Another Way to Fall

by Brooke, Amanda

  ‘It has to be enough. There aren’t any other options.’

  Emma heard her mum stifle another sob. ‘OK,’ she said, the magnitude of her reply summed up in two innocent letters.

  ‘And it’s not like there aren’t good things in the real world too,’ continued Emma. ‘Ben loves me.’

  ‘And you love him too, don’t you?’ Meg replied and Emma sensed her mum smiling.

  Emma nodded even though her mum couldn’t see her. ‘Yes, I do,’ she said. ‘He makes me happy, he really does.’

  Meg stood up, still holding her daughter’s hand tightly. ‘Then I suppose if I can’t keep you safe, the least I can do is keep you happy. If you think he’s right for you and he won’t let you down then that’s good enough for me. You have my blessing.’

  ‘I’m glad you said that,’ began Emma as she thought back to her conversation with Ben earlier. He had said that he didn’t want to waste a moment with her and she was struggling through the nights on her own. There was an obvious solution. It was far too soon to think about Ben moving in, they hadn’t even slept together but in another lifetime they had just been married. ‘I want you two to get to know each other better and it’s his day off tomorrow. How about we have a family dinner here, just the three of us?’

  ‘That sounds lovely,’ agreed Meg. There was a pause as emotions were forced back with a hard swallow. ‘Anything you want, Emma. I’ll do anything you want.’

  ‘Then stop creeping around in the middle of the night trying to find a cure,’ Emma said. Her next words were so painful to speak out loud that they choked the breath out of her. ‘At some point you’re going to have to let me go, Mum.’

  The sound of her mum gulping for air was heart wrenching. ‘My heart’s breaking, Emma and I can’t bear the thought of losing you,’ Meg said in a barely audible whisper.

  ‘I don’t want to be responsible for destroying your life; I won’t have that as my legacy. Promise me that you’ll get through this when I’m gone. Promise me you’ll be OK, Mum.’

  The only indication that her mum agreed was the soft swish of her hair sweeping her shoulders as she nodded. ‘Ben isn’t the only one who loves you, Emma,’ Meg said, pulling her daughter towards her through the darkness and holding onto her for dear life. ‘I love you so much.’

  ‘And I love you, Mum. I always will. Always.’

  Emma could feel her mum trembling and as they clung onto each other she knew that Meg was doing what Emma had done earlier that day, savouring a precious moment, committing every minute detail to memory. She could only hope that it would bring her mum some comfort when Emma was no longer there to hold.

  Chapter 12

  It was hot, almost unbearably so and the shade of the lush palms that whispered to us in the sea breeze offered little respite. Dappled light played across our bodies as we lay intertwined, rocking gently in a hammock. A tall cocktail glass rested on my chest and I could feel the condensation dripping onto my body, the fleeting chill bringing delightful relief to the heat. I could feel the gentle rise and fall of Ben’s chest as his breathing slowed, a telltale sign that he was drifting off to sleep again. His body felt damp with sweet sweat.

  ‘Can you believe how beautiful this place is? Just look at that scenery,’ I said, peeking through the swaying palms at the cliffs that rose up steeply from the shoreline.

  Ben snored softly in response. I nudged him and he opened an eye to look at me. ‘Hmm, beautiful.’

  ‘You were the one who insisted on Hawaii, the least you can do is climb a volcano and take some pretty pictures.’

  He kissed my shoulder. ‘Where did that drink come from?’

  As I laughed, my glass jiggled and my grip tightened on it. ‘The waiter brought it to me while you were asleep. He thought I looked hot.’

  ‘You are hot,’ Ben assured me, leaving his lips hovering over my skin, which tingled with excitement.

  ‘You have to say that, I’m your wife,’ I told him. How could I feel anything but insignificant when surrounded by such perfect beauty, from the clear blue of the ocean to the gleam of the golden sands? How could I compare to the delicate shells scattered across the beach, each one a tiny work of art, intricately carved by nature with a lining that captured shimmering rainbows?

  ‘You’re beautiful,’ he insisted.

  ‘I can’t believe you just did that!’ cried Emma.

  Ben was laughing and didn’t look in the least bit remorseful. They were lying on Emma’s bed, relaxing after a surprisingly enjoyable dinner with her mum. Emma had her computer perched on her lap with Ben lying alongside her. It had been against Emma’s better judgement to let him watch as she typed and she was now paying for her misguided trust. He had pulled the laptop away from her and written the last line before Emma could stop him.

  ‘You are beautiful,’ he said. ‘I won’t have you thinking anything else, not in that world and not in this.’ His tone was surprisingly serious.

  Emma unconsciously pulled at the edges of her headband, which was wide enough to hide the latest war wound on her scalp. ‘OK, I won’t delete it as long as you step away from the laptop,’ she conceded.

  Ben dutifully shifted position on the bed. He was wearing his Hawaiian shirt but that hadn’t been his only contribution to the story Emma was writing. The whole day had been about bringing a little of their imaginary world to life. They had toyed with the idea of going to the beach but gale-force winds were never going to summon up images of a tropical island despite Ben’s best intentions. Emma had been willing to give it a go but Ben was still a little nervous about pushing her too far, he didn’t want the responsibility of another disastrous expedition. So as a compromise, he had bought a DVD of South Pacific, leis made from artificial flowers to wear around their necks and all the trappings for making cocktails. It had reminded Emma more of a cheesy hen night than a honeymoon but she couldn’t be happier. Simply having Ben with her was enough and she intended to keep him all night.

  ‘Is it safe to continue?’ Emma asked, raising an eyebrow. Ben was now facing Emma but he had remained close. He hooked his arm below her crossed legs and began to stroke the side of her thigh.

  ‘I’m ready.’

  ‘You’re beautiful too,’ I told him. ‘I don’t know how I got so lucky.’

  Ben didn’t respond and I guessed he was falling back to sleep. We’re married, I told myself and savoured the sense of satisfaction that thought gave me. I felt safe and, more importantly, complete. If I could bottle a moment it would be this one, it really couldn’t get any better than this.

  ‘I love you,’ Ben whispered and my perfect moment began to sparkle with its own rainbows.

  ‘And I love you,’ I said, almost choking with emotion.

  Ben leaned over me, kissing his way up my arm, across my chest, following the strap of my bikini before finally reaching the cocktail glass still perched on my chest, leaving me breathless. I groaned as he kissed my lips briefly before returning his attention to the glass. He gripped the straw between his teeth and then wrapped his lips around it as he started to drink, never taking his eyes off me.

  I held his gaze for the longest time, distracted by his beautiful brown eyes, exactly as he intended. The glass was practically empty by the time I realized what he was doing.

  ‘Hey, you drank it all,’ I cried, pushing him away. The hammock twisted in midair and then started to tip. I let go of the glass but not the hammock, clinging on for dear life. Ben wasn’t so quick. He was unceremoniously dumped onto the ground along with the remnants of my cocktail, landing on the sand with a thump. I heard the distinct crunch of shells. As I swayed back and forth in the hammock, his shocked face came in and out of view, his mouth open and a sprinkling of exotic fruit slices sliding down his body.

  ‘Did I really deserve that?’ Ben laughed as Emma finished reading her latest instalment.

  ‘Maybe you’ll think twice before you try to take over my writing again,’ Emma warned as she shut down the computer an
d pushed it to one side so that there were no barriers left between them.

  Ben took advantage of the empty space and slid over Emma’s lap, which was still warm from the heat of the laptop, before moving ever upwards until they were nose to nose. ‘I think we need to make another one of those perfect moments,’ he said, waiting until he was sure he had her complete attention. She held her breath. ‘I love you, Emma, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, more than I thought I possibly could.’

  The words made every nerve in her body tingle and she had to suppress a groan. She was about to tell him she loved him too but he cut off her words with a deep and lingering kiss. The kiss became more intense and they synchronized their movements until they were lying down, wrapped in each other’s arms. When the kiss ended, they were both breathless.

  ‘Are we going too fast?’ Ben asked between ragged breaths.

  ‘Yes,’ replied Emma with a half-laugh. ‘But I’m living my life at lightning speed so you’ll just have to keep up.’

  ‘But that doesn’t mean we have to rush everything,’ Ben replied. He kissed her nose, let his lips hover briefly over her mouth before moving down towards her neck as Emma groaned out loud this time.

  ‘Will you stay the night?’ she whispered.

  Ben continued to kiss her neck as he replied, ‘Yes.’

  ‘Will you stay every night?’ Ben stopped what he was doing and when he looked up, Emma didn’t know what to expect.

  His expression wasn’t the look of horror that she had feared, nor was there a hint of reluctance. He looked ready. ‘You want us to move in together?’

  ‘I’d have to talk it through with Mum and I know it’s not exactly an idyllic cottage in Wales, but it’s a way for us to spend more time together, if that’s what you want?’

  ‘It doesn’t have to be a cottage in Wales, just like it doesn’t have to be a Hawaiian beach. The best memories I could possibly make are when I close my eyes and kiss you,’ he said. ‘It doesn’t matter whether the wind is howling outside or we can hear the sound of waves crashing against the shore. Once I can feel your lips on mine, I’m home.’

  ‘Then close your eyes.’

  Emma slid her body on top of his and they both closed their eyes. Silently, they started to undress each other and when Ben kissed her bare flesh, she dug her fingers into the quilt cover and found warm silken sand.

  When Emma awoke she felt different and different for Emma usually meant something bad. She was still half asleep but she felt warm, too warm, and her body felt heavy. A rush of adrenalin coursed through her body and with a sudden gasp she was awake. She opened her eyes. The room was still in darkness and dawn a long way off but she glanced towards the lightless window anyway, willing the day to arrive and save her from this latest night terror. She drew her eyes away as the last remnants of sleep left her body. She tried to turn on her side but couldn’t move. More of her senses came to life, bringing with them alien smells and sounds. A long hiss of air almost made her jump and a fraction of a second later, almost made her laugh out loud.

  Ben continued to snore softly behind her as Emma began to relax.

  She looked at the clock. It was still early but she needed to take her medication. Her mum usually left a tray containing pills and a glass of water on her bedside cabinet for the morning but Meg had made herself scarce and Emma hadn’t seen her since she and Ben had disappeared into her bedroom after dinner the night before. She felt like a naughty teenager but at least her mum was treating her like an adult. And like an adult, Emma would have to take charge of her own medication.

  Slipping her legs from beneath the duvet, Emma eased herself out of bed without disturbing Ben. She went to stand up but the night had taken more out of her than she first realized and she felt dizzy. She let herself slip to the floor in a partially controlled fall. She was gasping but as quietly as she could so as not to wake Ben. If he saw her struggling, he might blame himself. He might be too afraid to touch her again. She thought of the night they had just shared and panic rose in her chest at the thought of losing it.

  She was sitting on the floor, her back against the bed and her eyes closed as her mind began to detach itself from her surroundings. She stretched out her hands to ground herself as the hallucination took over and her fingers wrapped around a tiny object lying in the shadows beneath her bed. She felt warm and the light beyond her closed eyelids grew in intensity. When she opened them, the aquamarine waters sparkled all the way to the horizon. She looked from the shoreline towards the impossibly steep hillside. Lush palms obscured the sleeping volcanoes but she knew they were there. She heard Ben behind her, still snoring. She turned towards him and the pre-dawn darkness returned with a blink of the eye.

  Emma slowed her breathing and was left with only tantalizing hints of where her seizure had taken her. She tasted coconut in her mouth and felt the gritty sand between her toes. She lifted her hand and when she opened it, there was no doubt in her mind where she had been. The iridescent rainbows captured within the shell burst into life as light flooded the room.

  ‘Emma? What are you doing down there?’ Ben had switched on the bedside lamp and was leaning over the bed, concern on his face.

  She lifted up the shell towards him. ‘I found this,’ she said. There was more awe in her voice than fear. It was only as she lifted it towards him that she noticed a rough yellow line running around the outer edge of the shell. It was the remnants of glue, yellowed with age. It was one of the shells that had fallen off the photo frame.

  ‘A souvenir from our honeymoon?’ Ben asked. He was rubbing sleep from his eyes and didn’t notice the look of disappointment on Emma’s face.

  ‘I wish.’ She tentatively rose to her feet and this time remained standing. Discarding the shell on the window sill, she headed for the door where there was a tray containing pills and water waiting for her on the other side. She picked it up and returned to the safety of her bed.

  ‘Did you sleep well?’ she asked as she took her medication.

  ‘Yes, I could get used to this,’ he said.

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘I’m not too sure how your mum’s going to feel about it, though,’ Ben added.

  ‘She’ll be fine.’ Emma was sure that if the day before had been anything to go by, her mum would enjoy Ben’s company almost as much as Emma.

  ‘Of course, we could always consider moving into my place.’

  Emma shook her head. ‘Would you mind if we didn’t?’ She knew there would be dark days to come and although Ben would do his best to help her through her treatment, there were going to be times when Emma would want her mum and besides, with a bedroom available above the bistro, she was sure she could persuade Louise to move in as Steven’s new lodger. She had it all planned and she didn’t think Steven would object, he was putting his heart and soul into the bistro and Emma suspected that it wasn’t the restaurant itself that held his affection. ‘It might be a good bargaining tool but I really don’t think Mum will need much persuading.’

  ‘I might make myself scarce when you broach that particular subject.’

  ‘Don’t go too far,’ Emma told him.

  ‘Never,’ he said. Ben lifted his hand and gently pushed back a lock of Emma’s hair, briefly sweeping his fingers across the patch of shaven scalp, her headscarf long since discarded. She was amazed at how relaxed she felt, confident that he wouldn’t recoil from her. Emma had bared her soul and Ben had seen her beauty, not her flaws.

  ‘Good, because I’m planning on spending the rest of my life with you.’

  Emma watched as thoughts of the future passed across Ben’s face like a dark cloud. He was aware that his fears had been exposed so blinked them away. He moved his hand slowly down her body until his palm came to rest on her stomach. ‘How about a honeymoon baby?’ he suggested.

  It was Emma’s turn to blink away the fears. The thought of immersing herself into a world where she would become a mother terrified her, not because she didn’t want to have c
hildren but because she so desperately did. Having a family hadn’t simply been part of the life she had once planned for herself, it had been fundamental to it. It was what everything else was meant to build towards. Her cancer had destroyed the foundations for that dream five years earlier and whilst her career had been the first casualty, the thing she grieved most was the probability, and now certainty, that she wouldn’t live long enough to have children and see them grow.

  ‘What is it?’ Ben was asking. He was about to move his hand away, sensing Emma’s reluctance, but she placed her hand over his.

  ‘It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m ready,’ she said, knowing that her choices in life were limited but her imaginary life was not, not unless she applied her own restrictions.

  ‘You’re sure?’ Ben asked, Emma’s uncertainty transferring to him.

  ‘I’m sure. Now, what time do you have to be at the bistro?’

  ‘Ten at the latest,’ Ben told her. ‘Do you want to come with me, spend another day at the office?’

  ‘I would love to but I have a hospital appointment later,’ Emma replied, pulling herself back into reality. She had one week left before her radiotherapy started and she had mixed emotions about the treatment that would not only take over her life but drain her of it too. She was more than ready for the fight but she was frightened too. If her tumour failed to respond, it would mark the beginning of the end and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that yet. There was still too much of life to experience. ‘And after that I might just have a lazy day,’ Emma told him. ‘I need to slow down a little.’

  ‘If I’m pushing you too hard, you will tell me, won’t you?’

  Emma kissed his nose. ‘I didn’t mean you,’ she scolded. ‘You’re the best medicine I could wish for. But it is going to take a while for me to build up to the next phase of our life together and I want to get it right.’

  ‘You will,’ Ben said. ‘I’ve seen the way you look after people. You’ll make an amazing mum.’