Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  When Noah went to court the following morning, I tagged along and held his hand. Lester called Noah from his car to ours and informed him the DNA test result was back. Noah stiffened then stated we already knew the answer to that. Apparently, Lester couldn’t confirm it as he hadn’t seen it himself and only knew it was included in the emailed checklist of reports that had gone to the court.

  Glancing down at my slender fingers in Noah’s strong warm hand I felt a swell of love for him in my chest and squeezed his hand. When I looked up, his serious eyes met mine and I could see his concern hidden there.

  Apart from the call from Lester, we rode to the courthouse in silence. Noah stared out the window deep in thought and I left him to manage those without interference from me and before long Eamon drew up at the front of the building. Noah stiffened again and sat bolt upright in his seat. Assembled on the steps were a pack of photographers and reporters.

  “Fuck.” Noah muttered, “They’re like fucking vultures. Don’t they have anything better to do?”

  Eamon eyed Noah with a serious expression on his face. “Boss, if there was ever a day to keep your cool, this is it, right?”

  Noah tensed further then sighed heavily. Dropping his shoulders he slowly nodded. His eyes ticked over the faces in the crowd and his hand gripped mine tighter. I glanced out to see what he’d seen that had drawn that reaction.

  Andrea, his ex, was talking to a group of reporters on the steps of the courthouse. “Jesus, I can always count on her to create a fucking spectacle of us. She never thinks of our boy when she does this shit. Get the fuck out and listen to what she’s saying,” Noah barked at Eamon in frustration. At his request Eamon quickly got out of the car, locked the doors with us inside, and moved swiftly into position at the back of the reporters to hear what she was saying.

  Eamon’s presence drew attention to us and the press swarmed around the car like bees on honey. I was frightened as I listened to them banging on the windows, their voices slightly muted as they fired questions to Noah inside the car. Camera bulbs flashed incessantly in their effort to get the ‘money shot’ even though it was light outside.

  Noah ignored them completely, his neck straining past one of the reporters while his eyes were fixed on Andrea. I wondered what he was thinking watching her. I took his lead and tried to ignore the press. Also, I tried to study Andrea. I had only seen a few pictures of her online and those hadn’t done her justice. She was absolutely stunning—catwalk stunning—and I felt self-conscious of how I’d be compared. We were practically opposites to look at and the only thing I had in common with her was we had both carried a child fathered by Noah.

  Minutes later Eamon came jogging back, shoved his wide arms apart and spread a path through the press. Ushering them back to a safe distance he called out, “Back off,” before he gave them a menacing growl. I jumped at the fierceness in his voice.

  Once they had retreated a few feet, Eamon gave the window two knocks then opened the door. Noah yanked me out of the car, then took the stairs at a faster pace than I was used to as he dragged me along, wrapping a protective arm around me when we reached the top. He made no comment as we made our way into the court.

  Eamon murmured into Noah’s ear, and I figured he was probably explaining what Andrea had said as we walked the sterile oak-paneled passageway down to the courtroom. The high ceilings and empty space enhanced the echo of our hurried footsteps as Noah marched determinedly toward Lester who was stood outside the heavy oak doors at the far end of the corridor.

  Andrea’s mouth dropped as we passed because Noah completely ignored her presence and as soon as we reached Lester he ushered us straight into the courtroom. He directed Noah to sit at a table at the front and Eamon and I sat directly behind Noah and his legal briefs. I sat in silence as I watched a short exchange between Lester and another member of the team.

  Minutes later Andrea entered with her legal representation and sat on the other side. Lester turned to speak to Noah as the judge arrived, so their attention became diverted to him.

  Noah turned to look at me and I instantly smiled and mouthed, “I love you.” He gave me a small rueful smile in return before facing the judge. As I watched him sitting there at the mercy of the court, my heart almost tore in two as I sat quietly and waited to hear what the reports had to say.

  We sat through several minutes of legal exchanges between the judge and the council before the judge breathed impatiently and stared pointedly over his half-spectacles at Andrea. My curious eyes followed his, and I watched her straighten up in her chair as she sat looking innocently back at him.

  In that moment I had insight to the kind of person she was. She was using her sexuality to entice the judge, and I wondered if he could see through her smart clothes and perfect makeup to see what I did—a manipulative bitch who had put Noah through hell for years and deprived her son of his father.

  When he cut to the chase, the lawmaker said he had three decisions to make. The first was in Rudi’s case, the second the question of biological paternity in the case of Molly, and the third regarding Molly’s adoption. I figured the third would be moot after the second was decided as we knew already Noah was her father from Shona’s emails.

  The summary he read covered the observations, comments and recommendations made by the welfare officer in Rudi’s case, and was listed in bullet points. When he finished, I’d heard a lot of praise for Noah in the supervision reports.

  I almost missed what the judge said because I had been thinking on those when it sunk in that he had granted parental responsibility in equal parts to both Andrea and Noah. His final comments were that the welfare team felt they had all the evidence they needed, and no further assessments were deemed necessary.

  Noah’s shoulders sagged with relief before his hands flew to his head. Placing his elbows on the table his hands moved from his hair to his face and he broke down in relief. It was heartbreaking to see him reduced to tears, and I glanced at Andrea with disgust. The effect of the wise man’s comment on her was clear, after a shocked gasp of disbelief she looked like she’d been slapped—hard.

  Lester gave Noah a side hug, said something I couldn’t hear, and patted his back a couple of times. Noah slowly pulled himself together and took his hands away from his face. Turning to look at me he swiftly flew out of his chair, leaned across the small wooden balustrade, and gave me a tight hug.

  “Thank God,” he whispered.

  Calling Noah to order, the lawmaker turned to look at Andrea, who still looked stunned, and leaned forward to give her an angry glare. He then preceded to dress her down for the way she had manipulated a situation to her advantage and probably swayed justice for Noah in the past.

  Pointing out that Noah had paid a more than generous allowance for Rudi and paid for the home she lived in, he then said he’d considered this when he awarded custody to Noah. He went on to say Noah had shown how responsible he was in taking care of Rudi—even after the restraining order had been granted.

  Then he unexpectedly stuck his neck out and said he had reviewed the paperwork around the assault and had he been the judge in the case Noah would never have been found guilty in the first place. He said in his opinion the evidence presented was biased. It probably helped that the original judge was dead because he’d taken an unusual course of action to voice that for the record.

  It was obvious he had the measure of Andrea and stated that the custody agreement would be drawn up by the welfare worker in consultation with both Noah and Andrea and any such order must take into consideration Noah’s schedule of work.

  Andrea was about to protest when he silenced her by holding up his hand. “I will expect these arrangements to be served for consideration no later than fourteen days from today’s date in the best interests of the child. The sooner this is ironed out, the better for Rudi’s emotional welfare.”

  Leaning back in his chair he dismissed Andrea from the court because the second part of the hearing was about Molly and s
he was not an interested party to that.

  Andrea stood, gave Noah the stink eye, and left with a facial expression that would have turned milk sour. The judge waited until the doors closed then turned back to address Noah. He waved a piece of paper in the air as he looked down at his notes to prompt him.

  I have here the results of the DNA test provided by you Noah Lockwood Haxby at the medical facility to the court yesterday. From the paperwork I understand a sample from Molly Dashwood was also submitted by Molly’s adoptive mother, Margaret Dashwood. I believe the question of paternity has been raised after you, Noah, were named as the biological father of Molly.

  He asked the Clerk to the Court to approach the bench, and he passed the single piece of white paper to him.

  Without waiting the clerk unfolded it and cleared his throat.

  "These are the results from a DNA sample provided by Molly Dashwood, child, and second sample of DNA submitted by Noah Lockwood Haxby to determine biological paternity. The results are as follows,” he added and cleared his throat again.

  Result—Combined Paternity Index Result (CPI) zero percent. Probability of Paternity (POP) zero percent. The alleged father is excluded as the father of the tested child. This conclusion is based on the non-matching alleles.

  It went on to say the alleged father lacked the genetic markers that must be contributed to the child by the biological father.

  Noah leaned over from the waist and spread himself flat on the table. Clearly floored by the results revelation. Turning his head to the side I saw more tears flow, but not in relief. The shock of the outcome hit me square in the chest and I gasped. For a few moments I couldn’t think. A few seconds passed and Noah sat upright with his palms flat on the table. He looked behind him to me and then back to the judge.

  “We have evidence… the emails—”

  “I asked them to check the samples twice. There has been no mistake, Noah. I can see how that has distressed you and that leads me to inform you, Noah Lockwood Haxby, that this application is dismissed on the grounds of the physical evidence to refute your application to be recognized as Molly Dashwood’s biological father.

  When I saw Noah hang his head and close his eyes, my heart shattered into a million pieces at the cruel lie which had given us such a difficult dilemma to bear. Shona’s emails almost cost us our relationship. I didn’t understand any of it and I had no words of comfort for Noah.

  “Now, Noah, I can see how the impact of this information has affected you and how disappointed you are; however, I am in a position to address the issue of Molly Dashwood’s adoption. I would understand if you wanted to go away and digest what you’ve been told here today?”

  Noah glanced at me through his red-rimmed eyes and the hurt I could see he felt in his heart radiated into mine. Turning back to the judge he said, “I’d like to hear that now if it’s all the same to you,” Noah bravely advised him.

  “Noah Lockwood Haxby, in response to the adoption application you submitted with the agreement of Margaret Dashwood, adoptive mother of the child, in relation to the child Molly Dashwood, I am now in a position to recommend this and grant you joint parental responsibility for the child. This official adoption will be entered onto the Registry of births, deaths, and marriages in the name of Noah Lockwood Haxby, adoptive father of Molly Dashwood. All that’s left to decide is whether Molly continues to be known as Dashwood or Haxby.”

  Molly’s adoption by Noah was bittersweet because he had begun to think of her as his biological daughter and I hoped the negative DNA test wouldn’t impact on his relationship with her going forward. Neither of us had time to absorb everything as it happened. Noah turned to me and mumbled through his tears, “Haxby? You’ll take my name when we marry, yes?”

  It wasn’t how I’d have liked to decide but I nodded through my blurry eyes as my tears began to fall. What should have been a long awaited positive decision suddenly felt like a consolation prize because I had resigned myself to Noah being Molly’s father and I realized how comforting that had been to finally know who the other half of Molly was. With the DNA result being negative the question of who her biological father was had been opened once again.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Maggie

  Noah stood and turned as I rose to meet him. He scooped me to his chest as soon as the judge stood from his chair and headed toward the door. Separated by the balustrade we did our best to hug each other, “I don’t know what to say,” Noah admitted.

  “Me neither… other than Shona lied. Why would she do that? Why would she go to the length of chasing you to Australia unless she truly believed you were Molly’s father?”

  “I fear that’s the one question in all of this that will never be answered now,” he replied.

  We stood in silent reflection for a moment then I decided to put it out there, “Molly’s adoption must feel second best to being her biological dad. I can’t imagine—”

  “No, Maggie. You heard the judge. I’m her dad. Biological or not. I’m the man she sits across from at the breakfast table, the man who teaches her Math. The man who raises her onto his shoulders when she’s too tired to walk. I’m who she knows loves and protects her. How do you think she sees me? Do you think it matters to her at this minute how I got to be her dad? I’m still the same man who cheers for her when she’s doing well and the one who comforts her when she’s sick. The fact we can go home and tell her she can call me dad will mean the world to her. It doesn’t matter how we got there.”

  A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed it back because he’d said everything I needed to hear and even though he’d been dealt a major blow with the news we learned, none of it seemed to matter. If I ever doubted whether he’d show preference to Rudi and George over Molly he’d obliterated that thought from my mind with his words.

  Long after the judge had left the courtroom, we stayed in the sanctuary of the quiet place absorbing everything that had been said and it was an hour after the hearing before we left the court.

  In contrast to our arrival there, Noah didn’t shy away from the press when he saw them lurking but met them head on. To show those reporters our united front, Noah put his arm protectively around my waist and held me close.

  “I’ve only got a few words to say and I’m not taking questions, but there are things that need to be rectified for your information, then it’s our wish that you leave us alone.”

  Some of the press gang had been standing at the bottom of the steps and came clambering up to join the huddle already assembled around us. Eamon pushed one back when his microphone got shoved too near to Noah’s face.

  “For years I have been subjected to many mistruths and fabrications at the hands of the media. I’ll admit at the beginning of my music career there were acts which I don’t deny and indeed were sensational enough to attract extra attention for Fr8Load as an up-and-coming band. As time went on, the interest around me in particular, became so distorted it contributed to the separation of me from my son. Through biased reporting at the time, my trial for assault should have been handled with a better degree of factual information than that which was recorded, because I was in fact defending myself during a sexual assault. Since then, from the time I met Maggie there have been several inaccuracies which had led me to take legal action to defend myself and Maggie’s position. For a few months, Maggie and I were placed in a very difficult position due to reports which emerged from various sources who had been paid to disclose information. Despite the media’s interest in those events no evidence of conclusive proof has been provided to substantiate the validity of the information reported. This has caused me and my family unnecessary distress and heartache. A highly respected judge recently saw fit to revoke the restraining order granted following my guilty verdict of assault. Following this I was granted visitation to meet and build a relationship with my son. Today, the same judge has granted me joint parental responsibility for my son in the belief his esteemed colleague in my previous case was not
privy to all the facts when he made the initial decision.”

  Collective gasps came from the reporters as they feverishly wrote on their writing pads.

  Noah cleared his throat then continued, “I’d also like to inform you as a direct result of a story published which raised the question of paternity toward Maggie’s sister Shona’s daughter I submitted DNA. Today, I can confirm for you I am not the biological father of the child as per those emails.” The press gasped again then fell silent. Noah had their full attention.

  “I only have one more announcement to make today and this will come as a surprise to many. As of today, I am stepping out of public life. This morning I emailed my manager after discussing with the other band members my intention to leave Fr8Load. Since I was seventeen years old my character and reputation has been manipulated by many who sought to make a living from the little talent that I have. It is a God given talent, but many have lived better lives than I have simply by being associated with me, writing about me, or from selling products connected to me. This stops now. Thanks to the careful handling of my career by many of those others, I have no desire to perform in public again. I will be retiring from Fr8Load to focus on a more sedate career behind the scenes.”

  Sliding his arm from my waist, Noah grabbed my hand and nodded to Eamon to inform him he was done. Turning away from Noah, Eamon parted the crowd of reporters who were initially stunned; however, once the news had sunk in, they began to chase us toward the car.

  Eamon opened the SUV door and Noah shoved me in then jumped in himself and Eamon swiftly shut the door behind us.

  “Have you lost your mind, Noah?” I asked as I stared incredulously at him with raised eyebrows.

  “The opposite. I promised myself if the court decision went my way today, I was never going to put us in a position that could destroy us as a family again."

  “Don’t you think you’re being hasty? That your emotions are running too high to make a rational judgment about your future this way?” I asked.