This Very Moment

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  “I’m not too sure I believe in God.” Bill took a second helping of Kylee’s roast.

  There was a lengthy silence and then Mauro asked. “Why?”

  “Well, what proof do you have that He exists?”

  Mauro straightened up in his chair and took the challenge. “What proof do you have that He doesn’t?”

  “Crime, hate, abuse, children going hungry,” Bill replied dryly. “The list goes on.”

  “What about the beauty in the world? How about love, sacrifice, and the good things that go on? How about the intricate workings of the universe? Could that perfect system be an accident?” Mauro’s voice showed amazement. “As an educated man you know how unlikely that would be.”

  “It could happen in such a big universe.”

  “Still not likely,” Mauro insisted. “The odds are too incredible.”

  Bill shrugged. “I have a brother who’s a Christian, and we’ve talked about this many times. I believe there are many solar systems in our galaxy that have planets with conditions to sustain life, and that there are many more in other galaxies across the universe. Life on this planet isn’t so difficult to believe.”

  “It is if you know what’s involved. It’s almost impossible.” Mauro stared intently at Bill. “We require exact conditions—air, water, heat, light. Not to mention how we got on the planet in the first place. The whole evolution idea simply hasn’t been proven. There’s still the missing link.”

  “I didn’t say the life on other planets would be human.” Bill’s mouth twitched with a hint of a smile. “They could breathe methane gases for all I know.”

  “Bill watches a lot of Star Trek,” Kylee interjected, hoping to diffuse the building strain.

  “I do,” Bill admitted. “But that doesn’t mean other species don’t exist out there. Even your Bible says that God created man in His image. By that explanation, He could have created other sentient life forms that weren’t man, couldn’t He?”

  Mauro chuckled. “I never thought of it that way. I can only tell you how I feel, that man here was created by God in His image.”

  “I don’t believe anyone created them. If there is a divine being or beings, it’s hard to imagine they would waste time doing it.” Bill’s words were polite, but firm. Guests or no, he wasn’t backing down.

  “We’re His children. That’s why God is concerned with us. It’s not a waste of time for Him,” Mauro said.

  Kylee coughed loudly. “That’s enough of that topic, I think. We’ll just have to agree to disagree. Anyone want dessert?”

  “I do,” Suzy replied, casting Kylee a grateful glance. “I’ll help you dish it up. But before I do, I have to tell you, Bill, that your Christmas decorations are simply beautiful. Especially compared to that array at Kylee’s. Have you seen her place since she put up the decorations?”

  Bill grinned. “Where the Christmas bomb exploded? Yeah, I’ve seen it.”

  “And that tree with all the masking tape . . .”

  The tension between them dissolved, but Kylee felt like crying. She loved Bill, yet they could share none of the things Suzy talked about. No Sunday worship, no discussion of blessings, no joint prayer. As she taught their children about God, would he teach them to rely on the arm of flesh? When they faced tragedy, would they continue in faith or run away to another country and change their names?

  She hardly noticed as lunch ended and Suzy and Mauro made ready to leave, full of thanks and compliments for the meal. “I’ll meet you back at your apartment later tonight,” Suzy said.

  “Don’t wait up for her,” Mauro added.

  Suzy laughed. “Oh, no you don’t. I have to be in before ten. Remember, we both have early flights in the morning.”

  After they left, Kylee picked up a handful of dishes and walked slowly into the kitchen, still deep in thought. Bill followed with another stack. “Nice people,” he commented.

  Kylee put a plate in the dishwasher and said nothing.

  “They’ll be good together, don’t you think? Especially since they both work for the airlines.”

  Kylee rinsed off bits of potatoes sticking to a glass serving bowl.

  “We’ll have to get together with them again sometime.”

  She set another place in the dishwasher, a little too forcefully.

  “What’s wrong, Kylee?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Tell me.”

  “I said nothing.”

  “You said nothing was wrong, but your actions are saying something else.” He left his dishes on the counter and put his arms around her. “I think we’re both adult enough to be honest. What happened? I thought lunch went well.”

  “It was all the talk about God,” she said, seeing that he wasn’t going to let it go.

  “I didn’t offend them. It was just a discussion.”

  “I know, but it made me think how you would explain God to any children you might have.”

  “So?”

  “I believe in God, and I want my children to know Him.”

  “So teach them to believe in God.”

  “I’m not sure teaching my children to believe in God would do any good if their father didn’t believe.”

  Bill was quiet and she wondered if she was moving too fast, if she’d misinterpreted his intentions toward her. Well, better that she understand now rather than later.

  “Think of it as giving them a choice,” he said finally.

  She broke away from his grasp and stepped away. “I can’t see it like that. How can you teach children to be honest or moral if you don’t teach them to believe in God? If God doesn’t exist, then why be moral at all?”

  “I’m honest. I’m moral. I don’t jump into the sack with every woman I date.” His voice was hard. “And believe me, I’ve had the opportunity.”

  Kylee stared at him in frustration. “But you had a good upbringing, didn’t you? Your parents were faithfully married and they believed in God. Religion helps children with the choices they’ll have to make. Life’s hard enough as it is.”

  “So you’re saying you won’t marry me because our children won’t have a good sex education?”

  “Marry you?” Despite the growing numbness in her heart, Kylee seized on the words. “You never said anything about marriage.”

  “Well, we’re talking about children, our children, aren’t we? I guess I thought my intentions were obvious. Yes, I want to marry you. It’s driving me crazy not to be with you.” His arms tightened as he bent his head, kissing her softly on the cheeks, throat, and mouth. Kylee wanted to succumb to the emotions surging in her heart and body, but there was too much at stake.

  “I might be difficult to live with,” Bill said in her ear. “I haven’t had a roommate since I came to America, but I can adjust. I promise to make things work. I love you, Kylee, and I want to marry you. I waited years to marry Nicole, but I waited too long. I don’t want to wait now. I want to take advantage of the years we have left. We never know what might happen.”

  Kylee broke away. “What might happen? See, there it is again. I want to be married forever. I don’t want to settle for this life and, poof, nothing more. Heaven does exist, Bill, and I want to be with you.”

  “Then marry me, and if there’s a heaven we’ll go there together.”

  “If you don’t believe in a heaven, how can you go there with me?”

  “We’ll just go.”

  “Going to heaven takes more effort than that! How do you expect to live with a Master you don’t know and haven’t served?”

  “Haven’t served?” Color tinged his face. “I’ve always done what I think is right! I’m even to the point where I can help the children you represent, not just because I love you, but because I’m willing to risk their disappointment and their hopes. I’ve opened my heart. Not served! I have served. Even you have to admit that.”

  “Yes,” she said miserably. “I know you have. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, and that’s why I don’t u
nderstand why you don’t have faith.”

  “Faith never got me anywhere,” he answered bitterly.

  “It might have helped you face Nicole’s death.”

  “I have you for that, don’t I?” There was a note of desperation in his voice that tore at Kylee’s heart.

  “I can’t be everything to you, Bill. I want to be, but I can’t. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I have to make the right decision for me and my future children. I love you, but I can’t marry a man who doesn’t believe in God. I can’t.”

  Kylee fled from the kitchen, snatching her purse from the hat rack by the door. Tears fell so quickly that she couldn’t see where she was going.

  “Don’t leave!” Bill called after her. “How do you know that running away is the right choice? Maybe your God wants you to stay.”

  But she continued her flight, afraid that if she looked into his face once more, she wouldn’t have the courage to leave. Ever.

  She hopped into her car and drove until she was sure he hadn’t followed. Then she pulled to the side of the road and rested her head on the steering wheel. “I’ve waited too long to find someone as special as Bill,” she whispered forlornly. “I don’t know what to do.”

  * * * * *

  Bill slept on the couch that night. He was angry. No, furious. And mad and hurt. He’d planned to propose later in the week on Christmas, but he already had an answer. Kylee had betrayed him by allowing him to love her, by allowing him to pledge his life to her, only to run away. I’ve lost her because of God, he thought. He almost laughed at the irony, but it was too painful.

  Thoughts of revenge entered his mind, something akin to refusing to do Jeffery’s surgery unless she married him, but his pride wouldn’t condone such an act. Besides, she might agree that he shouldn’t be involved with the surgery, and then where would he be? Dolefully, he stared at the Christmas decorations and shook his head. He hadn’t felt so alone since the day Nicole had died on the train.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  When Bill arrived at the Plaza the next morning, he was greeted by Christmas music and bright decorations, and he had to stifle his urge to rip everything down and haul it out to the trash. Barbara, one of the nurses on duty, took him aside. “Jeffery and his grandfather are here. They’ve been waiting a half hour already. They must really be anxious.”

  Bill glanced at his watch. No, he hadn’t overslept. “Have the people from 60 Minutes showed up?”

  “Not yet, but they called. They’re on their way.”

  Then Bill asked the question to which he craved an answer, “Has Ms. Stuart called?”

  “No.”

  Feeling dejected, Bill went into his office and sat at the desk. He knew Kylee would be here shortly to support Jeffery, and they would have to face one another. But what was left to say? She’d made her choice. Even if he could convince her to marry him, he had no guarantee that she would remain with him.

  You know her better than that, a voice said in his head, but Bill wasn’t sure. He didn’t want comfort. He wanted to keep poking at his wounded heart until it was so numb he couldn’t feel any more pain.

  Barbara appeared in the open doorway. “60 Minutes is here, and I’ve got Jeffery in the room. He wants to see you before he goes under.”

  Bill nodded and climbed to his feet. In the prep room, a camera man stood unobtrusively in the corner. “So are you ready?” he asked Jeffery, pasting a smile on his face.

  The boy grinned faintly. “I think so.”

  “You’re not nervous, are you?”

  The grin grew larger. “I guess I am.”

  Mr. Rivers stood near his grandson, a wrinkled hand on his shoulder. “Don’t you worry, Jeff. You’re in good hands with Dr. Dubrey. Ms. Stuart says he’s the best. He’ll get you fixed up good.”

  “I’ll do my best,” Bill assured them. “Our burn specialist, Dr. Bond, will be here too. Now I’m going to wash up while they get you ready.” He started to leave.

  Jeffery’s hand grabbed Bill’s before he could walk away. “What if that ain’t good enough?” he asked. “Your best, I mean.”

  Bill turned back to the child, who stared at him with wide eyes. “It will be. Don’t worry.”

  The boy glanced at his grandfather and then back at Bill, his ruined face innocent and helpless. “I know you’re a good doctor and that you’ll do good, but could you do something else for me?”

  Bill stifled the irritation before it showed in his face. This experience was a new and scary thing for Jeffery, and he obviously needed any reassurance his doctor could give. “Sure, Jeff. I’ll do it, if I can.”

  “Promise?”

  Bill tried not to smile at his seriousness. “As long as it’s not against the law and it’s something I can do. Sure, I promise.”

  “Then could you say a prayer before you start? Gran’pa says that the good Lord knows a lot of stuff that we don’t and maybe He can help make everything work out.”

  “I don’t think—” Bill broke off. It wasn’t up to him to tell Jeffery that if God existed, He was certainly too busy to care about such a small, insignificant thing as a burned child. So what could Bill say to Jeffery’s request? What would he tell Jeffery if he were his son? What would Kylee tell him?

  The thought made Bill’s heart ache with uncertainty. Kylee believed that faith, especially the faith of a child, was a special thing. If it really was—and he trusted her judgment—could he destroy it? As a doctor, he knew that a patient’s psychological outlook was directly connected to his well-being. But what if that child were well? Would the knowledge that God didn’t care about anyone, much less a child, extinguish the light in a child’s eye? Would the child ever be the same?

  The answers to these last questions wouldn’t help him with Jeffery.

  Mr. Rivers’ eyebrows were drawn together tightly as though he wished he could make Jeffery take back the question. Not because he was embarrassed by it, but because he feared what Bill would say to his grandson.

  “Well, sure,” Bill answered at last. “I’ll say a prayer.” He gently extracted the boy’s hand from his own. “You just relax and do what they tell you while I wash up. The next time you see me, the surgery will be over and you’ll be well on your way to recovery. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  Bill left and after a short time Barbara followed, her face twisted in an amused smirk. “You pray? This I’ve got to see.”

  Bill snorted. “Yeah, right.”

  Her manner suddenly changed. She placed her hand firmly on her ample hips, and as she spoke her slight southern accent intensified. “You have to do it, you know. You promised, and in the two years I’ve worked here, I’ve never seen you break a promise. Goodness, Bill, it’s just a prayer. You’d think he asked you to jump off the Empire State Building. Such a simple thing to give that poor child.” She stalked off in disgust, leaving Bill in no doubt as to the strength of her feelings.

  “What’s gotten into her?” he muttered. He strode purposefully to the sink and scrubbed his hands vigorously, Barbara and Jeffery’s words bouncing through his mind. He washed his hands three times before he finally made up his mind. “I did promise Jeff, and it can’t hurt.”

  Bill turned off the water and walked down the hall to his office. He shut the door. On second thought, he locked it. At first he was going to mumble a few words to get it over with, but he had never been one for doing things partway. He had made a promise, and he would keep it.

  Feeling utterly stupid, he knelt by his chair. A fleeting memory of his mother came to mind, and how she had knelt with him by his bed each night when he was a child. “We kneel to show our submission,” she had said in answer to his question. “So that He knows we respect His will, whatever that may be. And also so He knows we are thankful for everything He has given us.”

  “If He’s God, shouldn’t He know already?” Bill had asked her.

  “Yes, dear, but it helps us to tell Him, so we recognize how good He’
s been to us, and so that we will continue to choose good, which will make us happy. You see, everything God requires of us is for our benefit, not His. We are His children and He loves us.”

  Though he’d loved his mother, Bill almost rolled his eyes at the memory. Instead, he closed them and began his prayer. “Jeff wants me to pray so I’m doing it. If someone hears this and even gives a—I mean if you care—you could help me help him during the surgery. He’s a special kid, and he’s had a tough life so he deserves it. That’s it.”

  He knew it wasn’t a good prayer, but it was his first since Nicole had died. The intense warmth he had felt twice before in the past weeks entered his body, leaving him wondering. What was this feeling? He wished it would never stop.

  There was a knock at the door, and he lumbered awkwardly to his feet, expecting the feeling to leave, but it didn’t.

  “Ms. Stuart is here,” Barbara said. “She’s with Jeff. Dr. Bond is also here. Shall I tell them you’re ready?”

  “Yes, I’ll be right there. I have to scrub again.”

  She gave him an odd look, but Bill only met her gaze silently until she turned and vanished down the hall. He wasn’t about to satisfy her curiosity. Somehow he felt that doing so would soil the new warmth in his soul. He didn’t pretend to understand the odd feeling, but he wasn’t prepared to let it go.

  Bill saw Kylee only briefly before the surgery. She was leaning down, whispering something in Jeffery’s good ear. The boy was nearly asleep, but his lips curled in a smile before forming words Bill couldn’t hear. For a moment Bill watched Kylee, her green eyes standing out against the short blond hair. Her slightly upturned nose matching those adorable dimples on her cheeks—dimples that today were almost as nonexistent as her smile. Even so, she was full of life, youth, and exuberance, and he loved her.

  She looked up and her gaze met his. Emotion flowed between them, silent, fierce, and all-consuming. Then Barbara appeared and ushered both Kylee and Mr. Rivers from the room.