Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  “Fia swim too?” he asked

  “Yes. A good swimmer. Like Mommy.”

  Sofi offered to take Mateo, but he turned his back on her, clinging onto Maddie, still seeming worried about seeing her falling in the water. Maddie mouthed a “sorry” in Sofi’s direction and was rewarded with a smile and a shrug. Sofi stepped closer and wrapped the towel around her shoulders. She put her own towel over her head and pulled it tight under her chin, making a goofy face and looking like a slightly deranged nun. Maddie giggled almost as much as Mateo did.

  “Mommy got super wet.” Sofi was talking to Mateo. “Shall we both dry her hair?” She offered her towel to Mateo and he suddenly forgot all about Maddie maybe-drowning and was once again captivated by Sofi. Maddie let him down and let herself be led by the hand to one of her beach chairs where Mateo and Sofi took turns drying her hair while playing a game of peekaboo with the towels. She sat back, glorying in the sun on her legs, the sound of them giggling behind her, and the sensation of Sofi’s hands on her head and on her neck. She told herself to be careful, that Sofi had someone else and was leaving soon, but she didn’t want to listen. This was the most relaxed she had felt in years. How could something this natural be so wrong?

  * * *

  The four of them had been in the kitchen eating the snacks that Sofia had brought. Sofia and Mateo had made non-alcoholic cocktails that tasted every bit as crazy as they looked, and having stuffed himself full of pastelitos, Mateo now lay on the couch watching cartoons.

  Daya stepped outside onto the deck to take a call from her man, leaving Sofia and Maddie reminiscing about things the three of them had gotten up to on tour. It was dangerous to root through those memories, but Daya’s presence had made it safer somehow, and despite the way things had ended with the band, there were a lot of good times to talk about.

  “There were times when I hated it, but the four of us going through it together made it bearable.” Sofia wanted them to keep talking. She didn’t want the day to end, didn’t want to leave all this behind. This felt like home somehow, how she imagined her life might have been before it all went so wrong. “It’s a lot harder when you’re doing it without a band.”

  Rather than respond, Maddie sipped her drink and seemed to be studying Sofia carefully. Sofia didn’t know if that was her way of agreeing or if she was simply avoiding an argument.

  “You don’t have to keep doing it. Any of it. You could take a break, do something else. You don’t always seem like you’re enjoying it much, but you never stop.”

  Sofia wanted to argue, to tell Maddie that it wasn’t that easy and she couldn’t possibly understand, but Maddie was one of the few people who did. She had done the “something else.” She had become a mom and reinvented herself as an interior designer. And made kick-ass music videos for a hobby.

  “It’s not that I’m not enjoying it.” Sofia tried to locate the truth inside herself.

  “Go on.” Maddie gazed at her and Sofia was captivated. The sun was causing Maddie’s pupils to contract, making the irises even bigger, even more noticeably brown than usual. She had honestly never seen more beautiful eyes.

  “I just feel this panic when I do anything other than what I’m supposed to, when I even think about doing anything different. I feel like I’m letting people down—my mom, Felix, the fans—all these people who stuck with me and gave me this success, this great career. It feels like I’m being ungrateful to do anything other than keep going, so I keep doing the same things I’ve always done, over and over in the hope that it keeps working. But it’s less and less satisfying as each year goes by. And, to be honest…” This was the hard part, the part she didn’t like to admit to. “What would I do without it? It’s all I know and I don’t have anything else.” She was horrified to hear the upset in her voice. She didn’t want Maddie’s pity. She picked up the cocktail next to her on the bar and drained the glass, buying herself some time.

  Maddie took hold of her hands, holding them on the tabletop, stroking them gently with her thumbs. The tenderness of Maddie’s touch made Sofia’s heart leap and she felt unexpected tears in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy to make changes. I’m not going to give you advice. I spent a long time grieving for the loss of my career even though if you’d have asked me I would have told you I hated every fucking minute of it.” Maddie smiled. “But it’s not too late to make changes, to have different things, and some of us are going to be proud of you regardless of whether you’re the Sofia Flores who’s an international pop star or the Sofia Flores who isn’t.” Maddie still had hold of Sofia’s hands and her words had Sofia unable to move, to breathe even. She had waited so long to hear this. The tears fell softly, and she didn’t care.

  “Maddie.” She didn’t know what there was to say, but Maddie put a finger on her lips to quiet her anyway.

  “You need to hear this.” Maddie swallowed. “I’m not proud of not standing up for you before—though I think you understand I had my reasons—but this time I’m going to be there for you. We’re going to make this video and I’m going to help you be who you need to be. Without telling you who you need to be.” Maddie had tears in her own eyes now. She wiped them away, seeming angry that they were there at all. Sofia wanted to reach for Maddie, to hug her, to make it all better. “I know you, Sofi, and I know you’re not happy. And if you need to talk about it, I’m here. I’m older and a little braver than I was, and having Mateo has made me understand the value of things I couldn’t understand before.”

  Sofia squeezed Maddie’s hands. She couldn’t find her voice right now but wanted Maddie to know that she appreciated every single word she was offering. She felt Maddie’s arm around her shoulders, pulling her in, felt Maddie kiss the top of her head. Her body responded to Maddie’s touch in ways it shouldn’t. Whatever had happened in the water, Maddie was offering friendship, and maybe even some type of love, but she wasn’t offering what Sofia’s body wanted. Sofia made herself stop crying, made herself calm down. Maddie continued to rock her gently, murmuring soft reassuring noises into her hair. The feeling of being cared for by Maddie was one that Sofia had slowly had to learn to live without, learn not to crave. But if this was all there was for them, it would have to be enough.

  Daya slid the door open and stepped back into the room. They pulled apart.

  “My man wants to see me so I’m heading out and—” She stopped, as if just noticing that Sofia and Maddie had, moments before, been in each other’s arms. She looked from Maddie to Sofia and then shook her head.

  “It’s kinda late, Sofia. I think maybe you should leave when I do.”

  Sofia turned to Maddie. She didn’t want to go. Not yet.

  “Sofi’s going to teach Mateo some ukulele. We promised him.”

  They hadn’t strictly promised, but Sofia was happy that Maddie seemed to want her to stay a while longer.

  “If you’re sure.” The look Daya gave Maddie was clearly a warning. The nod in Daya’s direction was her only answer.

  “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Daya sighed, her unhappy feelings obvious. She placed a kiss on Mateo’s head and headed for the door. Sofia heard it close.

  “Sorry.” Maddie shrugged. “She’s very protective. Even when she doesn’t need to be. I told her we’re okay, that we’re just hanging out till you go away.”

  “And making the video together. She made it plain that she thinks that’s crazy too. Said I’m making things complicated for you.”

  Maddie laughed and Sofia couldn’t help but be delighted by the sound. “I think everything about us is complicated, don’t you? Short of completely avoiding each other, I don’t know how to make it simple. And I kind of tried that and failed.” The look she gave Sofia made her insides contract with a mixture of desire and worry.

  Sofia wanted to say more. She should tell Maddie that things were even more complicated than she realized because Sofia was single enough that they could make o
ut against the jetty any time they wanted. But the panicky feeling in her stomach reminded her that telling Maddie she’d been faking it with Noah would ruin this new closeness between them, and she wanted this evening to be as uncomplicated as it could be. Two old friends, catching up, enjoying being together. She owed Maddie the truth, but it could wait. And, yeah, she was well aware it wasn’t the first time she’d told herself that.

  “Mommy can play,” Mateo called from across the room. He had his hand on an acoustic guitar propped up on a stand. He waved at them. “Mommy, play.” He repeated the request.

  “I play for him sometimes.” Maddie seemed embarrassed.

  “Oh God, that would be fantastic.” Sofia couldn’t think of a more perfect way to end the evening. She leapt off her stool and went to the corner where Mateo was standing. She put her hand on top of his. “Mommy should definitely play.” She winked at Maddie and was rewarded with a smile.

  “Not fair.”

  “We voted. Two against one, it’s very fair. Democratic even.”

  She picked up the guitar and walked hand in hand with Mateo out onto the deck. She propped the guitar against the chair and settled with Mateo into the swing chair to wait for Maddie to come and pick up her guitar.

  Maddie appeared in the doorway and hesitantly made her way to the chair. She picked up the guitar and sat down with it.

  “I know I’m being presumptuous, but I really really wanna hear you play, and if I have to join forces with Mateo to make it happen, I’m not gonna feel any guilt.” The words were teasing, but she kept her tone serious. She wanted Maddie to know how much she wanted this.

  “This is going to feel really weird. I haven’t played in front of anyone but Mateo for years.”

  “It’s me, Mads. Just me.”

  Maddie looked at her, her fingers fidgeting nervously with the pick. She moved her hands into position and began to strum softly before picking out the tune. It was not a tune that Sofia recognized. When Maddie eventually started to sing softly, her words were about lost love, and her voice—to Sofia—had not changed at all. She leaned back in the chair and let the bluesy soulfulness of the song wash over her. Maddie’s voice grew a little stronger as the song progressed, and when she closed her eyes, Sofia took the chance to appreciate just how beautiful she looked. The sun was setting, the light was pink, and Maddie’s face shone as she sang. Sofia couldn’t stop watching her mouth as it moved. The song ended and Maddie opened her eyes before offering up a shy and hesitant smile. Mateo climbed onto Sofia’s lap and clapped loudly.

  “That was beautiful.” Sofia was so full of emotion, she could barely speak.

  “Thank you.”

  “Is it one of yours? I didn’t recognize it.” Sofia had listened to Maddie’s album a hundred times. In the absence of any communication between them after they broke up, it had been where she’d gone to try to understand what had happened between them.

  “Yeah.” Maddie put down the guitar. “I still write sometimes. When I get the time, and the urge.”

  “You should release that. It’s—”

  “I write for me, Sofi, sometimes for Mateo, sometimes just for fun. Because I like to. Not everything’s for sale.”

  “I’m sorry.” Sofia wanted to take the words back. “I know not everything’s for sale, it’s just a really good song. Better than a lot of what’s out there right now.” She felt like Maddie was disappointed in her, that she’d said the wrong thing.

  Maddie shrugged before leaning down and picking up the guitar. She handed it to Sofia and beckoned Mateo onto her lap. “Your turn.”

  Sofia wanted to object. As stupid as it seemed, she’d never had Maddie’s confidence when it came to performing and she didn’t have a voice anywhere near as powerful as hers. She had always been in awe of Maddie’s abilities.

  She settled the guitar onto her knee and began to play the opening chords of “Not This Time.” The song that she had written as a wakeup call to herself long before Maddie had come back into her life. The song she had written about her regret at letting Maddie go. She sang the opening verse and got as far as the first chorus before stopping, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

  I won’t let you leave this time

  Don’t care what they say

  Don’t care how much it hurts

  It’s not over, not this time

  She couldn’t sing anymore of the song to Maddie. She felt too exposed.

  “I have a terrible memory for words, even my own. Sorry.” Sofia told the white lie. She tried to steady her breathing and concentrated her gaze on Mateo rather than looking at Maddie. She picked out another tune. Mateo recognized it before Maddie. She sang a few verses of the theme tune to Peppa Pig before seeing Mateo yawn.

  “I should go.”

  “Yeah, he’s getting tired.”

  At the door, they stood awkwardly. Nothing was easy between them. Sofia shouldered her backpack.

  “Thanks for a great time.” Sofia wanted to say so much more. She wanted to tell Maddie that it was the best day she’d had in years.

  “Thanks for coming, thanks for the pastelitos, and thanks for being so good with Mateo. We don’t often have fun like this with other people.” She avoided Sofia’s gaze, seeming bashful again. “Thanks, just thanks.”

  Sofia headed out to her car and flung her backpack on the passenger seat. She looked back and waved at Maddie and Mateo, framed in the doorway. She had traveled all around the world and seen some amazing sights, but she had never felt less like leaving a place than right then.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Remind me why I agreed to do this? I won’t know anyone, and I’ll feel like everyone is wondering why the hell the decorator is here drinking your beer.” Maddie was standing in Sofi’s kitchen helping her unwrap the various platters of delicious looking party food. One of the caterers was loading trays of croquetas and empanadas into the oven. The other was stacking beer in the fridge.

  “You’re here because I asked you to come.” Sofi looked up from the box of glasses she was unpacking. “And because I wanted to be able to say good-bye to you before heading off. You’re one of the few people coming tonight who I need to say good-bye to. Most of them are coming with me.”

  Not wanting to say good-bye to Sofi for almost four months was one of the reasons why, despite Mateo, Maddie had agreed to go to Paris and work with Rick on the video. It would mean she would get to see her again in a week. It wasn’t much but it was something. She took a swig of the beer and tried not to feel anxious about just how much she was going to miss her.

  “I guess it’s a chance to say good-bye to Noah too.” Maddie made herself mention his name.

  “Yeah. He’s bringing some friends. He likes a party.” Sofi shrugged as if that was explanation enough.

  The idea of spending the night with Noah lowered Maddie’s mood even further. She and Sofi had hung out a fair amount the past few days—and nothing about it had been angsty. They’d been doing house stuff, making plans for the video shoot, and yesterday Sofi and Mateo had even made pancakes together while she did some work on the house. Hanging out again felt so natural, so nourishing, and for all of it, Noah had been blissfully absent.

  “Is he not worried about you handling the schedule?” She couldn’t help herself. She still wasn’t convinced Sofi was well enough to tour. And in Noah’s position, she would have tried her hardest to persuade her not to go. Sadly, his main priority seemed to be insisting she throw a going-away party that he wasn’t even helping to organize.

  “He worries about me less than you do, and I told him I’m okay.” Sofi smiled but the look in her eyes was hard to read.

  “And are you okay?”

  “I told you, I’m going to rest after. In my house by the ocean that a certain person will have made feel like a super stunning home for me.” She spoke softly and held Maddie’s gaze. It felt intimate. The two of them, in Sofi’s kitchen, talking about the future. “And maybe the next party I’ll throw wi
ll be a coming home party for just you guys. You, Mateo, Daya. People I actually want to spend time with.”

  Maddie was happy that Sofi imagined them seeing each other after the house was finished. Given she’d been trying her hardest to keep her thoughts about Sofi in the middle of the friend zone, she probably should have worried more about just how happy it made her.

  “I might come. Will there be croquetas?”

  Sofi nodded. “Of course. As many as you can eat. And there’ll be Lego. For Daya.” The wink and the smile made Maddie’s heart melt. “Shame she wasn’t free tonight.”

  “Yeah, she said next time maybe.” It was a harmless lie. Daya had said she couldn’t think of anything worse than a night with Sofi’s music industry buddies. Maddie felt the same, but she had a Sofi-shaped reason to be here.

  Sofi took a huge salad bowl from the fridge and began drizzling it with oil.

  “Do you date?” Sofi asked without looking up, and for a second, Maddie wondered if she’d misheard. But this was Sofi. The Sofi who usually asked the awkward questions.

  “I have a three-year-old and a busy job so not so much, no.” Maddie ran a hand through her hair.

  “You shouldn’t not date because of Mateo.” Sofi looked up at her. “A lot of people would be happy to date someone as wonderful as you with a kid as sweet as him.” She stopped. “I’m sorry, it’s not my business to give you advice.” Sofi cast her eyes down, seeming embarrassed.

  “I’m just not looking for anyone right now, Sofi.” It didn’t matter, but for some reason Maddie wanted her to know. And so what if her heart beat a little faster when Sofi called her wonderful. She couldn’t help that.

  “Noah said he was bringing Danny. He said Danny was still interested in you. Made a big deal about the two of you having a ‘connection,’ about you guys having a lot of fun when you worked on the video together.” Sofi added croutons to the salad without looking up. “I just wanted to let you know he was planning on matchmaking so you’d be prepared. He’s hard to talk out of things once he’s made his mind up.”