Every Exquisite Thing

by Matthew Quick

  “We’ll get you back to normal,” she says. “See you at eight.”

  Five minutes later, Nanette’s mother visits her bedroom. “Hear you’re going out with Shannon tonight.”

  “Yep.”

  “And you agreed to go on the senior class trip?”

  “Sure.”

  “That’s good. I’m so happy. You need to leave this room eventually, Nanette. It’s not healthy to just… stew.”

  “Can Nanette borrow some makeup for tonight?”

  Mom makes wide eyes before saying, “Of course, but maybe you want to drop the third-person thing before you reengage with your classmates?”

  “Maybe. Or maybe not.”

  “What are you up to?”

  “As much assimilation as Nanette can possibly stomach.”

  Nanette showers and does her hair and applies makeup and tries her best to dress like Shannon, wearing her shortest skirt, a tank top that shows off her boobs and black bra straps, and her mother’s fancy silver flip-flops. She even squirts perfume on her wrists and behind her ears.

  “You look amazing,” her mother says.

  Nanette’s father says, “You okay? You’re sure you’re up for this?”

  “Yep,” Nanette says, and then she’s off, driving her Jeep across town.

  There are two other girls at Shannon’s: Maggie Tolliver and Riley Gillan.

  They’re all drinking margaritas from oversize glasses in the kitchen and acting drunker than they really are, talking about which boys they are “targeting” tonight for hookups, making bets about dick sizes.

  Nanette thinks about how Shannon, Maggie, and Riley were at the center of their middle school sex scandal and how not much has changed since.

  “Hey, look who it is!” Riley says when she notices Nanette.

  All three girls get up and give Nanette a big, sloppy group hug that smells strongly of tequila and makeup.

  To someone who has not been around these girls for their entire lives, it might seem a bit unbelievable that they are literally embracing the same girl who has been the recipient of their hate stares for months now. But Nanette knows how fickle this crew is. They move like a flying V of geese in the sky—all together. So once one of them changes course, the rest must follow.

  “We’ve missed you,” Maggie says.

  “And you look hot!” says Shannon. “Who are you targeting tonight?”

  “Whoever’s game,” Nanette says, trying out her fake personality, hiding behind eyeliner and blush and lipstick.

  “Ohhhhh!” the girls say, smiling their approval. “We like this new Nanette!”

  “Margarita?” Riley says.

  “She’s our designated driver,” Shannon quickly says, sparing Nanette the peer pressure.

  After two more rounds of margaritas, everyone is in Nanette’s topless Jeep.

  “Isn’t it a little cold for the top to be down?” Riley says.

  But then fake-drunk Shannon says, “Don’t be such a little bitch, Riley. Let’s wake up the fucking neighborhood.”

  Shannon plugs in her iPhone, takes over the radio, and turns it up.

  When the first song comes on, Maggie, Riley, and Shannon dance and sing loudly, waving their hands over their heads, showing off the shaved hollows of their teenage armpits.

  The music—it sounds like a British guy rapping over acoustic guitar.

  “Why aren’t you singing? Don’t you know this one?” Shannon says, elbowing Nanette.

  “No,” Nanette yells over the music.

  “What? They play this on the radio all the time.”

  Nanette wonders why Shannon needs to use her iPhone to play this music if it’s always on the radio. It’s an okay enough song, but it sounds exactly like what Shannon and her crew would listen to, because it’s mainstream—common. Nothing weird about it at all, and so the new nonweird Nanette nods and pretends to like it, too.

  At the party, there are kegs and bottles and boys and more music you can hear on the radio.

  Nanette dances to the angry rap they play. During one song, which is played three times in a row, several boys excitedly rap along about fucking each other’s bitches while they grind up on Nanette, and so she crosses her wrists above her head, shows off her armpits, gyrates her hips, and smiles just like Shannon, Maggie, and Riley do whenever a new boy rubs his package against their asses. Because she’s pretending to be someone else tonight, Nanette also does a sexy sneer and nods whenever these boys put their hands on her stomach and she keeps dancing even though she doesn’t like misogynistic rap music at all and finds these boys so painfully similar—like being surrounded by clones.

  As the party advances, the three girls she came with pair off with boys, and then Nanette is somehow alone with Ned Frazier in the kitchen. Ned is tall and handsome in a traditional way—sharp jawline, fit body, long feet, which is supposed to mean long dick, according to Riley—and he’s popular and dresses exactly like everyone else considered cool at school.

  He’s also pretty drunk off beer, swaying a bit.

  “I’ve always thought you were hot, Nanette. But you never come out to parties this year. I always wondered why a sexy girl like you would stay home reading books and shit, you know? I mean—fuck books,” he says, doing the same sort of ironic TV newsman finger-pointing motion he did during the rap song that was played three times.

  Why is he doing that? Nanette wonders.

  His face is flushed red.

  His breath reeks of alcohol, which also seems to be oozing from his skin like sweat. He’s now slouching against the counter so that he’s at eye level with Nanette and looks like he might fall over at any moment.

  “So I feel lucky to be—um… with you here in this kitchen. Like I won the lottery or something. This is a happy, kick-ass night for me because I’ve always just wanted to…”

  He moves closer to Nanette and then reaches out to feel her boob as he tilts his head and begins to tongue-kiss her.

  Nanette thinks about a baker kneading bread as Ned Frazier works her left boob with his massive hand. His kiss is too wet, and he bangs his teeth against hers more than once. But she smiles at him, pretending, whenever he says, “Good?” or “You like that?” because of the experiment.

  When Ned pulls away, he says, “That was so fucking awesome.”

  Nanette nods and smiles some more.

  “Why aren’t you talking?” he says.

  “Nanette is talking.”

  “You’re so cute. I love when you call yourself Nanette. It’s a massive turn-on. Goddamn.”

  The kissing and groping continue for another lip-chafing half hour before Nanette’s finally back in the Jeep with the now ridiculously drunk girls and—against her will—listening to the British pop star rapping over guitar music once more.

  They have to pull over when Maggie starts puking.

  Luckily the top’s still down and Maggie’s managed to aim her vomit outside the Jeep, although some does get on the green paint of the passenger-side door.

  The girls take turns holding Maggie’s hair back as she emits a seemingly endless stream of yellow chunks onto someone’s front lawn.

  The British guy keeps singing and rapping gleefully through the whole thing.

  They finally get vomiting Maggie into Riley’s house, where she’s staying the night.

  Then Shannon and Nanette are alone, driving through the moonlight with the top down and the heat on.

  “You were truly cool tonight, Nanette,” Shannon says. “Just like old times.”

  Nanette smiles and nods.

  “I hear Ned Frazier is really into you. Is he a good kisser?”

  “The best,” Nanette lies.

  “How big is his dick? Did you get that far?”

  “Hell, yeah. It’s three and a half feet long. Just shy of four, maybe. Pretty much the length of Nanette’s arm. Could stretch it into a jump rope.”

  Shannon lets out a little squeal and then punches Nanette’s shoulder. “See how muc
h better it is?”

  “How much better what is?”

  “Being normal,” Shannon says. “Hanging out with us—people your own age, doing age-appropriate things like going to parties! Hooking up with boys. Dancing! If only you would drink and talk in first person!”

  “Thanks for saving Nanette from being unique,” Nanette says.

  Shannon reaches over and holds Nanette’s hand. “Of course. Anytime. Go, Rainbow Dragons, go!”

  When they pull into Shannon’s driveway, she wraps her arms around Nanette’s neck, says “It’s so good to have you back,” and then gives Nanette a big kiss on the lips before she stumbles out of the Jeep and disappears into her house.

  When Nanette arrives at her own home, her parents are waiting up.

  “How did it go?” they ask.

  “Great,” Nanette lies.

  “Really? Did you meet anyone?”

  “Nanette kissed Ned Frazier.”

  “You did?” her mom says.

  “You don’t seem too happy about it,” her dad says.

  “Nanette is happy,” she says. “So very goddamn happy.”

  Mom and Dad look at each other.

  “It’s good you went out with Shannon,” her mom says.

  “Yeah,” her dad says. “You can’t stay in your room forever.”

  “Good night,” Nanette says, and then tries to wash Ned Frazier away with half a bottle of mouthwash and a long, hot shower.

  30

  So Good at Something She Doesn’t Enjoy

  Daily life. It’s easier while conducting the experiment. Much like ghost floating. Nanette tries to swallow her entire self deep down inside her, where no one can see. Harmless as a benign tumor. And she becomes very convincing, smiling all the time, laughing, being who everyone wants her to be, sitting with the girls again in the cafeteria instead of alone on the bench outside.

  After a group-talk with June and Nanette’s parents, it is decided that Nanette will go to therapy two times a month rather than weekly. Progress. Everyone loves it. Nanette smiles like a good girl and nods enthusiastically. She feels as if she might be picking up on an unconvinced vibe from June, but maybe it’s just her imagination. Either way, therapy becomes a biweekly occurrence, which saves her parents six hundred dollars a month.

  Ned Frazier hangs out at Nanette’s locker, leaves flowers in her Jeep, tongue-kisses her, gropes her chest, sticks his hands down her pants, plays misogynistic music, constantly rapping the dumb lyrics for her, and since all of Ned’s guy friends are doing the same things to Nanette’s girlfriends, everyone is generally happy about the sameness of Nanette’s romance.

  She begins training with Shannon, who is scheduled to play college soccer next year on scholarship, and so they run endless miles together and practice connecting on crosses and dribbling and shooting, and it at least feels familiar to sweat again, to get lost in the routines, and to be part of something goal-oriented.

  “You could walk on to any team in the country next year, Nanette,” Shannon keeps saying. “You could come with me, too.”

  Nanette wonders if this was the plan all along—if Nanette’s parents and Shannon have made a secret pact.

  But because Nanette is experimenting with her new personality, she tells Shannon that she’s thinking about it.

  “Take the Shannon-Nanette machine to the next level!” Shannon says. “We could be college roommates! Maybe even play for Team USA someday! World Cup! USA! USA! USA!”

  It’s a horrifying thought, but Nanette finds herself on the spring soccer team again, finishing all of Shannon’s crosses, heading and shooting the ball into the net with an alarming ease—like she never even quit.

  How can Nanette be so good at something she doesn’t enjoy?

  It seems cruel.

  But Shannon and the rest of the team hug her every time she scores, and her father loses his mind on the sidelines—cheering with delirious happiness.

  Money is deposited into her portfolio after almost every game.

  31

  In Love with a Fake Version

  The senior class trip takes Nanette to Disney World in Orlando, Florida. There is a plane ride and buses and much group activity—their class infesting waiting rooms and parks and restaurants. Nanette smiles and poses for pictures and flirts with boys and pretends that she is having the time of her life. Ned and she mostly move with their select herd of friends, but they break away in the Magic Kingdom, during which he says, “Let’s see how many characters we can get our picture taken with in the next hour. We could make a game of it. What do you think?”

  “Okay,” Nanette says, because she is being agreeable.

  He drags her around by the hand, looking for what Ned calls “the classics”—Mickey and Goofy and Donald—and they even run at times, searching for the people dressed up in costumes. Whenever they find one, they don’t wait in line behind all the little kids. They just ambush the character, photo-bombing whatever shot is in progress. They snap selfies with Ned’s phone and run off.

  It’s sort of a dickhead thing to do, but for the sake of the experiment, Nanette plays along until park security stops them and gives them a lecture about “ruining the magic for little kids.”

  Ned and Nanette nod respectfully and promise not to photo-bomb any more pictures before they are let go.

  They sit down on a bench near the Haunted Mansion, and she realizes both their shirts are soaked with sweat when she catches him glancing down at her pink bra, which is now visible through her white tank top.

  “That was cool,” he says.

  “Yeah.”

  “I think I’m in love with you, Nanette. Is that crazy to say?”

  Nanette looks down at her lap. It suddenly just got harder to pretend. Ned’s in love with a fake version of Nanette. It would be funny if it weren’t so depressing.

  “Want to go into the Haunted Mansion? It’s probably air-conditioned,” she says.

  “Okay,” he says, but he sounds confused.

  There isn’t much of a line, so they are inside within ten or so minutes. They go through the creepy room that expands while an evil voice talks about death and ghouls, and then they are in the little car sitting shoulder-to-shoulder while ghosts dance around them.

  Nanette wishes that the ride would last forever so that she will never have to continue the conversation she put off outside.

  After seeing the hitchhiking ghost sitting between them in the mirror at the end of the ride, they stroll out into the heat again.

  “I meant it,” Ned says. “I really do care about you a lot. I think I love you and I know you’ve had a tough year and are working through some things, but I’m okay with that and I’m willing to rearrange my college plans if it means we can give this thing a go long term. I’m serious.”

  And Ned is serious.

  Nanette can tell when she looks in his eyes.

  She swallows once and then says, “Let’s just have fun here and now, okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m all for fun,” he says, but the tone is wounded.

  She doesn’t want to hurt him, even if Alex would have called him a pretty boy.

  She doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

  But what to do without blowing her cover?

  “Nanette and Ned have to get to the meeting place,” she says. “It’s almost time.”

  They make their way back to the entrance, and when she sees Shannon and company, she sprints toward the safety of the herd.

  That night in the hotel room, Nanette tells Shannon about Ned’s proposal.

  “It’s sweet!” Shannon says.

  “He was serious, though.”

  “He’s a boy. He has no idea what he’s feeling or talking about. Relax. It’s just all talk.”

  Shannon’s never known a boy like Alex, Nanette thinks, and then says, “So do you think Nanette should break up with Ned?”

  “Why would you do that now?”

  “She doesn’t love him the same way.”

&n
bsp; “So?”

  “She doesn’t want to lead him on.”

  “My god, Nanette, it’s high school. Stop being so serious! Do you think I want to marry Nick Radcliff? Spend the rest of my life with him? Fuck no! But I’ll happily fool around with him for the next two months or so. A girl has sexual desires that need to be attended to, after all. Senior-year summer. It’s going to be hot!”

  “So Nick Radcliff is just a fuck buddy to you?”

  “Of course. We both know the deal. We’re having some fun now, but when we go to college, we’re free again. Ned’s a romantic, which is probably why he fell for you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You believe in stuff, Nanette. Some boys like that.”

  “Ned isn’t all that deep, Shannon.”

  She looks at Nanette for a second and says, “Are you?”

  Nanette opens her mouth to answer, but no words come.

  32

  He Smiles Like a Happy Wolf

  Ned becomes more insistent about “loving” Nanette and—because of the experiment—she tries to give him what he wants, allowing him to take her further and further sexually.

  She closes her eyes and pretends he’s Alex when he begins to do what Alex never did to her, and she justifies it in her mind by saying she should have done it with Alex before he died, which makes no sense when she thinks about it too much, so she tries not to.

  And then Nanette isn’t a virgin anymore.

  It hurts more than she thought it would but is over before she knows it. It’s the most anticlimactic thing she has ever done, and it has absolutely nothing to do with love or pleasure for her.

  Ned says it’s the greatest night of his life.

  They do it in his bedroom, which smells vaguely of sweat.

  His parents are at the movies.

  His nine-year-old brother, Seth, is in the basement playing video games.

  Ned rolls on a condom, pushes his way in and out of her for a minute or so—panting the whole time—before he flexes all his muscles, becomes stiff as a board, and then collapses and thanks Nanette repeatedly while she struggles to breathe. Having never been in this position before, she doesn’t know when it’s okay to ask him to get off her.