Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  “Oh, that’s interesting.” Rick sat forward. “Same story but with a woman being photographed and Sofia ending up in her house at the end?”

  Maddie nodded.

  “I think that suits the song even better.” He turned to Sofi. “It’s a little more subversive, and that thing about being true to yourself makes more sense if our lead is a woman. If it’s a man, then he’s just replacing his wife with a series of younger women, including Sofia, and that’s meh, but if it’s a woman replacing her husband with a woman, then it speaks to hiding and wanting to be seen. I like this version even more.” He tapped the sketch.

  Maddie felt her insides churning. Sofi was silently staring at the sketch, and she couldn’t help but think she’d upset her somehow. After what felt like a long time, she lifted her eyes to Maddie’s.

  “This version. With a woman. We’ll do this. The concept is everything I hoped for. Dark, edgy, and sexy as hell. I chose the song just so I could do and feel something different, and because it has something important to say about longing and regret and having courage. And this story is perfect for it. You nailed it, Mads, just like I knew you would. I’m just sorry that you couldn’t trust me enough to show me the original idea you had.” Sofi was full of emotion as she spoke, and this time, Maddie was the one who pulled her into a hug. And this time, the hug lasted a little longer.

  Beside them, Rick coughed an exaggerated “ahem,” and they both turned to look at him. He had an amused look on his face. “A few things before we decide that this is what we pitch to your people later.” His face turned serious. “Paris is a tricky place to film, and it’s going to be expensive to fly everyone over there. We can pull it off, but you could just keep the same concept and shoot it here.” He waited for a response.

  Maddie held her breath. She really wanted it to be in Paris, but she couldn’t expect Sofi to necessarily feel the same way. And Sofi was the one who’d have to pay for it.

  “It needs to be Paris. I’m going to be there anyway, and I really want to stay true to the concept. We can make it work.” Sofi sounded decisive, and Maddie felt her heart lift with happiness.

  “What else?” Sofi asked.

  “You must already know this, but your people are going to hate this, Sofia. I can’t think of a video that’s more opposite to everything you’ve done before. It’s moody, it’s dark, you’re playing a character that most people will have no sympathy for, and you’re not singing the song to camera once.” He looked at Maddie for confirmation that was the case. She nodded. “And, well, if we go with this version,” he tapped the sketch of the two women kissing, “they’re going to say that it’s too risky for someone with your fan base.” He shrugged as if to say that he didn’t care but everyone else would.

  “I agree, they’re going to hate it. But I don’t care. It’s time I showed a bit more of my own truth.” Sofi held Maddie’s gaze as she spoke, and Maddie felt a fluttering in her belly.

  “What else?” Sofi asked Rick. “You look like there’s something you’re not saying.”

  “You could play it a little safer and skip the kiss at the end. It wouldn’t change the vibe entirely, and it might make it more palatable to the record company. And to your fans.”

  “I agree.” Maddie didn’t give Sofi a chance to respond. “I thought it needed it, but now I think it’s too much and Sofi can’t be seen to—” She stopped herself. “I just don’t think the video needs a big ending like that. Maybe it’s better to leave people wondering.”

  * * *

  Sofia was touched that Maddie was trying to protect her, but she couldn’t help but think this was her chance to show Maddie that she could be courageous when she needed to be. Putting out a video that had Sofia playing the part of a woman who loves a woman, a woman who kisses another woman, was a risky career move, but it was also exciting. She kept telling herself she was sick of hiding. This was her chance to be seen.

  “It needs the kiss.” Sofia nodded in Maddie’s direction. “I think it makes it much clearer that the song is about finally stepping up and taking what you want. You can’t have a song like that and then chicken out at the end.”

  Sofia hoped that Maddie understood what she was really saying. For all her big talk about being willing to live her relationship with Maddie out in the open, they’d never had the chance to even consider it. And, in the years since, she’d never publicly acknowledged that she was someone who loved women. In fact, for the sake of her career, she’d actively gone out of her way to hide it. But Maddie made her want to be braver. She always had.

  Rick and Sofia both turned their gaze to Maddie, waiting for her to respond.

  “It’s not my decision.” Maddie shrugged and looked away.

  Sofia put a hand on her leg and Maddie looked up at her. On impulse, Sofia leaned across and kissed Maddie on the forehead. Maddie blinked with surprise.

  “Thank you.” She was thanking Maddie for the sketches, for the video ideas, but she was also thanking her for giving Sofia another chance to be the woman she wanted to be.

  “We better get going.” Rick stood up, looking at his watch. “If we’re going to be shouted at and told we’re lunatics who are collectively trying to ruin Sofia’s career, I at least want to be on time.” He laughed and headed to the door. “I’ll see you there.”

  “Yeah.” Sofia nodded as Rick headed for the front door.

  “He’s right. They’re gonna fucking hate this.” Maddie looked fearful.

  “Probably. But I love it and he loves it too, so I don’t care. They want me to keep being the same peppy little pop princess. But I’m sick of that person, maybe I always was. I’m ready for this, and if my fans don’t like it then maybe they’re not the kind of fans I want.” Sofia remembered saying something like that to Maddie once before, but she’d lacked the courage to see it through. Not this time. With Maddie by her side again, she felt like she could be exactly who she needed to be.

  She helped Maddie gather up the sketches and put them back in her folder. She held up the sketch that Maddie hadn’t meant to show them. “You really weren’t going to tell us you’d written me as gay the first time around?”

  Maddie shook her head. “I guess I just got worried and decided to play it safe.”

  “But you kissed a woman in your video?”

  “It’s different.”

  “How is it?”

  “I worry that it’ll backfire, that people will think you’re trying too hard to be edgy, that people will think you’re—” She ran a hand through her hair. It was always a giveaway that she had something she didn’t want to say.

  “People will think I’m what?”

  “That people will think you’re a straight girl engaging in a bit of queer baiting for marketing purposes. I was already out, so seeing me kiss a woman wasn’t queer bait, it was kind of expected.”

  Sofia blinked at Maddie. It hadn’t been what she’d expected her to say.

  “I’m not straight and I’m not queer baiting. You know that better than anyone. This is important to me. It’s part of who I am.”

  “Part of who you were,” Maddie said. “And a part of you that you haven’t shown to anyone. The world sees you all loved up with Noah and has assumed you’re super-straight, and since you’ve never told them anything different, it’s a fair assumption. So making a video where you kiss a woman when you’ve never even talked about that part of your sexuality might seem like attention-seeking.”

  “Or me trying to come out finally.” Sofia couldn’t believe that Maddie didn’t understand.

  “Is that what you think this is?” Maddie pointed at the sketch.

  “It could be my chance. I was imagining talking about it, about the song and the video and being more open about things.”

  Maddie had turned to face Sofia, and her gaze was more than Sofia could cope with. It literally made it hard for her to breathe.

  “But I wrote the song about you, so talking about the song, the video, talking about hav
ing ‘loved women,’ will mean talking about you. And we never wanted that, never wanted people to know about us.”

  “You wrote it about me?” Maddie looked shocked.

  “I’m sorry. I know it’s weird to still be writing about what happened, but sometimes, the feelings don’t always seem like feelings from five years ago, and I still need to write about it sometimes.”

  Sofia felt pathetic. Maddie hadn’t been anything other than friendly. She hadn’t given Sofia any indication that she wanted to get pulled into any drama. In fact she had carefully kept her distance from all of it. A voice in her head told her to slow down and be more careful. She didn’t want Maddie to leave again.

  “And Noah? What will he think about his girlfriend coming out about her woman-loving past?” Maddie sounded pissed. It wasn’t what Sofia had intended. She thought Maddie would be proud of her for finally being more honest.

  “We haven’t talked about it, obviously. But he already knows. About us, I mean. I haven’t hidden that from him.” The deception wasn’t intentional, but it was there. Every time they talked about Noah without Sofia being honest about who he was to her, she was deceiving Maddie. It didn’t feel good.

  “Well, he doesn’t exactly seem relaxed about it, about me being around again. All this is going to freak him out. And I’m not sure I’d blame him for reacting.” Maddie pushed on.

  They were going to be late for the meeting, but Sofia knew this was important.

  “He’s like my mom. He’s always been,” she searched for the right word, “concerned. Said that I shouldn’t talk about that part of me, that the fans wouldn’t understand and would turn their back on me.” They had had the conversation so many times, and more than once she had told him he was wrong, but then she continued to pretend, continued to stay in the closet. It was easier, safer, and—yes—better for her career. She hadn’t been brave. She knew that.

  Sofia slumped back into the couch. It was hard to face up to how much of a coward she’d turned into once she lost Maddie.

  “He might be right.” Maddie’s voice was kinder now.

  “But if I don’t start being honest now, I’ll be trapped in this cage forever.” Sofia let out a frustrated breath. “I should have just told everyone about us five years ago. You hated me anyway, and I might have gotten a bit more sympathy when you all blamed me for leaving.” She was joking but also not. “We should go.” Sofia pushed herself up off the couch, not wanting Maddie’s pity.

  “Sofi.” Maddie was gazing at her, a serious look in her eyes. “I never hated you. I wish I could have. It might have helped it all hurt a lot less.” She lowered her eyes and Sofia waited, her breath held, until Maddie lifted them again. “And I’m really proud of you for saying yes to this. I’m sorry to be so scared about it. I know I should be the one supporting you the most.”

  Sofia couldn’t say it, but with Maddie by her side, she had enough courage to take on the world. The problem was, as she knew from bitter experience, when Maddie wasn’t there, the bravery evaporated.

  “Let’s just make a really cool video.” Sofia made herself ignore the butterflies in her belly. Rick was right. They would all hate it. It wasn’t going to be a fun meeting. “And hope my record company doesn’t drop me when we explain the concept to them.” She pulled Maddie to her feet.

  “Could they do that?”

  “In theory. I mean, we both have get out clauses. But I’ve made a lot of money for them, so it would probably take a lot more than this. They’re gonna be very unhappy though. My mom too.”

  They stood awkwardly toe to toe until Sofia wrapped her arms around Maddie tightly. Maddie responded and they stood, holding each other for a long time.

  Maddie dropped her arms first, picked up her portfolio, and ran a hand through her hair. Sofia picked up her car keys and they headed out into the hallway.

  “You’re really gonna do this?” Maddie asked Sofia as they stood together on the threshold of the house, looking out at their cars.

  “We’re really gonna do this.” She turned to Maddie before pulling the door shut behind them.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Hey. How’re you doing?” Sofi sounded a little flat on the other end of the line.

  “I’m okay. You?”

  Maddie was happy to get the call. She’d spent the day forcing herself not to call Sofi, not wanting to seem like she was checking up. When she’d been working at the house yesterday, Sofi had seemed tense and out of sorts. Maddie still wasn’t convinced that she was well enough to go on tour, but it seemed like she was the only one who thought so.

  “I’m at the gym. This call is gonna count toward my goal of spending an hour here.”

  “The gym, huh?”

  Sofi hated the gym almost as much as Maddie did.

  “My mom suggested that I needed some exercise to get in shape. In that way that moms do. She’s right though. I’ve put on weight. It’s not good.”

  “That’s bullshit.” Sofi had always struggled to feel good about her shape. Her mom should know better. “You look pretty perfect to me.” Maddie spoke without thinking, simply wanting Sofi to understand how beautiful she was.

  They both fell quiet, and Maddie worried that she’d made Sofi feel uncomfortable with the compliment.

  “I wasn’t sure if—”

  “Did you—”

  They both spoke at once.

  “Go on.” Sofi let Maddie go first.

  “I wasn’t sure if you’d be having second thoughts about the video. After everyone was so freaked out about it, I mean.” Maddie had wanted to say it to her yesterday, but hadn’t had chance. Both Felix and Rosa had been around for most of the day. It had almost felt like Sofi was being chaperoned. “I just wanted to say that I wouldn’t blame you. I wouldn’t mind if you went with something else, something less risky. Maybe they’re right to worry.”

  There was a long silence on the other end of the call.

  “If you’re having second thoughts about being involved after the way they all behaved, just say so. I wouldn’t blame you either. I’m sure you’re sorry you ever got involved.”

  “Sofi.” She didn’t want them to argue. “Of course I still want to do the video. I told you already how much I’m looking forward to it. I’m just giving you an out if you want one and saying I’m not going to judge you for choosing something safer.”

  “I know it’s not the safest choice. But it’s going to give me the chance to say something important about my identity. Maybe not everyone will understand it, maybe a lot of people won’t want to see me that way, but it’s a chance to show people a part of who I am that I’ve kept hidden. You know that, better than anyone, and that’s why it seems so right that we do this together.”

  The sincerity of Sofi’s words made her feel so many conflicting emotions. Fear, pride, excitement. “You could just have that part of your identity in private. It doesn’t make it any less valid.” She had had the same battles with herself. She was a private person. She might not have chosen to come out if Lara hadn’t forced her to.

  “I think it does. I think people like me have to stand up and be visible if we can.”

  Maddie tried to be positive for Sofi’s sake. “I got so many messages after I came out. So many kids, so many young women. For every person who told me I’d rot in hell, there were five thanking me for standing up for them.”

  “Wow,” Sofi exclaimed softly.

  “Yeah. Though I felt like a fraud because I hadn’t meant to come out. I’d probably still be hiding if it wasn’t for Lara. At the time, I hated her for exposing me when I wasn’t ready, but I probably should go back and thank her.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. It’s hard to pretend to be something you’re not. It’s tiring. And after I had Mateo, I vowed that I would always be honest, always be myself so that I’d be a good role model for him.”

  They were both quiet for a while.

  “Sometimes people have to lie. Or they think they
do. They can get boxed into a corner and one lie becomes another lie until you’ve built a house of lies to live in and you can’t find a way out without the whole thing falling down.” Maddie heard Sofi sniff.

  “Sofi, are you crying?”

  “No, no, sorry, it’s nothing. Hormones maybe. Or lack of caffeine. I’m just tired. Sorry.”

  Maddie wasn’t at all convinced.

  “You can talk to me.”

  “I know.”

  Maddie waited.

  “I don’t suppose you want to go to the diner, eat some Cuban food with me? I’ll be entitled to a plateful after all this exercise.” Sofi emphasized the last three words.

  “I tell you what,” Maddie and Daya had planned to hang out that afternoon, “grab some croquetas to go and come over to my place.” The words didn’t come from Maddie’s head, they came from her heart. Sofi sounded like she really needed some company. “I have Jet Skis. They’re like the go-carts of the ocean. And it’s about time you overcame your fear of go-carts.”

  “Jet Skis.” Sofi sounded amused.

  “Me and Mateo could give you a lesson. I mean, if you had the time, and if you’re not too chicken.” Maddie made herself sound more casual than she felt about Sofi saying yes.

  “I’m supposed to be going through set lists and tour schedules with Felix later.”

  “Of course. I wasn’t thinking, you’re going in a couple of days. You’re too busy. Sorry.” Maddie felt silly for even suggesting it. Sofi wasn’t likely to choose a play date with her and Mateo over things that were important for her career, but she couldn’t help but feel deflated anyway.

  “Tell you what, let me call Felix. I’m sure he can find something else to do this afternoon that doesn’t involve me.”

  Maddie heard the smile in Sofi’s voice and felt a tingle of happiness.

  “Text me your address and I’ll come over once I’ve finished disappointing him. Do you want me to bring anything apart from croquetas?”