Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  After a few seconds, Sofi turned back to Maddie with a shy smile. “Looks like the boats are still running. Shall we?”

  They walked down the steep stone steps that led down to the jetty and the ticket office. The next trip was not till ten, so they bought tickets and ducked into the small bar on the pontoon to stay warm while waiting. They were the only customers, and though the next boat was the last for the evening, there was no sign of the place closing. Sofi went to the bar and Maddie smiled as she heard her try out her French on the old bartender, then without really meaning to, Maddie sat at the corner table at the far end of the bar. It was the same table they’d sat at all those years ago with their bandmates, before they’d bailed on them to go back to the hotel. Maddie couldn’t stop thinking about it.

  Sofi joined Maddie at the table with two large glasses in her hands. “You wanted brandy, mademoiselle.” She bowed exaggeratedly as she spoke.

  “When did you become such a brandy drinker? You used to hate it.” Maddie took the glass and cradled it in her hands, the amber liquid looking like nectar.

  Sofi shrugged. “I got older. I think I developed a lot of bad habits since leaving the band.”

  “Really? Want to tell me about them?” Maddie hadn’t meant to sound so flirtatious. She was curious.

  “Brandy.” Sofi pointed at her glass. “Pastelitos, obviously. Hiding, working obsessively, lying about myself, and I guess, letting other people decide what’s good for me.” She laughed self-consciously. “I think that just about covers it.”

  Maddie hadn’t expected a serious reply. She didn’t know how to respond. She wanted to reassure Sofi, but it was good that she was facing up to the things that were making her unhappy.

  “Seems to me like you’re already giving up most of those bad habits. And I’m super proud of you even if I don’t always seem like I am.”

  “Most?” Sofi raised an eyebrow.

  “Well, not this one,” she pointed at her glass, “and pastelitos are still being eaten obviously—though I personally don’t count that as a bad habit.” She smiled. “But I’m not gonna not say it. I still think you work too damn hard and I worry about that. You’ve taken the rest days Felix gave you and filled them with shooting the video and going to see Little Boy. And the days you’re supposed to have off at Thanksgiving you’ve filled with rearranged London dates from when you were sick.” Maddie was happy to be able to say her piece.

  “Is this where you say I’m not getting any younger?”

  “I’m serious, Sofi. Maybe no one else cares but I do. You collapsed, you’re having anxiety attacks.” She lifted her hands in frustration. “Take it seriously.”

  “I do. I am.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’m tired, and touring is tiring. I’m not saying it’s not. But the anxiety, the driving myself too hard, it’s because I don’t have enough in my life that makes me happy, because I’m not being myself, and a lot of it was because of that whole thing with Noah. And now…” She swallowed a sip of brandy, avoiding Maddie’s gaze. Maddie waited, desperate to hear this.

  “And now, I feel like I can be different. I stopped that whole Noah circus, I did this amazing video, and you’re here. Having you and Mateo in my life in whatever way you feel able to let me, well, it just all feels so much more positive.” Sofi finally looked up at her with a hesitant smile and an anxious look in her eyes, and Maddie ached with love for her all over again.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. Just know I’m trying and give me a chance.”

  They looked at each other for a beat.

  Maddie nodded and touched her glass to Sofi’s and they both took a long slow sip.

  * * *

  “I mean I know you’re a complete nerd when it comes to music, but I still think you must have prepped for this. You’re doing suspiciously well.” Maddie fixed Sofia with a stern look.

  “And how, bad loser, could I possibly know that halfway around this boat trip, you would start a competition to see who knew the most songs with Paris in the title? I’m a lot of things but I’m not a mind reader.”

  “Maybe you just guessed that I was going to suggest it and did some revision to impress me. Like when you got all super smooth and ordered that fancy French wine with the meal.”

  “And were you impressed?”

  “Very.”

  Maddie held her gaze for a second before lowering her eyes, and Sofia swallowed. Her attraction to Maddie right now was off the charts.

  Despite the coldness of the temperatures, they stood together at the railing at the back of the boat with their coats buttoned up. The only passengers stupid enough to brave the boat’s open top deck. Paris was beautifully lit up on either side of them, and as Notre Dame Cathedral slid by, it was harder to think of a more romantic setting.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to say good-bye to you tomorrow until February.” Sofia had to say it. It had been on her mind all night. “It feels like a long time to be away.”

  “It is a long time.”

  “I’m going to miss Mateo’s birthday. And Thanksgiving.” And you. It should have been so easy for Sofia to say it. It wasn’t a lie. In fact, it was so true it hurt. But instead she stood by Maddie’s side and said nothing.

  After a while, Maddie turned to her, a deep frown on her face.

  “You don’t have to do it, y’know. You act like a passenger, and you complain as if you’ve got no choice, but it’s your life, your bus, you can pull off the road whenever you want to.” She paused. “If you want to.”

  “I want to, but it’s not that easy.”

  “Why isn’t it? You’ve got all the money you need. You’ve won all the awards. No one would blame you for taking some time for you.”

  “I never had a good enough reason not to do it before. I don’t have hobbies. I don’t even have friends—not really—and I never had a person to take time off and stay home for.” Sofia didn’t know how to say what she needed to say. “But now, four months feels like a stupidly long time to be away and that’s because of you. You and Mateo. And I’m gonna miss you like crazy. And I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t feel it, let alone say it, because you’ve already made it clear I’m not what you want, but being with you here like this just makes me so happy. And, if I’m honest, I really just want to kiss you right now and hope it means something.” She couldn’t keep the want out of her voice and she saw Maddie’s eyes react, saw them flood with desire, watched them move from her face to her lips and back again.

  “If it’s so wrong, then I probably shouldn’t say that I feel the same way. I’ve wanted to kiss you all night. All day if I’m honest.” Maddie whispered the words into the space between them.

  They were inches apart, and Maddie reached out a hand to touch Sofia’s cheek. Sofia leaned her face into her hand and closed her eyes contentedly. She took Maddie’s other hand and interlaced their fingers. She could feel the blood in her body, the pulsing between her legs. Maddie’s thumb grazed across Sofia’s bottom lip and she couldn’t help shivering. Maddie moved her hand to the back of Sofia’s neck, her fingers now playing with the soft hair at the nape.

  “Sofi.” Maddie spoke softly, but her name in Maddie’s mouth was all Sofia needed to hear. She pulled Maddie to her and put her mouth to Maddie’s. She moaned as their lips touched, softly, tentatively, both of them holding back and then both of them giving in. The kiss deepened and Maddie moaned as Sofia moved into her arms, one hand on the small of Maddie’s back and the other tangled in Maddie’s hair, pulling Maddie deeper into the kiss. Sofia opened her mouth to let Maddie’s tongue in, and the taste of Maddie, of the wine and the brandy, the soft touch of her tongue made Sofia gasp as her body flooded with arousal.

  Sofia put her hand on Maddie’s ass, using it to pull them closer together. She bit down on Maddie’s lower lip gently, and when Maddie reacted with a soft groan of pleasure, she pushed her hips into Maddie wanting them e
ven closer. Their bodies fit so well together, their lips were made for kissing each other. How had they ever stopped doing this? It felt so right, so utterly consuming that Sofia stopped thinking about who they were, what was and wasn’t possible, and let Maddie’s dark eyes and wondrous mouth pull her in. When Maddie turned her and pressed their bodies against the railings, her mouth greedy for Sofia and her thigh pushed between Sofia’s legs, Sofia felt her insides turn to liquid and she lost her ability to think, to worry, to do anything other than close her eyes and pull Maddie as close as she could, wanting as much contact as possible. Their kisses were sometimes desperate and greedy and sometimes soft and tender. All of them made Sofia’s head spin and her skin prickle with want. She wanted Maddie, she had always wanted Maddie.

  She felt the boat bump and pulled away from Maddie slightly, breaking their kiss. The lights seemed brighter and she realized that the boat was already docking back at the pontoon and the trip was over. She looked at Maddie, who was gazing at her with eyes clouded with desire, her lips full and her hair tousled. She looked just like someone who had been making out for fifteen minutes straight. Her beauty caused a breath to catch in Sofia’s throat.

  Sofia smiled at her and Maddie tried to smile back, but her expression was full of worry and Sofia could see the panic seeping in even as the ramp was being lowered, and below them, the handful of other passengers started to disembark. She leaned into Maddie, pulling her close again and planting a gentle kiss on Maddie’s lips. She wanted to keep Maddie like this, to help her understand how right this was.

  “I don’t want to get off.” Sofia could hardly get the words out.

  “We have to.”

  Maddie took her by the hand and pulled her toward the stairs to the lower deck. Sofia let herself be led, not able to think of anything more than just how good kissing Maddie had felt. They were in a foreign country, they had been apart for so long, but kissing Maddie felt like coming home.

  The wide embankment next to the landing stage for the boats was made for a late night stroll. It had benches dotted along it where courting couples and shivering tourists sat watching the river. Sofia and Maddie walked a hundred yards before coming to a bench that was empty. Sofia had not let go of Maddie’s hand. She knew Maddie, knew that right now she was freaking out. Sofia had to find a way to make sure Maddie knew this was okay. It was more than okay, it was righteous and important, and they could, if they both wanted to, find a way back to each other for good.

  They sat on the bench and faced the river. Both of them silent, both of them thinking. Sofia turned to face Maddie and took her hands, pulling them into her lap. Maddie looked as Sofia expected her to—lost, wary, and a little confused. She also looked so completely irresistible that it took all the willpower that Sofia possessed not to climb into her lap and start kissing her all over again.

  “Want to tell me what you’re thinking right now?” As Sofia asked the question, she traced patterns across the back of Maddie’s hands with her thumbs. Maddie looked down at their hands, saying nothing in response. Sofia stopped the movement, and Maddie looked up at her, almost seeming hurt. Sofia watched her eyes clear, watched her swallow, and waited anxiously.

  “We can’t, we shouldn’t do this. I’m sorry.” Maddie shook her head. She was struggling to speak. She took in another breath and tried again. “This is wrong.” She said the words, but Sofia could tell she didn’t mean them.

  “No, Maddie, it’s not wrong. It’s right. We both know that, we both feel that. I know we do.” Sofia placed a hand on the center of Maddie’s chest. Her heart was beating heavily.

  “You’re going away, your life is crazy. I can’t—” Sofia watched a dark look pass across her face.

  “You can’t what, Maddie?” They had to talk about these things now or they’d never have a chance. She also knew that, right now, Maddie was ready to flee. Running was what she did, and Sofia just couldn’t face the idea of losing her again.

  “You mean too much to me for me to do this all over again.” She said the last three words bitterly. “I can’t love you tonight and lose you tomorrow. And spend months apart from you, worrying about you and whether you’re healthy. And knowing that you won’t listen, you won’t stop, that your career means more to you—has always meant more to you—than anything else.” She tried to compose herself. “I’m sorry.” Maddie’s face was a picture of despair.

  “I can be different this time.” Sofia tried to find the words that would make things better. “I am different. I’m ready to stop, to choose you and Mateo, if you want that.”

  Maddie was gazing at her, and Sofia couldn’t help but be affected by her beauty. It made her heart hurt to have Maddie so close and not be able to just keep kissing her.

  “We’re not good for each other.” Sofia made herself stay silent and not tell Maddie how damn wrong she was, how this was just her fear talking. She stood, and Sofia thought that was it, that Maddie was leaving. She stood to stop her, to beg her to stay, but Maddie didn’t leave, she simply paced in front of the bench and Sofia sat back down.

  “It doesn’t matter how much I want you.” Maddie spoke as she paced. “And it doesn’t matter how much I might love you. Our lives are too different and we don’t want the same things. And we hurt each other so much last time. I don’t think I could survive that again.”

  Sofia felt panic rising in her own chest.

  “Maddie, please. Give us a chance. Finding you again made me realize that I never stopped wanting this, wanting you. I’ve just been treading water. I feel like, when you’re in my life, I’m the best person I can be. I stopped seeing Noah, I made this video, and I’m coming out. All because of you. I want to be more honest with my fans and I want to be happier.” She paused. “And I will have a break next year. I promise you. Maybe we could take a trip with Mateo.” Even as she said the words, Sofia knew they weren’t enough.

  “Sofi.” Maddie held up a hand, motioning for her to stop. Sofia felt the hurt of it like a spear to the chest.

  “Sorry, I just don’t know what else to say.” Sofia felt her voice breaking.

  “I know you feel like love is enough.” Maddie sounded defeated and Sofia couldn’t bear it. “But it rarely is.” She sighed. “And I’ve never had your courage, your belief in us, and I just don’t know how we can do this.”

  “But you want me, you want us?” Sofia had to know.

  Maddie looked at Sofia for a long time. “Yes, I want you.”

  Sofia stood. She wanted so badly to hold Maddie. Maddie stepped away as soon as Sofia got close enough to reach for her, but then relented and let Sofia move into her arms. They held each other. Sofia could feel Maddie shaking.

  “You’ll realize we’re not enough for you and you’ll leave again, and I’ll never recover. I’m not strong enough for that, to love you and lose you again.” Maddie shook her head, wiping away tears from her cheeks.

  “You were always enough for me, Maddie, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise I want this. I’ve always wanted this. I know this is weird, and hard, and unexpected, but I know we can do this. I can put you first.” She twisted her body around in Maddie’s arms so that they were both facing the river, pulling Maddie’s arms tightly around her torso. “This is Paris, Mads, it would be wrong to be here and not to even try to do something about this insane and beautiful love story that we’ve been caught up in for so long.” Sofia felt Maddie relax slightly in their embrace. Hoping that she was letting herself believe, Sofia turned to face her.

  “Seeing you again, spending time with you, has made me realize that I never stopped wanting a life with you, I never stopped loving you, I just lost my way. But if there’s a hope, the smallest hope, that you could feel the same way and give us another chance, then I’ll do whatever you need me to do to make us work. I promise—”

  Maddie pulled her in for a kiss that made her senseless. She spread the fingers of one hand in the hair at the back of Sofia’s neck and put the other in the small of Sofi
a’s back, pushing their bodies together at the waist. Maddie said her name into the kiss and then moved her lips to Sofia’s ear, nibbling softly on the lobe. Sofia moaned at the sparks it sent around her body.

  “Take me back to the hotel.” The words were whispered, and Maddie’s eyes, when they looked at Sofia for an answer, were as black as the river next to them.

  Sofia captured her mouth in a long, hard kiss before taking Maddie by the hand and leading them back along the embankment toward the bridge. Maddie snaked an arm around Sofia’s waist and pulled her in a little closer.

  * * *

  Maddie watched Sofi fumble slightly with the keycard to her room and suddenly understood that she wasn’t the only nervous one. She closed her hand gently over Sofi’s and relieved her of the card, before opening the door and standing back to allow Sofi to go into the room ahead of her.

  Sofi turned to her, reaching for her hand, her eyes wide and full of want. Maddie wanted to ask her if she meant what she said, if she really knew what she was doing. Tomorrow was the last time they’d see each other in a long time, and yes, she wanted to ask if this scared Sofi as much as it scared her. But when Sofi stepped closer to her, she realized that none of her questions mattered. Having Sofi this close to her—kissing her, touching her—was intoxicating and she couldn’t make herself care about tomorrow. She pulled Sofi into her arms and claimed her with a possessive, urgent kiss. Sofi pushed against her body, meeting her kiss with the same urgency, the same wanting.

  “I know I won’t see you for a while, but I want you to know how I feel.” Sofi faltered, a cloud passing across her face. She pulled Maddie close again, pressing her lips to Maddie’s and running her hands down Maddie’s back before resting them on her ass and using them to press their bodies together even more tightly. Her hard, demanding kisses telling Maddie what she felt without need for words. She pulled away, leaving Maddie breathless.