"Morning, sweetheart." Cassie bent and pressed a kiss to her soft cheek. "Want some French toast?"
Jani nodded as she slid onto a chair at the table. "And chocolate milk?"
"Sure." Cassie busied herself getting Jani's breakfast ready.
"Is today church, Mama?" Jani asked when Cassie set the plate in front of her.
"Let's pray for your food first then I'll talk to you about church, okay?"
Once the prayer was said and Jani started eating, Cassie tried to explain what the day held. "Daddy isn't going to church this morning. He'd rather not be around a lot of people yet. I'm going to go to church but Daddy wants you to stay with him so you can spend some time together and talk. Is that okay?"
With her mouth full of French toast, Jani just nodded. Before she could say anything more Quinn joined them and sat down at the table with Jani.
"Hey, Sunshine. How are you this morning?" Quinn asked Jani.
Cassie turned away from the two of them, the pain piercing her again at the sound of Quinn calling Jani by the name he used to call her. Would it ever get easier?
She loaded up a plate for Quinn and set it in front of him. "I've already told Jani she'll be staying home with you today. I'll finish getting stuff together to leave after church."
Quinn nodded and began to eat. Cassie hadn't bothered to sample any of the breakfast she'd prepared. The hollow in her stomach made it impossible to eat anything without feeling as if she would throw up.
She left Jani and Quinn eating their breakfast and went to change. As Cassie slipped the simple blue sheath dress over her head she struggled to not dwell on how this was one more thing that wasn’t going according to plan. She knew it was time to chuck the plan. It was the only way to keep from bursting into tears every time something didn’t go as she had hoped.
Cassie stood in front of the mirror and stared at herself. What did Quinn see when he looked her? Did he see the shorter hair instead of the long he had loved? Did he see the extra pounds her pregnancy had added to her frame?
With a fingertip Cassie touched the corner of her eye. She had a few more tiny wrinkles than she had had six years ago. Life had not been all that kind to her. Sighing, Cassie began to look through her makeup bag for the items that would hopefully hide the wrinkles and the dark circles beneath her eyes.
Twenty minutes later she was ready to go. Quinn and Jani were in the kitchen at the sink doing dishes. Cassie stood for a moment watching them. This was something she had imagined and hoped would be. Father and daughter. Together.
“I’m going now.” Cassie said, interrupting their laughter.
Jani dried her hands on the towel Quinn held and jumped off the small stool. Cassie gave her a hug and kissed the top of her head. She wondered if the joy would be gone from Jani’s eyes when she returned.
For a moment Cassie toyed with the idea of staying. She was so used to being there for Jani. Protecting her from pain, easing the hurts, both physical and emotional. Her instinct was to stay. Her baby’s dreams for their family were going to be crushed right along with her mother’s.
She looked at Quinn and found him watching her, the dishtowel still in his hands. He was Jani’s father. Cassie had to trust him to protect her as well.
“I’ll be back in a while.” Cassie gave Jani one more quick hug and released her. She grabbed her Bible and purse and with one last look at the two people she loved most in the world, Cassie left the cabin.
She tried not to think about Quinn and Jani as she guided the car along the winding road to the small town where the church was. It dawned on her as she approached the small building that there would be questions about why she was alone.
She couldn’t avoid it though as one of the church members spotted her and waved. Having attended the church every time her family had been at the cabin, most members knew Cassie well.
She parked the SUV and gathered up her stuff. The pastor stood on the steps greeting people as they entered. "Where's that adorable daughter of yours? And your husband? We were looking forward to seeing him again after all these years of praying for his release."
The hollow in Cassie's stomach grew. She took a deep breath and for the first time in her life, told a half-truth to a pastor. "He's not feeling up to being around a lot of people just yet. And Jani's not ready to let her daddy out of her sight for very long so I let her stay with him."
The pastor nodded, understanding in his warm brown eyes. "Maybe next week."
"Actually, we're heading back to the city this afternoon. Quinn needs to spend some time with the rest of his family."
"I'm sorry to hear you’re leaving so soon. Hopefully you'll be back out in the next few months so we can see Quinn."
"I hope so." Cassie stretched the muscles of her face into what she hoped was a smile even though it felt more like a grimace. "You know how we like it out here."
Cassie moved past the pastor into the church, stopping frequently to repeat the story she'd first told on the steps of the small church. Would it ever end? Maybe it would have been better if she'd skipped church too. Her heart was just not into worshipping the Lord. In fact, there was a small part of her heart that was very angry with Him right then.
How could He allow her family to fall apart after all they'd been through? All they'd suffered because they had been following His call to be missionaries?
Sitting in a pew near the back Cassie struggled to get her heart into the right attitude for worship. She couldn't even sing the choruses. It seemed so hypocritical to sing songs of praise and thanksgiving when her heart just wasn't in it. Cassie's hands clenched the pew in front of her as they stood to pray.
Anguish gripped her heart as she listened to the pastor thank God for Quinn's safe arrival and for the reuniting of their family. Tears threatened to flow but she wouldn't let them escape. No one here would understand why she shed tears when she should be happy.
Cassie tuned out the sounds around her and struggled to maintain control. She shouldn't be there. The temptation to grab her Bible and leave was great but Cassie didn't want to draw even more attention to herself so she went through the motions of worship, sitting when the congregation sat, standing when they did.
When the pastor finally stood to give his message Cassie thought her head was going to explode from the tension filling her. She rubbed her temples trying to ease the ache.
Normally the pastor's sermons were uplifting and Cassie went away from the service feeling encouraged and hopeful. Today it took all her strength to just keep her gaze forward so at least it looked like she was paying attention. Unfortunately, she didn't want to hear a sermon about prayer. Her prayers apparently didn't work too well. God had only answered half of her prayer for Quinn to come home and not for their family to be reunited. She didn't want to think about why God would allow their family to fall apart, why He wouldn't answer her prayer.
Cassie was the first one out the door when the service ended. She said a quick goodbye to the pastor who once again stood at the doorway, promising to bring Quinn the next time they came to the cabin.
Even though she didn't feel very hungry Cassie stopped at a takeout restaurant and bought a bucket of chicken before heading back to Quinn and Jani.
The cabin was quiet when she arrived. Cassie set her Bible and the chicken on the table and went to the kitchen. From the small window she could see Quinn and Jani sitting on the rock. Had Quinn told Jani yet? Cassie hoped so. She didn't know how she would react if she had to be a part of that conversation.
Cassie watched as they sat close together talking and pointing at things out over the water. Theirs was a relationship that would not falter. Father and daughter. It was what Cassie had always hoped to see but somehow she'd been a part of that picture too, in her dreams. It hurt to be on the outside looking in.
Slowly Cassie turned from the window and began to get stuff ready for lunch. She had just set the chicken out when she heard steps on the front porch and looked up to see Jani and Q
uinn enter the house.
"Mama!" Jani smiled when she saw her and ran to give her a hug.
As Cassie embraced her daughter she looked at Quinn hoping he could read the question in her eyes. He gave a brief nod but his expression didn't change. Cassie wanted to ask Jani about it but instead took her daughter's small face in her hands and tilted it up for a kiss.
"Want some chicken? I stopped for it on my way home."
"Yum!" Jani scrambled onto her chair and leaned forward onto the table to smell it. "My favorite!"
In between bites, Jani chatted excitedly about the walk they had taken that morning. Her appetite all but gone, Cassie picked at her chicken waiting to hear her daughter say something about the news Quinn had given her. Instead it seemed she touched on every topic but that.
After they finished Cassie sent Jani to her room to finish packing up her things. When the little girl was out of earshot she leaned towards Quinn. "You did talk to her, right?"
Quinn nodded. "I told her I'd be staying with Aunt Renee when we got back."
"What did she say to that?"
"It didn't seem to faze her. She just asked if she could come over whenever she wanted to see me. I told her she could."
Cassie's heart sank. With Jani taking it this well there was no need for Quinn to even consider staying together as a family. Hoping the agony she felt in her heart wasn't evident on her face, Cassie stood and began to clear the table.
"I'll go start loading up the vehicle," Quinn said as he stood.
“Mama, I've got everything in my bag," Jani said, coming out of the small bedroom.
"Okay, sweetie. Give it to Daddy and he'll put it in the car."
In less than an hour the cabin was locked up and they were on their way back to the city. Cassie looked in her rearview mirror as they drove away and wondered if they would ever again create happy memories in the cabin. They rounded a corner and the cabin disappeared from her view, shrouded by trees. It seemed as if a door had just slammed shut on all the hopes and dreams she'd had. Cassie had no idea what lay ahead. All she knew was that she was very afraid.
Chapter Seven
"Do you want me to take you straight to Renee's?" Cassie asked as they neared the outskirts of the city.
"I think that would be best," Quinn said quietly.
The whole trip had been strained. Even Jani had given up chattering and fallen asleep. What was one supposed to say to a man who was her husband but didn't want to be, Cassie wondered. It seemed there were no words appropriate for that.
It wasn't long before they pulled up in front of Renee's house. Renee was clearly surprised when she opened the door and saw them standing there.
“Hey! What are you guys doing back? I thought you were out at the cabin for a couple of weeks?" Renee stepped back and waved with her hand. "Come on in."
“Hi, Sis," Quinn said and leaned down to kiss her cheek.
Cassie could feel Renee's gaze on her. She quickly bent to say something to Jani, fearing she'd burst into tears if she saw the questions in Renee's eyes.
"How's my little princess?" Renee asked as she gave Jani a hug.
When Cassie approached, Renee embraced her tightly. "What's up, Cass?" she asked softly in her ear.
Cassie kept her gaze down as Renee pulled back and looked at her. "You'll have to ask your brother." Tears were so near the surface. "I need to use your bathroom."
Renee released Cassie’s arms and nodded.
Cassie escaped down the hallway and, ignoring the bathroom on the first floor, went up the stairs to the small one off Renee's bedroom. Once inside she leaned back against the door, her breath coming in gulping sobs.
*****
Quinn didn't much care for the look on Renee's face. He'd seen that determined look before and it never boded well for him.
"Okay, now that Jani's settled watching her video why don't you tell me what's going on," Renee suggested as she sat in the chair across from Quinn. "You were supposed to be up at the cabin for a couple of weeks at least and yet here you are and it's not even been a week. Not to mention the fact that Cassie looks awful. What happened?"
How could he explain to her, Quinn wondered, what it was like to be dropped into a situation where everyone expected him to act one way because of who they thought he was?
"I'm waiting," Renee reminded him, her fingernails tapping rhythmically on the arm of the chair she sat in.
If it had been possible to get away without having to explain to her, Quinn would have done it but he needed her. More precisely, he needed somewhere to stay and hers was the cheapest place around.
"Things aren't working out how Cassie had hoped."
"How Cassie had hoped?" Renee asked, stressing Cassie's name. "I would have thought you had the same hopes. You've just come home after being held captive for several years and it's not your hope to reunite your family too?"
Quinn sighed. "It's more difficult than that, Renee. I've changed a lot in the years I was held hostage. I'm not the person Cassie fell in love with. I'm not the person she built her dreams for her future around."
Renee leaned back in her chair, her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "It's not like her dreams are that unreasonable, Quinn. She hoped that you'd be released and that you'd be together as a family again. I guess I don't see the problem."
"I don't think I'd make a good husband to Cassie right now. I lost a lot of things out there in the jungle and not all of them were material." Quinn rubbed his left hand where his wedding ring had once been. "I lost my faith in God. I lost the joy of living. I lost...love."
"Are you telling me you don't love Cassie anymore?" Renee asked, sadness in her eyes. "I didn't think that would ever happen. Your love for each other was rare and beautiful. It was something I looked for in every relationship I had. And never seemed to find. I can't believe that love is just gone." Suddenly her expression hardened. "You haven't tried hard enough. You need to go to counseling or something."
"Renee, for now I need a place to stay. What happens after that I don't know."
Quinn saw the set of Renee's jaw and wondered if she would actually refuse to let him stay with her. He sensed the war within her, her loyalty to Cassie as a friend versus her loyalty to him as her brother.
Renee stood and began to pace. "What about Jani? Have you told her about your decision to not live with them?"
Quinn nodded. "I talked to her earlier today. She took it really well."
"What did you tell her? Did you make promises you don't intend to keep?" Renee demanded.
"No. I told her that her mommy and I couldn't live together right now but that we still loved her. She said she had a friend like that and that she had lots of toys since she had two bedrooms. Jani wanted to know if she could still see me whenever she wanted. I told her yes."
Renee shook her head. "Life seems so simple when you're a child. And it's a sad state of the world when a child is so accepting of her parents not living together because she has friends that live a life like that. It should be the exception, not the norm."
Quinn had to agree. He'd never thought he'd be half of a separated couple. But you don't have to be. The thought popped into his mind but Quinn pushed it away. He didn't want to consider that option. It was just too hard for him and for Cassie.
"Okay, so you want a place to stay. How long are you going to need it?" Renee settled back into her chair.
Quinn shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not seeing much past the next twenty-four hours."
"Well, I hope at some point your next twenty-four hours include counseling and making things right with your wife."
"Renee..." Quinn began.
"Okay, I'm not going to push it. But it's clear I'm not going to be able to move any other request to the top of my prayer list. You're going to be staying right where you've been for the past six years." Renee looked sad for a moment. "Look Quinn, kidding aside. Well, I wasn't really kidding, you will be at the top of my prayer list, but a poor attempt at humor asi
de, you need to really think about what you're doing.
"Cassie doesn't deserve this. She has been through hell for the past six years never knowing if you were dead or alive. I can’t even being to count the number of phone calls she made on your behalf, to the Red Cross and any number of government officials. Anyone she thought could help bring you home.
“She wept her way through most holidays and special events. She put up a strong front for Jani but at the end of each day all she could talk about was how you might have spent your day. It hurt her deeply to think of how you must be suffering. All she ever wanted was to have you home and here you are. Home. And yet she's hurting more than ever. Think carefully what you're doing, Brother."
Renee didn't wait for his response before she got up and left the room.
Quinn stood and walked to the front window. He stared out at the street, his hands shoved into his pockets. Sometimes it was hard to remember that he wasn't the only one who had suffered during his ordeal. In his mind, Cassie had been safe and sound. He had known the mission would take care of her and get her out of the country to safety. Yes, he'd known it would be hard for her with them being separated but he just never really realized what she had gone through.
What Renee didn't understand was that he was doing this for Cassie's sake too. He wasn't the man she had married. They both needed time to adjust to that. And what happened after they adjusted only time could tell.
He knew Cassie’s heart was mission-oriented, as his had once been. Their whole future had been focused on their plan to spend the rest of their lives on the mission field. How could their marriage possibly work when one of them no longer saw that as part of their future?
The connection they’d had in their marriage had been physical and emotional but it had also been spiritual, strongly spiritual. They’d shared devotions and prayed together daily. With that connection broken, the physical and emotional connection seemed impossible.
Quinn braced a hand on the wall beside the window. He had no idea how to make things right. His heart just wasn’t in it. In more ways than one.
Faith Hope and Love Page 9