Son of Secrets

by N. J. Simmonds

  The baths were attended by the men in the morning and the women would follow suit in the afternoons, bathing in their dirty water. It was only the big-hipped, round-stomached bodies of women I saw there. The soft curves of their full bodies were not as enchanting as the sight I was witnessing right now. A woman’s body didn’t undulate with strength and power such as Zadkiel’s back did as he waded into the water. When the stream reached his waist, he used his tunic to scrub his face. It was as if I wasn’t there. I stood mesmerised, watching the blood wash off him and his skin slowly reappear like light through the darkness.

  ‘Go ahead and bathe,’ he said without turning around. ‘I won’t look.’

  I chose a spot that was partially hidden by a low hanging tree and peeled off my sticky clothes. The stream was cold at first but was also light relief from the relentless heat of the sun. I waited until the water reached my shoulders before rubbing my body clean. I kept my eyes on Zadkiel’s back to ensure he didn’t turn around, but he kept to his word. My hand moved beneath the water as I rubbed at the sweat and dust that had gathered under my arms. I continued to stare at the boy, the touch of my fingers on my skin feeling illicit as I rubbed my breasts and between my legs, all the while watching him bathe. The muscles of his back rippled like water as he moved, and I wondered what they would feel like beneath my own fingertips. Maybe I could be as perfect as him one day? Perhaps Zadkiel could help me after all?

  I rinsed out my tunic and beat it against a nearby rock to get it clean, turning the water around me a light shade of pink, and then hung it up to dry on a nearby branch.

  Zadkiel was rubbing his arms with oil now and scraping them clean with the strigil. I called out his name and he turned quickly, as if he’d forgotten I was there. I crouched down further into the water until it reached my neck, keeping my eyes focused on his as he waded toward me. I was afraid to glance down for fear of seeing his naked body beneath the clear waters. He too kept his eyes locked on mine.

  ‘Zadkiel, may I be so bold as to ask a favour of you?’

  He smiled and turned his head to the side, his eyes searching my face for clues.

  ‘Of course.’

  I slowly lifted my left hand out of the water and did something I had never done before—I held up my crippled fist to the sunlight like the Goddess Ceres holding up her torch before venturing into the underworld.

  ‘Will you heal me?’

  He stroked the gnarled, twisted roots of my fingers with his, and I shuddered at his light touch.

  ‘Arabella, you are already perfect. I don’t need to heal you.’

  ‘Please,’ I begged. He was my only hope. ‘I’ll do anything you want.’

  Then I did what I’d seen my mother do a hundred times before: I ran a finger down his neck, along his collarbone and down his strong, tanned arm. ‘I’ll do anything you want.’

  I heard his breath catch in his throat.

  ‘No, Arabella. You don’t need to do that.’

  ‘You don’t want me?’

  He didn’t have to answer; I could see that he did. His eyes were getting darker and his body tensed beneath my touch. He rubbed his thumb against my crippled fist again until his whole hand was caressing mine. I had never let anyone touch me there. Now I wanted him to touch every part of me.

  ‘If I heal you, will it make you happy?’ he asked.

  I nodded.

  He took my twisted limb in both hands and began to peel back my fingers one by one. Like the petals of a flower unfurling under the warm gaze of the sun, my hand opened and my fingers straightened in response to his touch. He stroked my palm with his, and as he caressed my hand, my entire body filled with something bright and powerful. He was giving me a strength I’d never felt before. I attempted to move my fingers and to my surprise they followed my command, stretching and moving as if they’d always been able. I held my left hand up and Zadkiel threaded his fingers through it, his hand the first that had ever held mine. I laughed, tears of joy streaming down my face.

  ‘You’re happy,’ he said. It wasn’t a question.

  ‘I am. Because of you. Thank you.’

  I reached for his other hand and held them both, and that is how we stayed for a long time—our fingers intertwined beneath the water, our bodies naked and our souls fusing together.

  ‘Do you know how special you are?’ I asked him.

  He shook his head and lowered it.

  ‘Zadkiel, look at me.’ His hands held mine tighter. ‘You have saved my life today and the lives of all those poor animals. You are a god. Everyone has been wrong about you. They shouldn’t fear you…they should worship you.’

  ‘I don’t believe in gods.’

  ‘Well, I believe in you.’ He gave me a faint flicker of a smile but still wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘Have you always had this power?’ I continued.

  ‘I always knew I was different,’ he replied with a sigh. ‘My mother would tell me that people wouldn’t understand, that they all feared the unknown, which was why we had to keep away from the townsfolk. I didn’t like crowds anyway; there were too many emotions. I am very susceptible to the feelings of others. It becomes overwhelming at times, so I keep away.’

  He stepped back but I moved closer, our bodies now inches apart and our hands beneath the water still clasped tightly to one another. I willed him to continue.

  ‘My childhood, after my mother left, was a lonely one. It was just me, the shepherd, and the goats. He taught me everything I needed to know about tending to them and milking. He was fast becoming blind with old age though, so during my twelfth summer he took me to the market to sell with him. People knew I was the lost boy, the one whose mother had abandoned him, but until that point all they’d done was pity me. There was no fear. Not yet. A few months after my first trip to the market, the shepherd died and I continued his business. I was sad to lose him, but I’d grown accustomed to loss. Four summers later, in my sixteenth year, I was at the market when one of the women I was tending to began to scream. I had no idea what I’d done wrong, and it took a lot to convince the crowd that had formed around us that I hadn’t touched her. Then they too began to stare at me in horror.

  ‘His eyes!’ one woman cried.

  ‘He’s a warlock like his mother!’ another shouted, pointing at me.

  ‘One by one, the market traders took one look at me, left their stalls, and rushed home. I was left alone with my urns of milk and my head full of questions.

  ‘That was the day everything changed.

  ‘When I got back to my cottage, I ran straight to the stream, sought the still, shallow waters, and looked at my reflection.’ He closed his eyes and sighed again. ‘Arabella, I wasn’t born with eyes this colour. They were hazel, maybe a little green in the sun, but not like this. When I saw they had turned a vibrant blue I immediately washed my face, but of course they stayed the same. I had no idea what was happening to me. I’d never seen anyone with eyes this colour—this unnaturally bright.’

  As he spoke, I stared into those magical eyes. I could see why the village folk had been scared. I was getting used to them now, but set against his dark hair and olive skin, they shone like stars. They were not of this world.

  ‘I think your eyes are exquisite,’ I said. Zadkiel had done more than heal my hand; he’d emboldened me. ‘So, then what happened?’

  ‘I was worried, of course. Word of my unnatural deformity spread quickly. Villagers invented stories about me being possessed by a demon, saying I would eat their babies and take over their souls. I was known as the “blue-eyed boy,” and no one dared buy milk from me at the market anymore. I had to sell it cheap to traders who had stalls outside of Fiesole. I grew angry, but there was nothing I could do but keep to myself. I didn’t want to risk the locals turning on me.

  ‘Then one night, while checking on the goats, I heard a growl outside of the hut and there stood three wolves as tall as my waist. They approached me slowly, their haunting yellow eyes trained on mine while they padded s
ilently closer. I was afraid, so I waved my hand at them to push them back—but instead of scaring them, I sent them flying through the air. All three of them. One landed on the branch of a tree, and the others fell from quite a height and limped off. I was stunned. I had no idea that I had such power. I was never the same after that. Since then, my eyes have looked like this and I’ve had certain…abilities. I don’t know why I’m different.’

  With his fingers still intertwined in mine, he placed his hands behind his back so I was pulled forward toward him. My heart began to quicken but in a pleasant way that was new to me. He looked at me, really looked at me, and smiled. It was like he knew what I was thinking, which only made my heart quicken faster. His lips were by my ear now, and his words came out like a breathless whisper.

  ‘It pained me to hear you call yourself useless, Arabella. To me, you are perfect. It’s me who’s the freak. I wish I could be normal.’

  I wanted him to feel normal. I wanted that more than I’d ever wanted anything before. I lifted my head and brushed my lips against his, feeling his chest freeze and his breaths mix with mine. He let go of my hands and placed his own on my naked waist, his eyes boring into mine, asking permission. I gave a small nod and slowly, so slowly, he ran his fingers up my body. His fingertips didn’t stop their fiery trail up my body until they reached my face, which he cupped in his cool hands. I stood as still as one of the marble statues in the bathhouse, my skin giving light shudders and my centre clenching in anticipation. He then lowered his beautiful face and softly pressed his lips against my own. A groan of pleasure escaped from somewhere deep inside me, the sound of hope that I had never dared bare. Then he kissed me again, harder this time, his fingers getting lost in my hair and his hard body pressing against mine. When I eventually pulled away I was struggling to breathe, my lungs desperate for air like the first time I saw him. I took a shuddering breath.

  ‘Now do you feel normal, Zadkiel?’

  He smiled, and I could have sworn that a bright white light emanated from every inch of his being.

  ‘No. I feel like a god.’

  IV.

  Zadkiel and I spent the afternoon together doing as lovers do. We held hands, and I insisted it was my healed hand that he grasped in his, afraid the miracle wouldn’t last. We talked about our childhoods and our dreams. We embraced, we ate, and most of all we laughed.

  ‘I’ve never kissed anyone before you,’ he said as we sucked on figs from his tree. I licked at the honey-like juice running down my hand, and he grinned as if he had never seen anyone eat fruit before.

  ‘You’re my first kiss, too, Zadkiel.’

  I thought back to how he’d touched me in the water, the way he’d known what would give me the greatest pleasure. He’d certainly not been acting like a man who had never seen a woman naked before, let alone a man who’d never been kissed. We’d stopped ourselves eventually—he said it wasn’t right to go any further no matter how much I pleaded with him. I knew these pleasures were only to be experienced by married couples, but I also knew that one day we’d be together forever.

  ‘I don’t believe I’m your first lover,’ I said. ‘You seemed to know exactly what would please me.’

  He bit into another fig and stared at me for an eternity. It was impossible to fathom what he was thinking.

  ‘There are things I have not yet told you about my abilities.’ I waited. ‘Along with healing and moving objects without touching them,’ he explained, ‘there is another skill I possess.’

  My stomach clenched in anticipation.

  ‘I’m able to sense your emotions,’ he said.

  I laid my hand on his and he picked it up and kissed it, making it sticky from the fig juice on his lips.

  ‘You know what I’m thinking?’ I asked.

  ‘No. It’s deeper than that. I can feel what you are feeling, the sensations you cannot even hide from yourself.’ I must have looked confused as he continued with earnest. ‘Like I mentioned before, as a child I sensed everyone’s emotions all the time. It was overwhelming and made for a very lonely life. I’ve known how you feel about me since the first day we met; I sensed you before I set eyes on you. What another feels, I experience tenfold.’

  I looked down at the ground, a red heat climbing up my chest and neck.

  ‘There’s no need to be embarrassed, Arabella. You are the first person I’ve met who’s seen me as more than a creature to fear. I initially sensed your apprehension and then your raging thirst, but once you sat down beside me, I felt something greater…something I hadn’t known since before I lost my mother. I realised you cared about me.’

  He pulled me onto his lap, and I laid my head on his shoulder as he stroked his hand up and down my arm.

  ‘Your emotions deepened when you returned this morning and, by the time we entered the stream, I knew you and I had been brought together. We are meant to be one.’

  He wrapped his arms around me and I kissed his sweet, sticky lips.

  ‘You think this is love?’ I asked.

  ‘If it is, then I believe in the gods after all. This is my heaven.’

  I grinned. This day had been cut out of our lives and placed far away from any existence I’d ever known, a gift that was just ours to enjoy. Reality could no longer touch us—and neither did any of my old woes matter. Zadkiel was normal, I was beautiful, and our world held no hardship nor troubles. Then my heart sunk, thinking of Tommaso and my mother and the promise I’d made to return with food.

  ‘I need to get back to my family,’ I said. ‘I’m meant to be at the market right now, and my mother will begin to fret. I shall return tomorrow.’

  Zadkiel kissed the back of my neck, and I sank deeper into his embrace. I didn’t want to leave; I could have stayed in that idyll forever. Had I been strong enough to stay, perhaps I would have avoided the horrors that awaited me.

  ‘Of course, family is everything,’ he said. ‘Please, let me fetch you the goat meat. Take some dried fruit and dried beans too. Please, I have more than I need.’

  He stood and pulled at a lilac rose in the shrub beside us. It smelled divine.

  ‘Here, this is for you. The rose is called Angel Face.’

  I clasped it in my two healthy hands and smelled it.

  ‘It’s a beautiful colour.’

  ‘Lilac roses signify love at first sight.’

  I blushed again, my heart racing with the knowledge that Zadkiel was experiencing the same emotions as I in that moment.

  ‘You saved my life today,’ I said.

  ‘And you, mine,’ he replied. ‘In aeternum te amabo.’

  • • • • •

  The sun was sinking fast, the sky a scarlet blanket torn with gold. My day had been filled with nothing but blood and brilliance. As I neared my house, I saw the wide-open door and Tommaso sitting on the doorstep playing in the dirt. He jumped up when he saw me and ran into my arms.

  ‘Did you buy a chicken?’ he squealed. ‘I’m hungry. Can I have an egg? Mamá said today we will have eggs!’

  It had been a struggle to carry the sacks of food over the wall, but the joy of being able to use both hands for the first time made the task a pleasure. Zadkiel had offered to help me, but I insisted he stay with the goats in case the wolves came back. I managed to arrive at the market just as the stallholders were packing up and, with all the food my new love had given me, I’d been able to spend my coins on other necessities.

  ‘Here,’ I said to my brother, strapping new sandals onto his dirty feet.

  ‘My first shoes!’ He hugged my leg and jumped from foot to foot. ‘Arabella! Look, your hand! How did you make it work again?’

  I scooped him up into my arms with ease, something I hadn’t been able to do since he was small, and then tickled his belly.

  ‘It was magic. I think the gods answered my prayers. But, Tommaso, please don’t tell Mamá about my hand. Please? I want it to be a surprise,’ I lied. I still hadn’t decided how I would explain the miracle to her, not
without mentioning Zadkiel. I refused to have my beautiful secret sullied by my mother.

  Tommaso nodded and scrambled out of my arms to sit back on the doorstep.

  ‘What’s that you’re playing with?’ I asked.

  He held up a small horse coarsely carved out of wood.

  ‘The soldier gave it to me.’

  The army was already passing through Fiesole?

  ‘When were the soldiers here?’ I asked.

  ‘Mamá invited some of them to the house. One went to the bedroom with her, but the one with yellow hair sat and waited with me and gave me this. I wanted to call it Pegasus, but it has no wings, so the soldier said he will make me another with wings and bring it tomorrow when he comes to visit you. Mamá told him that you had something he might want.’

  My skin exploded with a million goose bumps. How quickly I was reminded that my life was not the carefree paradise I’d tasted that morning.

  ‘Where is she now?’ I asked.

  ‘Sleeping. Arabella, I’m hungry!’ Tommaso pulled me toward the house. ‘What food do you have?’

  I ushered him inside and shut the door behind us, making sure to lower the bolt in place.

  ‘Have you eaten anything today?’

  ‘Just some bread the baker gave Mamá this morning. He was here, too. Then she was with her soldier friends all day and they were drinking wine, which they wouldn’t give me, so I went outside to play with my horse and wait for you.’

  In that moment, I hated my mother with every ounce of my being. I was also stricken with guilt and remorse. My time with Zadkiel meant my brother had gone hungry. I wanted to run straight back to my blue-eyed boy and get as far away from my mother as I could, but what would become of Tommaso if I left?

  I found her asleep in her room. An empty wine goblet sat beside her bed along with five copper coins. The tattered sheet barely covered her naked body. Her lips were stained berry red. She looked like a monster, a hungry desperate monster that wouldn’t stop until she’d consumed her young and dragged them down to hell with her. I returned to my brother and cooked some meat and vegetables for him before putting him to bed with a full stomach. Tomorrow I would return to Zadkiel and seek his council; he would know what to do.