Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  “Maddie.”

  “But I can’t handle it. Your crazy life will always make me doubt you and doubt your intentions. I don’t want that. It’s too hard for me and I have to think about Mateo.” Her own voice cracked slightly, but she carried on, making herself sound brighter and lighter than she felt. “So, let’s just enjoy being in Paris and make an awesome video we can both be proud of. And then you’ll go on tour and I’ll go finish your house, and in a few months, when you eventually get some time off, bring Mateo some pastelitos and we can spend the afternoon catching up, like old friends.”

  “Old friends?” Sofi echoed her words. She still hadn’t picked up her fork. “I don’t want to be an old friend. Look, Mads, my life might not always be crazy.” She reached across and took Maddie’s hand, her voice thick with emotion. Maddie should have pulled away, but she couldn’t. “I want to find time for you and Mateo. And I’m not just talking about an afternoon ‘catching up.’ I feel like we’ve been given a second chance, and I promised myself that this time I would make the most of it, but we can only do that if you want it enough, if you trust me enough.”

  “It’s not about wanting or trusting, it’s about you making promises you can’t possibly keep.” Sofi imagining a life for them was hard to resist, but she’d been disappointed before. It was better that she leave things with Sofi as clear as possible. “There’s nothing wrong with being an old friend. It’s easier for all of us. And it seems to me like you need more people in your life that are rooting for you, that care about you the way that friends do. Maybe that’s what the universe meant us to have this time around.”

  They were still holding hands and Maddie waited a moment longer before pulling her hand away. She picked up Sofi’s fork to steal a forkful of egg.

  “I might join you. It smells great. Eat it before it goes cold. We have a long day today.” She forced herself to sound okay, handed the fork to Sofi, and then signaled for the waiter and ordered her own portion. It was a pause they both needed.

  Sofi began to pick at the food. She was avoiding Maddie’s eyes now and clearly seemed upset.

  “Did you get that actress you wanted?” Maddie wanted to get Sofi talking about stuff that wasn’t difficult for them, and she was curious. Before the party, before it had all gone so wrong, they’d spent an agonizing couple of hours with Rick searching for the woman to play opposite Sofi in the video. They’d watched dozens of show reels sent over by a French agency. And, of course, Maddie’s jealousy meant that she found fault with all of them, and she especially found fault with all the ones that Sofi expressed any kind of liking for. Sofi had eventually settled on an actress called Claudine who was tall, with long dark hair and expressive blue eyes. Maddie hated how at ease with herself she seemed, how poised and elegant, how she spoke impeccable English with a strong French accent that both Rick and Sofi pronounced as “very sexy.” It was left to Maddie to point out that, since she wasn’t going to say a word in the video, it didn’t matter what her accent sounded like. She knew she sounded jealous. Watching Sofi fan girl over beautiful French women hadn’t been her ideal way to spend a morning.

  “Yeah, we did. She said she was delighted to do it,” Sofi replied. “Though it was pretty clear she had no idea who I was.” Sofi lifted her eyebrows. Her eyes gave away how upset she was despite them trying to keep things friendly. She yawned and rubbed her face.

  “Tired?”

  “Yeah, not sleeping well. And not just because of this.” She pointed into the space between them. “Everyone is so vexed about the video. They’re convinced it’s going to be a disaster. I’ve been worrying about that. And Noah has been a jerk since I ended our arrangement.” Sofi picked up her fork again, and looked away, seeming embarrassed. “Sorry, I know you don’t want to get involved. I just wanted you to know I’d ended it, properly, finally.”

  Maddie nodded, working hard to keep her expression neutral. It shouldn’t matter. And yet she felt so happy to hear it. They sat silently for a beat or two.

  “How was Mateo when you left?”

  “I’m not sure he gets how long I’m going to be gone, but he was definitely a little mad at me for going away. But when I told him I was helping ‘Fia’ make a really cool movie, he forgave me. He likes you so it let me off the hook.” Maddie smiled. She’d been so happy Sofi and Mateo got on well. Staying away would mean them not seeing each other again. It was something she hadn’t thought about.

  “I like him too. A lot.” Sofi looked down at her plate, concentrating on her omelet, and Maddie could tell she was fighting not to be upset.

  This misery they both felt was all on her. She could let them try, let them have something together. They both wanted it. She shook her head. It wouldn’t work. Everything she’d said about Sofi’s crazy life was true. They were in such different places in their lives, they wanted such different things. The waiter placed her omelet in front of her and she began to eat.

  “Is your mom still planning to lure me to the top of the Eiffel Tower and throw me off?” Maddie tried to lighten the mood. Whatever happened after the tour, they had to spend the next two days together. “Or is it death by blunt force injury using a stale baguette?” She waited for Sofi to lift her eyes, the weak smile she offered up made Maddie’s heart hurt.

  “She’s mad at you but maybe mad at me more. She keeps giving me this disappointed look, complete with an I-can’t-quite-believe-it head shake. It’s like I came home pregnant with Eric Trump’s baby or something.”

  “She never wanted you to be gay.”

  “No.”

  “And she always blamed me.”

  “Well, you were hard to resist.” Sofi offered her another small smile.

  “I don’t remember you resisting very hard.” Even now it was hard not to enjoy the memories from when they were good together. They had been great together for a really long time. She stopped herself from thinking that way. “I think if your mom wants to blame anyone, she should blame Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I think Willow and Tara had you over on the dark side long before you met me.” She finished the last forkful of her omelet. Sofi was still picking at hers.

  “When she sees what we’ve come up with, she’ll have to accept it’s right for the song and I can pull it off in a way that none of them think I can.” Sofi sounded like she was trying to persuade herself.

  “Exactly that. And even if she hates it, so what. It’s your career not hers.”

  “It’s my career to ruin. That’s what she said this morning.” Sofi shrugged.

  “It kind of is.” Maddie leaned forward and put her hand on Sofi’s arm. “Your career, your risk, your creative choices. They all need to realize that.”

  Sofi looked at her intently. “Thanks, Maddie.”

  Maddie frowned.

  “For being on my side, for believing in this. For coming to Paris.”

  Maddie nodded. There was nothing she could say to that that would have helped them. The truth was, despite everything, she’d found it impossible to stay away. She stood and pushed her chair backward.

  “See you back here in half an hour.”

  Sofi nodded at her and picked up her fork. Maddie walked away, her feelings in turmoil.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The house the production company had found for them was in Muette, a suburb on the western edge of Paris. It was a good pick, matching Maddie’s sketch almost perfectly. The owners—a pair of thirty-something teachers who both spoke English—were good about keeping the small cast and crew supplied with strong coffee and bread and cheese, and despite trying to resist, Maddie had eaten enough Camembert to last a lifetime.

  She looked at the light meter. It was only seven but already dark enough for them to set up and shoot some of the video’s closing scenes. She called for action on the scene that was set. Sofi was sitting in a car at the curb as Claudine left the house, walked slowly across the picture-perfect garden with coffee cup in hand, and handed it to Sofi. Maddie felt a spark of unwanted jeal
ousy as their hands brushed as per the script, and Claudine turned and went back into the house. Maddie’s attention was not on Claudine but on Sofi, on Sofi watching Claudine walk away. She couldn’t quite believe they were doing this together, that they were in Paris shooting a video, a video in which Sofi was showing a part of herself to the world that no one had ever seen before.

  “What do you think?” Rick raised an eyebrow as he spoke.

  “Great. Way less of the annoying swaying that time.” Maddie knew she was finding more fault than she needed to with Claudine’s work. “How was Sofi?”

  “Also great.”

  She nodded with satisfaction. She couldn’t see Sofi as anything other than perfect, but Rick had more objectivity.

  “Okay, people, that’s a wrap. Set up for next scene, please.” Maddie gave the instruction to the camera crew and felt Rick pat her on the back. She was feeling more and more confident as the scenes were being ticked off.

  “So, two more scenes at the house and then we can all break for dinner while we relocate.” Maddie looked at the sheet in front of her, addressing the comment to Rick and Sofi. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Rosa approaching and braced herself. Rosa had done nothing but complain since they’d started.

  “We need to choreograph the last scene before we shoot,” Rick said. “It’s tricky. Closing the curtains, opening the curtains, and then moving in for the final kiss. And it’s all got to be framed perfectly within the window. They’ll need to practice positioning.” He sounded as matter-of-fact as she should have been about the whole thing. And she would have been if they weren’t talking about Sofi practicing kissing a beautiful French woman while she watched, a woman Maddie had scripted Sofi kissing in a video that might badly hurt her career. She tried to damp down the panicky feeling in her chest. She didn’t want either the jealousy or the responsibility for hurting Sofi.

  Next to Maddie, Rosa huffed. “It’s ridiculous. I just don’t understand why everyone’s trying to make her look like a lesbian.”

  “Mama, please,” Sofi pleaded, not for the first time, for Rosa to stop complaining.

  “What?” Rosa shrugged. “It’s true. None of your fans want to see you chasing a married woman around Paris and then kissing her like a lesbian and,” she paused as if searching for the right word, “an adulteress.”

  Maddie heard Rick swallow a laugh. She didn’t doubt that he hadn’t heard anyone use the word adulteress for a couple of decades at least.

  “Nothing is funny here, Rick. This is my daughter’s career you and Maddie are ruining.” Rosa glared at him and he shuffled uncomfortably from foot to foot.

  “We still have the option of dropping the actual kiss.” Maddie spoke up and earned a surprised look from Rosa and a glare from Sofi.

  “Are you kidding me?” Sofi spoke first.

  “I just mean that it would still work if we ended the video with you going into the house and opening the curtains after Claudine closes them. The meaning should still be clear and it might be neat to leave people wondering what happened.” Maddie looked from Sofia to Rick and back again. “Your mom has a point, Sofi. There’s a lot of risk in this for you. There’s no shame in rowing back a little.” She lifted her shoulders as if to say it was only a suggestion.

  “No shame?” Sofi sounded annoyed and Maddie found it hard to look at her.

  “Of course there’s shame, Maddie. There’s shame in hiding, in dodging doing the difficult things, the right things, in case we offend people. I thought you of all people understood that.” Despite her anger, Maddie knew that Sofi was choosing her words carefully, that she was talking about more than the video.

  “I just don’t think we have to shove it down people’s throats.” Maddie said it without thinking.

  “Right, okay.” Sofi took in a breath. “Because you wouldn’t do it would you? I mean you wouldn’t, for the sake of argument, make out with some woman in your underwear and then get on a motorbike with her? Of course you wouldn’t. That’d be shoving your sexuality down people’s throats and we can’t have that. Oh, my bad, Maddie, you can have that, but I fucking can’t. Is that right? I mean, I just wanna be clear.”

  “It’s different. We’ve had this conversation, Sofi. I was already out. And I had a different set of fans, a different career. I had a lot less to lose.”

  “So you’re now telling me I shouldn’t do what feels right, shouldn’t be truthful creatively because it might be bad for my career.” Sofi shook her head. She was letting Maddie know what a hypocrite she was.

  “I’m not saying that, I just mean you just don’t have to go the whole way. And you don’t have to be so fucking anxious to kiss her.” She couldn’t help but blurt out the last part. She felt ridiculous.

  “Rick? Mama? Can you give us a minute please?” Sofi was all controlled rage now, and Maddie remembered too late how her temper was rarely seen but not often forgotten.

  “Maybe you should listen to her for once, cariño.” Rick had the good sense to wander off, but Rosa couldn’t help but chip in.

  Sofi took her eyes off Maddie’s for a minute and looked at Rosa. “And maybe you should listen to me like the grown woman that I am when I tell you I need a minute with Maddie?” Her voice was even, but Maddie knew her well, knew how close to losing it she was. She pulled Sofi by the arm, away from Rosa, away from all the eavesdropping crew members, down the path and to the opposite side of the street.

  They stood face-to-face. The anger had gone from Sofi now. She just looked hurt. Her eyes were wide and confused and Maddie wanted so badly to reach out and touch her, to make it all right.

  “Why would you side with my mom against me? You said you’d support me. I don’t understand.” The words pulled at Maddie, made her feel terrible. She couldn’t help herself, she reached out and took Sofi’s hand.

  “I’m not taking her side. Believe it or not, I’m on your side. I just want what’s best for you.”

  “But I want to do this. I thought you wanted me to, I thought you believed in it, believed in me.” Sofi sounded so unsure all of a sudden and Maddie squeezed her hand, tried to transmit through her touch just how much she believed in her.

  “I do. I really do, Sofi. It’s not that. This song is brilliant, and this video is going to be every kind of awesome. It’s just…” She closed her eyes and tried to locate the right words, willed herself to be as honest as she felt she could be. “It’s just that I don’t want this to hurt you or your career. I’m so happy that you’re feeling able to be more open about everything and I so want that for you, but maybe I want it too much and maybe I just feel kind of responsible for this, for the fact that you’re about to be kissing that fucking gorgeous French woman over there, and in a few weeks millions of people are going to see you do it. And maybe they won’t like it.” Maddie made herself calm down. Sofi really needed her to hold on to her feelings right now.

  “I don’t care.”

  Maddie frowned.

  “I mean, I don’t care if they like it or not. I just want to do something that feels real for me and something that shows you I’m serious about telling the truth more. My career can worry about itself for a change.”

  Maddie was happy to hear her say it. She couldn’t stop hope from rising in her chest.

  “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just freaking out about it a little, and so is your mom.” She smiled and held Sofi’s gaze. “Though your mom is probably not struggling quite so much with her jealousy about you kissing the gorgeous French woman as I am.” Maddie bit the inside of her lip and lifted her eyebrows. She was trying to lighten the mood, but she was also telling the truth.

  “You’re jealous.” Sofi sounded surprised. “You wrote a storyline where I get the girl—”

  “The gorgeous French woman,” Maddie clarified.

  “And when I do exactly what you scripted, you’re jealous.”

  Maddie nodded, unable to take her eyes off Sofi, enjoying the feel of Sofi’s hand in hers. The jealous
y was kind of insane.

  “Well, I guess she is gorgeous. But she’s definitely not the gorgeous woman I want to be kissing right now.” Sofi held her gaze and Maddie couldn’t stop the gentle throb between her legs that the words caused. “And, anyway, she makes terrible coffee.”

  They both laughed. Maddie was grateful to have some of the tension broken.

  “And, to be honest, I’m having major performance anxiety about the kiss so maybe I should let you cut it. Maybe I could just gaze at her longingly. I’m kinda good at that.” Sofi stared at her and then widened her eyes. They were flirting, and despite everything that Maddie had said, it was impossible to resist.

  They stood looking at each other.

  “I’m glad you’re worried about me, Mads.” Sofi sounded more serious. “But I’m okay. Believe it or not, I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for this. And I feel like it’ll all be okay as long as you keep believing in me.”

  Maddie couldn’t find the words she needed to tell Sofi just how much she believed in her so she simply pulled her into a hug. They stood like that together and Maddie couldn’t help but feel that, despite everything, this was the place she wanted to be. After a minute, they pulled apart and Maddie led Sofi by the hand back across the road and onto the set. As they reached the edge of the garden, Maddie saw Rosa watching them closely. She looked from Maddie’s face to their joined hands and simply turned away.

  “I promise you that we’ll get the kiss done in one take. I don’t care what Rick says about what it looks like, I’m not going to have you spend twenty minutes making out with Claudine.” Maddie lifted her eyebrows at Sofia and was rewarded with a smile and a squeeze of her hand.

  Maddie put a hand on her chest, feeling her heart flutter and willing it to beat more regularly. Maybe she’d had too much strong French coffee. Or maybe it was simply being this close to Sofi. Maddie watched Sofi’s eyes follow her hand to her chest and then felt Sofi place her own hand over it before heading off to the makeup chair next to where Claudine was already seated.