Belong

by Jennifer Foor

  Lately we’ve been talking about telling her the truth; that her mother only has a short time left with us. All I can think about is how you got through this. How did Grayson? I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. Veronica was a healthy spitfire only months ago. She was hell-bent on making me suffer, and now it takes everything she has to share a meal with us. How do I explain this to my daughter? How do I sit her down and tell her that the mother she loves is going to die?

  How is it even possible that my wife would die in the same way as my own did?

  I’m either the unluckiest person in this world, or glutton for punishment. Either way, I can’t see a way out of this with my head on straight.

  That’s why I haven’t called or written. I’m not the man I was a month ago. I’m tired. Every day is a struggle, and just when I think there’s hope, it’s stripped away from me.

  Even through all my problems, I still think of you, and hope you’re doing well. I miss you, but I know it’s not right to ask you to be a part of the mess I’m in.

  In the months to come I know it’s going to get worse. If you have any advice I’d appreciate it, because I feel like there isn’t a chance in hell for me to recover.

  Please keep us in your prayers.

  Love,

  Chad.

  I was in tears after his message, and knew it was impossible to comfort him with words, but was determined to do my best at it.

  Chad,

  I’m so sorry to hear about the prognosis and the pain Veronica has been going through. To endure such harsh treatments can take a toll on the body.

  Losing Grayson was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I didn’t get to say goodbye, and it kills me that I wasn’t there for him in the end. He died alone, which is something Veronica won’t have to deal with. You’re going to be there, holding her hand and promising to care for Harper. That’s the man she needs you to be. Don’t worry about yourself, or what will happen once she’s gone. Focus on the now. Live every single day like it’s your last and the rest will fall into place. You won’t need instructions. Your body will know what to do before your mind can catch up. I have faith in you, but I’ll keep praying.

  Hang in there, and know I’m only a phone call away, even if it’s to listen.

  Love,

  Rachel

  I expected him to write back, but didn’t hear from him again that night, or for the next few. Maybe he’d messaged me while intoxicated and regretted it. Maybe he knew it was best to stay focused on his family, instead of what could have been. I was prepared to be there as his friend, but understood why it wasn’t happening.

  At the end of the day I knew this would change him. I also knew there was little chance of me seeing him again, at least not in the near future.

  Once that happened, I knew I had to let go. I couldn’t keep hoping he was going to show up at my front door telling me it was finally our time to be together, because I no longer wanted it to happen. What I wanted for Chad, was to be able to handle the loss of his wife and still have the strength to raise his daughter. I prayed for him to be strong, and never stop hoping for he best.

  The next weekend I visited Grayson’s grave site. I replaced the flowers I’d left the last time, and brushed off his headstone, tracing the letters where it read ‘beloved husband’. “I miss you. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by lately. You probably already know what I went and did. Don’t be mad at me. During our marriage I never strayed. I didn’t regret a single day of our life together, but now that you’re gone things have changed. I’m tired of being alone, and Chad came into my life when we both needed the support of another. It was easy to fall back in love with him. Maybe I never stopped. It’s hard to tell, not that it matters anymore. As fast as he was back in my life, he’s gone again. Now I’m broken. I try to be grateful for my health and little Grayson. He’s so handsome, just like his grandfather. I wish you could hold him and see his little smile. It really does light up my life.” I paused for a second to calm down before I lost it. “I need a favor from you, Grayson. If you’re up there hanging out with some angels I need you to send one over for Chad and his daughter. Watch over them. They’re about to lose someone dear to them, and I know they could use all the help they can get. If you see Charles, tell him I’m doing my best.” I leaned over and kissed the cement block. “I love you forever.”

  I didn’t leave right away, instead I sat there on the cold ground, feeling as if we were spending time together. I closed my eyes and pretended we were laying together on the sofa watching a movie. I recalled the way his strong arms always made me feel safe, and how I could use them at the moment to make me feel complete again.

  Life wasn’t fair. The challenges we’re faced with are harsh. It’s no wonder some people can’t take it and end their lives, while the rest of us do our best to get by, because it’s the only way we know how to cope.

  Chapter 39

  Six months.

  Six months of grueling treatments, changing medications, and waiting for the inevitable.

  Once the cancer spread into her spinal cord, we knew it was just a matter of time before her body gave up.

  Veronica’s low-spirited demeanor had only progressed to a stricken state of depression. She literally woke up every morning talking about it being her last. She’d lost so much weight, because she could barely keep anything down.

  When I knew it was getting close to being over, I pulled Harper inside the room where Veronica stayed and sat her down on the bed with her mother.

  Veronica played with her hair, tears streaming down her sunk-in cheeks. “You look pretty today, sweetie.”

  “Daddy learned to braid. He said I’m a princess.”

  “You are. You’re the most beautiful princess in the whole world.” Veronica had been wearing a cap to hide the fact that her hair had fallen out. She was very uptight about it, never letting me see her bald head. I know she missed feeling beautiful, so I could appreciate how happy it made her to see Harper full of life.

  Harper stared intently at her mother for a second. “Are you going to heaven, Mommy?”

  I was shocked. I had no idea she even knew what it was. “Where did you hear about heaven?” I asked.

  “Grandpa Charles went to heaven,” she reminded me.

  Veronica reached for our daughter’s hand, taking it and lacing their fingers.

  “Gracie taught me the braid,” I mentioned. “It took me a few times to get it right.”

  “He pulled my hair,” Harper admitted.

  “I did my best. Be nice. You promised not to tell.”

  Harper giggled, filling the room with happiness for only a few seconds.

  Then Veronica spoke. “Sweetie, you know Mommy’s been sick. The doctors are doing everything they can, but I’m getting weaker.”

  “So you’re going to die?” She asked in a sad tone.

  “Eventually, yes.”

  “But I don’t want you to die.”

  It was too much for me to handle. I had to get up and pace around the room. When I was a young boy I’d had this conversation with my mother, and up until this very moment I’d blocked out how hard it was to endure.

  Veronica pulled Harper into her arms and both of them sobbed. As difficult as it was, I headed back toward them, wrapping my arms around the both of them as I sat down on the mattress. In this moment nothing else mattered, not our lives, or the future. We needed this time to let go, and boy did we ever.

  Harper ended up falling asleep in the bed next to her mother. Veronica asked if I’d leave her there for a while, insisting she was fine.

  Since I’d been working remotely, I used the time to go down to the office and make some phone calls.

  I’d been working on a spreadsheet for tax purposes when the doorbell rang. Thinking it was Gracie, I called out for her to enter.

  You can imagine my dismay when Rachel entered the office, carrying a bouquet of flowers. She was dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater, her hair fal
ling down over her shoulders. “What are you doing here?”

  I stood to get her to leave before Veronica could overhear and get upset.

  “I got your message.” She seemed just as confused as me.

  “I sent it,” came from a weakened voice in the doorway. “I sent Rachel the message from your email. I asked her to come.”

  I was astonished. “Why? We haven’t been in contact.”

  “I know. That’s not why I went behind your back. I asked her here, and I’d appreciate it if you both sat down and let me explain.”

  I did as she said, hoping this wasn’t going to turn out ugly. Veronica had never even mentioned Rachel, so it was absurd to discover she’d contacted her.

  Veronica made her way to the other side of the desk, sitting in my leather chair. She coughed a couple times, seeming to be out of breath from coming down the stairs.

  “Rachel, I asked you here today because I’m running out of time, and I know Chad wouldn’t do this on his own. He’s been at my side for the past several months, devoting all his time and energy to our family. According to his email account, you haven’t been in contact with one another.”

  “We haven’t. He’s completely devoted to you. You have nothing to worry about.”

  “Contrary to what you must think of me, I actually do have a lot to worry about. If I died tonight in my sleep Chad wouldn’t know what to do with himself. My family is suffering. They can’t go through this alone. You’ve been where they are. Chad reached out to you in your last email to each other. I read it several times.”

  I didn’t even know she knew my password, so you can imagine my surprise when she began admitting she’d gone through my things, my private affairs, to pry and find out dirt. “Why would you do such a thing?”

  “Because, Chad, I need to know you and Harper are going to be okay. I want to go in peace, and right now I’m too concerned about the both of you. I need help.”

  “I’ll do whatever you need,” Rachel offered.

  Veronica turned her attention away from me.

  “I need to know they’re going to be okay. I must be dying to say this to you.” She paused. “I need you to be here with them. Help them through this when I’m gone.” Veronica started to cry. I grabbed tissues and handed them to her as I made my was around the desk to comfort her.

  “You don’t have to do this.”

  Veronica argued. “Yes I do. I need to know my little girl will have someone to talk to. I need to know when the time comes she has a woman in her life to explain things. I need to know her father isn’t going to wither away in regret, because he feels guilty for something he had no control over. Rachel, I know we aren’t friends. I don’t blame you for hating me. I got to have the life you wanted with Chad. When I got sick, he returned to me. He’s been my rock, and I can never thank him enough for what he’s sacrificed.”

  “It was never a choice. I knew where I needed to be.”

  She snickered at my response. “You’re always doing the right thing, Chad. What about you? When are you going to realize you need to live too?”

  “I’ll deal with my life when the time comes. For now I know where my responsibilities lie.”

  “Bullshit. It’s time you let someone do something selfless for you.”

  She gave her attention back to Rachel. “Do you love my husband?”

  Rachel stumbled on her answer, probably because she was afraid of what would happen if she told the truth. “Yes.”

  “Would you do anything to see him happy again?”

  Rachel shrugged. “Within reason. Why are you asking? What am I here for, Veronica? I mean no disrespect, but it’s not my place to interfere. If Chad needs me for anything, he just had to ask, otherwise I’d like to give you space.”

  “I don’t want you to give him space. I want you here, with them when it happens. I need to know they’ll be okay.”

  Rachel looked to me before replying. “Okay.”

  “I don’t think you understand what I’m asking. I need you here, all the time. I need you to move your stuff in. this house is half yours anyway. Charles obviously thought you’d end up together. I want to know my daughter can trust you,” she began to weep. “To love you.”

  Enough was enough. While I could feel the burning in my own eyes, I looked toward Rachel and saw her reaching across the desk to touch Veronica’s hand. “I’ll do it. I’ll take care of them. You have my word.”

  Veronica smiled for a split second and then turned her head to look at me. “Can you take me back upstairs now?”

  I helped her up, lifting her into my arms so she didn’t have to struggle. She said nothing as we climbed the steps, not until we were in the privacy of her bedroom.

  “I’m not letting her move in here. You’re giving up.”

  “Chad, let’s be realistic. I don’t have much time left. You love her and she loves you. I need to know you’re taken care of, because if you’re happy, Harper will be okay.”

  “This is a crazy idea.”

  “Why? What mother gets to choose who raises her daughter if something were to happen? I’m grateful.”

  “You hate her.”

  “No. I hated how much you loved her. I was jealous. All my life I’ve wanted a love like that. I can’t keep fighting the inevitable. I’m dying, Chad. I need to know my family will be okay in my absence. You’re a great father, but Harper is going to need a mother, someone who will love her and treat her like she’s their blood. Rachel has done that already. You told me she raised her step-daughter. She loves you, which means she’d do anything for you. As much as it hurts me that I can’t be here to watch my little girl grow up, I need to make sure she had the best life possible. Why can’t you understand that?”

  Even though I understood what she was implying, I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. It seemed wrong and inappropriate. “I feel like you’re testing me. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Before I got sick, when we were talking about divorce, what did you want more than anything?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Chad, tell me. What did you want?”

  I peered over at Harper, still sound asleep, unknowing of her mother’s twisted idea of securing a replacement mother. “What good will this do? I’ve done everything that’s expected of me. I’ll take care of Harper.”

  “What do you want?” She repeated.

  Feeling annoyed, and quite frankly shocked by her ability to raise her voice, I realized she ultimately wanted the truth, no matter how painful it would be for her. “I want to be happy again,” I confessed in a whisper.

  “I’m making sure it happens, Chad. Consider it my going away gift. You may not understand. Maybe it doesn’t make sense at all, but I need to know she’s capable of winning over Harper. I need to see them together. I want her here, but it’s more for you. You can’t do this alone, not anymore.”

  “I’m not going to flaunt her around in front of you.”

  “Please.” She was tired. I could see it in her eyes. Suddenly, without warning, she pulled off her cap and tossed it on the bedside table. “I can’t fight you, Chad. Go downstairs and look her in the eyes before you ask her to leave. If you can’t do it without lying, then you know why I have to do this.”

  Veronica pulled the covers up over her chest and rested her head on a pillow. She turned to the side and closed her eyes, as if I’d already left room. For a few second I stood there watching her. Then, as he chest relaxed, rising and falling at a steady pace, I knew what I had to do.

  Chapter 40

  While I sat there in shock, I considered Veronica’s plea. I began to understand what she must be going through, and her inability to feel at peace until she knew her family would be cared for.

  I knew what she was asking hurt her. I can’t imagine having a child and knowing I wouldn’t be around to raise him or her. When I agreed to step in, I did it without hesitation.

  I loved Chad. It had never been a secret. I’d wan
ted to move into the mansion. I’d put my happiness aside so they could spend the last several months as a united front.

  Now I was being asked to step in; to be a part of the equation. I wasn’t sure how difficult it was going to be to make the transition, or even if wanted to be in the same room day after day with Chad’s wife, but I knew I could do it for that little girl. Veronica was right. We needed to build a relationship. Harper needed to know she could count on me, and in order for that to happen, she had to get to know me; to trust me.

  It took Chad a few minutes to return to the office. Instead of speaking right away, he walked right to the decanter and poured two glasses of a brown colored liquor. “Are you okay?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “Nope, not at all.”

  “Chad, you have to put yourself in her shoes.”

  “Oh trust me, I have. I just hate this. It will torture her, but it’s what she wants. How can something make no sense, but also make all the sense in the world?”

  “Why do some people live long healthy lives, while others are riddled with disease? There are some questions we’ll never be able to understand or answer. It’s life, and I suppose it’s also death.”

  He finished his drink, before I took my first sip. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “If you think it’s a bad idea, I won’t move in. I got an apartment not too far from here. You could bring Harper over for dinner some time if that would be easier on you.”

  He smirked. “You got an apartment? Why?”

  “Before I knew Veronica was sick, I sort of told Stephanie she could have the house on account of my moving in with you. I didn’t have the heart to go back on my word, plus I knew how much having the house would mean to her.”

  “Jesus, Rachel. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You were going through hell. It wasn’t a big deal. I’m fine.”

  “Well I’m glad one of us is. None of this is fine with me. Look at me. My life is crumbling. My wife is dying, and her last request is for the love of my life to move in with us. This is insane.”