Cetus, this is Buzz from mission control. We have a message from the front desk for Luci.”

  My heart stopped and I nearly dropped the plate I’d been washing into the sink.

  Sarah waved me over to the microphone. “This is Luci,” I said, my mouth dry.

  “I’ve been asked to pass a message along to you from Earth,” he said, and I knew he was trying to be funny about the Earth part, but I was in no mood for jokes.

  “Buzz. What’s the message?” I urged impatiently.

  “I don’t get it, but it says, ‘Hope you’re ready for some lucuma meringue cake when you get home. Love you. Enjoy your underwater adventure.’ Oh, wait the last part has an exclamation point so it’s more like, ‘Enjoy your underwater adventure!’” he yelled.

  I grinned. Lucuma cake was for celebrating in our family. It was our favorite and my mom had my abuelita’s recipe from Chile.

  “What does the message mean?” Thomas said, Ella standing next to me.

  “It means Izzy’s okay!” And for the second time that evening, I heard cheers from all around.

  Later that night when we got ready to climb into our bunks, Ella and Thomas let me have the bed that had its own porthole looking straight out into the deep. It was strange not seeing the stars at night and not hearing the lapping of the bay right outside the window, but it helped me to be able to look out the window whenever I felt a tingle of worry in my chest or a flutter of panic. It also helped to think of Izzy, recovering from surgery, safe in a bed. And, although I may never admit it to Claire, the thing that helped the most was the trick she taught me over the speaker from mission control.

  Before I fell asleep, I thought about Claire and I wondered where she learned her trick and why she would ever want to teach it to me. I was practically her enemy, wasn’t I? After all, I was down here and she wasn’t.

  And then I wondered if she felt like some of this was her fault. That the reason I had this freak-out was because of what she did in the pool. And I thought how maybe she’d be right about that.

  But then I realized that I was still down here because Claire had found a way to help me calm down. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be sleeping across from Ella here on Cetus—I’d be all alone in our bunk house, wishing things had turned out differently.

  But that didn’t mean I wasn’t the first one into my wet suit in the morning and the first to open the hatch to the moon pool.

  “Someone’s ready to get back to land,” Pete said with a chuckle.

  Ella and Thomas took one last look at the habitat before joining me at the door.

  Just as I started descending the ladder to the moon pool, Sarah appeared overhead. “Wait! You forgot something.”

  “I did?” I was supposed to leave all my plant stuff on Cetus, and otherwise the few clothes I brought on board were already packed into the dry bags ready to go.

  She waved me out of the moon pool and when I climbed back into Cetus, I saw she was holding the logbook. “Everyone signs.”

  “Even me?” I said.

  “What do you mean, even you?” She poked me in the arm with a pen. “If anyone on board deserves the honor of signing the book, it’s you.”

  I felt my face get warm.

  “Just because astronauts are brave does not mean they are without fear. I hope you always remember that,” she said. “I’m proud of you, Luci.”

  She handed me the book. I felt a tingle up my spine as I flipped through the pages, each one covered with names and missions from the past. I blinked tears out of my eyes.

  Thomas and Ella had already signed their names:

  Ella Emerick, Fail Smart recipient

  Thomas Dowdy, College kid

  So, I signed my name big and in my very best handwriting:

  Luciana Vega, Future First Girl to Mars

  When we got back to shore, I dragged Ella with me to the hangar, beelining it for the video-chat station. My heart was thumping hard again because I wanted my parents to answer the phone so bad.

  And they did.

  “Mom!” I said. “How is she? Is she awake?”

  “Luci! How was your night on Cetus?”

  “Mom. How is Izzy doing?” I insisted, Ella scooching closer to me on the bench and waving to my parents.

  “She is doing as great as we’d hoped.” Mom was so close to the screen, and I wished she could pull me right through to the other side. “She’s sleeping right now, and they think the surgery went well.”

  Dad appeared in the screen. “The hard part will be to keep her in bed these next few days.” He smiled. “Oh, good morning, Ella. It’s so nice to see you.” He waved to her, moving his body just enough for me to get a glimpse of Isadora behind them. She was in a crib, with monitors and tubes all around, and her penguin sitting up in the corner near her feet.

  Ella grabbed my hand, because if I was being honest,
seeing Isadora like that, all still and full of tubes, was a little scary.

  “When will she wake up?” I asked. “How long will she have all those things attached to her?”

  Mom and Dad looked over their shoulder at her. “Not too long, sweetheart. Those are for monitoring, and she also has an IV to keep her hydrated.”

  “She’s still groggy from the anesthesia and is taking long naps. But we expect that to wear off soon enough,” Dad said.

  Ella smiled at me. “Just in time for you to see her when you get home.”

  “Two more days,” I said. “I can’t wait.”

  In a way, I couldn’t believe I was still here after what happened on Cetus. Just twelve hours ago, all I wanted was to get out of that habitat, call my parents, and tell them to come get me. I looked at Ella and I knew that if it wasn’t for her and Thomas—and even Claire—I probably would have.

  “So, tell us about Cetus. Was it amazing?” Dad said.

  But then the doctor walked in to check on Izzy and after we blew a thousand kisses to one another and they promised they’d call if there were any updates, we had to hang up.

  I turned to Ella. “Phew.” There was so much to tell my parents. How I got trapped in a storage room twenty feet underwater. How I thought I was dying of a heart attack on Cetus. How I thought my dream of being an astronaut was over.

  All of those stories could wait because in that moment, tired and drained from a successful mission to Cetus, I felt like anything was possible again.

  Ella went back to the cabin to change and shower and take a break. And even though we had omelets for breakfast on Cetus, the rehydrated kind with cheese and little bits of ham in it, I was famished.

  I went to the cafeteria, grabbed a snack, and brought it out to the bay, dragging a chair up to the sand and waited for our morning meeting with Sarah and Marcus.

  When I glanced to my right, I saw Claire sitting there, looking at the horses on the island across the water. She looked up and for a moment we made eye contact, but then I pretended I was super interested in the chunks of strawberry in my yogurt until she looked away again. I knew I should thank her for helping me last night, but I couldn’t get myself to say anything.