She had set off again, moving closer to the wall, when she heard footsteps pounding along the pavement behind her. Having her head bowed against the rain, she didn’t notice the runner drawing alongside her. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a familiar voice spoke in her ear.
‘Here, give me some of those bags. It will be quicker if we both carry them.’
She swung round, unable to hide her surprise when she saw who it was. ‘Ben! What are you doing here?’
‘I certainly wasn’t following you, if that’s what you’re wondering. I happened to see you as I came out of the park.’ He gave her a grim smile and she felt herself flush.
‘I never thought you were following me,’ she denied hotly, glaring at him, then felt her anger get hijacked along the way when she suddenly realised what he was wearing, which was remarkably little, quite frankly.
Anna took a deep breath but it was impossible to control the sudden lurch her pulse gave as her eyes swept down the length of his body. The outfit that Ben had on was perfectly appropriate for what he had been doing. However, there was little doubt in her mind that the sight of his muscular body clad only in those brief, black running shorts and vest would have had an effect on even the sternest female heart!
She quickly averted her gaze, terrified that he would guess what was going through her mind. She wasn’t a prude by any means, but was it really right to have been dwelling on the length and shape of his powerful legs with such enjoyment? Should she have been deriving such pleasure from studying the narrowness of his hips and waist? Or gaining so much satisfaction from gazing at those gleaming wet pectoral muscles? She didn’t think so!
‘Come on, Anna. Do you want a hand with those bags or not? It’s up to you.’
She blinked when she heard the impatience in his voice. ‘I…hum…’
It was on the tip of her tongue to refuse when Ben took the decision from her. ‘We’ll both end up with pneumonia if we stand here much longer while you try to decide if you can trust me,’ he snapped, taking most of the shopping bags from her.
‘Trust you?’ she said uncertainly.
‘Uh-huh.’ He held up his hand as though he were swearing an oath. ‘I promise on my honour that this isn’t a ploy to get you back to your flat and have my wicked way with you. I just wanted to help you, although I’m beginning to wish that I’d curbed my Boy Scout instincts.’
Anna blushed hotly. The worst thing was that she couldn’t think of a word to say in her own defence. Fortunately, Ben didn’t wait around to hear her reply. He set off up the road at a fast lope, leaving her to trail after him, miserably aware that she had made a fool of herself. Even though she hadn’t imagined for a second that he had been planning to have his ‘wicked way’ with her, there was no way on earth that she could have explained what had been going through her mind!
They walked back to the flat in total silence. Ben kept a couple of steps ahead of her all the way, giving her no opportunity to say anything even if she’d wanted to. He paused at the bottom of the steps leading up to the flat. ‘Leave the shopping here and I’ll bring it up. You go and unlock the door.’
Anna just managed to stop herself saluting when she heard the imperious note in his voice. However, it didn’t seem worth promoting an argument. She ran up the steps and opened the door, moving aside so that he could carry the shopping bags inside.
He plonked them on the kitchen table then turned to leave. ‘That’s it, then. I’ll see you on Monday.’
‘Wait!’ Anna didn’t know where that word had sprung from. She certainly hadn’t been intending to say it. She shrugged when he looked at her, seeing the chill in his dark eyes, and couldn’t help wishing that she could do something to repair the damage that she had caused the previous Saturday, but she didn’t know how to go about it.
‘Thank you for helping me,’ she said instead, falling back on good manners when all else had failed. ‘I really appreciate it.’
‘You’re welcome.’ There was slightly less coolness in his voice now but she couldn’t decide if it was due to her apology or to the shiver that had racked him. She frowned when she saw the goose-bumps that had broken out all over his skin.
‘You’re absolutely freezing!’ she exclaimed in concern.
‘I’ll live.’ He turned towards the door once again but Anna knew that she couldn’t let him leave. It was pouring down with rain and, from the look of the sky, likely to keep on doing so for some time to come. She couldn’t in all conscience let him go home in weather like that.
‘Look, why don’t you wait here until the rain slackens off a bit? It’s stupid getting soaked when you don’t have to.’
‘I doubt if I could get any wetter,’ he observed so wryly that she laughed.
Her gaze whizzed down his body and she felt a ripple of pure sexual awareness run through her when she saw how the wet clothes were clinging to his muscular body.
‘Maybe not,’ she said quickly, hoping that he couldn’t tell how shocked she felt. She wasn’t totally naïve. She’d been in a relationship before she’d left London and had enjoyed the physical side as much as the companionship, but she’d never expected to feel this kind of sexual awareness towards any man in her condition. ‘But it’s silly to go back out into that storm when there’s no need. How about if I make some coffee to warm us both up? I’m sure you could do with a cup as much as I could.’
‘Well, if you’re sure….’ He hesitated a moment then shrugged. ‘Fine. Coffee sounds good. I must confess that I could do with something to take the chill out of my bones.’
He shivered again and she sighed. ‘It’s going to take more than a cup of coffee to do that. You need to get out of those wet clothes for a start.’
She hurried on when she sensed that he was going to object, knowing that she would never forgive herself if he ended up making himself ill when he had been trying to help her. ‘Why don’t you have a hot shower while the coffee’s brewing? I’ve got an old tracksuit somewhere about that’s way too big for me. It might just fit you. I can put your clothes in the dryer while we wait for the rain to stop.’
‘That’s kind of you, Anna, but I don’t want to be a nuisance,’ he said levelly. But she knew what he’d really meant. Ben didn’t want to overstep the boundaries she had set in place, and her heart ached because she couldn’t help wishing that it hadn’t been necessary to instigate them in the first place.
‘It’s no trouble,’ she assured him quietly. She turned away to plug in the kettle, afraid that he would see that she was upset. ‘You go and take that shower. I’ll leave the tracksuit outside the bathroom door for you.’
She breathed a sigh of relief when she heard him leaving the room. Maybe it was silly but Ben disturbed her. She didn’t know why, she just knew that he did. He made her feel things that she hadn’t expected to feel and she wasn’t sure how to deal with them.
Anna closed her mind to that thought, afraid of where it might lead to. She made the coffee then left it in the cafetière to brew and went to find the tracksuit for him. She put it on the floor outside the bathroom door then went back to her bedroom. Although the jacket had saved her from getting completely soaked through, her jeans were sodden and she needed to change them.
She stripped them off and draped them over the back of a chair to dry then picked up a brush to tidy her hair. It was months since she’d had it cut and it reached way past her shoulders now. She fastened it up into a ponytail with a bright green elasticated bobble then grimaced when she caught sight of herself in the dressing-table mirror. She couldn’t help thinking how at odds the youthful hairstyle was with her burgeoning figure.
She turned sideways to the mirror, pulling the baggy T-shirt taut across the full swell of her breasts and the pronounced curve of her belly. Day by day her body was changing as the baby grew. In one way it was exciting to see the evidence of what was happening but in another it was scary. She couldn’t help wondering how she would feel as her pregnancy advanced. Would she fe
el proud of the new life growing inside her or simply ugly when her body became even more swollen?
‘Thanks for the tracksuit. Not quite the perfect fit, shall we say…’
Anna’s head swung round and she felt a wave of sickness hit her when she saw Ben standing in the doorway. At any other time she might have found the sight of him standing there with his muscular arms and legs poking out of her tracksuit amusing. However, she had absolutely no desire to laugh when she saw the dawning shock that crossed his face.
She let go of the T-shirt abruptly so that its concealing folds hid her stomach from view, but the damage had been done. Ben had obviously guessed that she was pregnant. She could tell that from the way he was looking at her.
‘We need to talk, Anna. I’ll wait in the kitchen for you.’
He turned and strode away but for a few seconds she didn’t move. She closed her eyes, remembering how he’d looked at her. There was no doubt that he had been shocked and she could understand that. She also could understand if he was angry about her deception. But how would he feel when he found out the truth about this baby? Would he be repulsed by what she had done?
She knew that a lot of people would find what she had done totally unacceptable. She had already encountered disapproval, in fact, and from the least expected sources, yet the thought that Ben might feel the same filled her with dread.
She could deal with his shock, cope with his anger, but she couldn’t bear it if he was disgusted!
Anna opened her eyes and looked at herself in the mirror.
She simply couldn’t bear it.
CHAPTER THREE
‘I DIDN’T know if you took sugar.’
‘I don’t. Thank you.’ Anna sat down at the table and wrapped her hands around the cup Ben had placed in front of her. Her fingers felt numb with cold but even the heat from the coffee couldn’t seem to warm them.
Ben had had the coffee poured by the time she’d reached the kitchen. He had found the milk in one of the carrier bags and a jug to put it in, even emptied some sugar into a bowl. Now, as he sat down opposite her, she felt a little bubble of hysteria floating to the surface of her mind. Were they really going to sit here, politely drinking coffee, while they discussed what he had seen?
She pushed back her chair in a sudden fit of impatience. Striding to the window, she stared out at the rain for a moment then spun round to face him. She wasn’t sure exactly why she was so angry all of a sudden but there was no point in prolonging the agony.
‘I’m pregnant. You obviously gathered that from what you saw just now. The only thing I need to know now is if it is going to make any difference to me working here.’
Ben took a sip of coffee then put his cup down carefully on a table mat. ‘I assume that Adam doesn’t know?’
‘No. I deliberately didn’t tell him.’ She stared defiantly back at him, refusing to let him think that she was ashamed of what she had done.
‘I take it that you had a reason?’ he said levelly.
‘The best reason in the world—I desperately needed this job,’ she shot back, wondering why his calmness stung so much. She would almost have preferred him to speak angrily to her, to show any kind of emotion rather than that icy detachment.
‘I see. Would I be right to assume that the baby’s father is no longer on the scene?’
‘Yes.’ She gave a brittle laugh, feeling the pain welling up inside her. ‘He has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t intend to be around when this child is born so you can safely count him out.’
‘There are ways of making a man support his child financially,’ he said flatly. He picked up his cup again and she was shocked to see that his hands were shaking. It made her realise that his apparent calmness was an act and that inside he didn’t feel at all calm about what had happened.
‘I know there are,’ she said more quietly, shocked by the discovery. ‘However, I have no intention of asking him for money. I’ll manage by myself.’
‘You say that now but what about after the baby is born? How are you going to manage then?’ He slammed his cup back on the mat, seemingly uncaring that coffee slopped onto the table. ‘Principles are all well and good, Anna, but they won’t feed you. They won’t put a roof over your head or pay the bills. This child didn’t ask to be born. The least you can do is make sure that he or she is properly taken care of!’
His anger rose on a great wave, startling her by its speed and ferocity, and she blinked. ‘Of course I shall! Look, Ben, my main concern is the baby’s welfare. I will do anything and everything in my power to make sure that it is well cared for.’
‘So why won’t you make the father share some of the responsibility?’ he bit out. ‘All right, so maybe you’ve had some sort of disagreement with him, but surely you can find a way round it? You must have felt something for the guy otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation!’
‘It’s not that simple.’ Anna could feel the heat warming her cheeks and looked away. Ben’s reaction had shaken her because it seemed too…personal, if that was the right word. ‘It isn’t just a question of making him accept responsibility.’
‘Why not?’ he demanded harshly, then suddenly stopped. Anna felt a shiver race through her. She couldn’t recall having seen such contempt on anyone’s face before. She was still trying to work out what had caused him to look at her like that when he continued, and she felt sick when she heard the disdain in his voice.
‘He’s married, isn’t he? That’s why he doesn’t want anything to do with you and the child.’
She took a deep breath, forcing the nausea to subside to a level she could deal with. Ben wasn’t looking at her now. He was staring at his coffee and it was impossible to tell what he was thinking, which was a relief. It wasn’t nice to know that he thought her capable of having an affair with a married man!
‘No, he isn’t married,’ she replied hollowly. ‘His wife is dead. She died a month ago.’
He looked up, a frown drawing his brows into a straight line. ‘Around the same time as your sister died? Didn’t you tell me that it was a month ago that it happened?’
‘That’s right.’ Suddenly Anna knew that there was no point prevaricating any longer. She had to tell him the truth even though the thought of how he might react scared her.
She sat down again, wondering why it should matter what he thought. Ben’s opinion wasn’t going to change anything; it certainly wouldn’t make any difference to the situation. Nevertheless, she knew in her heart that she wanted him to understand and not think too badly of her.
‘Jo died a month ago, a month after I found out that I was pregnant. She was so pleased. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone who was so thrilled.’ She felt her eyes fill with tears and quickly blinked them away, knowing that she couldn’t afford to break down before she had told him the whole story. Ben didn’t say a word, leaving her to do all the talking, and in a way that made it easier. She would deal with his reaction later and simply concentrate on telling him the facts for now.
‘Jo always wanted a family, you see. She used to say that she’d been born into the wrong era because she wasn’t interested in having a career. All she ever longed for was a child to love and care for.’
‘Did she have problems conceiving because of her cancer?’ Ben asked quietly when she paused.
Anna nodded. ‘Yes. She couldn’t understand it at first. She and Mike decided to try for a baby as soon as they got married but it just didn’t happen. In the end, Jo went for tests and that was when they discovered that she had endometrial cancer.’ Her hands clenched around the cup as she recalled that painful time.
‘So what happened?’ he prompted, still in that same quiet tone that somehow seemed to make it easier to continue.
‘She was told that she would need a total hysterectomy, and have her Fallopian tubes and ovaries removed as well. At that point the doctors weren’t sure how far the cancer had spread but they were hopeful that they would be able to contain it.
‘What exactly are you saying, Anna?’ He laid his hand on the table, palm up, and it seemed to her that she had never heard such gentleness in anyone’s voice before. ‘Tell me.’
She took a deep breath then slowly unclenched her hand and placed it in his, feeling the ripple that ran through her when she felt his fingers closing around hers. ‘That I offered to have a baby for her.’
‘Are you saying that you’re a surrogate for your sister? Is that it?’
She heard the shock in his voice and sighed. ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. The surgeons agreed to harvest some of Jo’s eggs when they operated on her. I think it was the only thing that kept her going, to be honest. The thought that one day she might hold her own child in her arms gave her the incentive to get better.’
‘And her husband agreed to it?’ he asked quietly.
‘Oh, yes. We wouldn’t have gone ahead if Mike hadn’t said that it was what he wanted, too. We certainly wouldn’t have been able to find a clinic willing to help us if he had been opposed to the idea because it was his sperm that was going to be used to fertilise Jo’s eggs. As it was, we ended up going privately because none of the NHS clinics we approached could help us.’
‘Because of your sister’s health?’
‘That wasn’t a problem, actually. There are guidelines about which women can be offered treatment by in vitro fertilisation surrogacy and hysterectomy for cancer is one of the recognised medical conditions. The real obstacle was funding. There are so many people requiring fertility treatment that there simply isn’t enough money to go round.’ She shrugged. ‘Some clinics prefer not to go down the surrogacy route.’
The Baby Issue Page 4