Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Time was passing quickly and it was hard for Cassie to believe that Quinn had been home almost a month. She’d been crying the last few nights but not because of anything Quinn had done but because her baby was going to be going to school.

  The night before school started Cassie and Jani argued over what the little girl would wear for her first day of school. Jani wanted to wear her prettiest, frilliest dress to mark the occasion. Cassie tried to convince her otherwise, all the while holding back tears at the thought of her baby going to school for the first time.

  Would there be other first days with other children? That was part of the pain. Jani’s first day of school may well be the first and last time Cassie experienced it.

  Trying to contain her pain, Cassie held up yet another dress. “How about this one? You always say how much you like it.”

  Jani cocked her head to the side and looked at the dress intently. “I still like this one better.” Jani ran her fingers over the lacy pink dress she held.

  Cassie sighed. She really didn’t want to get firm with her but this was getting ridiculous. “Okay, Jani, here’s the deal. You are not wearing that dress to school. I’m going to pick three dresses from your closet and you can choose from those three which one you want to wear, all right?”

  Cassie saw a flash of rebelliousness in Jani’s eyes but apparently she saw the determination in her mother’s eyes because the defiance faded and she nodded.

  Finally the dress was chosen to both their satisfaction. Cassie sent Jani into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

  “Having fun?” Quinn asked as he sauntered into the room.

  “Not really,” Cassie admitted as she hung up the dresses Jani had rejected. She went and sat on the bed, the jean jumper they’d agree on in her lap. “I didn’t think it would be this hard to have her go to school. It’s not like we have never been apart before. We’ve been apart during the day since I work and we were apart when I went to meet you but this is just...different. It’s a milestone, I guess. A major one.”

  Cassie could feel the tears welling up but didn’t want to cry in front of Quinn.

  “It’s my first major milestone with her,” Quinn said quietly. “It’s not easy for me either.”

  Cassie had forgotten that. In the midst of her emotional turmoil she’d forgotten that Quinn hadn’t been through the other growing up milestones. He’d missed her first step, her first word, the first time she’d said Dada.

  “Yes, our little girl is growing up.” Cassie sighed. Part of the emotion in this whole situation was not knowing if there would be any more children. She was suffering a baby ache in the worst way. It seemed every friend was pregnant; every co-worker was having a baby. She wondered if the ache would ever go away.

  “You’ve done a great job with her, Cassie.” Quinn sat down next to her on the bed. “She’s a wonderful kid.”

  “Well, I’ve had a lot of help. Renee’s been a great aunt and she got a good set of genes from her dad.” Cassie smiled at Quinn wishing with all her heart he would take her into his arms so she could have a good cry on his shoulder.

  “I’m done, Mama,” Jani announced as she exited the bathroom. “Hi Daddy!”

  “Hi, sweetheart. Ready for bed?”

  Jani nodded and climbed under the covers. She snuggled down into her pillow. “Are you going to be here tomorrow when I go to school?”

  “Of course. I’m coming over for Mama’s great pancakes and then we’ll all go to your school together. Sound like a good plan?”

  “Yep!” Jani held out her hands and Cassie and Quinn each took one.

  She prayed her normal prayer asking for the dog, the baby brother or sister but ended if off praying for her teacher and her new friends at school the next day.

  “Sleep well, honey,” Cassie said and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

  “I will, Mama. You too.” Jani gave Quinn a kiss and settled down to sleep.

  When she’d been upset or worried about things when they were first married, nighttime was when Quinn would hold her and listen to her worries and then pray for her. How she longed for that. She didn’t think she’d be able to fall asleep as quickly as Jani had.

  “Do you need me to do anything before I go?” Quinn asked once they were back downstairs.

  Cassie shook her head. “You’re planning to fix the door tomorrow?”

  “Yep. I’ll have to stop by the hardware store after we drop Jani off. Can I drop you off too so I can keep the car and do a few errands?”

  “I’m not going to work tomorrow. I figured I’d be too emotional and I want to pick her up from school.”

  “She’s going to do fine, Cassie. For the past week it’s all she’s talked about.”

  “I know. I’m not half as worried about her as I am about myself. That’s my baby going off to school!”

  “You’ll do fine too. Our moms survived sending us off, you’ll survive sending Jani off.”

  Cassie hoped so. Quinn didn’t see the bigger picture, the reasons why she was so emotional about sending Jani off. But in order to tell him about it, they’d have to have another relationship discussion and Cassie just wasn’t up to it.

  “I’ll be by in the morning,” Quinn said as he headed out the back door. “Try and get some sleep.”

  Cassie locked the door after him and then went to sit in the quiet of the living room. This was the hardest time of each day. It just felt so wrong for Quinn to leave each night.

  For a few moments Cassie thought about letting herself indulge in a little emotional outburst but decided against it. Crying only left her with a sore head, swollen eyes and an aching heart. And most likely she’d be shedding a few tears the next day.

  *****

  Morning came too soon as far as Cassie was concerned. She hadn't slept well at all and needed more makeup than usual to cover the dark circles under her eyes. Quinn arrived in time for breakfast that once again consisted of pancakes. Jani had chosen the meal since it was her special day.

  "Excited, kiddo?" Quinn asked Jani as they ate.

  Jani nodded causing her braids to dance on her back. "I can't wait to see my room. Mrs. Theissen was really nice when I saw her before."

  Cassie couldn't eat any of the breakfast since her stomach was in knots so she busied herself getting Jani's lunch ready. The brand new pink Barbie lunchbox had been Jani's first choice and it matched the pink Barbie backpack she'd also picked out.

  "Guess we'd better go," Cassie said a while later. "Don't want you to be late on your first day."

  Quinn carried Jani's backpack out to the SUV. Cassie locked up the house and followed Jani as she skipped down the sidewalk. Cassie was actually glad that Jani was so excited about school. It would have been harder if she'd been sending a kid to school who really hadn't wanted to go. At least it was only going to be hard on one of them.

  There were lots of cars parked on the streets around the school when they arrived. Quinn, who'd driven the SUV, found a parking spot and the three of them headed inside.

  Cassie spotted several familiar faces from church. Although the private school wasn't associated with her church it was a well-respected school and many from there sent their children to it.

  Having come for an open house for kindergarteners earlier in the year, Jani knew just where to go and danced ahead of them into the classroom. Cassie smiled and said hi to a few of the people she knew and followed Jani into the brightly lit room.

  "Hi, Mrs. MacIntyre, it's good to see Jani again," Mrs. Theissen said as she approached them, her hand extended.

  "She's excited to be here." Cassie shook her hand then turned to Quinn. "Mrs. Theissen, this is my...uh Jani's father, Quinn." Cassie hesitated to introduce Quinn as her husband since she still didn't know where their marriage stood. She didn't want people to get the wrong idea. "Quinn, this is Jani's teacher."

  The two shook hands while Cassie glanced around the room. Jani was circling the tables looking at the names that were taped to each t
able obviously looking for her own.

  "I found my name, Mama!" Jani exclaimed, motioning for Cassie and Quinn to join her.

  "I'll leave you to get her settled," Mrs. Theissen said with an understanding smile. She'd obviously been through more than one first day of school with kindergarteners. "You can hang her backpack over on the hook under her name. She can have her pencil box at the table with her."

  Cassie thanked her and took the pencil box out of the backpack and headed for Jani's table while Quinn hung up her backpack.

  Jani was sitting in her chair but didn't look at Cassie right away when she approached. Instead her gaze was on a little girl at the next table. She was a pretty little thing with blond curls and big blue eyes that were streaming tears. Her mother was trying to comfort her.

  "Why's she crying, Mama?" Jani asked, looking up at Cassie with concern in her eyes.

  Cassie knelt down beside Jani. "Some of the kids here today are a little scared. Maybe they haven't been away from their parents very much or maybe they're just scared because they don't know anyone."

  "I don't know anyone," Jani pointed out. "But I'm not crying."

  "Yes, you're being a very brave little girl. Maybe you can be friends with the kids who are scared."

  Before Cassie could say anything more Jani stood up and marched over to the little girl and her mother. Quinn came to stand next to her and together they watched their daughter offer her hand in friendship.

  "Hi. My name is Jani. What's yours?"

  The other little girl looked at Jani, her tears momentarily stopped. "Amy."

  "You don't have to be scared. I'll be your friend."

  Amy looked at her mother who smiled encouragingly at her. "See, sweetie, there are kids here who want to be your friend."

  "Let's go look at the books." Jani held out her hand and after a moment's hesitation, Amy took it. They walked off together, Amy looking over her shoulder at her mom only once.

  "I'm Gladys Silver." Amy's mom came to where they stood and held out her hand.

  "I'm Cassie MacIntyre and this is Jani's dad, Quinn."

  "It's nice to meet you." Gladys turned to look at the girls. "I'm very grateful for Jani's offer of friendship towards Amy. I have to say we've been dreading this day. We've both shed a lot of tears."

  Cassie gave her an understanding smile. "I've shed a few myself but it doesn't seem to be fazing Jani at all."

  "I stay home with Amy so she's never really been away from me for any length of time. This separation is going to be good, yet difficult, for both of us."

  "Do you have any other children?" Cassie asked.

  Gladys shook her head. "Nope, I was lucky to have Amy." She looked from Cassie to Quinn and back again. "Is Jani your only child as well?"

  "Yep. But I work so she's had lots of mommy-free time. You'd think I'd be used to it by now too but I guess not."

  Just then a bell rang and Mrs. Theissen went to the front of the room. "I'd like to welcome you all to kindergarten. I understand that this can be a difficult time for parents and children alike so today you're welcome to stay until you feel comfortable leaving your child. It will get easier, I promise."

  Jani had come back to her seat and was sitting primly with her hands clasped on the table in front of her. Amy was back in her seat as well and the tears were beginning to flow again. Cassie wondered if they could ask to have the girls at the same table but decided not to make waves on the first day.

  There were two other girls and two boys at Jani's table. A couple looked teary eyed but none were openly sobbing.

  "Mama, you don't have to stay. I'm gonna be fine."

  Cassie wanted to weep at Jani's words of assurance. She glanced at Quinn. "Do you want to go?"

  He shrugged. "It's up to you. Whenever you want."

  As much as Cassie wanted to stay she decided to let Jani take this step of independence. "Okay, sweetie, Mama and Daddy are going to go." Cassie bent and kissed Jani. "We'll be here when school is out to pick you up, okay?"

  "Okay."

  A couple other parents were also making their way out of the classroom so Cassie didn't feel like she was the only one leaving her child right away. There were still plenty of people in the hallway as she and Quinn walked towards the main doors. Neither of them said anything as they got into the car.

  "I'll drop you off and then head for the hardware store, okay?" Quinn suggested as he pulled away from the school.

  "That's fine." Cassie was eager to be alone so she could shed the tears she was struggling to hold back.

  After Quinn left her at the house Cassie went right up to her bedroom and threw herself down on the bed and let the tears come. It was so much more than it being Jani's first day and once the tears started, they didn't seem to want to stop. It seemed that her emotions regarding everything that was happening with Quinn were more than happy to lend themselves to the occasion and suddenly she was crying about it all.

  When the emotions finally passed Cassie lay on the bed spent. She didn't know how long she'd been lying there when there was a knock on her door. Quinn. She really didn't want to face him right then. For some reason she was reluctant to let him see any weakness on her part, but she couldn't just ignore him.

  Slowly she got up from the bed. Cassie rubbed a hand over her eyes knowing there was no way to hide the fact that she'd been crying. It would take some cold cloths and makeup in order to do that and there was no time with Quinn standing on the other side of the door.

  Reluctantly she opened the door.

  "Are you okay?" Quinn asked, concern evident in his eyes.

  "I'm fine. Just needed to have a cry."

  "The door was locked."

  Cassie turned and walked back into the room. Quinn followed her and Cassie realized this was the first time he'd been in their room. Or rather, the room that was supposed to have been theirs.

  "You don't have to lock the door to keep me out, Cassie. I would never barge in on you, disrupt your privacy."

  Tears once again hovered near the surface. She wondered what he'd think if she told him that she wanted him to disrupt her privacy. She wanted him to feel comfortable walking into their room but right then it seemed that would never happen. Any optimism she'd held over the past couple of weeks was vanishing under the weight of the emotion of the day.

  "I know. I just didn't want you to find me bawling my eyes out. Embarrassed, I guess." Cassie turned and saw Quinn looking around the room, taking it all in. She wondered what he thought of what he saw. She'd decorated it with him in mind but he'd never know that. The wall she was building around her heart to protect her vulnerabilities was getting thicker and thicker. If only she could read his mind. If only she had a clue of what he was thinking about their future.

  Chapter Ten

  Quinn looked around the room he'd never seen before. He'd been in every other room in the house but never Cassie's bedroom. Now that he was there, curiosity got the better of him. It was decorated in dark colors, burgundy and navy blue, not at all the feminine room he'd been expecting. It wasn't overtly masculine either but was a nice balance between the two.

  He spotted their wedding picture on Cassie's nightstand. It was amazing that it automatically came to him which side of the bed was Cassie's. They'd been apart longer than they'd been married but he remembered that. He looked at the nightstand on the other side of the bed and saw a book there, open and face down. He couldn't read the title but wondered why it was on the other side of the bed if it was Cassie's.

  Quinn glanced at Cassie and found her watching him. She looked at the nightstand and then back to him briefly before looking away, her cheeks flushed.

  "The book is yours. It's the one you were reading the night before you were taken." Cassie walked around to the stand and picked it up. She stood looking at it for a few seconds before closing it. Without meeting his gaze she handed it to him. "You can have it if you want. Maybe you've been wondering about the ending all these years."

 
Quinn took the book and looked at the cover. It was written by an author he had once enjoyed but hadn't thought about in years. He ran a finger over the cover suddenly flooded with memories.

  "Cassie?" Quinn leaned over to look at her.

  Last time he'd checked she'd been reading a book too but now lay sound asleep curled up on her side. It was so unusual for her to fall asleep like that; she must have been really tired. Since he had an early flight the next morning Quinn decided to go ahead and sleep as well.

  He put the book face down on the table next to the bed and switched off the lamp. Not wanting to wake Cassie but needing her close, Quinn moved over next to her and put his arm around her. Slowly he pulled her near, enjoying the subtle fruity scent of the shampoo she used. With her sleeping in his embrace, Quinn could finally relax and let himself drift off to sleep after saying a quick prayer for the activities of the next day.

  But the next day had held terror. For the first time in a long time Quinn experienced again the deep heart-wrenching pain he'd felt at the thought of never seeing Cassie again, of never holding her close. The pain caught him off-guard. He'd buried it so deep after that first year he hadn't ever thought he'd feel it again and yet there it was, just waiting to remind him of how devastated he'd been. The pain had been so deep only because the love had been that deep as well.

  "Um, I'd better get on with the door." Quinn handed the book back to Cassie. "You can keep this. I don't think I'll be finishing it any time soon."

  He spun on his heel and left the room, and hopefully the memories he'd experienced there. It was all too confusing.

  If Quinn had thought working on the door would distract him, he soon discovered he was wrong. Memories were flooding through the now open door in his mind.

  Quinn wielded the hammer fiercely, trying to pound away the emotion. How was he supposed to deal with this twist? As long as he could keep the feeling buried, as long as he didn’t feel the love, he could let Cassie go. It was the best thing for her. She deserved a man who stood by her side in all ways. He could stand beside her in all ways but one. Unfortunately, it was the most important one of all.