Two in a Zoo

by Oliver Herford and Curtis Dunham

  CHAPTER II

  _Despised Relations_

  Oh, behold us, and dispute us if you can! Only look upon our faces, On our more than human graces, And observe the many traces Of our kinship with our noble brother, Man!

  --_Song of the Ambitious Monkeys._

  The great round, soft, brown eyes of Dozel, most slender-limbed andgraceful of the herd of Indian deer, were fixed on the face of thelittle Limping Boy. There seemed to be a look of pity in their depths.She licked Toots' fingers, and the Princess tried in vain to attracther attention.

  "Do you suppose the sparrow has already told her of Mahmoud's command?"asked the Princess.

  "I don't know," answered Toots; "I think so, but I haven't quite madeup my mind yet."

  "Dozel seems more affectionate toward you than ever," argued thePrincess. "Yesterday she licked my hand, but to-day she has eyes onlyfor you, Toots."

  "It must be so, then," said the little Limping Boy. "You remember thatwhen the elephant ordered Pwit-Pwit to go and tell all the MenialPeople that I stood between the two worlds, and that no harm shouldbefall me, the sparrow flew away immediately. But, look! here comesPwit-Pwit now. He and Dozel are going to have their morning chat. Keepquite still, and I'll tell you what they say."

  The soft, brown eyes of Dozel were fixed on the face ofthe little Limping Boy.]

  The Princess put her finger on her lip and looked significantly atToots, as the sparrow perched herself on the top rail of the yard,within a foot of Dozel's ear, and began to chirp. The Princess saw thefamiliar, dreamy look come into Toots' eyes, as he began to translatethe gossip of the sparrow and the deer.

  "Why are you so sad this morning?" asked Pwit-Pwit. "The weather issimply perfect."

  But Dozel merely sighed, and turned her gaze wistfully in the directionof the Elephant House. Nothing so delighted her as the loud trumpetingsof Mahmoud and his mate, and she always let her eyes roam in theirdirection when anything unusual was on her mind.

  "You ought to be happy," continued the sparrow; "you certainly neverlooked handsomer, with your brown skin so soft and velvety that thelittle white spots scattered over it look like snowflakes, and youreyes so clear and tender--tut, tut, now Dozel, my dear. The idea ofyour crying on a morning like this!"

  "I can't help it," whimpered the beautiful creature. "It's enough tomake any one weep."

  Pwit-Pwit hopped on to Dozel's back and together they took a turn aboutthe yard.

  "And I'm blest if you're not limping, you, of all people in the world!"said the sparrow, in astonishment.

  "It's out of sympathy," sighed Dozel. "When I think of my own legs, sostraight and slender and swift, I can't help thinking of the littleLimping Boy and his poor, crooked leg, with the iron on it. There hestands now. Isn't it pitiful? Oh, dear, oh, dear!"

  "True, it is very sad," said Pwit-Pwit, soberly; "but what can't becured must be endured, you know."

  "The worst part of it," said the deer, "is that there is somethingabout the little Limping Boy's walk that reminds me of thosechattering, screaming monkeys I remember so well in the jungle. Thereare some of them over in a corner of the Lion House. I can't bear them."

  "Hello!" chirped the sparrow, jubilantly. "So that's your opinion of'em, too, is it, Dozel, my dear? Well, that's too good to keep. I'llgo straight to the monkeys with that, and when they know that it comesfrom you direct, they'll have a bad half-hour, I can tell you. Theywon't be any happier than you are then, my dear. Do you know, theimpudent creatures actually claim to be related to the birds! As ageneral thing, I pay no attention to 'em, but this is different. Theyfeel so sure of your good opinion, you're so sweet and sedate witheverybody. My, oh, my, but won't it make 'em wild! I'll go straight tothat idiot, Mr. Kelly. Just listen, and you'll hear him jabber himselfblue in the face."

  With this, the malicious little bird flew straight into the Lion House,and to Mr. Kelly's corner, Toots and the Princess following as fast astheir legs could carry them, the iron on the little Limping Boy's legclanking all the way.

  Now, Mr. Kelly is a very learned monkey, having enjoyed the societyof men for quite a number of years. He had had breakfast, and wasleisurely picking his teeth. Pwit-Pwit perched himself on the rail justout of reach of his nimble fingers. Truth to tell, the sparrow was sostartled at Mr. Kelly's resemblance to the man who carried the plasterwhen the bear's den was being repaired, that he was quite civil atfirst.

  "Good morning, Mr. Kelly," he said politely, "are you feeling quitewell?"

  "So-so," answered the monkey, eying the sparrow with much deliberation."Except for my neuralgia and a touch of the gout I'm in my usualhealth, thank you. You don't happen to have a cigar about you, Isuppose?"

  "Bless me!" said Pwit-Pwit, astounded and quite off his guard, "youdon't mean to say you smoke?"

  "Had my cigar after breakfast every morning when I was acting in atheater over in the Bowery," said Mr. Kelly. "Seems that smoking isn'tallowed here. These blue laws are beastly, aren't they?"

  "Do you find it hard going without?" asked Pwit-Pwit, unable yet toassume his accustomed air of superiority.

  "If they would let me taper off I wouldn't mind so much," answered themonkey, with a yawn; "but this stopping all at once is rather trying onthe nerves."

  Toots shifted his position in front of the monkey's cage, which causedthe iron on his leg to jingle. This attracted the attention of Mr.Kelly, who threw away the straw he had been using as a toothpick andcame close to the wire netting that surrounded him.

  "You heard the command of Mahmoud to all the Menial People touching thelittle Limping Boy," said the sparrow. "Well, here he is."

  Instead of replying, Mr. Kelly began twisting his features into thedrollest shapes imaginable.

  "Mahmoud's command has made a great stir everywhere," continuedPwit-Pwit. "It has affected Dozel to tears. I left her just now weepingover the misfortunes of the little Limping Boy."

  At this Mr. Kelly began to snivel and moan, while two tears rolled downhis hairy nose.

  "Hello, there! What's the matter with you?" demanded Pwit-Pwit.

  The monkey made no reply, but began limping around his cage, moaningand shedding tears, as though heart-broken.

  "Oh, I see," said the sparrow, "you're sorry for the little LimpingBoy, too."

  "I have a fellow-feeling for him," answered Mr. Kelly, and went on withhis moaning.

  "Why, you--you miserable upstart!" exclaimed Pwit-Pwit, ruffling up hisfeathers in indignation.

  The sparrow would have said more but for the sudden change in Mr.Kelly's manner. The monkey had come back to the front of his cage, andwas touching the side of his head with the forefinger of his right hand.

  "What are you up to now?" he demanded.

  "Saluting my unfortunate distant relation," said Mr. Kelly, who thenwent on moaning and weeping worse than before.

  For a moment the sparrow's indignation was such that he seemed to bedeprived of speech. He looked at Mr. Kelly, and then at the littleLimping Boy, and then at the monkey again. Then he ruffled up thefeathers of his neck angrily, and said:

  "Do you mean to say that you believe yourself to be related to thisboy, who will grow into a man some day?"

  "That's the tradition in our family," said Mr. Kelly, "and youdoubtless know that tradition is the basis of all history. Besides,that's what a very celebrated man once said in a lecture at thetheater where I acted, and he had me on the stage with him for anillustration--so he said. Any one can see that there isn't muchdifference between a monkey and a man, except the clothes. Look foryourself."

  And Mr. Kelly placed his right elbow in his left hand, and rested hischin on his right hand, just as the little Limping Boy was doing.

  Pwit-Pwit looked from one to the other, and the resemblance was sostartling that for a moment he was at a loss what answer to make. Thenhe caught sight of the monkey's tail, which Mr. Kelly was trying h
ardto conceal behind him.

  "Aha!" chirped the sparrow, exultantly; "what about the tail?"

  "None of your business, you meddlesome, gossiping little wretch!"screamed Mr. Kelly, in a passion. And he made a grab for Pwit-Pwitthrough the wires of his cage, but could not quite reach him.

  "Be careful," warned the sparrow. "Remember the Law."

  "Know this once for all, you insignificant bearer of tales," snarledMr. Kelly. "Mahmoud himself has said that he was in doubt whether I wasof the Menial People, or whether I stood between the two worlds. Erelong I shall compel him to proclaim that I am neither the one nor theother, but that I am of the Master People. So beware!"

  But Pwit-Pwit nearly burst his sides with laughter.

  "Do you know what Dozel says about you?" he said finally; "thebeautiful young Indian doe at whom you have been making eyes throughthe wires of your cage ever since she arrived?"

  Mr. Kelly suddenly turned very pale. Noticing this, the sparrow went onrelentlessly:

  "She says that you and all your tribe are chattering, screamingnobodies."

  For a moment the blow seemed almost more than Mr. Kelly could endure.

  "Aha, Mr. Kelly," said the sparrow, insolently, "chattering, screamingnobodies! What do you say to that?"

  At this taunt Mr. Kelly nearly exploded with passion. He clenched hishand and shook it at the sparrow, and screamed at the top of his voice:

  "Jocko! Jocko! Do you hear? This meddlesome wretch of a sparrow says weare chattering nobodies."

  Jocko, the tottering old baboon in his cage on the other side of theLion House, turned blue in the face with anger.

  "Catch him and pull out his tail feathers!" he screamed. "Never mindthe Law."

  But Pwit-Pwit kept well out of Mr. Kelly's reach. By this time, thelittle, long-tailed monkeys with black caps and high-pitched voices,living next door to Jocko, were chattering and shrieking at a fearfulrate. The sparrow flew about from one cage to another, hurling tauntsat the enraged creatures, enjoying himself immensely.

  When, at length, the monkeys had chattered and shrieked themselveshoarse, Mr. Kelly commanded them to be silent while he arranged for afinal settlement of the dispute. He walked in a dignified manner abouthis cage until he had recovered his breath, and then said sternly toPwit-Pwit:

  "You are only a foolish little bird, with a great deal to learn. Whilewe care very little for your opinion, it is well that this mattershould be settled. Is there any one among all the Menial People whoseword you will accept as the eternal truth?"

  "Yes," answered the sparrow, promptly. "There is Caliph, the oldhippopotamus. He is very old and very wise, and he always tells thetruth--which is more than can be said of monkeys."

  "Very well," said Mr. Kelly, calmly, "go and ask Caliph if it is nottrue that the first man and the first monkey were made out of the samelump of clay long, long ago on the banks of the river Nile. Tell him tolift up his voice when he answers, so that all can hear."

  "Agreed," said Pwit-Pwit; "and when you hear old Caliph's answerprepare to hang crape on your door-knob, for it will mean the death ofyour absurd ambition."

  Then, while Mr. Kelly continued to walk about his cage in a dignifiedmanner, the sparrow, followed by Toots and the Princess, flew quicklyto the Hippopotamus House. Straight up to the edge of the deep pool inwhich Caliph lay, with only an island of black back and his two bulgingnostrils showing above the surface of the water, hopped Pwit-Pwit.

  "What, ho! Caliph!" chirped the sparrow, "come forth from thymeditations and give ear to a matter of consequence concerning all theMenial People."

  At first Caliph only blinked his small eyes. Pwit-Pwit bobbed his headat the monster with evidence of vast respect, and said in a loudervoice:

  "Greeting, O master of the deep! It is concerning the general welfarethat I come to disturb thy reflections on the glorious past. Thepretensions of the monkeys have grown past all bounds, so that there ismenace to the general peace. The trouble happened in this wise: Mr.Kelly, who is only a poor sort of monkey, at best, claims kinship withthe Master World, whereat there is much discontent and not a littlejealousy. He avers that the first monkey and the first man were madeout of the same lump of clay on the banks of the Nile. Is this thetruth? Speak, I pray you, in tones that may be heard by all, that thetrouble which threatens us may be averted."

  While the sparrow thus spoke, Caliph raised his head slowly out of thewater. Seven times did he open and close his enormous mouth. At length,in a voice that rang throughout the Menial World, he spoke as follows:

  "Harken unto me, all ye Menial People. As to the first monkey, it wasin this wise: When the first man had been made, his shadow fell uponsome very poor clay that had been thrown away. And it came to passthat when the first man walked, and his shadow walked after him, thepoor clay upon which the shadow rested rose and ran shrieking into theforest. And, lo! it was a monkey. Behold, I have spoken."

  When Caliph had sunk beneath the water again, Pwit-Pwit, with his headon one side, listened eagerly for the comments of the other MenialPeople, and Toots, with his hand placed warningly on the Princess,listened, too. First, Mahmoud trumpeted his acquiescence:

  "It is true. I heard it from my father in the Jungle one day when theseinsolent chatterers were particularly annoying. The monkeys are but aschips that fall from the hewn log."

  "Behold, Caliph's words are the words of wisdom," said Sultan,patriarch of the lions, in his deepest roar. "I, who was born in theshadow of the great pyramids, had it from my father, who had it fromthe father of Caliph when he went down to the Nile to drink. Lo! themonkeys are as the chaff when the wheat is winnowed."

  "I am not of that country," said the old dromedary from the plains ofArabia; "but my cousins, the camels, known to all the world as shipsof the desert, brought the news to my people. By the fat in my hump, Iswear that Caliph speaks the truth."

  "My grandmother had it from an aged crocodile who crawled up on thebank of the Nile to sun herself, just as she was laying in the hot sandthe egg that hatched my mother," screamed the old cock ostrich. "Themonkeys are of no more consequence than straws blown by the wind."

  And no voice among the Menial People was silent. Those who had notestimony to add to that of Caliph, roared and screeched and howledtheir approval of it. But the monkeys did not remain long abashed atthe verdict against them. When Pwit-Pwit, followed by Toots and thePrincess, returned to observe its effect upon them, they found Mr.Kelly sitting cross-legged on his overturned water bucket, with hischin in his hand, meditating deeply.

  "Well," chirped Pwit-Pwit, "did you hear the verdict of old Caliph?"

  "Eh?" said Mr. Kelly, raising his head abstractedly. "Hum, ah, oh, yes,I heard it."

  "And the corroboration of all the other Menial People?"

  "All my expectations were verified," said Mr. Kelly, complacently."Malice and prejudice were so apparent that every logical mind willat once class the statements of Caliph and his satellites as perjuredtestimony. My contention, therefore, is sustained."

  Too perplexed and astonished to make any reply, Pwit-Pwit flew awayto his favorite perch on the rim of Mahmoud's ear, where he sat,crestfallen, for fully three and a quarter minutes.