Seven Nights with Her Ex

by Louisa Heaton

  Last night had been a revelation. A new chapter for them both. She’d been grateful for his honesty. For his making clear that which had been blurry. Explaining the pain. Explaining his reasons for walking away.

  It had hurt to feel that she’d been to blame for some of it, but truth sometimes did hurt. She’d listened to it, acknowledged it. Accepted it. Some of it was my fault. But then they’d slept together and he’d held her in his arms, and she’d felt so good to be there. She just knew she could never let that go again.

  ‘Do you think there’s much further to go?’

  He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Couple of miles, maybe. Not far.’

  ‘We might run into the others soon. They might have water! You know…if they didn’t have to jump off a cliff.’

  He smiled at her. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘I’m glad I’m here with you, Gray. Doing this. It wouldn’t have been the same without you. Us meeting again. Getting close again. Opening up. It’s been good for us, don’t you think?’

  Gray nodded and looked about them. ‘Ready to go again?’

  She stood and slipped her hand into his, surprising him. ‘I’m ready.’

  He said nothing, just started to walk.

  Then, within the hour, they met some familiar faces.

  CHAPTER NINE

  BARB AND CONRAD waved to them and they hurried over to meet up with the older married couple, who both looked quite fresh and not at all trail-weary.

  The two women hugged and the men patted each other on the back—until Barb frowned and looked at them both. ‘Where’s your gear?’

  Beau grinned at Gray. ‘A bison took it.’

  ‘Oh! Really?’

  ‘We woke this morning and we were surrounded. One started to charge and we had to jump into a river to escape.’

  Barb looked at her husband. ‘You weren’t hurt? Con, get these people some water.’

  But Con was already doing that, and he handed over their flasks to let them both take a long, refreshing drink.

  ‘Oh, wow—that tastes so good!’ Beau wiped her mouth and handed it back, but Con waved it away.

  ‘You keep it. We’re nearly back to the ranger station. Look over there—through the trees. See that strip of blue? That’s Heart Lake.’

  Beau squinted and shielded her eyes—and, yes! There it was! They’d made it back, safe and sound, and their friends were okay, too.

  Barb threaded her arm into Beau’s and walked with her, whilst Gray walked behind them with Con.

  ‘So how did you two get on?’ she asked.

  Beau smiled and nodded. ‘It was good. I think it might just be okay for us.’

  ‘Oh, honey, I’m so pleased to hear that! You two look made for each other.’

  It felt good to hear someone else say that. It reinforced everything that Beau had been thinking. She’d made some mistakes in the past. She’d taken Gray’s feelings for granted. Had not given him the opportunity to share how he truly felt. She’d been caught up in her romantic tale of love, of how they’d had the romance of the century, but none of it had been true. Well, almost none. They had loved each other. But the foundations of their relationship had been shaky.

  She’d not known the full truth about her then husband-to-be, but now she did. She’d been so busy trying to have what her parents had that she hadn’t realised that he’d been trying to steer them away from what his parents had.

  But it’s settled now. We’re nearly back to civilisation. We can make this work. Somehow.

  She supposed they’d have to travel to see each other at first. Maybe one of them could try to get a job in the other’s hospital. There was always a need for a good neurologist or cardiologist. Then, being close, they could work on just being together again. It was scary—being back with Gray, taking a risk—but it felt right. As if she was home.

  The brain had two hemispheres and there were connections—neural pathways that connected the two, making the brain a whole so that it worked to perfection. Being separated from Gray had been like having only one hemisphere. She could survive, but there were deficits. She’d known something was missing. That she wasn’t whole.

  Now they were coming back together and everything was slowly becoming right.

  The rest of the group began to emerge from different directions as they got closer and closer to the ranger station. Seeing each other’s faces brought comfort and joy, and when they were all back together again, they walked into the ranger station with the biggest grins on their faces. Their happiness in their joint achievement filled the room with its glow as they each told their stories—the funny moments, the scary moments. How they’d survived.

  Beau listened to it all, her heart full.

  As the chatter died down, Mack congratulated them all on getting back safe and sound, and after a quick debrief they all started to decamp. To gather their things and get ready to catch the minibus that would take them back to Gallatin and their own cars. Where they would all part ways.

  Seeing as Beau didn’t have any gear to sort through, she located Gray and waited for him to end his conversation with Toby and Allan. The guys were promising to keep in touch.

  Afterwards, when they’d left, he turned to her and smiled. ‘You okay?’

  ‘I’m good! I’m great, actually. Looking forward to getting back to my hotel and changing my clothes. Taking a hot shower. I thought that maybe you’d like to join me?’

  It was forward, she knew, but she wanted this good feeling to continue. To make sure he knew they could work on this relationship and make it succeed this time. Now she knew what he had feared, what he’d worried about before, they could move on.

  But Gray’s face was blank. ‘I’ll be heading back to my own hotel. I’ve got a flight to catch tomorrow and I’d like to get some rest.’

  Oh.

  ‘Are you sure? I thought that we—’

  ‘This isn’t what you deserve, Beau.’ He lowered his voice and moved her away from the others. ‘I’m not. I can’t love you the way you want me to. I think it’s best if we close the door on what we had and just move on.’

  Beau stared at him, feeling sick. Was he really saying this? But they’d shared so much!

  How could I have read you so wrong?

  *

  Gray walked away from her once more, his feet leaden, his heart weary. Every step he took became more and more painful as he increased the distance between them.

  It was tempting. So tempting to turn around and go back to her, give her what she wanted, but he couldn’t. He needed to get away from her. Create some space. He couldn’t think when he was this close to her. He couldn’t think when she looked at him like that. With love in her eyes.

  It was like stepping back in time. Right back to where they started! Surely she could see that he was doing this for both of them?

  ‘Gray!’ She grabbed his arm and spun him round. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘We’re still in the same place. It’s eleven years on, and we’re in a different country, but we’re still stuck in the same place!’

  ‘No. It’s different now.’

  ‘Is it? You still see the sweetness and light in everything. Despite what I’ve told you. Despite knowing I can’t protect you. Can’t love you the way that you need. Can’t offer you anything but a disabled partner who sure as hell doesn’t deserve a second chance.’

  ‘It won’t be that way—’

  He pulled his arm free. ‘Please, Beau! I can’t think when you touch me! I can’t think with you around. It’s too much. Believe me, it’s better this way.’

  ‘For who? For you? Because it isn’t easy for me!’

  ‘I just…need some space. Please, Beau, will you let it go? I can’t be who you need.’

  She looked up at him with sadness. ‘Who are you to know who I need?’

  He couldn’t speak then. He couldn’t reply. He couldn’t think. Seeing the tears fall from her eyes was so hard. But what could he do? The feelings that had resur
faced when they’d made love had shaken him. He wasn’t prepared for this! He’d expected to apologise, he’d expected her to listen grudgingly, but so much else had happened. Emotions were getting involved again—love and longing, hurt and pain. He couldn’t see what he needed to do.

  Gray needed her to go.

  Gritting his teeth, he turned his back on her and waited for her to walk away.

  *

  He hadn’t sat next to her on the bus. It had been like a slap in the face. Instead he’d walked past her and gone to sit at the back with Dean and Rick.

  So she’d sat there alone, behind the driver, trying her hardest not to turn around and look at him in case everyone else saw the heartbreak on her face.

  Where had it gone so wrong?

  They’d talked. They’d made love. That night had been exquisite. The sensations he had made her feel had made her…euphoric. He’d been tender, caring, passionate. They’d lain together afterwards, entwined. He’d smiled at her that morning, had kissed her—he’d seemed fine. They’d jumped off that cliff. Survived the fall without injury. Got out of the river without being swept away. They’d both been so happy and exhilarated at what had happened, and then…

  He’d gone a little quiet on the trek back—but then again, they both had! They’d been thirsty. Talking had just seemed to make her mouth drier. But whilst she’d allowed herself to think everything was different, had got carried away with imagining the glorious future they could have, he’d been thinking…what?

  ‘I’m not what you deserve. I can’t love you the way you want me to.’

  How was it his choice to decide what she deserved? She deserved him! He was her soulmate. Her better half. Her match. In every way. She needed him.

  She loved him.

  Did I do it again? Did I get carried away with a romantic fantasy?

  Maybe he was right. Maybe he could see right through her. Perhaps he was right not to rush into anything? Could he see that she was falling into old habits?

  ‘I can’t love you the way you want me to.’

  She just wanted to be loved by him. He was the only man who would do. Who would fulfil the need she felt every day. To be touched by him. Loved by him. Held in his arms. She’d had eleven years to realise she wouldn’t be able to find that with anyone else. Not the way she felt when she was with Gray. That sense of completeness.

  When he got off the bus, if he left without her, he would be taking her heart with him.

  Beau wiped away a tear and looked out of the window.

  The minibus trundled along the park’s roads, past sights they hadn’t seen. Glaciers. Geysers. She saw some elk, and high above some birds circling on the thermals in the blue skies. The raw beauty of the place hurt her eyes. It was too beautiful to look at when she felt so ravaged, so she closed her eyes and laid her head against the window, allowing the motion of the vehicle to rock her to sleep.

  *

  She dreamed. She dreamed that she was in the water again, after the jump, and that she’d just exploded to the surface, gasping for air, looking about her for Gray. Eventually his head popped up out of the water, further downstream, and though she called for him, though she waved to show him where she was, he simply got washed downstream, disappearing from sight…

  She woke with a jerk, sitting bolt upright, aware that people were getting off the bus. Looking outside, she could see the car park of the Gallatin Ranger Station, and over to her right her rental car. Had it been only five days since she’d parked it there? So much had happened…

  Beau stood up, determined to speak to Gray, to not let him get away without a word as he had once before. She turned around to face the back of the bus, where he’d been sitting.

  He was gone.

  She looked out at the others, still gathering their bags from the bus’s storage compartments, but he wasn’t there, either.

  Beau clambered down the steps and grabbed Barb’s sleeve. ‘Where’s Gray?’

  ‘I think he went into the ranger station, honey. You have a good sleep?’

  She didn’t answer. She raced for the station, blasting through its doors and scanning the room, then darting past the receptionist into the room in which she’d first seen him. He had to be there! He had to be with Mack or someone.

  But the room was empty.

  She shot back outside to check the toilets, but they were empty, too. Desperate now, she headed back to the receptionist. ‘Has Gray McGregor been in?’

  ‘He collected his car keys just a few minutes ago. I think he’s gone.’

  No!

  She darted outside, aware that the others were looking at her strangely, but not caring. All that mattered was finding Gray. She couldn’t see him in the car park and there was no car leaving. Had he already left? Had she missed him?

  As Rick passed her, she grabbed his arm. ‘What hotel was Gray staying at? Did he mention it?’

  ‘Sorry, Beau, he didn’t.’

  ‘But he gave you his number? To keep in touch?’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s a UK number.’

  ‘Not his mobile?’

  ‘His cell? No, sorry.’

  She almost cried out. How could this be happening? How could he do this to her again?

  She stood in the middle of the car park for ages. Con and Barb picked up their car and waved to her as they passed by, as did the others. She stared at nothing. Thought of nothing but her loss as the cars drove past her, some tooting their horns.

  She didn’t move until her bladder began to scream at her. Only then did she slowly plod over to the bathroom and relieve herself, before going into the station and collecting her car keys and belongings.

  The luxury of the car felt wrong. The leather seats, the air conditioning. That new car smell. It all seemed so false. So manufactured. She’d become used to nature in that short week. The fresh, warm air. The smell of pine—real pine. Not that stuff that was made in a factory and created from chemicals.

  She started the engine and entered the address details for her hotel into the GPS system, began to drive. She drove almost on autopilot, getting back to her hotel, barely remembering the drive at all.

  When she’d checked in to her room, she dropped her keys onto the dresser and turned on the shower, shedding clothes in slow motion, feeling as if she was moving through thick treacle, stepping under the warm spray and closing her eyes, trying to feel nothing. Trying not to think.

  But it all became too much.

  And she sank into the corner of the shower and began to cry.

  *

  His hotel room was a world away from the last week’s experience. Had it really been just a week? The room, though familiar, looked empty—dry of life. Not real. A false environment. A place that was meant to make him feel as if he were at home, but was so false it almost made him feel sick to be there.

  Home was where Beau was.

  It always had been. And it had ripped him apart to walk away. Again. But how could he throw himself into their relationship? He loved her. With all his heart and more. But he wasn’t right for her. If they tried to make it work, one of them would have to give up their career at their current hospital and move. That bit might not be so bad, but what about when the thrill of being back together again wore off? What happened when reality sank in? What if they decided to have children?

  He couldn’t do it.

  All that time, all those eleven years he’d spent away from her, he’d struggled to feel satisfied or happy with anything. And finding Beau again, in Yellowstone, of all places, had made him realise just what he’d been missing.

  She had always had his heart. From that very first day when he’d spotted her at medical school—that gorgeous, long-limbed, elegant woman with the flaming red hair—his breath had been taken from him. He’d tried to use his old, familiar chat-up lines and they’d had no effect on her. She’d laughed them off, almost disappointed by his attempt at using them. And so he’d tried a different tactic.

  He’d been as g
enuine as he could. He’d listened to her. Studied with her. Helped her revise. He’d been content with just being with her. Basking in her glow. Enjoying the warmth that she’d created in his cold, empty heart. The first time he’d kissed her… Well, that had been something else!

  After that he’d been unable to tear himself away from her. Beau had been his bright star, his happiness. His joy. His deep love. He’d never known it was possible to love another person so much. Whenever they’d been apart, he’d thought of her. Whenever he’d been on a day shift and she on a night shift, and they’d met like ships in the dawn of the early morning, their time together had been too short. Bittersweet.

  Sometimes they’d meet in the hospital cafeteria and just drink coffee silently together. Happy to be next to each other. They hadn’t needed words. They hadn’t needed grand gestures to show the other how much they meant to them. They’d just been happy to be. Sitting opposite each other, holding hands.

  He refused to end up hating her. His heart, his logical brain, told him he wouldn’t do that to himself. They’d met again. Cleared the air. Shared a wonderful few days together. And it was best to leave it at that. With good memories. Ending on a high.

  So why do I feel like this?

  His heart physically ached. He was fighting against the urge to throw caution to the wind and go and find her again. To feel her in his arms just one more time…

  But what good would it do? It would hurt them each and every time they had to part ways.

  But what if it could work?

  The devil’s advocate part of his brain kicked in. Presented him with images of them happy together, surrounded by a brood of happy, red-haired, green-eyed children. Mini-versions of him and Beau. Having the kind of marriage people dreamed of.

  Some people managed it, didn’t they? He’d read about them in the news. Couples celebrating fifty, sixty, seventy years of marriage and giving their advice for a long, happy marriage:

  Never go to bed on an argument.