Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  She peered out the window. She couldn’t see anyone else, and there was no sign of any of their equipment anywhere. She was mightily confused. Even if they’d decided to reshoot some of the house scenes, they all took place at night so being here in the bright light of the morning made no sense. Another car pulled up behind hers as she stepped out, and she watched as Rick and Carly got out accompanied by a sharply dressed woman of about fifty.

  “Hey.” Rick nodded in her direction. “Hope we didn’t keep you waiting, we had to swing by and pick up Marie. Felix found her. She’s going to help us with the contract we need to get him to sign before we get started. Crazy times.”

  Marie held out a hand and Maddie shook it politely.

  “I don’t understand. What contract? And who’s going to need to sign it?”

  Rick looked at Carly and then back at her. “Did you not speak to Felix or Sofia this morning?”

  Maddie didn’t know what the hell was going on.

  “I spoke to Sofi, but it was pretty early.” Rick couldn’t have known they’d spent the night together, but she flushed with embarrassment anyway. “She told me some of it.” She didn’t want to say any more, not sure what Rick had been told. They stood in silence, looking at each other.

  “All I know is that we’re reshooting all of the Claudine scenes.”

  “All of them? She wasn’t that bad.”

  “And Marie is here to get Guillaume to sign a contract to replace her.”

  “Guillaume? The guy whose house we used?” Maddie rubbed her face in confusion. The lack of sleep wasn’t helping. “To be honest, I don’t understand what the hell is going on.”

  “We’re reshooting the video with Guillaume in the Claudine role. Last minute decision obviously, and he’s lucked out because we don’t have time to find anyone else. Apparently, the woman-on-woman thing has caused real problems for Sofia and she’s decided to play it safe. Felix called me at stupid o’clock and told me to be prepared to keep everyone on for another day and night. It could be a lot worse. There weren’t that many scenes where Claudine and Sofia were together so reshooting them can be done today and Sofi can go to London and we can work with Guillaume on the rest—”

  “We’re reshooting with a man? Because Sofia had some problems?” She repeated what Rick had said.

  The meaning finally sank in. Sofi was straight-washing the video. Presumably to rescue the collaboration with Little Boy. The collaboration she’d been so excited about, so convinced she needed.

  “Are you sure?” She needed Rick to be wrong somehow.

  “Yeah, sorry, it’s disappointing to me too. But Guillaume already said yes. Marie’s here to sign the contract. Felix told us to spend what we need to stay on and fix things. I thought you knew. That’s why I asked you to come. If we’re going to rescue this, we need to get Guillaume briefed and ready to go. We’re probably going to have to use his own wardrobe too. Let’s hope he has a tux.” Rick was all business.

  Maddie wanted to cry, scream, and shout all at once. The feelings whirled in her chest. She hadn’t expected this. Sofi had left her this morning seeming like she was going to stand up for herself this time, seeming like she had decided that this career of hers was not the only thing that was important to her. She leaned forward and put her hands on her knees. The wave of nausea caught her by surprise.

  “Are you okay?” Carly asked.

  “Yeah, sorry.” Maddie righted herself, but she was anything but okay. She tried to gather her thoughts “You’re going to have to do it without me though. I can’t stay. I’ve got Mateo to get back for. I thought we were just doing a couple of hours this morning.”

  “That was the plan.” Rick shrugged. “Not anymore.”

  Maddie couldn’t stop thinking about last night. She had given in, let herself feel everything she’d been fighting for weeks. Worse, she’d let herself hope. How many more lessons like this did she need?

  “I get it if you have to go though. We can finish this without you. We did all the hard stuff already.”

  Maddie realized something.

  “Sofi is staying on to do the house scenes, the kissing scene, with Guillaume.” It wasn’t really a question. It was just the reality dawning.

  “Felix said to make sure we do those scenes as soon as it’s dark enough so she can still get to London tonight.”

  Maddie shook her head. Sofi was going to abandon her “truth” in a suburb of Paris and then go and collaborate with a homophobe. If Rick wasn’t in front of her saying the actual words, she wasn’t sure she’d believe it.

  “I’m sorry, guys, but I’m going to go. I’m not feeling great to be honest.” She needed to get out of there before she made a fool of herself. She could feel tears pushing their way to the surface.

  “Sure, sure,” Rick said.

  She climbed into the car without any more of a good-bye and asked the driver to take her back to the hotel. She wasn’t sure if Sofi would still be there, but if she was, Maddie had absolutely nothing to say to her. She had walked out on Sofi when she found out about Noah. It was the right thing to do. The mistake she’d made was being naive enough to come back. And worse, to hope that Sofi would ever choose Maddie, ever choose her own happiness and truth, over her career.

  She dialed Ashley’s number, knowing it was barely three in the morning in Miami. She had to talk to someone and figured Ashley would answer. As she waited for the call to connect, she couldn’t stop the tears from finally falling.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sofia had made it clear that she wasn’t just looking for a show to air her new video but was also offering an exclusive interview to go with it. Felix had made it clear she had something important to say, and they’d had no problem persuading several of them to agree to come to her house in Miami for the recording. In the end, she’d chosen Brooklyn Beals and her network, because Brooklyn had always been kind about her music and because Brooklyn had once been as closeted as she was. They’d even been on a date once, what felt like a hundred years ago, before deciding that they didn’t have enough chemistry, or time, to do it again. But they’d stayed friendly, and Sofia believed she’d be supportive. In fact, when Sofia had sat down with her and explained exactly what was going on, she’d squealed with happiness and hugged her hard, and it was somehow exactly the reaction she’d needed to calm her nerves.

  “Twenty minutes and we’re good to go.” Felix stuck his head into the room.

  He had sorted out all the arrangements and seemed to have embraced the new strategy she’d outlined with an enthusiasm that had surprised her. He’d canceled the most imminent tour dates—to give them time for this interview—and pushed Rick to make sure the video was ready in record time. He’d also arranged several frustrating but ultimately productive meetings with the record company. All that in the few days since they’d got back from Paris.

  She sipped her tea and walked over to the window to watch them finish setting up. Brooklyn was sitting in one of the two Adirondack chairs, now angled to face each other on this side of the deck, while someone put the finishing touches to her hair and she flicked through her notes. On the other side of the deck sat a stool and a microphone stand that was being taped down to the floor by a young woman in shorts and a snapback. Sofia’s guitar was on a stand beside the stool. At the end of the segment, she was going to perform an acoustic version of the song. And she was going to do it for Maddie.

  In one way or another, of course, this was all for Maddie, but the chance to perform “Not This Time” for her was especially important to Sofia. It said everything she had been trying to get Maddie to believe about her intentions. And since it was the only live performance of the song she was intending to do for a long time, it had even more significance.

  She hadn’t tried to contact Maddie. The angry voice mail she’d received that morning in Paris had, amongst a lot of other things, asked her not to. And once Felix confessed the plans he’d made with Rick to reshoot the video with a male love in
terest, Sofia understood why Maddie was so mad at her. She could have been upset that Maddie hadn’t trusted her more, and had been quick to assume the worst, but it was a pretty reasonable assumption given her past behavior. Sofia had said a lot of words to Maddie about wanting things to be different, but now, with her actions, she was going to prove she meant it. And she had to hope that it was enough.

  She heard the front door open and close. She was expecting her mom. They had barely spoken since Paris, but Sofia wanted her mom here to witness this. This was important to her, as Sofia Flores the pop star, but it was just as important to her as Sofia Flores, her daughter. And since one of the decisions she’d taken in Paris was to end her mom’s involvement in her career, Sofia was determined they try to become mother and daughter again.

  Her mom stepped inside the living room. She had a large Tupperware box in her hands.

  “Some snacks for everyone. I wasn’t sure if you’d have time.” She put them on the counter.

  “Hey, Mama.” Sofia leaned against the couch and folded her arms. “Thanks for coming.” She felt defensive and nervous.

  “Your father told me I should.” Her mom looked at her with uncertain eyes.

  “Well, I’m glad anyway. This is important to me.” Sofia held her mom’s gaze. This was hard. She had so much respect for her mom, for the journey she’d made, for the family she’d shaped, for the support she’d always given her, but on this, Sofia’s love for Maddie, her mom had always had a massive blind spot.

  Sofia decided to just say what she had to say. There was nothing she could do to make her mom happy about any of it. “I emailed you the final cut of the video this morning. I wanted you to see it before it drops tonight. I hope you liked it. It’s a great song, and Maddie and Rick did a fantastic job with the video, and I’m as proud of it as anything I’ve ever done. And I hope one day you’ll be able to be proud of it too.”

  Her mom looked at her without speaking, looking like she was weighing what to say next. “And what do we tell Bella about her aunt’s new video?” Sofia assumed her mom was having another dig at her, but she looked genuinely confused.

  “Mama, Bella listens to a lot of music. She loves Hayley Kiyoko as well as Shawn Mendes. She knows that some songs are about women loving women, and some are about women loving men. She’s—” Sofia was going to say that Bella would be cool about it, but something stopped her. Was that wishful thinking on Sofia’s part?

  “Bella is young, Sofia.”

  “I know, but she’s watched plenty of movies, plenty of videos where people end up kissing. Even mine. She’s seen me kissing guys before, and seeing me kissing a woman isn’t going to harm her, Mama. It’s who I am, it’s part of what’s in the world, it’s natural and normal, and I’m just sorry that you don’t seem to see it that way.” Sofia was fighting to hold on to her temper and her tears. She closed her eyes to try to compose herself. When she looked back at her mom, she saw her wiping away her own tears.

  “I’m not prejudiced. I know you think I am but I’m not. I just wanted things to be easier for you, Sofia. I wanted a marriage and a family for you, grandchildren for me.” Her mom spoke without looking at her. Sofia crossed the space between them and took her mom’s hands.

  “Mama, if I have what I want, if Maddie and I can make this work this time, I promise you there’ll be a wedding and kids and dogs and so much babysitting that you’ll be sorry you ever wished for grandkids. I love her so much, and I never really stopped hoping that we’d get another chance. I really, really need you to find a way to accept this, to accept Maddie. She loves me but she’s scared to be with me, Mama. And a part of that is because she thinks everyone will judge us and be hostile, and you know what, some people will. But I need to be able to show her that at least my own family thinks it’s okay for us to love each other. If my own family won’t accept us, what hope do we have?” She waited, with a tight feeling in her chest, for her mom to respond.

  Her mom gripped her hands, holding them out in front of her. “She hurt you so much, Sofia. You loved her before and she left you, left you to suffer, and I can’t help worrying for you. I care too much to want that to happen again. Someone has to be the voice of reason. You’re too romantic, too full of love, to see straight. It’s my job to protect my children.”

  “Mama, that’s true. Sometimes wanting and loving someone so much means they have the power to hurt you, but it also means that the love is worth having. We both hurt each other—it was me as much as Maddie—and we had years apart because of it. Years that felt like living in the shadows. Now I feel like the sun has come out and I want to live in the sunlight with her. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. I just want you to stop fighting it, to love Maddie and be glad that we’ve found a way back to each other. Otherwise there’s no future for me and you.” Sofia was shaking with the effort she was making not to cry.

  Her mom stood silently in front of her. Sofia waited.

  “Your dad is so much better at this than me. And he had a lot to say to me when I got back from Paris. He reminded me that your abuela hated him for a long time because he wasn’t the nice Cuban boy she had in mind for me. She told me to stop seeing him, but I didn’t. We just got more devious about seeing each other behind her back. And when we had to confess we’d gotten engaged, we were both so terrified.” She squeezed Sofia’s hand. “But she was kind about it. We hadn’t expected that. I think she’d realized by then how pointless it was to try to get in our way, how unhappy it would make us.” She smiled. “And look at them now, he’s her golden boy. Your dad reminded me that no amount of me disapproving is going to keep you and Maddie apart. I’m going to just drive you away from us and make you unhappy. And I don’t want that.”

  Sofia couldn’t stop tears from falling. Her mom wiped them away.

  “You’re going to mess up your makeup.” She put an arm around Sofia’s shoulders. “I’m sorry I’ve been a monster lately, cariño. I know you love her, you always did. And I can see that she feels the same way. Seeing you together in Paris made it so clear to me. But this business is harsh, and I didn’t want you to get bruised by it. But if you’ve found a way to make sure that doesn’t happen, and if you’re sure about her…”

  “I’ve never been surer of anything. I just need to wait for Maddie to realize she feels the same way.”

  They looked at each other for a moment, both in their own thoughts.

  “Now, go do your interview and this big ‘coming out’ thing that you’re determined to do. And your dad and I are going to watch later and be proud of your strength even if I think there’s no need to tell everyone your business.” The words sounded as harsh as ever, but her mom had tears in her eyes as she spoke, and Sofia believed that she meant it when she said she’d be proud of her.

  “There’s every need, Mom. This is my way of making up for every lie I ever told that made people think I was straight. And it’s my way of helping make sure the people that come after me are less likely to have to do the same thing.”

  Felix stepped inside the house. He nodded at her mom.

  “They’re ready for you I think. They’re a bit worried about how the breeze is going to affect the sound quality, but they think they can clean it up ready for the broadcast later.”

  Sofia took a couple of deep breaths and walked slowly toward the gap in the sliding doors. She paused in the doorway, Felix by her side. Brooklyn was smiling in her direction. The ocean behind her had a magnificent azure color, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The universe had blessed her big day with the best possible weather. She had to hope the universe would keep smiling on her for what came next. The small crew was in position, waiting for her. Felix put a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to him.

  “I should have said this more often, but working with you has been a privilege. And you’re going to nail this like the boss you are. People are going to be surprised, but they’ll love the honesty and I think they’ll understand. I’m sorry I wasn’t
more supportive, that I was one of the reasons why this was harder than it needed to be.” He swallowed and Sofia smiled at the idea of even him getting all emotional. He’d been such a big figure in her life, and now she was going to live her life without him for a while. It would probably be good for both of them to have a break.

  “Here we go.” Sofia spoke to herself as she walked across the deck and settled on the chair next to Brooklyn. One of the crew began to fix a microphone to her shirt and another fussed with her hair.

  “All set?” Brooklyn reached out and put a hand on her arm.

  Sofia nodded, running her fingers through her hair nervously as the director cued them by slowly counting down from five.

  Brooklyn faced forward and smiled.

  “Welcome to Pop Weekly. I’m here with Sofia Flores at her beautiful beach house in Miami,” she waved her hand to indicate the view, “and, boy, do we have some special exclusives for you guys tonight. We’re gonna drop Sofia’s controversial new video and Sofia’s gonna drop a bombshell or two that absolutely none of us were expecting. Grab some popcorn, get comfortable, and get ready to be shook by all the tea we’re gonna be spilling.”

  “You’re making it sound so dramatic.” Sofia raised an eyebrow in the direction of the camera.

  “It’s my job.” Brooklyn laughed. “And it is kinda dynamite.”

  “I guess.” Sofia smiled as she spoke. “It’s also kind of ordinary for me.”

  Felix and her mom stood side by side in the doorway. Felix gave her a thumbs up.

  “So, let’s talk about this new video. You, in Paris, and a sexy plot line that’s gonna blow people’s minds. Earlier you described it to me as giving yourself the chance to show people something of who you really are. Let’s start there. What did you mean by that?”

  Sofia should have felt terrified by all of it. She was about to come out and admit to not just hiding, but actively lying, about her personal life for years. It could end up costing her half a million dollars and everything she’d ever worked for. But rather than feeling fearful, she felt calm and happy She was finally going to be herself—in public and private—and she wanted to make Maddie proud of her. It was important to start to live her own truth, but, more than that, she also hoped it was going to be the thing that meant Maddie would give them the chance at a life together, the chance she knew in her soul they both wanted.