by TJ Muir
Or maybe mom is out of the picture, and that is why dad is so protective?
I think Fern could use some more background too. Who is she? I noticed in the end notes you may be thinking Beddo? I can see that, however why would she leave that life then? All indications of previous Beddo glimpses in your work shows the Beddo to be very family oriented and tight knit. Why would she leave that? Did her parents die?
If you can put BLRO on this shared doc, I can read through it again looking for typos and ideas. It is difficult to mark up and send via my kindle.
Overall, I like this book the best. In fact if I had a choice in the matter, I would make this book one, and the next book two, and then possibly three....and then introduce Jedda's stories reworked. Your writing has matured greatly, and both of those Jedda stories could be reworked to reflect that maturity.
Just saying! :)
As a side note - stuffed grape leave with lamb, rice, and spices are some of my favorite food! I make those when feeling like doing some work for a good meal! You made my mouth water at the description! Now I am thinking I need to make some soon.... :)
[4]As for the mysterious book - do you have Kirrin bring the subject up that he realizes it is not a family heirloom of Hak'kar? Maybe Hak'kar shares some things from it that gives ground work for sending Kirrin south.
What's the deal with the underground tunnels? Do they play a role in the future? could what Hak'kar is looking for be right under his nose?
Is Kirrin a pawn or incarnation of the Red God? There is something special about him for sure. And the "red" hair would lead someone to suspect something - especially after Trip mentions it before dragging Kirrin away from the riot at the docks....
Is that enough questions for now? I can easily see another several books coming from this!
Chuck
[5]any suggestions for how to finish up the party-crash scene? def stuck there. who does kirrin meet (I can change this) and how does it go from there? I am thinking Kirrin may also need to deliver some ind of proof of his attendance-- this could be either an item or information of events...?
[6]And I can definitely put BTLRO via google docs-- I prefer this over kindle reading/noting anyway:)
[7]Got I, thanks. I'll be cruising for the next 9 days so no guarantees :)
Party scene: well I was thinking the guy in the back room was like the noble's son or something. Possibly even around Kirrin's age. So have them strike up a conversation when Krrin gets over the fact that the guy lives there. Have the guy reveal something that Kirrin would never know otherwise, and that could be his proof of being there.
Or he could give him his cell phone number....oh wait they don't have those :)
The guy thinks Kirrin is there because he's bored and doesn't like parties. The guy is there because he doesn't like the parties either. I am sure something can be built on that. The problem is you don't want to build too much because then we readers will want to know where that relationship is going....and I am not sure it needs to go anywhere.
doubt that helps much, but that's my 2 cents
[8]I finished up the party scene if you want to read it. somewhere around page 84:) polished up a few other places too. I think I have 1-2 more details to fix and then--- done:)
[9]Looks good! And the comic relief at the end shows he's still out of his element, but getting better. I like it!
Table of Contents
CHAPTER BREAK
CHAPTER THREE
Chapter four
CHAPTER FIVE