by M. Robinson
“And I think it’s hilarious that you still call me out on it when you know I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What if I turn off the lights? Hmmm…we’ll lay here and just see what happens. Want to try that?”
She shrugged and I took it as a yes. I turned everything off and saw her faint shadow as I wrapped myself around her again. We laid there in comfortable silence and after a while, I thought she had fallen asleep and I closed my eyes.
“Sebastian,” she whispered.
“Mmmm…”
“Are you sleeping?”
“No.”
“Are you tired?”
“No.”
“Tell me the best memory you have.”
I smiled, opening my eyes. “I have a lot of great memories.”
“Give me the best memory you have from childhood.”
“Why?”
“Just tell me.”
“Okay,” I sighed. “When I was…I want to say nine, I think, my dad was always working and never went to any of my baseball games, my mom was always there, though. All the players on the team had their dads at every game and I said something to my mom about it. Later that night, I heard shouting coming from their bedroom. It was the first time I ever heard them fighting. At the next game, I remember looking up in the stands to wave to my mom, like I did every game, and my dad was there. Sitting right by my mom with the biggest smile on his face. After that, he was there for every game, never missed one again.”
“That’s an awesome memory,” she murmured.
“Yeah…I learned that day that men will do anything when they love someone, and behind every great man, there’s a strong woman.”
She took a deep breath. “I don’t have a best memory from childhood. At least I don’t remember any…I used to pretend that I had this perfect family somewhere in the world and that they were looking for me. That my mom had stolen me from someone and that one day, they were going to find me and take me away from her.”
“Ysa…” I coaxed.
She restlessly chuckled. “You have a really nice family. You, Julia, and Christian were everything I wanted as a kid. Christian’s really lucky. Julia is an amazing mom. You can tell that she was born to be one.”
I didn’t know what to say. I knew she was physically there with me but emotionally and mentally she was somewhere else entirely.
“My Mom used to have sex all around the house. I learned what sex was when I was…fuck…six maybe. I can’t tell you how many times I accidentally caught her fucking some random and she never stopped. They just kept going. She gave me a doll once and I loved it so much. It was the only thing she ever gave me.” She paused, her voice started breaking.
I held her tighter and kissed her shoulder repetitively. As much as I hated hearing about her childhood and her piece of shit mother, I wanted her to tell me everything. It’s not healthy for anyone to hold that all in and I knew that she was telling me something she had never told a soul.
She cleared her throat and sniffled. “I had done something at school, I don’t even remember what it was, but she was pissed when I got home. She took my doll and burned her right in front of me. She said it was my punishment for being a bad girl.” She shook her head, trying to push away the image I was sure. “It was the only toy I ever had. I fucking hated her after that. How do you hate your mom when you’re seven years old?”
“Ysa, she was never a mom. Not one day,” I reassured her, hoping she believed me.
“She’s the woman that gave me life. I wouldn’t be lying here with you without her. I think that makes her pretty important.”
“That’s the easy part. She didn’t raise you.”
“Yeah…” she pondered. “What’s your worst memory from childhood?”
Fuck.
“Ysa, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“You don’t have to. You just answered it. It’s when Olivia died, isn’t it?”
I nodded.
She looked like she was contemplating what to say next.
“Mine was being raped,” she blurted, like she was telling me about the weather. “For the longest time, I thought about what I could have done differently. I didn’t do anything…I laid there and let him do whatever he wanted to. I didn’t make a sound, I didn’t move, nothing. I made it easy for him,” she choked. “It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about…but maybe the reason I didn’t react was because subconsciously I liked it? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Sebastian. I grew up to be a whore, too. I did it with class, so to speak, but it doesn’t change the fact that I grew up to be like her. Like mother like daughter.”
I immediately pulled away and she fell to her back. I hovered above her and by the look on her face, I might have scared her.
“Listen to me, I will only say this once. You are NOTHING like her. Don’t you ever compare yourself to that vile excuse for a human being again. Fucking animals are better mothers to their offspring than she was to you. She took away your innocence and made you believe it was your fault, Ysa, that’s fucking sick. I would kill her if I knew it would take away all these thoughts that you think are so true.”
Her eyes widened.
“She’s a waste of air. A piece of garbage has more sustenance than she does. You know how to love, Ysa. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word. You would never be anything like that to our children. It doesn’t matter that she gave you life–that’s all she fucking did for you. And it was for pure selfishness. You’re a good person in your heart, mind, body, and soul; I know that.”
I caressed her cheek. “Baby, you gotta believe that. Please tell me you know that?”
Her eyes veered for one split second, but I saw it.
“I do.”
And she boldfaced lied to me.
I didn’t sleep at all that night. I hadn’t been sleeping for days and I was exhausted. My body felt rundown. I had been thinking a lot about Madam. She was the only woman that has ever taken care of me. A mother figure. Where would I have been if I hadn’t met her? Would I have stayed at the bar with Devon?
If I had stayed with VIP, would I still be feeling like I am? I was perfectly fine before Sebastian; I didn’t have a care in the world. I loved what I did. As I lay there with his arms securely wrapped around me, I felt safe. He was home to me. I loved him so much that sometimes it hurt to breathe. I think about him all the time. I wanted to make him happy.
But how can something that started off so wrong become something that is so right? It can’t. It’s already tainted. Did I deserve a happily ever after?
My life had always been a giant puzzle, where I would find different pieces scattered here and there. I thought when I left VIP, I had finally found the last piece. I was complete. Then Sebastian found me and I started to think that the pieces weren’t in the right places so I tried to move them around, desperately wanting them to fit somewhere. Except now, I couldn’t place them together; the angles were all wrong and they weren’t connecting. They’re not staying. I’m once again, incomplete.
I thought I needed control and power and that’s what led me to VIP. I left because I wanted more out of life. Almost three years later, and I’m more lost than I was when I left. I have turned into a person I didn’t recognize anymore. I’m weak, I’m scared, I’m confused.
I thought love was supposed to be easy?
We had spent the next few days relaxing and I watched their interactions like a hawk. The more time I spent with them, the clearer it became. It was Saturday and they left the next morning. I had my chef prepare a five-course meal and I reserved one of the best tables at Chances for us.
“Ysabelle! This is amazing. The food, oh my God, I have definitely gained five pounds off this meal. So worth it!” Julia praised.
“Thank you.”
We spent the rest of the night drinking, dancing and trying to have them enjoy their last night on the island. Christian went upstairs to our old place because it was getting lat
e and he was tired. We hung out for a few more hours and it was starting to get late so Julia went to go get Christian and Sebastian went with her to let her in. I stayed with Anthony.
“Thanks for your hospitality while we’ve been here, Ysabelle, it was really nice of you.”
I smiled. “It’s not a problem.”
“Do you still talk to Madam?” he asked, catching me completely off guard.
I arched an eyebrow. “You do recognize me,” I stated.
“I do. Julia also told me about your history.”
“Oh. Umm…to answer your question, I do. Sometimes.”
“I remember you being a lot different.”
“What do you mean?”
“No offense, but you seemed more alive back then. I’m not saying you don’t look happy because you do. I mean, it’s obvious you guys are crazy about each other.”
“We are.”
“I assume it would be hard to live a normal life after what you’ve already experienced.”
“Yeah…I guess…maybe.” I smiled. “I’m going to go check on them.”
He nodded.
I walked up the stairs, trying not to think about our conversation. The door was slightly ajar and I peeked in. They were sitting on the couch, both their backs to me. Christian’s head was on Julia’s lap and she was playing with his hair.
“I really like Anthony,” he said. “He seems like a nice guy.”
“He is.” She hesitated. “I’m in love with him.”
“That’s awesome.”
“I think he’s going to ask me to marry him, Sebastian.”
“Wow. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you.”
“I know. I can’t wait. I want to marry him and have more kids. I’m not getting any younger and I would like to have at least two more.”
He nodded.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
My heart was beating out of my chest.
“I can’t help but think about Ysabelle. I mean, here you are talking about getting married and having more kids and I am dying for the same thing.”
“Oh my God! That’s amazing. Why would that make you sad?”
“I asked Ysabelle to marry me on New Years Eve.”
“What? You’re engaged?”
“No. Christian caught us and it was pure chaos. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”
“Not at all. He told me he had a great time.”
“That’s good.”
“So what happened?”
“Well…I asked her to marry me and for a second, I thought she was going to say yes, but then Christian interrupted; it was a disaster, I had to chase after him.”
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. I found her after and she was packing to leave. She had a complete meltdown and to be honest, things haven’t been the same since. I don’t think she’s ever going to want to get married and have kids.”
“You don’t know that, maybe she needs more time.”
My heart was breaking to hear his admission.
“Julia, the more I learn about her…” He shook his head. “She’s so broken and I want to put her back together, but I don’t think I will ever be able to. I can’t help her when she doesn’t even know what she needs.”
“But you’re what she wants, Sebby. That’s huge.”
“I know. I’ll take her any way I can.”
“But…”
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this.” He took a deep breath and I swear I was holding mine.
“I’ve lived my life for everyone else, Julia, you know that. Ysabelle was the first selfish thing I ever did. I love her. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her. I know she’s my soul mate.”
I smiled at his words.
“But I would be lying if part of me isn’t terrified that she won’t ever want to get married and have a family, that I will be sacrificing myself for someone else again and that I will resent her.”
My hand immediately went to my chest and I swear on everything that is holy, I couldn’t fucking breathe. The air from my lungs had literally been sucked out of me and my heart was shattering, breaking with shards of glass that were etching their way out of my skin and leaving scars in their wake. Wounds that would never be able to heal. The blood drained from my face and tears came pouring down. I needed to get the fuck out of there. I went into the bathroom and composed myself as best as I could. I told Anthony that I had an awful headache and needed to leave. I got back to the house and stood in the foyer, looking at everything around me. The life I was building, the future, my happiness. The house of cards came tumbling down and I fell to the ground with it, bawling my eyes out with the truth that I tried to ignore.
It finally slapped me in the face.
I just never thought it would be by Sebastian’s hand.
“But you’re what she wants, Sebby. That’s huge.”
“I know. I’ll take her any way I can.”
I know in my heart that I’ll love her forever.
“But…”
Maybe if I say it…if I let the fear free, then it will no longer haunt me.
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this.” I took a deep breath, trying to build up the courage. “I’ve lived my life for everyone else, Julia, you know that. Ysabelle was the first selfish thing I ever did. I love her. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her. I know she’s my soul mate.”
She’s all that and more. Words can’t explain what she means to me.
“But I would be lying if part of me isn’t terrified that she won’t ever want to get married and have a family, that I will be sacrificing myself for someone else again and that I will resent her.”
“Oh, Sebby,” she sympathized. “I don’t think that’s true at all. Your love for each other can surpass anything.”
“I know. Julia, she had the worst upbringing. The things she went through no child should ever experience.”
She frowned.
“I know I have to be patient. I’ll take her any way I can. I couldn’t live without her, I’ve tried.”
“I understand.”
“The way she sees herself is mind blowing to me. She would be a great mom, and I already feel married in my heart. I think it’s more about the fact that I want her to let me in and I know what it’s like to have a child with someone. I want that bond with her. That connection that you created life together and no one can take it away from you.”
“Do you think you’re going to lose her?”
“No. I’d fight for her.”
“Then that’s all that matters.”
Anthony was talking to some locals when we came back down. I held a sleeping Christian in my arms. He told us that Ysabelle said she had a headache and went home. I would have gone home with her; I called her cell phone, but she didn’t answer. It took us a while to get a cab and all the lights were off when we got back to the house. I placed Christian in his bed and said goodnight to Julia and Anthony. The room was dark and I saw her sleeping form under the covers. I took a quick rinse and changed into some gym shorts. I didn’t want to wake her. I put my arms around her and she didn’t stir.
I swear that I heard her say, “I’m sorry,” right before I fell asleep.
It was our year anniversary and I had planned a romantic dinner at the house. Ysabelle hadn’t been feeling well for a few days and went to the doctor that morning. She called to tell me it was stress related and that she was going to go check on a few things at the bar and would be home for dinner. I knew she was emotionally spent. She had been distant and withdrawn since Julia left. She was pulling away from me more and more every day. I gave her space, hoping that it was the right decision. I didn’t want to push her, knowing that it wouldn’t work—it’d only make it worse. I wanted to make it a special evening for her. I prepared all her favorite foods and bought the most expensive bottle of champagne I could find.
Chance started barking when he heard the garage door open.
> “Hey, Chance, how’s my boy?” she greeted, scratching his head. “Wow! What’s all this?” she asked looking at the dining room table.
“Come here,” I said, pulling her to me. “You never let me hold you anymore, unless we’re in bed.”
She snuggled into my chest and it was the first time since Julia left that I actually felt her. She embraced me the way she used to, like she didn’t want to let me go.
“You okay?” I asked, kissing the top of her head.
“Mmm hmm…”
“I told you I wanted to spoil you tonight for our anniversary.”
“Oh yes, I remember.”
We ate dinner, laughed and talked. It was great, but there was something behind her eyes that had been there since they left. She hid it well, although I could tell.
“Do you want your gift?”
She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Of course.”
God I missed that smile.
I left to go grab her gift and when I came back, there was a wrapped present for me on the table.
I handed it to her. “You first.”
She opened it and gasped. “Oh my God, Sebastian.”
It was a white gold Cartier bracelet and I had our initials engraved on it.
“The salesman told me there’s a story behind these bracelets, you're supposed to give them to someone that you want to be with forever. Once it's locked and screwed in place, your love is eternal.”
She looked up at me with glossy eyes. “Thank you.”
“Here let me help you put it on.” I grabbed her wrist and put in place. “Gorgeous.”
She smiled.
“Open yours.”
I opened it and it was a Rolex silver vintage watch.
“I bought it for you when we were in Miami. The salesman said that antique watches are supposed to be timeless pieces and given to someone that is forever. Endless.”
“Thank you, Ysa, I love it.” I put it on. “I guess we had a theme without even knowing it, huh?”
“Looks like it.”
I kissed her.
“You did all this, I’ll clean up.”
I nodded. I wanted to prepare for her next surprise. I finished as I heard her calling out my name down the hallway.