The Baby Issue

by Jennifer Taylor

  ‘Come back and sit down. You won’t do yourself or Ben any good by tiring yourself out.’

  Adam gently led her back to the waiting room and sat her down in a chair. His face was stern as he sat down beside her. ‘He’s going to make it, Anna. He’s young and fit and that counts for a lot in a situation like this.’

  ‘How can you be sure? You heard what the surgeon said, that the next few hours will be critical. I don’t think I could bear it if he died!’

  She couldn’t go on as the fear rose inside her. Adam sighed as he put his arm around her shoulders. ‘He isn’t going to die! You mustn’t think like that. You’ve got to be positive and believe that he’ll pull through.’

  He sounded so certain that she looked at him curiously. ‘I think you really believe that.’

  ‘I do. When Hannah was desperately ill Beth told me that I had to believe that she would get better. I know it isn’t very scientific but I honestly and truly believe that it helped.’ He smiled at her. ‘So don’t ever underestimate the power of positive thought, Anna. Keep willing Ben to get better.’

  ‘I shall,’ she whispered. She took a deep breath then got up and went back to the unit, unable to rest until she knew how Ben was doing. There was a nurse checking his drips and she smiled when she saw Anna standing by the door. She finished what she was doing then came to speak to her.

  ‘Would you like to sit with Dr Cole?’ she suggested. She frowned as Adam came to join them. ‘I’m afraid there’s only room for one of you. We can’t have too many visitors around a bed, you understand.’

  ‘I’ll wait here,’ Adam offered immediately. ‘You go and sit with him, Anna.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ she queried.

  ‘Quite sure.’ He glanced at his watch and grimaced. ‘I’d better go and phone Beth. She’ll be worried sick if she doesn’t hear from me soon.’

  Anna followed the nurse into the ward as he hurried away. She smiled her thanks as the other woman drew up a chair beside the bed for her to sit on.

  ‘You can hold his hand if you want to,’ the nurse told her softly. It was very quiet in the ward with only the clicking and humming of the machinery. All the patients in there were seriously ill and needed peace and quiet as well as skilled nursing care. ‘He’s heavily sedated so don’t worry if he doesn’t respond. However, in my experience, patients often know when there’s someone sitting with them.’

  She looked round as a monitor began to bleep then turned back to Anna and smiled reassuringly when one of the other nurses hurried to attend to it. ‘I know how scary it is, seeing him like this, but if we can get him over the next few hours then he stands a good chance. You hold his hand and let him know that you’re here.’ She glanced at Anna’s tummy. ‘Let him know that you’re both here. It’s the best medicine in the world, believe me.’

  Anna sighed as the nurse moved away. It was obvious that the other woman believed that the baby was Ben’s.

  If only it was his child, she thought wistfully, none of this would have happened. Ben wouldn’t have been driving along that road tonight and that lorry wouldn’t have hit him. They would have been together at the party, enjoying spending time with their friends and looking forward to the future. How bitterly ironic that her attempts to save him from getting hurt had ended like this.

  It was pointless dwelling on it, however, so she tried to put it out of her mind as she took hold of his hand. His skin felt unusually cool to the touch but she could feel his pulse tapping away and it was reassuring to feel it. She found herself wondering if the nurse had been right and if he knew that she was there at his bedside. If so, she hoped that he could feel her willing him to get better. She needed him too much to lose him!

  The night crawled past and Anna soon lost track of time. Staff came and went at intervals, checking monitors and changing drips. There were no windows in the intensive care unit so it wasn’t until one of the nurses brought her a message from Adam to say that he’d had to leave to go back to Winton for surgery that she realised it must be morning.

  She stayed where she was, uncaring that her body was stiff and cramped from sitting in the hard chair. If she had to stay there for a week, a month or a year even, she would do so! It didn’t matter how long it took if there was a chance that it might help Ben get better.

  She must have dozed off eventually because she woke with a start when one of the nurses tapped her on the shoulder and told her that she would have to leave while the consultant did his rounds. She got up unsteadily, feeling strangely disorientated as she left the hushed atmosphere of the IC unit and was suddenly assailed by the hustle and bustle of the busy hospital. She wasn’t sure what to do with herself until it was time to go back and sit with Ben.

  ‘There you are! I was just going to see if I could find someone to fetch you. What you need is something to eat and drink. Come along.’

  Anna blinked as Beth suddenly appeared at her side. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked in confusion.

  ‘Making sure that you don’t make yourself ill,’ Beth told her firmly, taking hold of her arm and steering her toward the lifts.

  ‘Oh, but I can’t leave,’ she protested, hanging back.

  ‘You can and you will.’ Beth stopped and glared at her. ‘Do you know how long you’ve been sitting by that bed? No? Well, from my reckoning it must be at least eight hours. You need to take a break, Anna.’

  She shook her head. ‘I’m fine, really I am—’ she began, but Beth didn’t give her time to finish.

  ‘If you won’t think about yourself then think about the baby. Ben will be furious when he finds out that you wouldn’t take even a few minutes’ break.’

  Anna felt her throat close up. ‘You don’t understand. I’m afraid to leave in case something happens to him. I want to be here with him, Beth. I need to be here! It’s the only thing I can do that might help him.’

  ‘I do understand,’ Beth said gently. ‘I’d feel the same if it was Adam lying in that bed. But you’re not helping Ben by making yourself ill. Just take a few minutes to have something to eat then you can come back and sit with him again. Please.’

  Anna hesitated but she could see the sense in what her friend was saying. ‘All right, then,’ she conceded reluctantly. ‘But just ten minutes. I don’t want to be away any longer than that.’

  ‘Ten minutes it is,’ Beth assured her, summoning the lift. ‘We’ll go to the coffee-shop in the foyer. The service there is usually pretty quick. You’ll be back here in no time, trust me.’

  It didn’t take them long to reach the coffee-shop on the ground floor. There were few people in there at that time of the day. It was too early for normal visiting hours so there were only a handful of people scattered about the room.

  Beth pointed to a table in the corner. ‘Let’s sit over there where it’s quiet. What do you want to drink, tea or coffee? And how about something to eat?’

  ‘Tea, please, and nothing to eat.’ She grimaced. ‘I feel a bit sick, actually.’

  Beth sighed as she took a tray from the rack by the door. ‘No wonder, after the night you’ve had. Anyway, go and sit down while I fetch the drinks.’

  Anna made her way across the room and sat down, feeling waves of exhaustion washing over her. The long night had taken its toll but she was determined to return to Ben’s bedside as soon as she could. Even now he might be wondering where she was, thinking that she hadn’t cared enough to stay with him.

  A sob caught in her throat and she pressed a hand to her mouth. Why hadn’t she told him how she really felt about him when she’d had the chance? The thought that he might never know how much she loved him was more than she could bear.

  ‘Here you are. I got some toast as well. You might be able to manage a slice.’ Beth put the tray on the table then looked at her in concern. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Not really,’ Anna admitted huskily. ‘I keep wondering what I’ll do if Ben doesn’t make it…’

  She couldn’t go on because it was too
painful to think about it. Beth sighed as she sat down and poured them both a cup of tea. ‘He’s got this far, Anna. That’s a good sign, you know it is.’

  ‘Maybe, but he isn’t out of danger yet. He lost an awful lot of blood and then there are the other injuries that he suffered.’ She picked up the cup then had to put it back down because her hand was shaking too much to hold it. ‘Did Adam tell you that he might have damaged his spine? We won’t know for certain until he has more X-rays and a scan because there’s so much localised swelling.’

  ‘Let’s not look on the black side,’ Beth said firmly. ‘His spine might just be bruised. You know as well as I do that heavy bruising causes massive swelling. Once it goes down he’ll be fine.’

  ‘I suppose so. And I suppose you’re right about not looking on the black side. It’s just that I feel so guilty,’ she confessed brokenly.

  ‘Why on earth should you feel guilty?’ Beth demanded.

  ‘Because if I hadn’t let Ben think that I didn’t…didn’t care about him, this might never have happened.’ She saw Beth looking at her and knew that she had to explain even though it was painful to talk about what had happened. ‘Ben told me a few weeks ago that he loved me, you see. He tried to convince me that we had a future together.’

  ‘Obviously, he didn’t succeed. Why, Anna? Because you weren’t sure how you felt about him at the time?’

  She shook her head, wishing the answer were that simple. ‘No. I knew that I was in love with him, too. I just thought it best if I didn’t tell him how I felt. It seemed the right thing to do in the circumstances.’

  ‘Because of the baby?’ Beth suggested quietly.

  ‘Yes. I was afraid that Ben might come to regret taking on the responsibility for this child,’ she admitted huskily. ‘I was terrified that he might grow to resent it in time. I couldn’t bear to think that he might one day wish that he’d never met me.’

  ‘Hogwash!’ Beth declared, then grinned when Anna stared at her in surprise. ‘Sorry to be so blunt, but I can’t imagine where you got such a crazy idea like that.’

  ‘From something my brother-in-law said to me.’ She sighed as she picked up a spoon and stirred her tea. ‘He warned me that no man would want to take on another man’s child, and that if he did then he would end up regretting it. It’s been at the back of my mind all along and I suppose that’s why I was so afraid of making a mistake.’

  ‘I expect some men couldn’t handle the situation but Ben isn’t one of them. He’s like Adam in a lot of respects—rock solid and dependable, the kind of man on whom you can rely totally,’ Beth said firmly. ‘If Ben said that he wanted to spend his life with you and the baby then you can believe him, Anna. He isn’t going to suddenly change his mind.’

  ‘I think you’re right,’ Anna said wonderingly. It felt as though the veil of confusion had lifted all of a sudden so that her mind was crystal clear at last. Never mind what Mike had said, she knew that Ben had been telling her the truth! ‘In fact, I’m sure you’re right!’

  ‘Then when Ben wakes up, make sure you tell him that,’ Beth said resolutely, then laughed. ‘And I shall expect an invitation to the wedding!’

  ‘You’ll be top of the list, I promise you!’ Anna laughed as well, feeling the joy bubbling inside her. Maybe it was too soon to start making plans but as soon as Ben was feeling better she would tell him the truth about how she felt. All they needed now was for him to get better—and he would. He would!

  She was in a far more positive frame of mind when she returned to the IC unit a short time later. When the ward sister called her into the office in the middle of the afternoon and explained that the consultant was so pleased with Ben’s progress that they would gradually start to reduce his sedatives, she could have jumped for joy. The only cloud on the horizon was the fact that nobody knew for certain how bad his other injuries were. However, she was confident that whatever happened they could face it together. She loved him, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. There was no obstacle so big that they couldn’t deal with it!

  She went back to the ward and sat by his bed while she waited for him to wake up. He had been taken off the ventilator and was breathing on his own now. When she saw his eyelids starting to flicker a short time later she squeezed his hand, her heart overflowing with love when she felt the answering pressure of his fingers.

  His eyes opened slowly and he looked round in confusion. She moved closer, bending over so that he could see her better, smiling when he finally focused on her face. ‘Hi, there. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Sore.’ His voice rasped painfully and he swallowed. ‘Throat hurts.’

  ‘That’s because of the tube. It will soon feel better.’

  ‘Tube?’ His gaze moved away from her and he frowned when he saw all the machinery. ‘What happened? Where am I?’

  ‘You were in an accident and you’re in hospital. But you’re going to be fine.’

  ‘Accident,’ he repeated uncertainly. He took a deep breath and she could tell that he was struggling to make sense of what she’d said. ‘I remember now. There was this lorry and I couldn’t get out of the way…’

  He tailed off and she squeezed his hand. ‘Try not to think about it. Just concentrate on getting better. You’re doing great.’

  ‘Am I?’ He sighed wearily. ‘I ache all over. The only parts of me that don’t hurt are my legs.’

  He stopped and she saw the shock that crossed his face. ‘Why can’t I feel my legs, Anna? What’s wrong with them?’

  She wasn’t sure what to say. Would it be right to tell him the truth when it would be such a shock for him? He was still very weak and she was afraid that it might be too much for him to deal with at that moment. It was a relief when the sister suddenly appeared and asked Anna if she would mind leaving as the consultant was on his way back to have a word with Ben.

  Ben didn’t say anything when she told him that she would be back shortly. She wasn’t sure if he even heard her. She bent and kissed him on the cheek, feeling her heart aching when she saw how he avoided her eyes. It was obvious that he was adding everything up and reaching his own conclusion, and she wished with all her heart that there was a way to reassure him. However, it would be wrong to make promises that she might not be able to keep.

  She went back to the waiting room and spent the time pacing the floor, unable to sit down and relax as she wondered how Ben had taken the news. It seemed an age before the sister came to find her and she felt her heart sink when she saw the expression on the other woman’s face. She had already half prepared herself for bad news before the sister asked her to sit down. But nothing could have prepared her for the message that the sister had for her—Ben had given strict instructions that he didn’t want to see her again.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ she whispered incredulously. ‘You must have got it wrong. Why wouldn’t he want to see me? I have to speak to him and sort this out…’

  ‘I’m sorry but it’s out of the question,’ the sister said firmly, standing up and barring her way as Anna went to the door. ‘Dr Cole was adamant that he didn’t want you visiting him again. There’s nothing I can do except follow his instructions, I’m afraid.’

  No amount of pleading would make her change her mind. Anna left the hospital in a daze a short time later, unable to understand why Ben had made such a decision. It didn’t make sense unless—unless he had realised all of a sudden that he didn’t love her and had been too embarrassed to tell her to her face.

  Anna felt her heart curl up inside her at the thought. She desperately didn’t want to believe it, but it was a well-known fact that people often re-evaluated their lives straight after an accident.

  Was that what Ben had done? she wondered sickly. Had he taken a long, hard look at his feelings and realised that he didn’t love her? She had no idea, but it felt as though the bottom had fallen out of her world.

  The next few days passed in a blur. Anna spent most of the time just sitting in the flat. She
knew that Ben had been moved from the IC unit to the orthopaedic ward but he was still refusing to see her despite repeated phone calls to the hospital, begging him to reconsider. She was at her wits’ end when Adam came to see her on the Wednesday after morning surgery had finished.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going on, Anna, but you look dreadful,’ he said bluntly when she let him in. He sighed as he studied her wan face and the inky shadows under her eyes. ‘So does Ben, for that matter. What on earth is this all about? Why has he refused to see you? I can’t get a word out of him so maybe you can throw some light on what’s happened.’

  ‘I don’t know any more than you do,’ she admitted, wrapping her arms around herself. She seemed to feel permanently cold of late, and even though she had turned on the heating in the flat she was shivering.

  She led the way into the sitting room and sat down in front of the fire. ‘I’ve phoned the hospital umpteen times, begging him to see me, but he keeps refusing. H-he’s given strict instructions that I’m not allowed to visit him.’

  Her voice caught and she heard Adam sigh. ‘If he wasn’t ill, I could happily shake some sense into him! All this nonsense isn’t doing either him or you any good.’

  She smiled sadly. ‘I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. I just feel even more confused, in fact. If Ben’s upset, why is he being so pig-headed?’

  ‘I’ve no idea.’ Adam’s tone was grim. ‘I’ll have a word with him tonight and see if I can talk some sense into him.’

  ‘Would you?’ she said eagerly. ‘Better still, maybe I could come to the hospital with you, then I’d be there if he changes his mind.’

  ‘I’m not sure that would be a good idea,’ he began.

  ‘Please, Adam! It’s driving me mad sitting here, wondering why he won’t see me.’

  ‘All right, then, but only if you promise me that you’ll try to rest.’ He patted her shoulder as he got up to leave. ‘We don’t want another member of staff in hospital. It isn’t good for our reputation!’