Belong

by Jennifer Foor

  Was she serious? She didn’t have a right to request things of me. “What the hell could you want from me?”

  “I want her gone, Chad. When I get there that whore better not still be hanging all over you. She goes, or I stay away.”

  I sighed. “That won’t be a problem. Rachel isn’t here.”

  “Oh, what’s wrong,” she taunted. “Did she get sick of you already? Did she go home to her husband again like last time?”

  I hung up the phone. She was out of line, and I didn’t respect her enough to give her any more ammunition.

  It took me ten seconds to locate Gracie, who was cooking something in the kitchen. I stood on the opposite side of the counter and waited for her to address me. I think she knew the shit was about to hit the fan. She stopped what she was doing immediately. "Why would you let Veronica stay with you?"

  “She called me crying, telling me she needed a place to stay so she didn't have to go home. She was at the airport.‎"

  I just shook my head. “Gracie, I know you meant well, but Veronica left knowing our marriage was over. She lied to me, as well as you."

  "I was only trying to help since she's with child."

  When she said it I wanted to walk out of the room. "She told you she was pregnant? Veronica told you?"

  "Was I not supposed to know?"

  I waved my hands around, feeling like the last person to hear the news. "It would have been nice if she would have told me."

  "Come again?"

  Her hand raised to cover her mouth. "I just assumed."

  After realizing Gracie was just another victim, I began to calm down. My anger needed to stay directed at Veronica. ‎If this was some ploy to get a rise out of me it was working. If it was in fact true, everything I'd planned with Rachel would have to change.

  "Veronica is on her way here. She and I obviously have a lot to talk about."

  "Chad, please don't be angry with me. She made it seem like you knew she was staying. She was so distraught. I just assumed I was helping you both."

  "I'm not upset. I just need to figure out what's a lie and what's the truth. Would you keep an eye on the kids so we have some privacy?"

  "Of course. Anything you need."

  Once I'd finished my chat with Gracie, I headed back into the office to await Veronica's arrival. I began looking at dates on the calendar, desperate to recall the last time I'd had intercourse with my wife.

  The moment I heard a car door shutting, I knew she was there. I stood, but refused to greet her at the door. After hearing it open, I called out her name to ensure she knew where to head.

  In all the years we'd been together I'd never seen my wife look so terrible. Her eyes were swollen, and there wasn't a drop of makeup on her face. She came in, avoiding eye contact with me as she sat down across from me. "I want to see Harper."

  "You will once we clear up some things."

  She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "Bring it on. I have nothing to hide, unlike you."

  "If you're talking about my behavior, don't bother. Whatever has happened is a direct result of your actions."

  "Let's not fool ourselves here. Whether I had an affair or not, you and I both know you would have slept with Rachel. My god, it only took you two a matter of days before you jumped in the sack. You think I'm a horrible person. Maybe you should pick up a mirror. You're nothing but a hypocrite."

  ‎She was a wreck, breaking down before she could finish her statement.

  "Are you pregnant?" I was through with being patient.

  She peered down, avoiding my ability to be able to judge what she was thinking. "Yes."

  "What?" I needed her to repeat it, because I had to be hearing wrong. “It’s not possible. No."

  "Remember that night after the Protégé shoot? We were in Rio. We danced and had too much to drink."

  It was all coming back to me; the celebratory dinner, the music, the alcohol. We'd had sex for hours that night. I closed my eyes and turned my head away. This was worse than I imagined. "I remember."

  "I took a test last week. The night you confronted me about Shelly, I was planning on telling you. ‎I made your favorite dinner, and wore something sexy, hoping that it could be a new start for us. I never expected you'd discovered my affair."

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. "You could have said something.‎"

  She sobbed harder. "No. Once you said we were done I knew I couldn't tell you. Your mind was made up. Then you got the call about your grandfather. You came here, and it got more complicated. The second you saw her again you knew you wanted her, didn't you? You asked me if I ever loved you, but I can ask you the same damn question. Did you love me or was I just someone to fill a void until you could return to your life here again?"

  "It's not like that."

  "Oh really?" She didn't believe me. "It's exactly how I see it."

  "I was good to you. You chose to stray from our marriage. What happened afterwards is all your fault."

  “We can’t keep at it like this, Chad. I’m sick of it already. If we’re done then we need to do the right thing with this baby.”

  “The right thing?” She better not have been thinking what I thought she was. “Don’t you dare even say it.”

  “Chad, you and I both know the timing is all wrong. You don’t want to be with me, and I’m not even sure what I want anymore. Let’s face it, we’re not in any position to have a new baby.”

  “You’re not getting an abortion, Veronica.” I was adamant. “Over my dead body.”

  “It’s not up to you. I’ve already made the appointment.”

  “You told our daughter she was going to be a big sister. How will you explain this?”

  She was bawling. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll tell her the baby went to heaven.”

  I stood up and walked to her side of the desk, crouching down to be on her level. “Please don’t do this. You’re a mother. You’ll never be able to live with your choice.”

  She nodded while scrunching up her face and finally falling down into my shoulder. “I don’t know what to do. It’s too much. I know I’m at fault, but you didn’t have to run right to her, Chad. You didn’t have to give up so quickly.”

  I took her hand. “You can’t abort this baby, Veronica. I won’t let you. That’s our baby. It’s Harper’s brother or sister. You may have cheated, but you’ve never been a selfish mother. I know you want this baby.”

  She nodded. “I do. I want it so much.” I watched her palm go across her stomach. “This is killing me.”

  Holding her hand seemed natural. I knew what it implied, and unfortunately I didn’t have any other choice. This was my child she was carrying. I wasn’t going to let her terminate the pregnancy just because she and I weren’t on the same page. “You’re keeping this child.”

  “I don’t want to be a single parent.”

  I cringed, but managed to get the words out, even though I knew they were going to destroy me later. “You won’t be. We don’t have a choice, Veronica. We need to stay together for our children. No matter how hard it gets, I won’t let you down.” There was a constant burning in my throat. I recognized it as pain, agony and regret. I knew this was going to destroy me, but it was out of my control. I refused to give up on my unborn child. Rachel would have never forgave me if I tried to. As much as I wished it wasn’t true, I was about to be a father for the second time around, and I had no idea how in the hell I was going to break it to Rachel that we weren’t going to have a future together.

  Veronica’s arms wrapped around my shoulders. She wept quietly, overcome with gratefulness, while I wanted to cry out in disappointment. Why, when we’d come so close to having a life together, did something like this happen to us? Why couldn’t we have our chance?

  It made no sense. I’d been a good person, and I knew Rachel was the same. We didn’t lie or steal. We worked hard and gave back to those in need.

  I needed Rachel. I needed her more than I’d ever needed anything in my
life, but I couldn’t have her. It was enough to make me want to run away before I had to break her heart all over again.

  Chapter 24

  I still couldn’t believe it. In the blink of an eye my life was taking a turn in the opposite direction of what I’d assumed. As much as I’d hoped to be able to start over with Rachel, I knew it was becoming impossible.

  Veronica sat next to me weeping. It was obvious she’d been under a lot of stress, and my pushing her away had only made it worse. I felt guilty for being so horrible, but not where Rachel was concerned. Instead of lying to my wife, and myself, I’d come to the conclusion I’d always be in love with her, even if the end result didn’t allow us to be together.

  Did I want to support my wife and fall back into the life we once shared? Of course not, but I didn’t have much of a choice. It wasn’t just about Harper anymore. We’d supposedly created another life, and now I felt obligated to give them both the family they deserved.

  “What about Rachel?” Veronica asked. “I need you to promise me it’s over between the two of you.”

  I sighed. “What if I can’t do that?” I was struggling. She needed me to be there for her, and I said I would, but I refused to force myself to give up on Rachel.

  “You can’t have both, Chad. It’s me and the kids, or your girlfriend.”

  “She’s not a home wrecker, by the way. This isn’t her fault. I came onto her. It wasn’t the other way around. She’d never do that.”

  She covered her face. I could tell she was frustrated, and definitely not in the mood to hear about details. “Please stop. I’m telling you, I’m not going to be able to handle it. I’m not going to share my husband with another woman, even if he doesn’t want me anymore.”

  “Are you kidding me? You were screwing your doctor. I’m not going to keep arguing about this, but I’m also not going to hurt Rachel when she doesn’t deserve it. I’m giving you what you want, now dammit, let me handle the rest.”

  “If you haven’t noticed, I’m the one who is going to have your baby. You either want it, or you don’t. Didn’t you just tell me to have it?”

  My conscience was deteriorating. I spoke in a low tone, almost afraid to say the words. “I love her.”

  She went off the deep end. “You’re an asshole.” She got close and shoved me backward.

  “I’m being honest. I know it hurts you, but I’ve got to be straight about it. Seeing her again changed me. Maybe it’s the pain of losing my grandfather. I don’t really know if something like that can make people more susceptible to relationships and feelings. We left things unresolved. I walked away from her when it wasn’t what I wanted.”

  She tried to cover her ears. “Stop it. I can’t listen to this.” She was obviously crying, feeling abused by my confession. I was angrily taking it out on Veronica, because she’d done me wrong. “I was a good husband to you. I never spoke to Rachel, not even once. I was faithful, and for a time I think we loved each other.”

  “But let me guess, it’s never been enough for you? It’s never been what you feel for her.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “You’re telling me. So what exactly are you trying to say? Have you changed your mind again? Do you want to be with her? Is that what you’d rather have?”

  “I want to be a father to my children, no matter what I have to sacrifice.” It killed me to say it.

  “There’s only one way I’ll agree to this, Chad. I’m not kidding either. I don’t want my children growing up with an absent father. You need to be there for them. Whatever you have with that woman needs to end now. You can’t have a life in both places.”

  “Is that all?” I could barely comprehend what she was asking. I wanted to see Rachel, to hold her in my arms and tell her I didn’t mean what I was about to say.

  “No. The one thing you need to do immediately is sell this god awful house and never return.”

  I started to argue with her about it being part of my families legacy, but I was fully aware how she’d turn it around to being something entirely different. My struggle to accept her request was harping her nerves. I could see her suspicious eyes attempting to read me; to see if I was prepared to give up what I loved.

  If only I could stall her. “Legally I can’t do anything until the will has been read. Once that happens I’ll get in touch with a realtor. I’ll do what you want, Veronica, because I know it’s not fair to the kids if I can’t be dedicated to them. I just need one favor in return.”

  “What?” I could tell she didn’t want to give me shit. “Haven’t you already gotten enough this week?”

  I sighed, feeling as if this was only going to piss her off more. How could I have loved this woman when she was awful? “I want to tell Rachel goodbye. She needs to hear it from me. I need closure.”

  “In other words,” she replied sarcastically. “You want to get one more fuck in before you go.”

  “It’s not like that. It’s not about sex. Just let me be decent. Have some compassion. She’s lost her husband and my grandfather, who was one of her oldest friends. I know you can’t understand this, but for a little while she thought she had a chance at happiness again, and now I’ve got to take it all away again.”

  “Fine. Go tell the home wrecker she can’t have you. Then get your ass back here and start making phone calls. I want to leave as soon as possible. I just want to put the past behind us and forget it ever happened.”

  She had me by the balls, and there was nothing I could do, not if she was carrying my child. Being a father was important to me, because my dad never got the chance to see the man I’d become.

  I didn’t argue with Veronica regarding the way she referred to Rachel. She was jealous, and who could blame her? Rachel had something Veronica never did. She had my undying love.

  I could tell she was beginning to understand. Her posture changed, like she was relaxing.

  "Chad, before you say I'm the devil, or at least think it about me, I want you to know I was going to have an abortion because I knew our marriage was over. I was prepared to accept it. When I got to the airport and went to buy my ticket, I freaked out. I lost it. It's not something I can explain‎. I just needed to hold onto something. That's when I called Gracie. She felt obligated to help me. I was wrong to force her hand. She'd never betray you. I hope you know that. I feel bad for causing you to be angry with her. You think I don't love you, that I'm a narcissist. You're wrong. I do love you. You came into my life and showed me not all men are monsters. You ‎loved me when I couldn't love myself. I still don't the way I should. I know blaming my childhood is getting redundant, but I'm screwed up. I never felt like I was good enough for you."

  "I've never expected you to be Rachel." As much as the idea ‎of comforting her pissed me off, it was obvious we needed to find common ground. Despite hating her currently, she'd always be the mother of my daughter, and possibly my unborn child. She might be a poor excuse for a human, but I refused to stoop to her level. Her selfish actions had caused all of this, and I wasn't about to allow her to take me down in her pool of loneliness, even though I'd never been this depressed in my entire life. "Don't cry. Well figure it out, but before I go and make these sort of decisions, I'm going to need to take you to the hospital. We clearly have issues with trust, and I'm not doing shit until I know you're really pregnant and when the child was conceived."

  She pushed me away, staring at me with hurt-filled eyes. "I would never lie about being pregnant."

  "Then you won't mind proving it. I'm a man of my word. I'll take care of my kids, but I'm not breaking Rachel's heart only to find out you've concocted this plan to ruin my life, and I sure as shit am not going to sell my grandfather's home just because you can't handle me having somewhere else to go."

  Her gaze left mine. "Fine. Whatever I need to do to win back your trust."

  "Good. I'll let Gracie know we're heading out for a bit."

  "Would you settle for a home pregnancy test until we can go to the
regular doctor?" Veronica asked while sniffles followed.

  "Yeah, I just need to know. You're throwing this shit on me at the worst time."

  "I understand."

  After speaking briefly with Gracie, Veronica and I hopped in a car and drove to the nearest pharmacy. She remained quiet during the ride, and more uncomfortable as I picked out and paid for a double box of tests.

  It wasn't until the journey home when she spoke again. "I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done. Maybe it's best if I get a small apartment once we go home. As much as I'd like to think we can co-parent in the same house, it's probably better if we're neighbors, close enough to be there for the kids every day."

  "Well figure it out. One thing at a time."

  ‎Veronica wasn't in a hurry to get inside and pee on a stick. I was lingering on a nervous breakdown when we went into the bathroom and I witnessed her peeing on both sticks. Almost immediately two lines showed up on each. It was like watching my beautiful future with Rachel being ripped from my hands. I said nothing while leaving the bathroom to go be alone. I had a lot to think about, and I was finished talking. My daughter had been a surprise pregnancy, but this was a disaster.

  Veronica found me out back, staring at the forest beyond the landscaped yard. It was chilly and she had her arms hugging her chest. “Are you okay?”

  “Maybe you should have asked me that sooner. We could have avoided a lot of this bullshit.”

  “Chad, I’m sorry. First there was Shelly, and then your grandfather. It’s all happened so fast.”

  “We can’t be together. It won’t work.”

  She was quiet when she whispered softly. “I know.”

  “Do you love Shelly?”

  “It doesn’t matter. The moment I found out I was pregnant I knew it was over between us.”

  I turned to look at her. Suddenly things began to make sense. “You didn’t go home because you didn’t want to face her?”

  “That’s part of it. Shelly wanted me to leave you. She thought we could live together. I knew you’d never approve of me having your baby and living with someone else, plus I’d made it clear I didn’t want you involved with Rachel. It would be selfish of me to do exactly what I’d asked you not to do. You say you’re confused, but what you don’t understand is I’m in the same boat. This hurts so much. I don’t understand how this can be happening. I would have been fine if I didn’t know.”