Just Joe ~ Jen Luerssen

by Luerssen, Jen

  “Normal,” Andrew says nodding. “Jen cursed like a sailor and her dirty talk was off the charts when she was pregnant with Mae.”

  “Are these really things we need to know about?” Frank asks. “Joe, did you not tell these losers how you feel about Betsy?”

  “Of course, he did,” Lia pipes in. “I just haven’t heard any updates lately. Everyone was sick and I was trying to stay away from patient X.”

  They all look at me expectantly. I sigh. “I’m in love with her and she wants nothing to do with it. She’s not ‘built that way.’” I use air quotes just to bother Frank.

  “I thought we had a talk about using air quotes, Joe. I get you’re hurting and sad but there’s no excuse man. I lost the love of my life and wouldn’t dream of using air quotes.”

  “Really, Frank? I think you’re focusing a little on the wrong things,” Lia says putting her hand on Frank’s arm. “Let’s hear him out and see if we can help his cause.”

  I feel bad. Frank and Mikey have been apart for weeks and he is beside himself. Sometimes you forget that Frank feels stuff because he basically has one mood—grumpy ass.

  “Give him a break, Lia, he’s missing his twin,” I say. “She’ll come to her senses, I’m not worried, Frank.”

  “I’m so relieved!” Frank says sarcastically. “If Joe thinks my one and only meaningful relationship will right itself, then my mind is at ease.”

  “You’re lashing out, Frank, and that’s okay, I feel you,” I say and pat his back. “I feel like smashing shit too right now. What Betsy and I have is special and I don’t want to give up on her but she’s pretty much told me she can’t give me what I want. I think she’s wrong.”

  Lia claps. “Ooh, classic fear of commitment. What was her childhood like?”

  “You might be reading too many romance books, Li Li. Although, she didn’t have an easy time growing up. Her parents were strict and they don’t approve of her 100% as an adult.” I think about all she’s told me about them and seeing how it would be hard to trust someone close to her. “She’s been disappointed by family and some friends. It’s had for her to get close to people. She told me that Jack and I are her first real friends she’s made in years. Which is a travesty for other people because they don’t get to know how special she is.”

  “Wow, you are really gone for her,” Andrew muses. “I’ve never seen you like this about any woman.”

  “So, are you sure she has feelings back or is this a Fucking Frank sitch?” Lia asks.

  “She has feelings,” I answer. “She wouldn’t kiss me like that if she didn’t. She wouldn’t be as upset as I am if she had no feelings for me. I’m not sure if they’re as deep but they do exist.”

  “Honestly, I think you should just freeze her out. Lay off texting, calling, leaving notes.” This advice from Andrew is borderline genius. “Let her experience life Joe-free and see how boring and unfulfilling it can be. Then, swoop in with the grand gesture and you’ll be golden.”

  I place my hand on my heart and smile at Andrew. “Aw, you think life without me is boring and unfulfilling?”

  “We all feel that way,” Lia chimes in. “You are our good time Charlie. You make everything more fun.”

  “Speak for yourselves,” Frank mumbles.

  “Thanks, guys. I love you too,” I say. “I’ll try to keep my pouting to a minimum and will start brainstorming grand gesture ideas.”

  “Remember, no texts, no calls,” Andrew says. “If she has feelings for you and just afraid to commit, it will work.”

  “What if she’s just Joe-averse?” Frank asks.

  Lia gasps and covers my ears. “Who the Frampton would be against my Joe here? He’s the bee’s knees, haven’t you felt his arms?”

  Frank gives her a death stare and she pats his knee. “Stop projecting, Franklepuss, we all know Mikey loves you. Now, let’s get this show on the road. Our first mini-tour!”

  My mood improves because I am excited for what’s to come with our tour. From here, we will travel up to Laguna Beach and then to LA. We got a van to rent here and will take it with us up the coast and then fly home from LA on Sunday morning early. It’s a good opportunity to test out Andrew’s theory. I’ve been texting with Betsy off and on and I’m now officially cutting her off. That doesn’t mean I can’t check up on her through Don or Jeannette. I got Jeannette’s number when Betsy was sick and she sends me funny memes all the time. She asked me point blank if I was in love with Betsy and I told her the truth. Her response was to have patience. So now I’m making like Axl Rose and trying not to be miserable.

  The San Diego shows are packed with people and an overall fun time. We head up to Orange County on Friday and play at a Holiday Inn that is the coolest version of a Holiday Inn that’s ever existed. The show is a success and I sit with Lia at the bar after. She has a giant virgin daiquiri and I have a giant fully leaded daiquiri.

  “How’s the belly, Li Li?” I ask. She’s not showing yet but she holds her lower abdomen a lot in habit.

  “Belly baby is good. I’ve got the morning sickness under control so that’s been better. I’m just excited for this step. So is Javi.”

  “It’s going to be great. Uncle Joe is ready to babysit whenever you need,” I say.

  “You would be my first choice,” she says patting my cheek. “Javi’s mom is already asking when I’m going to quit my job. She told me that children who go to daycare end up going to state schools.”

  “Oh shit, didn’t you and her son go to a state school?”

  “Yes, and of course she blames his father divorcing her for that.” Lia makes a face and then speak in a shrill voice with an accent. “Children from broken homes usually go to community college, my son is exceptional so I no worry.”

  “That is a creepily accurate imitation of her. I’m sorry she gives you such a hard time.” I’ve met Javier’s mom a few times and she is not a kind person. Sometimes it seems like she saves all her kindness just for her son. She is not a fan of Lia’s despite her general awesomeness. “I’m proud of you for putting up with that.”

  “My Javi is worth the two times a year we have to be in her presence. I know she’s a miserable person and the majority of her misery has nothing to do with me. I try to be empathetic.” She sips her drink and turns to me, leaning on her hand. “Tell me about Betsy.”

  “Well, first of all, you are a better man than I am, I’d not be able to deal with her with the grace that you do,” I say because it’s true. Lia is one of a kind and everyone who meets her falls a little in love with her.

  She shrugs like it’s nothing. “If I let her get to me then she’d win. She is trying to get a rise out of me. The only time it worked was when we got engaged and I puked on her because of my appendix.”

  “I bet your water breaks all over her or something,” I joke and she gives me a horrified look.

  “Okay, let’s change the subject. The subject you are avoiding,” she says flicking her straw at me.

  “It’s going to sound weird but when I first met Betsy, I knew something big was happening.” I pause. I know Lia had a similar moment with Javier so she gets it. “When I saw her dance, I knew I was done for. I can’t wait for you to meet her, she’s like you, she has that magic when she’s performing. You can’t take your eyes off her.”

  “That’s sweet, Joe. You know half of those people come to see you hot boys behind me.” I laugh because it’s not even remotely true. We’d be just a trio of chumps without Lia. “You don’t believe me?” she asks and holds up her finger. “Hold on.”

  She takes out her phone and pushes a few times to get what she wants. It’s our video. She scrolls down and finds a comment and shows it to me.

  “I wouldn’t say no to being the meat in a Joe and Frank sandwich.” She finds another. “I’m miserable now because my vibrator is broken and I have to use my hand to get myself off to the sexy ass guitarist.”

  “Wow, that’s graphic,” I say and she shows me a few more th
at objectify Frank, Andrew and me.

  “I’m thinking of changing our name to Lia and her Man Candy, what do you think?”

  “Has a nice ring to it,” I say. “I’m sure Frank will love it.”

  We laugh together and I’m suddenly so grateful for my friends. I know how lucky I am, I just have to show Betsy how wonderful choosing your friend family feels. I’m starting to get an idea.

  Just Salty Sebass

  WE FLY BACK EARLY ON Sunday after playing an awesome show in LA. The crowd was wild and the swing dancing was intense. We don’t always have people dancing at our shows, but some clubs have us play solely so people can dance. It’s great fun. Not so fun having to get up at six the next morning to catch a flight but it is a part of life on the road.

  “Ugh, we don’t have to be at the winery until this afternoon, why are we on such an early flight?” Lia asks, apparently forgetting she’s the one that booked our flights.

  “Just in case something goes wrong, I guess,” I answer and look at Frank who is sitting next to me. He’s not looking forward to going back to the Thirsty Monkey because it’s where he and Mikey met and fell in love. Sebastian promised him she won’t be there but I can see that it would still be painful. “Or just to irritate yourself.”

  “Ugh, I do irritate myself on the daily,” she says trying to get comfortable in the small seat next to me. “I can’t believe I’m this uncomfortable and I’m not even really pregnant yet.”

  “Here. Take my pillow and use my fleece to keep warm,” I hand her these items and help her get situated.

  She tears up. “Joe, you’re the best, okay? If Betsy can’t handle that she’s a dummy.”

  “Thanks, Li Li,” I say smiling as I tuck my fleece jacket around her.

  * * *

  We ride up to the Thirsty Monkey together in Andrew’s roomy SUV and everyone is pretty quiet during the hour-long trip. We are tired from the southern California trip and it’s nice to just stare out the window and enjoy the beauty that is Marin and Sonoma. When we pull up, we are greeted by Seawitch, a beautiful golden retriever that is the winery’s dog. Since we spent a few months here, she recognizes us and is jumping like a kangaroo at our arrival.

  “Witchy-poo, calm down!” Lia coos, scratching behind the dog’s ear to get her to chill.

  Sebastian and a very petite dark-haired woman dressed in skinny jeans, cowboy boots, and a black coat is with him. She looks very young but it might be because she’s so small in stature. She has a warm welcoming smile but when Sebass puts his hand on her elbow she pulls back quickly and frowns.

  “Hey guys, so good to see you,” Sebastian says as he reaches us, and we exchange bro hugs and handshakes. “This is our intern, Kit.” He turns to her. “Kit, this is Joe, Lia, Andrew, and Fucking Frank.” He gestures to each of us and we all greet her in kind.

  “Nice to meet you all. I was disappointed to have missed your residency this past summer, so I’m happy I get to see you tonight.” Her voice is low and raspy and not at all fitting of her small size. I watch Sebastian as she speaks and he is staring at her like she’s a whole snack. I’ve known him for a long time and he is a stand-up person but he’s a dick to women he likes romantically. Frank and I have tried to figure it out because it went against how he was with women who were friends and everyone else. Our best guess was he was petrified of his feelings and so he tried to push them away instead of encouraging them. It has backfired on him since some women dig assholes.

  I can tell he really likes Kit because he gives her a look and then says this: “Don’t worry, Kit is 25 even though the looks like she’s still in high school.”

  Lia smacks the back of Sebastian’s head and we all laugh. “What the fucking Phil Collins is wrong with you?”

  This gets a wide smile from Kit as Sebastian rubs his head. “Thanks for that. I’m not at the violence point with Salty here, but it’s close.”

  Our collective eyebrows go up at the nickname. If I had to describe Sebass, I wouldn’t think to use salty. He is a pretty basic dude. We all met in our high school that specialized in the arts. Frank and I were there for music and Sebass was there for art. He graduated from Stanford with an art degree and a business degree. He’s a lot like Jack, an evil genius, and tends to be serious, but not salty. When he opened the winery, I’ve never seen him happier and still is. Over the summer he was a genial host, greeting everyone who he met with genuine interest and warmth.

  “Salty, eh?” Andrew asks. “Has our Sebass been mistreating his employees since we were last here or does he just have a massive crush on you?”

  Everyone with the exception of Sebastian laughs, even Kit. Oh shit, he’s in trouble with this one. Her blue eyes narrow at him and he shrugs. “I treat her like I treat everyone else,” he mumbles.

  “So, Joe here is in love with a client and she can’t stand him,” Frank says, changing the subject and I can’t be too mad at him, Sebastian was looking miserable. I’m cornering him later to get the deets though.

  “It’s true, I have finally caught Frank’s dreaded unrequited love disease.” Frank punches my arm and I flex. “We are formulating a plan to get her back on the Joe train, though, so I’m not too worried.” I’m totally worried but fake it ’til you make it, right?

  “Let’s get you guys all set up and then we can drink some wine and you can catch me up on all your pathetic love lives,” Sebass says and we grab our gear and follow him into the main building.

  After we are set up, it’s mild enough for November that we are able to sit outside at the long table and enjoy some wine and cheese. Kit tells us she’s going to have some down time before the party and retreats to one of the live-in cabins.

  The minute she is out of earshot we are on poor Sebastian. “How did you find her?” Lia asks.

  “Where did she come from?” Frank says at the same time.

  “Yes, what they said,” I chime in for good measure and to be extra obnoxious.

  Sebass sighs and smiles at us. “Mikey hired her and it’s been the best and worst thing ever.”

  “Why the worst?” I ask because we all know the best. Kit is gorgeous, smart, and funny. “You’re awesome and Kit is fucking rad. What’s the issue?”

  “That she is,” he agrees. “Except I’m her boss and me having a boner for her is extremely inappropriate.”

  “Pretty sure you wielding your boner at anyone would be deemed inappropriate. You’re the owner though, can’t you make an exception of yourself?” Lia asks.

  “Is that why you’ve been salty to her?” Andrew asks. “That’s your nickname forever now, you know.”

  “I figured as much when you all took your phones out at once to change my name in your contacts,” Sebastian says and laughs. “I’m way too old for her and I’m sure she pretty much hates me anyway. I mean, you heard me say shit while she was there, I can’t help myself.”

  “I blame that birch, Wendy, for fucking you up,” Lia says. Shortly after we met Lia, Sebastian caught his long-time girlfriend, Wendy, giving a guy a blow job in a car parked in front of their apartment. “You were your lovely, kind, and gentlemanly self with her and she betrayed you horribly. Since then you’ve been a prick to every woman you’ve gotten a half chub for.”

  “It’s called a defense mechanism,” Frank chimes in. Everybody is a fucking therapist when it comes to the other person’s problems, conveniently ignoring their own. The whole band is guilty of it, most of all me. “He’s a jack wagon to every lady he likes so he doesn’t have to get hurt.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Fucking Frank,” Sebass says with a chuckle. “You’re mostly right. Kit really is off limits though. She’s training to be the new wine maker’s assistant and so she’s not even temporary like a regular intern. I’m partially responsible for whether she gets a really awesome job. I can’t fuck that up for her and if I make a move on her it will most definitely fuck it up. It’s already mostly fucked up anyway.” As he says this, he mumbles something we can’t hear because
he puts his head in his hands.

  “Enough about Salty, let’s talk about Joe and Betsy,” Lia says clapping her hands together. “I love it, all my boys are on the road to love.”

  “Yet not one of us is technically with anyone,” Frank says because he’s a fucking Debbie Downer realist. “Mikey won’t talk to me and Betsy and Joe are apart. If this is the road to love it’s very poorly paved.”

  “Steamrollers are coming, Frankenfooter, fear not.” Lia dismisses him with a wave. “Oh shit,” she says an idea dawning in her eyes.

  “Evil is brewing, my friends, everyone run,” I say and everyone but Lia laughs.

  Just a Man with a Plan

  WHILE WE’VE BEEN AWAY, I’VE been texting with Don, which is an adventure. He said Betsy is doing well but that she seems off. He said he made her some avocado toast in her toaster oven and she only ate half. Now, this isn’t necessarily alarming, but Don is good at making avocado toast so maybe she’s so despondent she can’t eat. He’s mostly no help though, just telling me what she’s wearing that day, or about the “bougie” drapes she picked for the living room and that she spends a lot of time in her room listening to those darn oldies.

  We get home from Sonoma Monday morning. I decide to stay home and work on some bid proposals and paperwork Marisol has been bugging me to go over and sign. It’s a lot of work and since I’m trying Andrew’s angle, I tell her just to take me off the Carter project for now. Most of the important decisions have been made, it’s just a matter of doing the work and I have a talented team I pay to be able to handle it all without me. Looking over our earnings from the time I was away, it seems they can more than handle it. It was our best quarter in a while. A few years ago, I’d feel insecure about that. Now I feel relieved. Relieved that I can play more music, leave town here and there and not have to worry.

  I spend the week just working and playing music. We are going to Eugene and then on to Portland this weekend. There’s no place I love more than the Pacific Northwest. Jack and I have taken many camping trips up the coast and it’s the most beautiful scenery I’ve experienced. Eugene is a quaint college town with a crunchy granola feel and Portland is like a mini version of what San Francisco used to look like when I was young.