by M. Robinson
I feared that she thought I was leaving her behind. That I was choosing him over her but what was I supposed to do? I had to calm him down and explain.
I took one last look at her stunned and baffled demeanor, begrudgingly leaving her to chase after my son.
Have you ever seen your life flash before your eyes? People say it happens in seconds. That there are these picture images that run through your mind like a movie reel, one right after the other. Nothing makes sense, and then there’s this moment of clarity. Where everything just seems to fall into place. For one second, it all clicks and the voices are gone and you are alone with the truth.
She is ugly.
She is vicious.
She is you.
My worst nightmare, my deepest insecurities, my truths that I so desperately tried to ignore, and wanted nothing more than to bury and hide, were thrown in my face by an eight-year-old boy. It all came tumbling down on me like a force field and I was hanging onto the ledge by one finger.
The reality of my fairy tale was that I was going to say yes…
I wanted everything he had just promised. The marriage, the family, the children, the future. The happily ever after wrapped in one big bow with the simple response of a yes.
I stepped out of the hot tub and walked into our bedroom, closing the door behind me. I opened my drawer and grabbed a pair of black panties, and there before my very own eyes was a red envelope with my name on it. The same envelope that I hid on Christmas morning, I reached for it and brought it with me as I sat on the edge of the bed. I moved in autopilot, opening it. It was a black postcard with VIP etched on the front and I flipped it over to read the back.
Bella Rosa,
Merry Christmas my beautiful girl. I hope the New Year brings many revelations for you. Always remember that you have a family here and nothing will ever change that. A toast to you and finding your way back home.
Love,
Madam
My eyes caught the clock in the corner.
12:00am.
Happy fucking New Year.
I changed into some dry clothes and then knocked on Christian’s door before walking in. He was laying in bed with his back to me and the sheet pulled over his head.
“Christian, I know you’re not sleeping.”
He didn’t answer.
I took a deep breath, grabbed the chair, and faced it next to his bed. I slouched forward, placing my elbows on my knees.
“You know, when you were born I was scared shitless. We had tried for almost a year to have you and when your mom finally told me she was pregnant, I was thrilled. The entire pregnancy I couldn’t wait to meet and hold you. When we were at the hospital and they put you in my arms, I remember thinking, ‘Shit! He’s really here and I’m really a dad and I have no idea what’s going to happen.’ It was real then.”
He started to stir a little.
“Not knowing what’s going to happen in the future is difficult. It doesn’t matter if you’re eight, thirty, or sixty. The unknown is scary. The older you get, the more you realize how short life really is and how you need to make every day count as if it were your last. I don’t know what you know about our divorce, and one day when you’re old enough, I will happily tell you. I hope that you will learn from my mistakes. Just because I’m a dad doesn’t mean I don’t make them. I make them every day; the only thing I can do is try to learn from them.”
His body turned to face me, but the sheet was still over his head.
“I love your mom. And Ysabelle will never replace your mom in your life. Ever. That I can promise you. However, she can be a friend, a confidant, someone you play with…but she definitely needs to be someone that you respect, and then maybe, somewhere along the way, the feelings, the affection, the love part…might come. And I’m not saying it’s going to happen tomorrow or next week, or even next year for that matter.”
I could see him playing with his fingers under the blanket.
“I love her, bud. I love her a lot. The way you reacted, I can understand, but it was hurtful to Ysabelle and she doesn’t deserve that. She’s not the villain. You’re not going to treat her like that. I’m very upset about it. I’m sorry that I didn’t discuss the future with you, but to be honest, the proposal just sort of came out. You ever said anything that you didn’t think you were going to say and it just comes out?”
He nodded.
“Well…it was kinda like that. Your mom will always hold a place in my heart. Always. The thing about hearts, though, is that they have an enormous amount of room. It’s endless. There is no limit. I love you so much, Christian. I loved you even before you were born and your mom told me she was pregnant. I would never want to hurt you, and the fact you’re hurting right now…kills me.”
He pulled the sheet off his head and tears fell down his face.
“There’s going to be so much more change in your life. I can promise you that I will always be there, though. So will your mom. We’re parents to you, forever. Nobody I marry or she marries can ever come between that.”
He sniffed his runny nose. “I guess I could try.”
I smiled. “That’s all I ask.”
“Is she crying?”
“She’s not really a crier.” We laughed. “But I’m sure she’s very upset.”
He looked down at his hands. “I heard Mom say that to Grandma a really long time ago. I didn’t even understand what it meant, but Mom caught me listening and she explained to me that she was upset and didn’t mean it. Mom told me that she’s happier now than she has ever been. It makes me sad because I miss you.” He shrugged. “I just miss my family, that’s all. Anthony is nice and so is Ysabelle.”
“It makes me happy to hear that. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m better.”
“Okay.” I stood and kissed him on the head. “I love you, bud.”
“I love you, too, Dad.”
I closed the door behind me and propped my head on it. I knew that this conversation was much easier than the conversation that awaited downstairs. If I could even get her to talk…
I walked into the bedroom and she was packing.
“What are you doing?” I calmly asked.
“I need to get out of here,” she replied, putting more things in her suitcase. She made no sense–she was still wearing her bathing suit.
I kicked the door closed behind me. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re leaving me?”
She shook her head, blowing me off. “No…I just need some space. I changed my flight and you’ll be home in two days. It’s not that big of a deal.”
I yanked her by the arm to turn her to me and she closed her eyes.
“It’s a big fucking deal. I’m am so sick of you running every time something happens. Is this what you’re going to do for the rest of our lives?” I scolded.
She immediately opened her eyes and I didn’t recognize her. I grabbed onto her other arm, holding her in place in front of me. She didn’t falter, nor did she show any emotion. It only pissed me off further. The walls were back up and I was exhausted of playing this cat and mouse game.
“Talk to me. I know what just happened wasn’t easy for you. He’s a kid, Ysa. He doesn’t know what he was saying. I’m sorry he hurt you. You know that I would never want that to happen.”
“Let. Go. Of. Me,” she replied through gritted teeth.
“No.” I shook my head, holding on harder. “Listen to me! Just fucking talk to me; for once, tell me how you feel. It’s me, Ysa,” I reminded, slightly jarring her to emphasize who I was. “Do you have any idea what this does to me? Do you even fucking care? This isn’t just about you; it’s about us. I can’t keep fighting a losing battle, you have to help me.”
“It doesn’t matter!” she screamed right in my face. “None of it does. He’s right, Sebastian. I did break up your family. Not just yours, I’ve probably broken hundreds. Do you have any idea how many men I’ve fucked?” she sadistically said.
“I can
’t believe what I’m hearing spew out of your mouth.”
I was disgusted and it took everything inside not to react to her hateful words.
“How are we back here again?”
“Maybe we never left.”
“You don’t believe that,” I reaffirmed. “You’re just trying to hurt me. You’re trying to run away and the only way you can do that is by causing me pain.” I pulled her closer to me and she had to step forward to catch herself.
“I know you, Ysa. Your eyes speak everything to me every fucking time. You forget that.”
She lifted her to chin in defiance. “Come on, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it. You know Julia is right, somewhere deep inside, you know I was a whore. I’ve made millions on giving my body to people. I told you since day one that I preferred the married ones. It was a fucking game to me. I’m not a good person, I never was. You deserve better. You deserve someone like Julia, who is a perfect mother and was the perfect wife. I’m never going to be like that. Ever! Don’t you see that? I’m not made like that. Why do you think your kid hates me? Because he knows. He can sense it.”
“That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never seen you that way. Not once. You were never Ysa with them. Ever. Julia isn’t perfect, she’s so far from it and Christian is a child, he’s just reacting. He knows nothing. You can try to deny it all you want, but I know the truth. I’m fully aware of what you did and I don’t fucking care. Don’t you understand that I will take you any way that I can have you?”
She looked away and closed her eyes. I knew I was getting to her. I held her closer and kissed all over her face. Her eyes were so tightly shut that it wrinkled her face.
“Where’s Ysa? Where’s my girl? Open your eyes and look at me, let me see you,” I demanded, watching her internal struggle. “I love you. I love you with everything I have. You know that. I don’t care about your past, I’m your future and that’s all that fucking matters and you know that,” I shouted, hoping that it would sink in.
Tears slipped out of her closed eyes and it shattered my heart. I hated seeing her like that–if I could switch places with her, I would. I wished I could take away all her pain and self-loathing. She finally opened her eyes, but they were still cold and distant. It didn’t matter that she was crying. She wouldn’t give in and I was starting to get to my wits end. I was teetering on the sidelines with her, waiting for the direction she would take us. I would follow her anywhere. It didn’t fucking matter.
She didn’t hesitate. “Sebastian, I’m not fucking around. Let go of my arms,” she roared.
I cocked my head to the side and narrowed my eyes. “Or what? Huh? What are you doing to do, Ysa?”
Her pupils dilated and her eyes widened. She looked crazed. The next thing I knew, she drove her knee up and I had to let her go to block her from trying to kick me in the balls. I stumbled backward and she came at me.
“Fuck you! Why would you do this to me!” she screamed, pushing and punching me in the chest over and over. “I was fine! I was fine before I met you! Why did you come after me! Why did you find me! This is all your fault! Why couldn’t you have just left me alone!” she yelled, never letting up on hitting me.
I didn’t know what to do; I was stunned. I left my hands in the air, allowing her to take out her frustrations on me. When my back hit the wall, she didn’t stop.
“I don’t know who I am anymore! I don’t know if I ever did! Why do you want to be with me? I’m so fucked up!” she openly wept, unable to control her turmoil.
“I know who you are!” I shoved her hands away and roughly grabbed her face, bringing her toward me. She whimpered as if my touch caused her agony. “Look at me. I know who you are. You’re mine! And I’m yours. I couldn’t leave you alone because I can’t fucking breathe without you.” I kissed at her mouth. “You’re my air, you’re my life, you’re my everything.”
“I’m so fucked up!” she bawled, shaking her head back and forth, trying to move away from me. “I’m sorry I can’t be better for you! I’m sorry you have to deal with me! I hate myself for what I put you through. I ruin everything!”
“Never. You’re my girl.”
She frowned and slid to the floor. I went right along with her. I pulled her into my arms and she let me, holding her as tight and close as I could.
“I’m not a good person…I’m not a good person…” she repeated.
“Shhh…it’s going to be okay…shhh…just breathe, baby…” I whispered, kissing her all over her head.
I never thought I would see the day that she would break down and fall apart.
How did I not see this coming?
He held me until I had calmed down and my breathing steadied, and then carried me over to the bed. I panicked when he moved away from me, but he reassured me that he was getting the blanket because I was shivering. It was then that I noticed that I still had my wet bathing suit on. He sat up against the headboard and I hugged him, lying across his lap with my face buried on his stomach. He pulled the covers up to my shoulder and rubbed at my arms.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he emphasized with sincerity and hurt in his voice.
“I’m fucked up, Sebastian, and I think I’ve always been like this. I’m scared I’m never going to find out, though.” I took a deep breath. “I can’t marry you,” I said, holding him tighter. “I do love you. I love you so much that it petrifies me; I lose more and more control every day that I am with you and I am beginning to wonder if that’s the reason that I’m losing it.”
“Ysa, I’m not letting you go. I’ve known since day one that you are your worst enemy. We’ll work through it together. I don’t care about anything else as long as you’re by my side.”
I nodded.
“Just know that I talked to Christian and he feels badly about what he said. It’s my fault, not yours. I’m sorry that I put you in a situation where you got hurt. I just didn’t think. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t want you to be my wife because I do. I want it so bad that it hurts, but the way I feel in my heart surpasses any piece of paper. I don’t want you to be Julia; I would still be with her if I wanted that. I want you. Just you.”
“I wish I could give you everything that you wanted,” I murmured.
“You will. I know you will.”
We didn’t speak after that. I think we both had said enough. I listened to his breathing and heartbeat till it lulled me to sleep.
That night, I didn’t dream about the past. I dreamt about the future.
And for the first time…
It terrified me.
I was the first to awake the next morning. I was lying on Sebastian’s chest with a leg on top of him and his arms were wrapped around me. I slowly removed myself from him so that I didn’t wake him. I changed into sweatpants and a sweater. My head was pounding; I needed coffee with a possible splash of Baileys.
Christian was eating cereal on the kitchen island and there was another bowl of cereal next to him. He poured in milk when he saw me coming.
“I know you like this kind of cereal so I made you breakfast.”
I grinned. “Thank you.”
I sat down next to him and we ate in silence for a few minutes.
“Do you still have that dog?”
“I do.”
“My mom says I’ve met you before, but all I remember is your dog. Maybe I can meet him again.”
“That would be cool.”
“My dad looks really happy when you’re around.”
“You think?”
He nodded. “I know. I’d like to see him more. I miss him a lot.”
“He misses you a lot, too.”
“Maybe I could come visit him?” he asked, peeking over at me.
“I’m sure that wouldn’t be a problem.”
“I could see your dog again, too.”
“Definitely.”
He bit the corner of his lip.
“Maybe we could hang out or something. You know, whatever.” He shrugged.
“I’d like that.”
“Okay.”
He grabbed our empty bowls and cleaned them out in the sink. He dried them and then put them away and walked back over to me.
He looked down at his feet. “You want to go play PS3 or something?”
“I don’t really know how to play.”
He looked up. “It’s okay, I can teach you. We’ll just start from the beginning,” he added.
For some reason, I knew that meant more than just the game.
We were playing for about an hour when Sebastian walked in. The look on his face was priceless and I winked at him.
“Hey, Dad, I taught Ysabelle how to play Black Ops, she’s pretty good for a girl.”
“Oh yeah?”
“You want to play, Dad? I could set up another player.”
“I’d love to play.”
He came up behind me and kissed my cheek, taking a seat right in the middle of us and I put my legs on his lap.
We spent the New Year playing Black Ops and made love later that night. The next day, we went home.
Two more months went by. We never talked about New Years Eve again. We both jumped back into work when we came home and everything returned to the way it was.
I was on the phone when she walked inside.
“Yeah, Jen, I really appreciate you holding onto it this long. I should have called you sooner, but I think we’re going to pass on the house.”
She was pretending to look through the mail, but she was really eavesdropping.
“Yeah, I understand, it’s a hell of a deal. It’s not the right time for us.”
I could see her mind spinning as she stirred from foot to foot and then she started to bite her nail on her thumb.
“Yeah…no, it’s fine. Maybe next time and don’t worry you’ll be the first—”
“Tell her you’ll call her back,” she interrupted. “And tell her not to do anything yet.”
My eyebrows lowered as I spoke into the phone. “Jen, let me give you a call back and don’t do anything yet. Okay, bye.”