Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  She took Sofia’s hand. “You’re okay. That’s the main thing. Doctor says plenty of fluids, no more fasting, lots of rest, and definitely no more energy drinks.”

  “I can’t rest. I’m about to go to on tour for chrissakes.”

  “We know.” Her mom looked sideways at Felix. “But doctor’s orders are doctor’s orders, Sofi. Felix has already canceled the week of promos in England and we can see how you are, but we might have to postpone the first few dates of the tour too.”

  “No. I don’t want that. I need this tour to sell the album and I’ve worked hard to get ready.”

  “I know. We sent out a press release. Check Instagram later. You’ll see all the get well wishes. No one blames you, no one at all. And as soon as you’re better you can hit the road.” Her mom sounded so cheerful about it all, but Sofia had been around long enough to know what a disaster this was. One look at Felix’s face was enough to confirm it. The album was under-performing, and this tour was important to create some buzz around it, especially overseas.

  The headache kept pulsing behind her eyes. She closed them, suddenly wanting to sleep again. “Can I get something for this headache? And maybe something to eat? I’m starving.”

  Her mom nodded, hurrying from the room.

  Sofia beckoned Felix to come a little closer. “How bad is it?” She understood that he wouldn’t sugarcoat it. He never had. In that moment, she remembered clearly him telling her that the rest of the band would hate her for leaving. She hadn’t quite believed him, but she should have. He’d been right.

  “It’s okay. It’s happened before. There’ll be a lot of coverage, a lot of speculation. You’re lucky that your image is so wholesome—no one’s going to think it’s an addiction.” He smiled at her with affection. “There’s a video though, there’s always a fucking video. Someone near enough, and with a camera phone good enough, to capture the moment you…” He made a toppling motion with his arm. “It’s already out there. Websites, entertainment channels. But the coverage is mostly sympathetic. Blaming the pressures of the business, the punishing schedules. A few snarky comments about you working too hard to try to stay at the top, saying you were crash dieting because you’re overweight, blah blah.” Felix waved his hand dismissively.

  Sofia nodded, her eyes closing involuntarily. She had been working hard to stay at the top. What else was she going to do? Her career was all she had. She was too tired to feel sad about it, to feel sorry for herself. She felt sleep drifting in and let herself give in to the welcome blankness of it.

  * * *

  Maddie had the TV on in the background as she reworked her sketches, now accompanied by hyper realistic 3D diagrams of the house on her laptop screen. At the stroke of her touchpad, she could move around the inside of Sofia’s house without leaving her chair and paint the walls any color she wanted at the touch of a fingertip. She always preferred to do the actual designing with pencils and paper, but seeing the house in this detail was helpful. It didn’t take away the need to go back there and try out the actual materials on site, but the technology made things easier.

  She lifted her eyes from the sketchpad in time to catch a close-up of Sofia’s face on her TV followed by a picture of a large hospital. She grabbed the remote and turned up the sound just in time to hear the newscaster talk over a badly lit video clip of someone seeming to fall over on a stage.

  “We’re told Ms. Flores will be kept in Atlanta General Hospital overnight for observation and hopes to be released tomorrow. Her representatives aren’t talking to the media, but they have put out a statement asking for privacy and making clear that Ms. Flores is fine and simply had an allergic reaction to some painkillers she had taken.”

  Maddie put down the remote as the channel moved on to something else. She picked up her phone. All the entertainment websites were running the story of Sofia collapsing onstage at the VMAs and being rushed to the hospital.

  She felt a wave of panic wash over her. She tried to take comfort from the news report suggesting Sofia was fine and was being kept overnight for observation only. But she knew that her management would say that regardless of whether she was okay or not. The thought pricked her into action. She had Sofia’s number—they had exchanged a couple of very business-like texts about the house—so maybe it wouldn’t be all that intrusive to send her a message asking if she was okay. It was the kind of thing an old friend would do.

  She typed out a text. Short, nothing that would require much of a reply. Letting Sofi know she was thinking about her. She almost deleted it. And then she figured that, if the situations were reversed, she’d be happy to get a text from Sofi. She’d feel cared for, feel seen. She tried not to think about the absence of that in her life as she pressed Send.

  She crossed to the kitchen to get a drink and heard the ping as a text hit her phone. It was from Sofia and she was happy that she was well enough to text right back.

  This is Rosa. I have Sofia’s phone. We’re trying not to stress her with all the messages she’s been getting. It’s kind of you to text but she doesn’t need to hear from her decorator right now. I’m sure you understand

  Ouch. It wasn’t quite a “back the fuck off” because Rosa was far too polite to use the words, but the sentiment was pretty clear. And calling her the decorator was a nice touch. Maddie sighed. Rosa was right though. Sofia didn’t need to hear from her. She shouldn’t try to act like a friend when they were practically strangers. She went back to her work with a heavy feeling in her chest.

  Chapter Seven

  Lying on her couch, Sofia checked social media for the hundredth time that morning. The video of her fainting was everywhere, and while the coverage was mostly sympathetic, she’d been annoyed to see the hand of Felix behind several stories claiming that Noah was going to interrupt his own tour to fly to Miami to care for her. That was the last thing she needed. But of course they would turn even her illness into a PR opportunity. Why was she surprised?

  Except it wasn’t even an illness. It was self-inflicted stupidity. She was driving herself too hard because she didn’t know how to stop, and she hadn’t been eating properly because she hated being called fat. And she’d replaced the sleep she wasn’t getting while worrying about it all with caffeine-loaded energy drinks. She was a cliché.

  She turned on her TV and tuned in to a music video channel. As well as bugging her to make a decision about canceling the opening dates of the tour, Felix kept stressing her about the need to find a video concept for the new single. She decided to cozy up under her blanket, watch TV, and call it research. As she focused on the screen, Suzy’s latest video was playing. She was singing from the front seat of a car. A handsome guy sat next to her, smiling. It was a good song, and it had done okay. Suzy hadn’t had Sofia’s success, but she had a career that most singers would be proud of. It was the career that Maddie could easily have had. In fact, Maddie could have been a huge star. Her voice was better than all of them, and she’d written some amazing songs. They could have performed together. They could have written together. If only she’d stayed with Sofia, if only she hadn’t come out and got dropped. She felt her eyes closing as the “if onlys” carried on running through her mind.

  The clatter of a set of keys being dropped onto a table jolted Sofia into consciousness. She sat upright, startled and still sleepy, to see Maddie looking at her like she’d seen a ghost.

  “Jeez, you scared me.” Maddie spoke first. “I didn’t think anyone would be here. Anna gave me the keys. I thought…actually, I didn’t think, I just came. I’m sorry.” She ran a hand through her hair anxiously. “I just wanted to test some colors, but of course you’re here, I saw what happened.” A tender look appeared on her face. It was a look that Sofia hadn’t seen in such a long time.

  “How are you?” Maddie moved toward the couch and surprised Sofia by sitting next to her feet and placing a hand on her blanket-covered shin.” The gesture was sweet and kind of intimate. It was almost too much for her. She rubbed
her face vigorously with both hands, half checking this wasn’t a dream.

  “I’m okay, thanks. Sorry to startle you. I’m not supposed to be here. Anna probably thinks I’m at my mom’s. But I couldn’t face the way she was fussing over me so I told her I needed to be alone. I can do diva when I absolutely have to.” She put the back of her hand against her forehead like an old Hollywood actress and was rewarded with a small smile from Maddie. The sight of it was like a glimmer of sunshine poking through dark clouds.

  Maddie stood.

  “Yeah, of course, I should leave you alone too. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I can come back in a few days or leave the colors for you to try. Just paint a few really wide stripes on the bedroom walls and see which one works best. I can leave instructions, if you’re up to it.” Again, she seemed concerned. It was nice.

  “I’m just tired, really. I’m not sick. I can do that no problem. But please stay. Do what you were going to do. To be honest I’m bored out of my mind and the company would be really nice. I just wanted my mom to leave me alone because she was driving me crazy.”

  Maddie was looking at her uncertainly.

  “Stay. It’s fine, honestly. I want you to.” Sofia tried to sound reassuring. She really wanted Maddie to stay, not just to do her work. She wanted the chance to spend more time with her.

  “Okay.”

  Sofia felt her heart lift.

  “Wanna sit and have some coffee with me before you start work?” She wasn’t sure if she was pushing her luck. Maybe Maddie wanted to work, to just do what she needed to and leave. She had only agreed to continue the project because she thought Sofia would be on another continent by now. She waited for Maddie to say no.

  “Okay. But only if you stay there and let me make it.” Maddie gazed at her and Sofia felt a flutter in her belly. “And only if you have unleaded. I read all the stories. I know that you overdosed on the hard stuff.” She emphasized the last words with a wry smile before putting down her bag and heading to the kitchen.

  Seeing Maddie there, busying herself with the coffee maker, Sofia felt unexpectedly happy feelings. But the dehydration had left her feeling a little delusional in the hospital, so she was probably right not to trust her feelings right now.

  “You know what?” Sofia spoke hesitantly. “How about you take pity on me and we go to that diner on the corner for brunch?”

  Maddie was looking at her like she’d said something crazy. Had she?

  “I don’t have any food. If you don’t believe me open the fridge. I sent my mom away but was too stubborn to ask her to get me some groceries first. The doctor said I need to rest and drink and eat so I don’t see why I shouldn’t go to a diner that’s a five-minute walk away. A diner where I can rest and drink and eat.”

  Maddie was still silently staring at her.

  “I just think croquetas would aid my recovery.” Sofia raised her eyebrows.

  Finally, a smile from Maddie, but her dark eyes were more serious.

  “Croquetas, huh?”

  Sofia nodded. They’d eaten croquetas together so many times. For some reason, Sofia wanted Maddie to be remembering those times. The good times.

  “If I let you eat some croquetas, then you’ll lie down and rest like you’re supposed to and let me work?” Maddie’s tone was light, teasing. “And stop being a diva?”

  “All of that, I promise.”

  “Okay.” Maddie switched off the coffee maker. “But it’s only because I want the croquetas as much as you do. I skipped breakfast because Mateo somehow lost his shoe between the house and the car and I didn’t notice and had to go back for it.” She shrugged as if embarrassed. “Mom life. A bit less glamorous than yours.”

  “Collapsing on stage isn’t glamorous. Especially when some people are suggesting it was because I was crash dieting on the instructions of my record label on account of me being so fat.”

  “Social media is a cesspool of lies and gossip. Even now I stay as far away from it as I can. And in case you need to hear it, you’re not fat, not at all.” Maddie shook her head. “But even if you were, I’d still go get you croquetas. Life’s too short for dieting.”

  Sofia was ridiculously pleased to get the reassurance from Maddie. She slid out from under the covers.

  “I don’t think so.” Maddie pointed at her feet. “You’re not coming. I’m getting takeout. Back under the blanket, please.” She blushed. To Sofia it was adorable. “Sorry I pretty much only hang out with a three-year-old these days. It makes me bossy.”

  “You’re not with anyone? I thought you were parenting Mateo with someone…I kind of assumed.” Sofia couldn’t believe she’d asked the question out loud. It deserved the internal face-palm she gave herself.

  Maddie waited a beat.

  “Nope, just me.”

  Another pause. A longer one.

  “It was always just me. He’s the light of my life, but he wasn’t planned, and his father didn’t stick around. Thankfully.” The frown was not hard to miss. “And there’s no one else.” Maddie pointed at Sofia’s feet again. “Now, back under the blanket, or no croquetas.”

  Sofia did as she was told. Maddie was single and she was willing to stay for some food. Her mood lifted more than it had a right to.

  * * *

  Watching Maddie eat had always been one of Sofia’s pleasures and she couldn’t help but enjoy the satisfied expression on her face as Maddie sat back having cleaned her plate. Growing up in Miami, as they both had, it was impossible not to love Cuban food.

  Maddie had stripped down to a simple black tank top, the skin of her neck and shoulders looking as pale as ever against the dark material. She looked in great shape, and Sofia couldn’t help but feel a little frumpy by comparison. Whatever Maddie had said about her not being fat, she’d been eating too much comfort food lately and it had started to show. She sipped at the giant-sized iced tea that Maddie had brought back from the diner, trying not to think about the sugar. At least no one could accuse her of not taking the order to hydrate seriously.

  They were talking, but it wasn’t easy. Nothing was easy about them being together again. And it was like they both understood it the same way, both of them avoiding any talk of the past. They had been talking about the house, as Maddie ran through her ideas, and now they were talking about Sofia’s tour and what was going to happen.

  “I’m not bothered about missing the interviews and TV appearances. But I hate the idea of canceling the shows. I still love singing the songs I’ve written, and it feels crappy to let people down. And to be honest, I need this tour to go well.” She didn’t want to admit that she was feeling the pressure, that she was worried she hadn’t quite got the same drawing power as before, but it was true.

  Maddie reached across and stole one of the remaining papas from Sofia’s plate. It reminded her of old times. Everything about them eating together did. It wasn’t sensible, but it felt great.

  “It can’t be helped sometimes. The fans will understand that you need to rest. We canceled those shows in Australia when Suzy got sick, do you remember? And we were bummed because we’d never been before and we all really wanted to go and we begged them to let us play without her but they wouldn’t.” Maddie looked down, perhaps realizing what she’d said.

  “I remember.” Sofia couldn’t keep the sadness from her voice. Those rearranged dates in Australia were the first big tour the band had played after she’d left, and they’d made a really big deal of the fact that it was just the three of them now, that they were stronger and happier without Sofia, and the media had lapped it up. It had hurt, really hurt. Her shoulders tensed. There was so much she wanted to say.

  “I was gonna play this big festival in London. Felix had arranged for me to perform with Little Boy. He’s that huge new rapper who—”

  “I know who he is, Sofi. He’s pretty cool. I might have a three-year-old, but I still listen to music.”

  “Of course, sorry.” Sofia felt stupid. “I just mean it would have
been a good move. He’s so hot right now and the exposure to his fan base would have been good for me if I’m going to take the edges off how wholesome everyone thinks I am. We’re trying to make a collaboration happen and we were gonna talk about it while we were both there. It’s not till Friday, and I might feel better by then so I told Felix not to pull me just yet.”

  “Are you serious?” Maddie’s eyes flashed with concern.

  “What?”

  “You just collapsed and you’ve been told to rest. A long flight, jet lag, the stress of performing—it’s hardly resting. Surely your recovery has to be more important than a festival.”

  “It’s a really big deal. The exposure is exactly what the album needs right now. This is my job, Mads, I have to take it seriously. It’s not easy to stay relevant after all this time.” She hated having to spell it out, but surely Maddie, of all people, understood.

  “Maybe you should worry more about being healthy than relevant.” Maddie muttered and shook her head, and once again, Sofia felt judged.

  “Look, I stayed in this business when you didn’t. This is what it looks like up close. It’s unforgiving and it’s relentless. Maybe you’ve forgotten or maybe you just never cared as much as I do.”

  “No one could care as much as you. You’ve always put your career ahead of everything, ahead of everyone.” She stressed the final words and Sofia felt the sting as she was supposed to.

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “You know it isn’t.” She took in a breath, wanting to control her words carefully. “You know I offered to stay, to put my career on hold for you. But you made sure that option was taken away from me. You guys leaked the news of me leaving and made it seem like I’d been conniving to leave for a long time. I couldn’t stay after that. You turned your back on me—no matter what the world thinks.”

  “I wasn’t trying to get into that.” Maddie cast her eyes downward. “You’re not well, Sofi, that’s the point I’m making. You clearly need rest. I don’t think—”