by M. Robinson
I wouldn’t stop fighting for her. I would prove to her that she’s the one. I would get on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness if that’s what it took for her to just talk to me.
I expected nothing but hoped for everything.
She’s it for me.
Chance heard shuffling in the sand as I started to walk toward her, he barked and ran over to me, immediately recognizing who I was.
At least someone was thrilled to see me, let’s hope your mom feels the same way.
He had grown four times in size since the last time I’d seen him; he was no longer a puppy. It warmed my heart a little that she kept him; he was part of me, a part of us. It calmed my apprehension, which I was terribly trying to control.
She quickly got up and chased after him, blocking the sun from her eyes to see whom he was greeting. I caught her stare from my peripheral vision; she stopped dead in her tracks, just like I had done mere minutes before. She was undeniably caught off guard to see me and even blinked a few times in bewilderment. I smiled at her and petted Chance one last time before brushing the sand off my lap and slowly making my way toward her.
I had to overcome every instinct and impulse to not run to her and scoop her up in my arms, to hold her as tight as I possibly could, never wanting to let her go again. But I couldn’t scare her. I had to do this on her terms. It wasn’t about me anymore.
“What are you doing here?” she blurted out.
Ouch…not exactly the welcoming I was eager for. I chuckled and smiled from nervousness, hopefully breaking some of the tension, and she smiled and laughed back.
Much better…fuck. I missed that smile and laugh. They light up an entire room.
“You look more beautiful than I ever remember. I thought we could start over.” I grinned.
Honesty was the only thing I had going for me.
No more lies.
She cocked her head to the side and simultaneously moved her eyes to my ring finger, it had been bare for a little under a year and a half and that realization seemed to please her.
I took the opportunity and extended my right hand. “My name’s Sebastian Vanwell.” I nodded, smiling.
She grinned. “Ysabelle Telle,” she replied, shaking my hand. “My friends call me Ysa,” she added.
We stood there for a while; taking each other in, remembering the bond and connection we had since day one. All of the chemistry and passion was very much alive, breathing and pulsating around us and especially between us. I felt it in my bones, and most of all, my heart.
And that’s when I knew I still had a chance.
It wasn’t the end for us.
It was just the beginning.
I wasn’t expecting her to say I love you when I said it. She wasn’t ready. But that didn’t stop the selfish desire to want to hear it. There had never been any promises between us during our yearlong affair. I never told her I was going to leave my wife and she never told me she was going to leave VIP. That didn’t stop me from paying Madam for all of her time, though. I think back on it now and it’s sickening how much of a mess I created. Everything I put her through…
Her eyes have always been the windows to her soul. They had always spoken for her. Sometimes, when I looked at them, I saw my girl there. I saw Ysa. Most of the time, I didn’t, and I had to take a step back and remember that it was my fault. I had no one else to blame but myself. A daily reminder that I had to be patient, but I’m a man. We aren’t a patient gender. I didn’t want to start over, but I knew we had to. We had built a life together; at least it was to me. I had two lives that I kept separate and deceived everyone involved, most of all, myself. I was a fool to think that it wouldn’t blow up in my face. I lived day to day; I didn’t think about the future or the consequences. Not once.
I didn’t think about her.
I had broken Ysa in so many ways, and I hated myself for that because I prided myself on being the only person to be able to get through those tough-as-shit barriers. She handed me her heart and I greedily took it. Except, I’d slit minor cuts in it every day; the lies, the betrayal, taking my wedding ring off and putting it back on, all the times I took a shower before I left her condo. Making love to her. Leaving her…she knew every fucking time that when I left, I was going home to my family and I just expected her to welcome me with open arms the next time I saw her.
She did.
I’m a fucking bastard.
When I was thoroughly done stabbing her, I made sure to throw her heart right back in her face. Except that time, it wasn’t whole like it originally was…there were open wounds everywhere. And now I felt like I added salt to them.
Could she ever really forgive me?
Would she ever trust me again?
Only time will tell…
I won’t give up.
“Hey! What took you so long?” I asked from the kitchen.
“Oh! Chance has a mind of his own. What’s for dinner?” he replied nonchalantly.
“I grilled some Mahi and I’m almost done making the salad. Can you help set the table?”
“Of course.” He smiled.
It was amusing to watch Sebastian move around my 1,000 square foot home over the bar. For Chance and me, it was perfect. However, he was 6’4 and weighed 210; it didn’t stop my enjoyment from watching him struggle in my tiny kitchen.
I giggled.
He turned. “What’s so funny?”
I smiled. “Nothing…I think it’s adorable how big you are.”
“Oh yeah? You’re enjoying my awkwardness of trying to move around, Ysa?”
“Sort of.”
He shook his head and laughed it off.
We sat at the table eating with Chance begging at my side.
“Chance! Go!” he scolded.
Chance was very much like his owner and looked at him like, “Who the fuck are you?”
“Stop yelling at him,”
“He can’t beg at the table. We give him scraps in his bowl when we’re done eating. He needs to learn that.”
“That’s not how we do things. He’s not used to that.”
“I’ve been here for eleven weeks and he’s going to have to get used to it.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Right…but what are we going to do when you go back home? He’s just goi–”
“What?” he interrupted with a serious tone.
“What do you mean what?”
“Where did that come from?”
I cocked my head to the side. “Where did what come from? I’m just saying he’s going to revert back to begging when you leave because it doesn’t bother me that he begs. He’s my boy,” I sincerely explained, scratching Chance’s head. Much to his approval.
I looked back up at Sebastian. Why was he getting so pissed at me?
His head jerked back like I had slapped him. “Ysabelle, you think I’m going home?”
“Umm…yeah…I mean…what?” I scratched my head in confusion. “Christian is in Miami, your career is in Miami, your life is in Miami,” I clarified.
His eyes narrowed at me. “So what exactly do you think I’m doing right now?” He pointed back and forth between us. “What do you think this is?”
I instinctively raised my hands in the air in a surrendering gesture. I didn’t want to fight with him or get him angry. “Listen…I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just assumed that you would go back home.”
“Oh yeah? And what about you? What do you do?”
“I stay here, Sebastian. This is where I live. This is my home,” I reminded him.
“Fuck!” he roared and stomped away from the table.
Shit…
I downed my entire glass of wine in one gulp, took a deep breath, and stood to turn to him. He was pacing the living room back and forth, running his hands through his hair, frustrated.
“Seba–”
“What do you think we’re doing?” he argued, looking right at me. He looked crazed. I needed to stay calm to not provoke him.
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“I don’t…I don’t know what we’re doing…I just thought…fuck, I don’t know…” I reasoned.
“Let me get this straight, just to make sure I have all the facts here. For the last eleven weeks,” he stated, emphasizing his words, “we’ve been doing what exactly? Fucking? Is that all this is to you, Ysabelle?”
My eyes widened. “No…” I half-whispered, surprised.
“Then what? Please, enlighten me…because I thought we were trying to make things work as a partnership for the future, which is exactly where I fucking want to be with you. I had no idea that you intended for me to go back to Miami and leave you here. Do you think I would do that to you? That I would lose you again? Is this supposed to be a fucking game?”
I swallowed the saliva that was forming in my mouth. “I honestly don’t know.”
His mouth dropped open. “Ysa, I told you I loved you.”
“I know!” I yelled.
Jesus…how did we go from one thing to another?
“Sebastian, I know you love me, I know you always have…that’s not up for debate. I’m just confused, and it’s not because I don’t want to be with you or have a future with you. I want that more than anything. How could you say that to me?”
“What the fuck do you expect?” he reasoned.
“Some understanding maybe! I mean, is it not natural for me to assume that you would want to be near your son? How about work or money? What do expect me to think?”
“Fine…I’ll give you that. But answer this, what about us? What would happen to us if you lived here and I lived there? Huh?”
“I thought we would make it work. I mean, do the long distance thing…I guess. I didn’t think we wouldn’t be together.”
He nodded, then hesitated a few seconds. “I see.”
He sat down on the couch and slouched forward with his hands in prayer motion. Neither one of us said anything for what seemed like a long time. I started to clean up the uneaten dinner, tossing it in the garbage and then proceeding to clear the table.
I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings and I knew he was royally pissed at me. I had no idea how to make this better. I honestly thought he would go back to Miami and it never crossed my mind that he would want to stay. Here. With me. We loved each other, even though I hadn’t said it. It didn’t mean it wasn’t true, he knew it, too. When we were together, the whole world disappeared; it was just he and I. I didn’t think distance would take away the intense love we shared for each other. At least not for me.
I jumped when I heard the front door slam. All my reasoning and thoughts were gone in a blink of an eye, and all that remained were emotions and feelings; fear, loneliness, sadness, loss…
He walked out that door and he took my soul with him. I placed my hand on my chest; I couldn’t breathe. My other hand found the counter to support my trembling body.
What the fuck am I doing?
I didn’t think; I just reacted.
I ran toward the door and called out his name.
“I don’t…I don’t know what we’re doing…I just thought…fuck, I don’t know…” she stammered.
She didn’t know? What the fuck did she think I had been doing for the last eleven weeks?
I needed to calm down before I really lost my temper and took out all my own demons and frustrations on her.
This isn’t her fault…this is yours, Sebastian. You did this.
“Let me get this straight, just to make sure I have all the facts here. For the last eleven weeks”—I stated, purposely emphasizing the last two words. I had left everything for her, my career, my son, my parents. She’s home to me; that’s where I wanted to be—“we’ve been doing what exactly? Fucking? Is that all this is to you, Ysabelle?”
Her eyes widened in shock, but I needed to know how fucked-up of a situation I was in. Did this mean anything to her? Did we? Was I reading her all wrong?
“No…” she half-whispered. Which further pissed me off; Ysa wasn’t this timid. She was passionate and fought for what she wanted. Did she not want me anymore? Had I lost her?
I had to know. “Then what? Please enlighten me…because I thought we were trying to make things work as a partnership for the future, which is exactly where I fucking want to be with you. I had no idea that you intended for me to go back to Miami and leave you here. Do you think I would do that to you? That I would lose you again? Is this supposed to be a fucking game?”
I could see the apprehension written all over her beautiful face. “I honestly don’t know.” And there it was. The truth.
I wanted honesty, and that was it. She didn’t trust me, not even a little.
Fuck me.
My mouth dropped open. After everything I had told her and everything I had tried to do…she would think I would just leave her again?
Eleven weeks, Sebastian…it’s been eleven weeks. You’ve caused a year’s worth of damage. Be patient.
“Ysa, I told you I loved you.” It was all I could say.
“I know!” she yelled.
Yes, Ysa! Fight with me…show me something. Please! I’d die without you.
“Sebastian, I know you love me, I know you always have…that’s not up for debate. I’m just confused, and it’s not because I don’t want to be with you or have a future with you. I want that more than anything. How could you say that to me?”
Oh my God, I felt like I was losing my mind. So I just reacted. “What the fuck do you expect?” I attacked.
“Some understanding maybe! I mean, is it not natural for me to assume that you would want to be near your son? How about work or money? What do expect me to think?”
“Fine…I’ll give you that. But answer this, what about us? What would happen to us if you lived here and I lived there? Huh?”
“I thought we would make it work. I mean, do the long distance thing…I guess. I didn’t think we wouldn’t be together.”
I nodded and surrendered. “I see.”
My legs couldn’t hold my weight anymore. I wanted to break down; I had to sit. I slouched forward as soon as my body hit the couch cushion from the overwhelming need to want to fucking scream and rip my hair out.
This is your fault…you ruined everything…
My conscience was fucking with me. How could I have been so fucking stupid? What do I do? If I run to her, will she run away? Do I give it time? Do I leave?
I won’t. I can’t.
Mine.
But what if it’s not enough…
I couldn’t take it anymore; I needed a drink. She didn’t keep hard liquor upstairs; I needed to go down to the bar. The door slammed louder than I would have preferred, but I was pissed. I was fucking livid with myself. It’s not her fault. It’s fucking me.
I poured myself a shot of whiskey and then took down two more when I heard my name.
“Sebastian,” she shouted, panicked.
When I didn’t answer, the trampling of feet darted down the stairs at an alarming rate. I saw nothing but pure unadulterated fear when she reached the last step. She took one look at me and ran, rounding the corner and jumping straight into my arms.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian, I’m so sorry. Please don’t go! Please don’t leave me. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you! I swear I do. You have to believe me; you have to believe me,” she openly bawled.
I had never seen her break down like that. I didn’t recognize the tiny woman in my arms. I held her tighter and grabbed onto her ass–she understood my silent plea and wrapped her legs around my torso, angling herself higher onto my body and steadying her arms around my neck. Her face was still hidden in the nook of my neck, and I wanted more than anything to take away her pain and worry.
I’ll carry your entire burden, Ysa; just give it to me. I’m strong enough for the both of us.
She was hyperventilating between breaths, and I kissed all over the top of her head.
“Ysa…”
She whimpered and clung on to me harder.
“Ysa…my gir
l…I need you to look at me. I want to see those beautiful bright green eyes that show me the world.”
She sniffled and tried to control her breathing before taking a deep breath and finally looking at me.
There she is…there’s my girl.
“What’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours?” I whispered while laying soft kisses on her forehead.
“I…I…I don’t want you to leave.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry I made you mad. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I don’t know what I was thinking; I don’t want you to leave.”
I unintentionally laughed. “Ysa, I was never going to leave you, even if you kicked me out, I wouldn’t leave you. I belong to you. You belong to me.”
She sniffled again. God, she was fucking adorable. Her eyes were bright green and glowing and her mascara had started to run. She had this whole sexy, seductress, exotic thing going on.
“But…you left. You slammed the door.”
“What the fuck? Did you think I was leaving?”
Her forehead wrinkled and she nodded.
“Ysa, I came down here to get a drink. I know you don’t keep hard liquor upstairs.”
“Oh…” She blushed.
“I won’t ever leave you again, I promise.”
She bit her bottom lip.
“I love you. We will make this work. But you’re home to me. This is my home now. I’m not leaving you.”
She smiled and it lit up her entire face. “I love you, too, Sebastian. I always have.”
To hear those words come out of the woman that has consumed my everyday existence for the last two years was like winning the lottery. I knew she would hide from me again, I knew we still had countless obstacles to overcome, but in that moment, she was mine again.
All her walls and guards were down.
My girl…
There was no need for more talking, those three words were enough for me and I knew it took everything for her to say them. She was emotionally spent, as was I. The sudden urge to make her mine was overpowering. The immense emotions that we just shared and displayed took over and I wanted to carve my name into her skin. I wanted to brand her for the whole world to see that she belonged to me.