Son of Secrets

by N. J. Simmonds

  ‘About three minutes.’

  ‘Right. I was nearly at the top when, through the mist, I could make out a blonde girl on the roof. She was standing on the ledge and there was a pair of hands pulling at her dress. I thought it was part of some show they’d put on at the restaurant. I couldn’t see her face; I wasn’t close enough.’

  Ella had dyed her hair lighter that day, which meant very few people had recognised her. She knew what was coming next and it pained her to listen to him—she’d never heard anyone retell the story. Up until now, she and Zac had been the only two people who’d seen what had really happened.

  ‘So, there I was in that glass lift climbing toward the world’s highest restaurant, wondering if I was drunker than I thought because there was a girl in a long, sparkly dress standing on the wall, looking like she wanted to jump. There were these hands trying to reach her, but no one was stopping her. Fireworks were already going off below me and, even from the lift, I could hear singing and laughing. Then the girl jumped. I was shouting, banging on the glass, and as I reached for my phone to call the police, I saw it.’

  Josh looked down at the large frame that Ella had placed on the bed.

  ‘Saw what?’ she said, her voice a faint croak.

  ‘Feathers. Huge bright white feathers hit the side of the lift and blocked my view. There was a lot of white, and then something shot past me. A pair of enormous wings beat through the fog and cleared it away long enough for me to see just how high up I was. The girl was falling through the air and this winged creature swooped down and caught her in his arms. As he came back up, his face full of panic and fear, he flew past me and I saw who it was. I saw Zac, and I saw you in his arms.’ He swallowed. ‘I thought you were dead, Ella. You tried to kill yourself, didn’t you?’

  She nodded. ‘He saved me.’

  ‘What is he?’

  She couldn’t say it. She’d never said the words out loud to anyone who didn’t already know.

  ‘Ella, what is he?’

  ‘An angel. He was an angel.’ She covered her face in her hands and sobbed. ‘But he doesn’t exist anymore.’

  He pulled her hands away. His eyes searched hers, waiting for her to say it was all a big joke, wanting to make sense of what he had seen. He looked like he was struggling to breathe. Ella placed her hand on his knee.

  ‘Josh? Are you OK?’

  ‘No. What you just said, it doesn’t make sense. Angels aren’t real.’

  ‘You saw him yourself.’

  ‘I don’t know what I saw. I was hoping you would tell me that it was, I don’t know. That he was…’

  ‘Josh, there’s no other explanation. Zac was an angel. I was only properly with him for about two weeks, if that, but he’d been in love with me for thousands of years during all my past lives. It was so intense; since the day I first saw him, things between us were really full-on. He was only meant to be on Earth to guide me—to bring me to you, actually—but I fell for him. Then he literally fell for me.’

  Josh rubbed his face.

  ‘Do you have any idea how fucked up this is?’

  She sniffed and laughed through her tears.

  ‘I know. It’s been three years since I lost him, and I’m still totally screwed up. I’m a mess.’

  ‘So…Zac told you we were meant to be together? Even though you were in love with each other?’

  ‘Yes. Which is even more fucked up.’

  ‘Very.’ Josh dried her face with his shirt sleeve. ‘Ella?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can handle this. How do you get your head around it all?’

  She shrugged.

  ‘I mean, think about it, what’s the point of us?’ he said. ‘How can I ever compete with an angel? How can I ever give you anything close to what he gave you?’

  She sidled up closer to him and placed her hand back on his knee.

  ‘There’s no competition, Josh. You are here; he’s not. You were always meant to be part of my life; he never was. He and I were forbidden to be together and…now he’s dead.’

  ‘I didn’t think angels could die. How do you know he’s dead?’

  ‘Because I watched him cut off his own wings.’

  ‘That’s…what? God, that’s insane. I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.’

  He placed his hand over hers and held it tight.

  ‘Are you OK, Josh? Do you want some water or…?’

  ‘No, I’m far from OK. I’m terrified.’

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘Of just how crazy I am about you.’

  Ella closed her eyes, her racing heart gradually slowing back down. The man she was meant to be with knew her darkest secret and still wanted her. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, grinning as his eyes widened in surprise.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said, laughing. ‘You’re totally crazy…but I’m not complaining.’

  She pushed him back on the bed and sat astride him, kissing his mouth and neck and cheeks. Her face was damp with tears and she could taste their saltiness as he kissed her back, his hands around her waist and on her behind, pulling her closer. Sod her no-man ban; this thing with Josh was meant to be. It was right. Everything from now on was going to go as planned.

  ‘Ella, stop. Just a minute. Stop.’

  She didn’t want to stop. She never wanted to stop. She reluctantly sat up, her legs still around his waist.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked, out of breath.

  ‘I have to go.’

  ‘Josh, the angel thing doesn’t have to change anything between us. We should still give it a try.’

  He smiled. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not running away. Quite the opposite. What time do the shops shut down in town?’

  ‘What? I promise souvenir shopping is not going to be as good as what I’m about to do.’

  ‘I’m serious. What time do the shops shut around here?’

  She wouldn’t blame him for running a mile—who would want to get involved with a girl who had a past like hers? Sebastian, Zac…she had a lot of baggage.

  ‘It’s Saturday, so they shut early, around two in the afternoon. What are you up to?’

  Josh kissed the tip of her nose. ‘Your birthday’s tomorrow, right?’

  She nodded.

  ‘And your family and friends are coming?’

  ‘Yes. You’ve just reminded me that I have to call my mum and check what time she arrives.’

  ‘Great, you do that. I’ll see you tomorrow then.’

  Ella jumped off him as he clambered off the bed.

  ‘Tomorrow? Where are you going?’

  He gave her a half smile and shook his head.

  ‘If I stay here, I’ll never leave, and I have to sort stuff out. It might take a while. I’ll see you in the morning.’

  ‘What are you sorting out?’ she called after him as he headed for her front door.

  ‘I’m cancelling everything, Ella. My whole life.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘I don’t want it anymore. You’re the one, and I’m going to stay here with you.’

  She grinned. Was this really happening? The Josh de Silva was declaring his undying love for her and throwing away his career and everything he cared about for her? She couldn’t let him do that.

  ‘Josh, wait! Don’t do anything drastic. Maybe we should discuss this first?’

  He stopped at the front door and turned to her. His face was glowing.

  ‘I know what I’m doing, Ella.’

  ‘Well aren’t you at least going to ask whether it’s OK with me?’ she said, although her heart was soaring.

  ‘I don’t need to,’ he replied with a wink. ‘It’s written in the stars, remember?’

  WHERE HAD JOSH gone? And what did all this mean?

  Ella perched on the edge of her bed, her head in her hands. She didn’t know if she should laugh, cry, or vomit. Her hangover was battling for attention against her sheer exhilaration and panic. />
  Josh had kissed her, and it wasn’t just a regular, normal kiss! And he knew about Zac! And he said he wanted to change his life for her!

  She ran to the bathroom and threw herself against the toilet, dry retching into the bowl. Oh God, this was too much. Tequila and destiny were not a great combination. Did all this mean she was finally back on her path? Or did it mean her life was one big, messy joke?

  She heaved three more times, drank some water straight from the tap, and then splashed her face with cold water.

  She stared at her grey reflection and then groaned, remembering that she had to call her mother. Great. That was the last thing she needed right now—but it was her birthday tomorrow, and she had to know what time everyone was arriving. Talking to Felicity was difficult at the best of times, so Ella reasoned that she may as well tackle the call before having a much-needed lie-down. Not that she had any idea where in the world her mother was.

  Felicity had gotten bored of the hotel renovation game within a year of buying the monastery and, although she’d been the one to throw all the money into the project, she’d spent the last year ‘finding herself.’ Which, as far as Ella was concerned, was a glorified way of running away from her problems.

  She scrolled through her mobile phone until she found her mother’s number, took a deep breath and waited for the connection.

  ‘Darling! Sweetheart!’

  Ella winced and held the phone away from her ear. Why did her mother’s voice have to be so comically shrill and dramatic?

  ‘Hey Mum, where are you?’

  ‘I’m still in India, darling.’

  ‘At the Ayurvedic resort? Aren’t you bored of brown rice and being teetotal?’

  Ella heard the slurp of a drink, and her mother gave an exaggerated sigh.

  ‘Oh no, it’s magical. I’ve completely gone back to nature. I feel like I’m finally finding myself. Darling, have I been a terrible mother the last few years? I’ve been contemplating on that—lots of meditation. I’ve been wretched, haven’t I? You do forgive me, don’t you sweetie?’

  Ella closed her eyes and willed her nausea to pass. She was too hungover for this shit.

  ‘For the millionth time, Mum, yes you’re forgiven. I was a stroppy teen and you were a selfish cow. We’ve gone over this. We’re starting afresh, remember?’

  ‘Namaste, my darling. I’ve finally found peace.’

  Ella laughed. ‘Well hallelujah, it’s been a long time coming. Can we get back to normal now please?’

  ‘I don’t understand, darling.’

  ‘Honestly, Mum! Since you buggered off last year and left me to deal with the hotel alone, you’ve been to every hippy dippy place there is. A meditation retreat in Thailand, past life transgression therapy in San Francisco, a yoga workshop in Bali, and that shamanic nonsense in some Californian mountain.’

  ‘Mount Shasta. It was very cleansing.’

  ‘Whatever.’ It was always like this, her mother making her sway between exasperation and laughter. ‘It’s nice to know you’re happy, Mum, even if you’re acting like someone half your age.’

  ‘Hmm, pardon?’

  Ella could hear the murmur of a male voice in the background as well as her mother’s muffled talking and tinkling laughter—as if she were covering up the mouthpiece.

  ‘Sorry, Ella. Yes, I’m happy.’

  That was definitely the sound of clinking ice cubes. She wasn’t entirely sure how much her mother had gone back to basics or how much ‘alone time’ her mother was getting, either. There was no time to get deep and personal with her now anyway. Josh was back, he knew about Zac, he loved her and…She was going to be sick again. She had to get off the phone and eat something.

  ‘Mum, what time are you getting here tomorrow?’

  ‘Our flight is early this evening, so we land around one in the afternoon—taking into account the stopover in Madrid.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘You said “we.”’

  ‘Oh, I meant us at the resort; we all leave together. Some of them are heading back to Spain, too. Yes, I meant us. The gang. My friends.’

  Ella sighed. Her mum was definitely up to something, but she didn’t have the strength to deal with it right now.

  ‘You’ve made friends? Doesn’t sound like you. OK, so you’ll make your way from Malaga Airport on your own? It’s just that I have to pick up Mai Li and Kerry from Gibraltar.’

  ‘It’s fine. Honestly, darling, don’t worry about us. I mean me. I’ll be there with bells on. My baby girl turns twenty-three tomorrow. My God! I feel positively ancient. I’ve bought you some beautiful silk scarves from the markets here, and the jewellery is just beautiful. You’ll love it.’

  Ella felt guilty for wanting to get off the phone; her mother was clearly trying. Things hadn’t been easy the last few years; Ella hadn’t been easy, to say the least. She sometimes forgot that her parents had witnessed Zac die too. That her father was struggling, having lost his role as angelic expert now that the Choir wouldn’t talk to him. Not to mention that he’d only just started to get to know his daughter and Felicity again after twenty years. Plus, her mother and Richard had broken up, something her mum was clearly dealing with in her own unique way. Everyone was battling their own issues, and it wasn’t as if Ella’s self-medication of drinking and sleeping around had done her any good either.

  ‘You going to manage dinner tomorrow, Mum? You have a seventeen-hour trip, and you’re going to be really tired.’

  ‘I can sleep on the plane, sweetheart. It’s your father I’m worried about. He’ll be exhausted.’

  Ella still found it weird that her mum and dad were friends now. Sometimes they even met up without her. Felicity hadn’t mentioned Leo for a while; in fact, Ella hadn’t heard from her father in ages either.

  ‘You’ve spoken to Papa? When? I’ve been trying to get ahold of him for days, but his phone is always off.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I spoke to him last week,’ Felicity said, sounding flustered. ‘He’s at a work function—a church thing, I think. He’s been working very hard, but I know he’s very excited about seeing you tomorrow.’

  Perhaps things would be easier now that she was back on her life path. Maybe things would straighten out between her parents too. Although, Richard had been her mother’s destiny and look what had happened there!

  ‘Mum…’ Ella hesitated and took a deep breath. ‘About you and Papa.’

  ‘There is no me and Leo, darling. He’s still a priest and I’m still legally married, for a bit longer at least. You and I have talked about this before. I’m not in a good place right now.’

  ‘I know, I know. I just wanted to ask you a question. It’s kind of relevant to something that’s happened lately. It’s about Zac.’

  ‘Zac? He’s not back, is he? Have you heard something?’

  ‘No! Nothing like that. It’s just that he once told me everyone has a soulmate, the one we always feel is missing from our life. Yet we also choose “the one” before we’re born, the one we’re meant to be with during a specific lifetime who enables us to fulfil our journey. We can go lifetimes without finding our soulmates; he told me they can reincarnate as a different person in each lifetime—maybe a friend or brother, or we simply have only a fleeting encounter with them. However, “the one” is the person who is part of each individual life path. The one we’re destined to fall in love with.’

  ‘That’s true, sweetheart. I learnt a lot about that when I had my regression therapy and found my spirit animal.’

  ‘Right, weird. Anyway, I just wanted to ask, who was Richard to you?’

  Silence. When her mother returned, her voice was a lot quieter.

  ‘Richard was “the one,” Ella. The man I was destined to love that would help my life progress. But sadly, he no longer has a role to play in my future.’

  Ella didn’t know what to say. She could hear her mother’s gentle breathing at the other end of the line. Waiting.


  ‘Mum, I’ve always wanted to know something,’ she said eventually. ‘That night, when you met Richard on my sixteenth birthday, what did you say to him that made him kiss you straightaway? How did you know?’

  Felicity let out a small laugh that sounded more like a sigh. ‘Remember in those letters you read when I described first meeting Zac?’

  Ella still found it strange to imagine her mother at nineteen, talking to Zac while pregnant with her.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Zac told me I would recognise “the one,” that he would be searching for me and would give me back my life. He said I would have appeared in his dreams.’

  ‘Yes, I remember you writing that.’

  ‘Well, on your sixteenth birthday you got lost and Richard brought you back to me. Richard did exactly what Zac said he would do: he brought me back my life—you. When I ran up to him, I knew it was my one chance to see whether Zac was right, so I asked him if he’d been dreaming of me. If he recognised me. He did. Apparently, he’d been dreaming of a blonde woman for years but hadn’t realised what it meant. It all sounds ridiculous and far-fetched, a big and silly coincidence, but it didn’t feel silly at the time. It felt magical.’

  So that was why Richard had looked at her mother that night like she was something from a dream—because she had been. Zac had been right, as always, and Felicity had had the courage to believe him.

  ‘Why didn’t it work out then?’ Ella whispered, a lump forming in her throat.

  ‘I think Richard and I would have been happy forever, as fate had foreseen, had Zac not entered your life and created waves that turned into one god-awful tsunami. I did a workshop all about the chaos theory when I was in San Francisco. The concept is that a little butterfly can flap its wings, and over time that butterfly creates a storm. Zac was that butterfly. He wasn’t meant to be in our lives. If he hadn’t started that chain of events, I would never have known what Sebastian did to you. I would have lived in blissful ignorance with my chosen husband, and you would have taken a different path. As for your father, he’s always been my soulmate, Ella. In every lifetime. I loved him before, and I always will—that will never change. I have no idea if we were fated to be reunited in this lifetime though; once again, it was Zac who decided that. If it hadn’t been for him, who knows what life we’d be living right now?’