Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  Since the moment I’d met her I had felt the need to touch her, to comfort her, like words weren’t enough. I’d never been a tactile person, but with Maggie I struggled to keep my hands off her.

  “Maggie, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it is about you, but I act differently toward you than I have with any other female. Perhaps it’s the circumstances we met under, or maybe I feel responsible for the situation you’re in.

  “I don’t need your pity, Noah,” she said as she sat up straighter and bristled defensively. My father shuffled into the room interrupting another awkward moment. He was a welcome distraction.

  “Wow, Noah, when your mom said you were bringing someone to dinner she never warned me how beautiful she was. Kennedy Haxby, my darling, but you can call me Ken, as in Barbie and Ken.”

  Maggie’s eyes brightened with the instant smile that stretched her lips as she reached out to accept the hand my father had offered her. He was hilarious, my father.

  “Has anyone told you how gorgeous you look, my dear?” he asked again because he obviously felt he hadn’t embarrassed her enough the first time.

  “Has anyone told you your directness since falling out of a tree makes people uncomfortable?” I threw back.

  Dad chuckled and perched himself on the edge of the antique love seat that sat in the bay window. "Room for one more," he said pointing to the empty space and winked at Maggie. It was an effort to wind me up… and it had worked. I cringed.

  Mom heard him and entered the room with a sassy swagger, “I hope it’s okay, Maggie. Molly’s taken charge of our housekeeper,” she informed her with a sweet smile then turned to my father. “And don’t be ridiculous, Ken; how could you even begin to think you could compete with our handsome hot rock star over there?”

  The smile slipped from Maggie’s face and she looked very uncomfortable. I knew I had to put the record straight. Except I didn’t know exactly how, so I played it safe and made it about Maggie and diverted attention away from me.

  “Cut it out. Both of you. Look at me. I doubt Maggie would ever be interested in what I have to offer with so many sophisticated men out there ready and waiting to sweep her off her feet.”

  Maggie glanced in surprise for a moment longer than I expected then flicked some imaginary lint off her skirt.

  “I don’t know about that. You’re beyond handsome, Noah. Of all my boys you were the one that had the girls beating down the door since fifth grade,” my mom reassured me. Maggie’s lips curved up at the edges and she smiled to herself. I pretended not to notice and was about to change the subject when Molly swung by the door looking completely at home.

  “Dinner is served,” she announced in her cute little voice and curtseyed. We all chuckled but managed to hold it together enough so as not to make her feel self-conscious. I knew my parent’s housekeeper had put her up to saying that. She had done the same to my brothers and I growing up, the only difference was we bowed.

  Mom was very taken with Maggie and chatted easily to her about her job as a fourth-grade teacher, and my dad became absorbed in chatting to Molly. I sat quietly glad not to be the center of attention for once and waited as Maggie shared the professional side of her life. I’d be hard pushed to tell you what she said because I had been so taken with watching her, rather than hearing what she had to say.

  The atmosphere around the table was more relaxed than any meal I’d eaten in a long time and as I couldn’t take my eyes off Maggie, I hoped she didn’t notice how attracted to her I was. I didn’t want the evening to end because I enjoyed Maggie and Molly’s company so much I didn’t want them to leave.

  Molly helped clear the flatware and take it to the kitchen as she helped my mom and our housekeeper to finish clearing up. It was Mom’s excuse to keep Molly out of the way because she knew I had wanted to speak to Maggie.

  When I suggested showing Maggie around the floodlit gardens at the back of the house, she jumped at the excuse to get out. I showed her around the grounds; the back of the house where my father had created a beautiful private walled garden.

  I clicked the black wrought iron latch, opened the small arched gateway, and revealed the plot. Placing my hand on her lower back. I led Maggie inside, down the steps and we stopped side by side at the bottom. She rubbed her upper arms and shivered a little.

  “Damn, are you cold? I should have grabbed your coat,” I said as my eyes fell to her hardened nipples sticking through her thin top. My cock stirred in my pants at the sight of them and I tried to ignore the urge to pull her into my arms.

  “I’m not that bad… there’s a tiny little nip in the air,” she replied and nursed her arms again.

  Reaching over my shoulder, I bunched some wool in my fist and pulled my sweater over my head. I tugged at the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it back into place, but not before I noticed Maggie checking out my bare abs. My heart fluttered erratically when I realized she wasn’t entirely immune to me and I bit back a grin.

  “Here, let me put this on you,” I offered, then rolled the sweater up and pulled it over her head. Again, I was surprised at how passive she was when I did that. She didn’t protest or resist and shoved her arms into the sleeves. I continued to help her set it straight and fixed the hem in place, then smoothed my palms down from her shoulders to her wrists.

  “There. Is that better?” I enquired still holding her upper arms.

  Maggie nodded with a coy smile and without thinking I slid my hands behind her long hair at the neck. Her breath hitched when I touched her soft skin at the nape. I felt her shiver and her eyes darted up to look at mine.

  She eyed me with an unsure serious expression and in that split second, we shared a moment until I looked away and broke the connection. I pretended not to notice the questioning look she gave me afterward and freed her long silky blonde hair from inside the sweater.

  When Maggie didn’t attempt to fix it in place herself, I smoothed it down and held the sides of her head in my hands. Then I noticed again that I touched her all the time.

  “I don’t know why, Maggie, but I can’t stop touching you. Since the first time I saw you I wanted to touch you. I’m not sure if my instinct is to protect you, comfort you, or if my motives are less selfless.”

  I expected her to pull away from me like she had most other times; however, her gaze fell to my mouth then she looked back up into my eyes and her gaze pierced my heart. Then my pulse raced when she kept our connection going without wavering.

  “I so want to kiss you. You wouldn’t believe how badly,” I confessed.

  Her eyes averted to the floor for a second before she looked up and into mine. There was heat in them, but I could also see conflict. “What is this, Noah? This… thing between us? What’s going on here?” she asked, eying me with confused suspicion.

  “I’m not sure, but I’m so attracted to you. I didn’t invite you here to hit on you if that’s what you think. Nothing that’s happened at any stage since I met you has been planned. Trust me, I’m not usually a very tactile person, but I can’t deny the compulsion I feel to touch you, or the swell of pleasure that shoots through my body when I do. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find you attractive—mesmerizing, actually. From the very first moment I saw you on the plane I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you.”

  I studied her carefully and waited for the rejection I felt would come when my words sunk in and was surprised when her gaze dropped to my mouth and lingered there. She swallowed audibly then glanced over my shoulder to look past me as if the connection between us was suddenly too intense. I didn’t miss the heated look she gave me before she did that which confirmed she felt something too.

  “Does it feel wrong… the way we feel when we’re together?” I gently asked and willed her to say, no.

  At first she didn’t reply, then she glanced back at me through her long dark eyelashes and considered her answer. “Yes—I mean, we’re not… together, but you make me feel… excited and scared at the same time. Alive, I su
ppose. It’s been a long time since any man has touched me.”

  Her honesty made my chest tighten in sadness when I remembered what she’d told me about the guy who ditched her.

  “Fuck,” I muttered. I hated that she couldn’t see how amazing she was, and I wanted to hunt down the guy who left her and hurt him for hurting her. “Do you want me to stop?” I prayed she’d think there was enough between us to let this happen.

  “Whatever I say will be the wrong answer,” she said in a sad, defeated tone as she shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

  “What makes you say that? Why would it be wrong? You’re in charge of your own destiny here.”

  “Think about how we met—what happened to Shona—your history with alcohol. I’ve been there before with a man who fought his demons through drink and I’ll never put Molly through that if I can help it.”

  Her words stung, and my heart sunk to my stomach. “Shit, and here was I starting to think someone really believed in me. If you never understand anything else about me, understand this. I came through that. I’m a survivor—not a victim. Yes, I’ll be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my days, but my son’s life is worth a hell of a lot more than a bottle of bourbon. It took me a while to figure that out during my darkest days, but I’m over those now. I don’t want my son to look at me when we finally meet and be disappointed.”

  A look of shame passed through Maggie’s eyes before she replied. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re not my father and unlike him you stopped.” She exhaled and her eyes softened when she looked into mine. “I admire you for breaking free from it, that takes strength. I take back that part.” I stared pointedly into her eyes, looking for truth in her apology, then decided she was only being rational and if I were in her shoes, I’d probably have felt the same.

  “Apology accepted.” I said and forced myself to smile even though the after effect of her words still lingered. I took a deep breath and tried again. “Okay. What about this? Forget everything. Clear your mind. We’ve only met for the first time, tonight. Now consider how you feel.”

  “I can’t, it’s too dangerous,” her reply told me she liked me… she wouldn’t have trusted herself not to go all out if the circumstances had been different. The response lifted my spirits.

  “Dangerous? Why would you say that?”

  “I’m older, you’re a rock star, for Christ’s sake. It wouldn’t be good for Molly. She’s barely dealing with her loss without…”

  “Since I met you, Maggie… no, since the first time I ever saw you, I was drawn to you. Even given the circumstances I couldn’t stop myself from being attracted to you. You make me feel centered. My thinking has never been as clear as it has been since I met you. And it’s been a long time since I felt this grounded. Certainly not since Andrea took Rudi from me. Despite what happened to Shona, you give me hope.”

  “You don’t know how much I’d like to believe that. How much I want for your fame and our ages not to be an issue. Then I think about your past relationship with alcohol, the press intrusion, your ex-girlfriend, and your son, and all I see is a recipe for disaster.”

  “Not forgetting Molly, your father’s relationship with alcohol, your baggage with your ex-boyfriend, or your dead sister,” I threw back harshly in frustration. My voice sounded much harsher than I had intended, but it got Maggie’s attention. There was no point in hiding how annoyed her comments had made me.

  Chapter Twelve

  Maggie

  When Noah echoed my issues in response to what I had said about his, it shocked me. My heart clenched tight at the home truths he threw back. All he wanted was a clean slate, and I was putting obstacles in his way. It became clear to me, I had given him hope. He dropped my hands and opened his arms wide. Spinning first to the left then to the right he drew in a deep breath.

  “Look around you, sweetheart. What do you see?” he asked with conviction. His family home was enormous with woodland all around and God knows what else because it was dark, and I couldn’t get the full impact of their affluence… but I knew his family had very deep pockets from the house alone. Was he trying to impress me?

  “Now, take a good look at me. What do you see? Try to push past everything you’ve read. Do you think I needed fame to have a good life? Do you think that’s what drove me to make music? Let me tell you I was a kick-ass gaming designer by the age of seventeen, Maggie. I had offers, and I could have had an amazing career. Sometimes I think I made the wrong choice. I think it would have made me happy. Instead of that I joined the band as a favor to George, my bandmate. His life was messy at the time and his family struggled. I wanted the best for him. Plus, I was so young and desperate to make my family proud… with five brothers who were already successful it made sense to hang in there with Fr8Load. Now? I wish I could go back to being just me.”

  “You don’t mean that,” I challenged.

  “I swear it’s true. What I’ve been through with Andrea was so gut wrenchingly traumatizing. She screwed with my head until it affected my mental health in ways I can’t even describe. I wasn’t brought up to be wild, and I never craved attention. I’m the youngest of six; a big tribe of loving, loyal siblings, I had all the attention I could tolerate.”

  “I get that, but it hasn’t stopped you from courting the press.”

  “You think? My biggest mistake was following the orders I was given when Fr8Load was in its infancy as a band. Our then manager said he’d make us legends. My gut told me what I was told to do wasn’t the way to go and I should have followed my instincts with that. No matter what the papers say, I have a good heart, Maggie. My regular life was taken from me and I ended up in this fucked up existence and estranged from my son. If I’d known how much I’d have to give up, I’d never have pursued a career in music.”

  “If you hate it that much why keep going?”

  Noah reached out and held me by my upper arms. “Trust me, I’d do anything to have a second chance with Rudi, but the courts have already decided I’m dangerous and he’s a vulnerable kid. What do they think I’d do to him? Believe me, it kills me every day to know strangers who knew nothing about me took my son away and took that pervert who grabbed me, and Andrea’s word over mine.”

  A compelling urge to comfort him consumed me and I stepped closer, wrapping my arms around his waist. He instantly placed a hand on my head and I leaned my cheek against his chest. His heartbeat was strong and steady, then his arms enveloped me and he rested his chin on top of my head.

  A deep sigh of contentment escaped his lungs and the warmth and security I had craved for so long was finally met. My heart fluttered in my chest and I knew I’d overstepped the invisible boundaries I’d set by clinging to him the way I was, but the relief of feeling I wasn’t alone for a few minutes gave me a settled calm feeling inside.

  “I get you. You showed me that by how you supported me during the flight home. I’ve been listening to you and my heart hurts for the pain you’re suffering. I understand how important it is that people believe your side of the events leading up to where you are now.”

  Noah suddenly pushed me away, staring into my eyes like he couldn’t believe I’d said what I had and then he hurriedly pulled me back flush against his chest, but this time his hug felt crushing, possessive, and desperate. Next thing I knew he’d separated our bodies, taken my head in his hands, and kissed me.

  I’d never been kissed the way Noah kissed me before. It was an everything kiss, packed with every emotion I figured he’d felt in that moment. Insecurity, anger, frustration, need, pain, sadness… then finally passion.

  It was an everything kiss because I felt everything he had too. My heart melted, my knees were weak, and every nerve in my body was alive with desperation, need, and anticipation.

  His sudden move was so unexpected I froze at first, thinking he would realize he’d made a mistake, but when he didn’t break the kiss and deepened it instead, a hundred thoughts crowded my head at once. I

  thought ma
ybe I was the one who should’ve had the strength to pull away, but at the time what was happening was so inviting and the smell of his manly scent surrounding me was something I’d missed the most since Woody and I broke up.

  Caught up in the moment I gave myself over to him, allowing him to lead the way as I enjoyed the feelings that went with it and worry afterward, because who knew if anyone would ever kiss me as thoroughly again? When he pressed our bodies together and held me tighter, deepening the kiss, I thought I would faint from the heady pleasure his tongue made me feel as it dueled with mine.

  A low moan of delight unexpectedly escaped from my throat into his mouth as Noah pressed his rock solid cock further into my lower abdomen.

  His expert hands wandered up and down my back sending a thrill of desire to my center before they swept sensually around the globes of my butt as his fingertips kneaded my soft flesh at the same pace as his tongue explored my mouth.

  My hands instantly migrated to his hair, and I sifted his soft blond locks though my fingers before I clutched a fistful tightly at the back of his head. He groaned loudly, then uttered “Fuck,” as he broke the kiss for a second to kiss my neck.

  Suddenly we were on the move as his mouth retook mine and I was lifted up onto his hips and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He crashed me abruptly against the garden wall and pushed himself flush against me again.

  Rocking his hips from side to side I felt his arousal graze my pubic bone as his need for more grew until he released a low tormented groan, broke the kiss, and buried his face in my neck.

  His breathing was heavy and irregular as he fought to control himself. When he kissed me again, his hand groped my breast with urgency as the heat level rose to a new height between us.

  I dragged my lips free and dropped my legs to the floor, pushing him back to separate us. Noah stepped back, let out a shuddery breath, and ran his hands through his hair. He looked both frustrated and guilty. “Fuck, sorry, I was getting carried away,” he muttered and glanced up at me with the same heat in his eyes.