Here and Now

by Blake Haugen

  “Babe, I – I don’t know how –”

  “Just for right now, Vanya; just until we can establish more control.”

  “Establish more control?”

  “Yes.” She put emphasis on her response. She looked drained and weary. It didn’t bode well with him. Vanya was sure his heart, the one that Persephone had helped thaw, was breaking into a million pieces. There was a long bout of silence before he spoke.

  “We’re complete prunes. Let’s get dried off.”

  Despite his panic, he was painstakingly slow in drying and lotioning her body. He wanted her to feel his love and urgency in each touch. Vanya guided Persephone to the bed, laid her on her stomach, and gently ran his hands up and down her soft brown skin.

  “I’m sorry, babe,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. Tell me what I can do. I will do anything to make this better.” He placed light kisses along her back to savor the feel of her sweet smelling flesh against his lips. Vanya was startled when he felt her shiver and sniffle.

  He turned her over to take a good look at her. Though she tried, she was unable to stem the flow of tears from her eyes. Vanya hated when she tried to hide from him. He pulled her wiping hands from her face to kiss and lick away her tears himself.

  “Sorry,” Persephone mumbled.

  “No,” he said against her full cheek, “don’t ever be sorry for sharing yourself with me, Percy. Everything we express here is done in love. I want you to know that; that you’re always safe with me.”

  Her heavy sigh caused him to pull back and look at her. “Vanya, you don’t know how much I want to believe that. It’s just that everything I’ve been taught - everything that’s happened to me - has engineered me to believe the exact opposite. I didn’t even realize I was carrying all that shit around with me. The memories, you know? Before Lina’s wedding and Madrid I’d felt like I left it all behind forever. That first year after, I used to have these panic attacks just out sheer rejection of what was going on. This shit does not happen to normal people! I can’t even believe you’re here, that you’d even want me. Like, want me seriously, I mean. Like, long term.”

  “Like, um, yeah,” he mocked. “Where else would I wanna be?”

  “Shut up,” she snickered at his condescension, “I’m nervous.”

  “Eh, I’m just trying to make you less nervous. I saw a smile there. I think it’s working.” Vanya shifted them so that she lay draped on his chest. He lay on his back, propped up against the pillows and removed the satin wrap she’d placed on her head before they’d entered the shower. He slipped his hands in her hair and twisted her bobbed tresses between his fingers. Persephone’s breathing slowed and her fingertips glided idly on his torso. A smile crossed Vanya’s face as he remembered when she had forbidden him from putting his hands in her hair years ago.

  “Why not?” he’d asked.

  “Because you’ll probably think it’s gross or something. Black people put oil in their hair to keep it healthy.”

  “I like the way it feels. I like to play with it when we finish.”

  “Well, my hair isn’t a toy!”

  “I can run my fingers through my girlfriend’s hair!”

  “Um, you ‘can,’ but you won’t.”

  “I bet you won’t mind my fingers buried in your hair when I’m burying you with my cock.”

  “Oh, fuck you!”

  “Precisely.”

  Surprisingly enough, that session had ended with Vanya on his knees. His wish of running his fingers through her hair was ultimately fulfilled when they had lain in bed. Over time, she’d completely acclimated to his touch and it relaxed her.

  “How was your dad mean to you? You always say he was mean, but you never say how,” Vanya asked aloud.

  Persephone’s motions stilled. “Well, he never ever hugged me. I don’t know if he thought he was teaching me to be serious or something. I mean, in a second grade English exercise, one of the adjectives I used to describe myself was the word ‘practical.’

  “No hugs, no kisses, holding hands, piggyback rides, none of that. After about third or fourth grade he just stopped. I think that was around the time I started getting overweight. It might have been a little after that. I don’t know. I was a pretty depressive kid, I think. I was just full of energy and it really drained both of my parents, but especially him. He was really critical; insulting really. Mostly about my weight, how hard I worked at school, how smart I was. He was such an asshole. No one has ever been meaner to me – to my face that is.”

  “How long were you overweight?” Vanya asked. He winced inwardly when he felt her tense against him. Persephone wasn’t skinny, but she was certainly nowhere near fat. She was a sexy little petite thing, as curvy as a soda bottle. He’d never thought of her as overweight.

  “I’ve never really gotten it all off. I was so depressed my junior year of high school. I hated him so much. I think I was really relieved when he died.”

  “That’s so fucked up, Percy. And your mom just let that happen? I can’t believe that. You know you’re beautiful, right? You’re perfect.”

  “Thanks,” she replied half-heartedly and tapped his stomach.

  “It’s true! I have to stare assholes down all the time when we’re out.”

  “They’re staring at you because they recognize you from those society pages. Or because we’re an ‘interracial couple,’” Persephone raised her hands to make air quotes.

  “Maybe, but they’re jealous, too. Your body is amazing.”

  “I’m doing good, but I’m not at my peak fitness level.”

  “Jesus, Persephone you don’t have to be a fucking marine. You don’t need to be at peak fitness level. You’re healthy, sexy, completely fuckable.” Vanya smiled and moved to place kisses on her jaw and neck.

  “Yeah, that’s assuring coming from ‘Mr. Russianface RocketAbs.’ Nice one, Gigantor,” Persephone laughed lightly and scratched his stomach.

  “I know it’s sort of bullshit coming from me, all things considered, but your dad was sick. I’ve seen your high school pictures. So what if you were chubby; you were a beautiful girl. Hell, you are a beautiful girl. He shouldn’t have made you feel like you aren’t amazing. He shouldn’t have laid all that shit on you either. It was wrong.”

  “Yeah, well, he was always good at thinking of himself. I mean, I think he was a good person at heart, I guess. He had the greater good in mind. He was just completely misguided on how to execute his objectives. I don’t know.”

  At that, Persephone snuggled in closer, signifying that she was ready to end the conversation and go to sleep. Vanya draped his right arm around her waist. Would that they could stay in that bed forever! He sighed into the moonlit room and whispered the only words he thought could make things better. Though he meant it, his next statement didn’t feel as helpful as usual.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  He had no doubt in the sincerity of her reply. It was her hopeless tone that gave him pause, and a dreadful foreboding overcame Vanya. Sleep eluded him that night and many nights after.

  ☐

  Vanya sat in his office at his father’s downtown offices on a cloudy Saturday afternoon in the last days of March. The final year of law school had rolled along without any major complications. Persephone had opted to move back into her campus apartment when school started, but during winter break Vanya convinced her to move in with him and get a sub-letter for her place.

  After months of planning with Peng, the engagement ring was finished at last. Persephone would love it. Of that there was no doubt. The piece was like her; curious, beautiful, unique. The center stone was a pear cut Montana sapphire, from the same state in which her mother grew up. Vanya knew Persephone wouldn’t want a stone that had been mined unethically and an American stone would delight her. Peng had suggested the large gem from her personal collection – just over three carats – because it resembled Vanya’s eye color.

  It wasn’t the most expen
sive stone out there, but its size and great clarity were extremely rare. Apparently, sapphires from the area were usually much smaller. Its light aqua blue brilliance held a slight green undertone. Despite receiving no heat enhancements, it beamed in both natural and artificial light. The accent stones were excellent Russian single cut diamonds of the best grade. Three adorned each side of the sapphire, held there by the delicate settings on the ring’s platinum band.

  Vanya felt as if he had spent the last few days just staring at it. He’d carried it everywhere since Peng delivered it to him at the shop the previous weekend. Its small, enamel, art deco case was an insistent weight in his jacket. There had been times where he had sat across from Persephone as they ate and he almost reached into his inside breast pocket and took a knee. Instead, he’d fumble with his lapel and brush off her claims that he was giving her “interrogation stares.”

  Convinced he’d get no work done that day, he decided to leave the office and drive back to campus early. He’d only come into the city that morning to catch up on some things he’d let slide while focusing on his school courses. His father’s offices were mostly empty. Only a few dedicated minions were still making phone calls and preparing paperwork.

  Rather than go through the building to enter the garage, Vanya chose to go outside and walk the short distance down the street. He’d been cooped up inside for hours and needed to breathe some fresh air. Beto, the young security guard, bid him a good weekend. As they were both part of the weekend skeleton crew, he recognized Vanya easily.

  “I almost had a double-take there, man,” Beto laughed as Vanya swiped his badge to pass through the turnstile. “You look so much like your dad. He left earlier and when I saw you coming from the elevators I thought you were him. I was like, ‘Shit, how’d he get back in without swiping his badge? I’m about to get my ass fired!’”

  Vanya’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “My dad was here? I didn’t see him up there.”

  “That’s weird because he asked if you had come in. You were probably working too hard up there makin’ all that money. Get your head out of the books and go party this weekend!”

  “I wish I had the time. Summer’s close enough. I still can’t believe I missed my dad though.”

  “I think he was just going out to lunch. He had a couple of dudes with him.”

  “Hmph,” Vanya grunted distractedly. “Oh well, I won’t bore you anymore. Take it easy this weekend.”

  “Hah, you’re talking to the wrong man! Midterms are done; we’re goin’ hard tonight!” Beto waved him off.

  Vanya laughed, but as he exited the building, his thoughts went back to his father. How could he have missed Kirill’s presence in the offices? The Pravdins did occupy the twenty-sixth through thirtieth floors, but Kirill never went anywhere but the thirtieth floor. Lower floors were for record keeping, accounting, and legal. Vanya should have been stationed there, but Kirill insisted on having his son’s office on his right side.

  Vanya suddenly recalled something Beto said and felt foolish for not reacting immediately upon hearing it. “That’s weird because he asked if you had come in.” Kirill Pravdin didn’t hide, so, if he’d avoided Vanya, it was because it would have been an inconvenience to see him. But why? He pondered it over and entered the first level of the parking garage. Upon entry he was stunned to find his answer so quickly.

  Near the building entrance at the end of the aisle, a driver let Kirill and Ryan Trask out of a small black sedan. Vanya was sure they didn’t notice him and stayed out of sight until they entered the building. He kept his face glued to the screen of his phone as the driver passed him, praying the man didn’t recognize him. There was no guarantee of that.

  He made his way to his car and blazed back to campus. No doubt they’d pass by Beto and the talkative young man would bring up the conversation they’d just had. Ryan Trask’s arrival and Kirill’s attempt to avoid Vanya could only mean one thing. Kirill planned to move forward on getting the information he wanted from Persephone. Vanya didn’t know how his father was going to go about extracting that information from her. Frankly, he didn’t want to dwell on it too long. It only served to make him more nauseated than he already felt.

  “Call Percy,” he barked to his car. He didn’t even bother saying “hello” or “hey” when she picked up.

  “Where are you?”

  “Um, I’m actually at home. I left a book I needed here and had to come back from the library.”

  “Alright, good, just stay there. I’ll be home in no less than an hour and a half.”

  “Whoa, what’s wrong?”

  Vanya sighed, “Nothing, I hope. I just need to talk to you about something and it can’t wait.”

  Silence filled the car around him. When he thought she wouldn’t answer, she finally spoke up. “Okay then, just don’t get in a wreck.”

  “I won’t. I love you, babe.”

  “I love you, too. See you soon, Gigantor. Bye-bye.”

  The line cut off. What he was about to do was insane, but he didn’t see any way around it. Thankfully, the traffic out of the city on a Saturday afternoon was lighter than that of the incoming traffic. He was able to make it to his campus apartment faster than he’d anticipated.

  He entered to see Persephone in a lovely coral and navy striped sundress, curled up on the couch with a book. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. Vanya briefly lamented the fact that he was bringing her bad news.

  “What’s going –”

  “My father met with Ryan Trask today and tried to keep it from me. I think he’s moving forward with something we obviously don’t want him to,” Vanya interrupted.

  Persephone simply closed her book. She sat still and expressionless for a few moments. She then stood, turned away from him, and walked to the living room windows. Vanya followed her.

  So far, her reaction wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. He placed his hands on her shoulders as she looked at the street below. He could tell she was in deep thought; her hand was clasped over her mouth and she didn’t acknowledge him. He could hear air streaming in and out of her nose. It was the only indication of her change in mood. Vanya inhaled, drumming up the courage to make the suggestion he never thought he would.

  “Sweetpea, I know this is going to be hard, but I think we should give him what he wants. Once we do that, this is all over. It’s not worth it to keep worrying like this.”

  “What?” Persephone spoke quietly under her hand. Vanya felt her muscles seize. He didn’t protest when she pulled away and turned on him. Her eyes narrowed with incredulity. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Percy, I’m completely serious. My father will try to hurt you. He might not come at you directly, but he’s going to get what he wants one way or another. Think about the Bensons and Ariana. Lauren and Finn? That’s just off the top of my head, I’m not even getting creative. He could try to ruin them financially, get someone to hurt them physically – the possibilities are endless.”

  “He couldn’t mess with Finn without blowback and you know it. Her family wouldn’t stand for it,” Persephone spat back at him.

  Somewhat stunned, Vanya reared his head back. He’d forgotten Persephone’s aptitude to analyze a situation. However, if she understood that, then surely she knew giving Kirill what he wanted would be the simplest solution to their problems.

  “Alright then, Percy, what about everyone else?”

  “The Bensons are more than capable of taking care of themselves. Peter sure as shit is. I don’t have to worry about them. There’s no one else but you to worry about, and you’re his precious boy. I am my only collateral. This is a pointless exercise anyway. I’m not telling Kirill anything. I won’t betray my country just so he can make some cash and get a power rush.”

  “Betray your country? You’re being dramatic! Percy, it’s just information. It’s not weapons or bomb codes.” Vanya waited for her to refute him. She’d never been too specific about the things her father had passed on to her. Un
fortunately, his woman was clever and didn’t take the bait. She threw him a withering glare.

  “It’s intelligence, Vanka. Nice try, by the way.”

  “Oh, brushing up on our Russian, are we?”

  Persephone rolled her eyes and turned from him again. Vanya couldn’t believe she refused to hash this out with him. He began to pace the floor. She was driving him crazy! Why couldn’t she see reason? Did she even want to? He stopped short as a thought came to him.

  “Do you even want to get married?”

  “Don’t. Don’t do that to me. This isn’t just about what I want. I don’t get to be selfish here.”

  “Why not? You’ve been pulling away from me for months. You don’t even care how that affects me; you just do whatever you want. Why stop now? You’re making this whole thing about everyone but you and me. When it comes down to it, this is about you and me.”

  “Vanya!”

  “No! Let’s be real here. If it’s just information my father wants, then you could give it to him. You wouldn’t have done anything wrong. Nothing you could possibly be liable for. You certainly wouldn’t be guilty of any criminal action. Just giving an old dog a bone so that you can marry his son. You’re using this to put another obstacle between us and marriage!”

  “I am not! There’s danger here you obviously don’t understand. This isn’t about pleasing Kirill, or me being afraid to get married. And yes, I am afraid, but you know I wanted to take that step with you! That I’m even discussing any of this with you shows how much I trust you!” Persephone pointed her finger at him, jabbing the air to punctuate her statement.

  “‘Wanted to take that step?’ This is a really funny way of showing it. I don’t understand why this is a hard decision for you. Working with him is the only thing that will allow us to live together in peace.”

  “Maybe it is, Vanya. I know you don’t want to hear it, but sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make, and you just have to live with it.”

  Vanya furrowed his eyebrows and his eyes darkened. Suddenly, his chest couldn’t take in enough air. Goosebumps pimpled over his flesh. He nearly whispered his next words. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”