My Dream to Be Free

by Juergen Stollin

But it turned out differently: The judge sentenced me to thirteen months in prison!

  The reason was that I was acquitted from the case of intentional smuggling but had not complied with my duty as a responsible citizen. But it would have been my duty to prevent accommodating smuggled goods in my car in a country where narcotics trade was going on. Now where was the catch?

  It stood at thirteen months, which meant that I would be free in three days!!!!

  I was exactly twelve months and twenty-seven days in prison. On the other hand it meant that I was innocent, only they could not let me get away after one year, I had to take my share of the blame. Thus I was not innocent but I felt as such, since I was indeed innocent. The mills of God grind slowly, but bureaucracy even slower. They had even more time, since the officials had to sit through an entire working life.

  I could not believe it but my lawyer guaranteed me that there was nothing more to come and therefore I congratulated him on this success. He said goodbye to me and gave me another letter for Chitra saying that he was informing her once again that an invoice was still due for payment and that he had an attested acknowledgment of debt from the consulate with her signature. This did not bother me much because I was in Corfu already packing my clothes.

  Back in Corfu this news the topic of the day.

  Many were jealous of me.

  These were the ones, who had not believed I was innocent because their arguments was the silly talk that everyone was guilty in jail. We were all guilty in one way or another. Sometimes we do not know it and at other times, we do not want to know it. Quickly I wrote a letter to Chitra that I was free and that she could pick me up in Brindisi or send money to the Consulate. The very next day I had police officers accompanying me to the ferry to Italy. I also received a five-year ban on entry into Greece. The last night at the "Philaki Kerkyra", as the Greeks called the place where I had stayed for the last thirteen months, arrived.

  Since I did not have money, I wanted to stay in the city and in the island longer to give Chitra more time to pick me up or transfer money. I even wanted to stay in the jail but that was not possible and I also was not permitted to remain in the island.

  The entry ban included a prohibition of stay. This was applicable immediately and so the officials had to put me on the ferry immediately and send me off.

  The State had probably been paid for the ferry, since my remaining money had been handed over to me along with my things, which I had to hand over when I was arrested. But that was just enough to survive for two days in Brindisi and would not have been sufficient for the ferry.

  I stayed in a small lodging room in Brindisi which was frequented by hippies. The young people sat during the day on the roadside, made some kind of jewelry items out of horseshoe nails and sold them to the tourists. Since I knew the people from the boarding house and needed money, I joined them and produced some necklaces and brooches from these nails, using pliers and hammer. Of course my goods looked like shit and did not sell anything. After a week of waiting for a message or a money transfer from Chitra, my constant hunger became too much for me and I went to the consulate. Nobody wanted to help me there and was told that I should try to get help from my wife, parents or siblings. After another week, the staff at the lodging house was not willing to listen to my talks and informed the Consulate. I received a ticket and a little pocket money.

  I wanted to go to my wife but landed at a whore's house

  I journeyed into an uncertain future because I could not imagine what was going on with Chitra. My parents could not write and I did not want to write to them either or ask them for anything. First I had to feel a little more comfortable with them and I felt totally lousy with regard to my parents. I knew the address of Chitra’s new apartment, through the letters. She had a room or an apartment in Frankfurt Westend.

  But she had never talked to me about her work. Most recently she was waitress in the Wienerwald and had served halved chickens, which I knew of. The older daughter was with my parents and the younger one was still in Ceylon with Chitra’s mother.

  So she needed just a small apartment, hopefully big enough for two. I had to get a job immediately and then the children could come and live with us. At least we were a family and I was fed up my extra tours. I wanted to become a family man. After all I had already done some jobs and I could get a job immediately in some field. I didn't care if I worked as a cook, confectioner or taxi driver. The main thing was a job.

  I boarded a train to Frankfurt and would arrive in the late afternoon. I knew where the Rheinstrasse was and could walk there from the railway station though I still had ten Deutschmark, which would have been enough for a taxi.

  I was surprised to see in which noble area she lived and I was even more surprised when I rang the bell, to hear her voice on the intercom, which advised me to make a telephonic appointment the next time. But now she asked me come back in ten minutes again. I had not spoken so far and now I told her that I was her husband from Greece. There was silence for a few seconds and then she responded that she was in the bath and had to first dry herself and would then let me in. By chance, another inhabitant of the house came and before the door closed and got locked again, I was able to enter in quickly.

  Now I stood in the hallway and had to find out where the apartment was. I did not have to wait long and saw the man, to whom she said goodbye. What I had seen was enough for me.

  I was struck like by a lightning!

  I stood there now and my future plans had vanished into thin air. Simply gone.

  How much shit did a man have to go through till he finally sees and realizes that the person, whom he loved so much and for whom he put up with so much, was a harlot and simply a piece of dirt! She still stood at the door and saw me only when the client stepped aside and went to the house door.

  She could not suppress a cry of horror and wanted to throw herself upon my neck but I pushed her away and just said that I would not step into this apartment.

  I told her that she could find me in Hotel Eden in the Münchner Straße and that she should bring me enough money for the hotel bill.

  I made an about-turn on the spot and went back to the street, without listening to her hue and cry. There was a taxi-stand at the next corner and I drove to the hotel with my last few Deutschmark. I can’t remember any more if I was very angry or just sad. Only I had expected the reunion to be different. But I think that she could not evade her sexual drive. Maybe he was a friend that she got to know during my absence and with whom she had a sexual relationship. Yet it did not appear to me so as if they had been saying goodbye like friends but it had been rather cool and contrived. Anyway what difference did it make? Irrespective of whom she whored around with, whether for fun or for money, I had been the asshole sitting in jail and here she had been partying hard.

  At the time at the Greek border, I could have even told that she knew exactly as much as I did, namely nothing and they would have locked her up as well.

  Whether my parents knew about what she was up to here? It would infuriate my father, who had already said that my wife was no good already during the birth of the first daughter. She came in twenty minutes to the hotel room and the discussion went on for over two hours. I made it clear that I was more than fed up of her. First she had not come for the hearing and then she had not sent me any ticket or money and now she was whoring around as in the past. I explained my point very clearly that I was finished with her - now and forever! I told her that from then on she could do what she wanted and I would not mind. Only she should forget the girls, since I would fight tooth and nail to prevent her from contacting them.

  She began to explain her situation sheepishly. But I did not want to hear it and told her that she should only pay for my room and give me money for traveling to my parents; after that I would forget her!

  My parents would not be in their best moods, but I had to go to them. My whole future dream was just an illusion and I woke to reality when I visited my parents.


  The only person who was happy about my visit was the daughter. She was now five and a little princess.

  With her blue black hair, the slight bronze tan and her raven-black eyes, she had conquered every heart immediately. She now already resembled her mother completely and some blithering idiot said that she resembled the father a little. Not everyone knew that this was not possible at all. It was nice that the little girl resembled her mother. I hoped that she would not become like her mother.

  It was weird - the almost white daughter grew up in Ceylon with her Ceylonese grandma and the dark daughter grew up in Germany with her German Grandma.

  The parents of the children were both not in a position to bring up their children.

  Something had got totally out of hand in this family. What I did I do wrong?

  What I had done wrong in the past?

  But I only wanted to make sure that everything was fine and yet whatever I touched was a disaster. By now I was convinced that I should have never married, at least not so early and then not an Asian woman.

  It just did not work; I had also been deceived by the mentality, since Asian women are not at all so loving and subordinate as you would think; they are the devils. So now we had a devil in our family that attempted to destroy everything.

  My parents always tried to make it clear to me that a regulated work would be the best for all and that I should immediately submit the papers for divorce and send Chitra now at last to ‘where the pepper grows’ (meaning: Good riddance).

  I also had to come up with something regarding my daughter in Ceylon immediately! She had to be brought back as soon as possible to Germany. Here she would have the chance of a decent education and learn a profession even without her sordid mother. In Ceylon whether with her grandma or with Chitra, she would get the heritage of her mother - even if she didn't want it and it would happen! Mother then also said that she and Father were prepared to educate the girls. We should only issue them an authorization.

  All this were issues, which had to be worked out in detail and we needed Chitra for this. As for me, I got my nose rubbed point-blank from my father who reminded me once again about the pension insurance scheme and the social insurance. He said that it should be clear to me that my ruined life could not continue like that.

  I was told I should grow up and take care of my obligations.

  It was once again election year; Father dragged me into the polling station and I had to vote. But I had no idea whom I vote. Basically, it didn't matter anyway. They all promise and once the fish is in the net, they just do what is advantageous to them and their party.

  The correct government are the industry and the banks anyway.

  That is why I wrote the following on my ballot, which can be read in the Bible: "Behold ye are nothing, your work is less than nothing and to elect you is an abomination to me!"

  Father was pleased to have encouraged me to do my duty and I knew that my ballot paper was invalid. Perhaps someone had read my saying and had something to smile about.

  The combined problems rushed upon me from all corners but this didn't bother me. At that moment I was in an empty world, which was without meaning or values. Why did Chitra do this to me? Was I not generous or had I not been magnanimous to her?

  In the past, when we had been running the restaurant and she had come back pregnant from Ceylon, had I not forgiven her totally, fought against my family and stood up to her? But now I could not put up with this state of affairs. I had been made the biggest moron on God's earth and that hurt me more than anything. Once shit, always shit!! I did not need Chitra anymore and my daughters could also do without her. So I would look for work. I had to enhance my curriculum vitae a bit because I did not want to specify the year in Greece and also the time I was absent while in Ceylon. So I stated that I had sailed in a foreign ship on the sea that did not give me any certificates.

  But I came up with a better idea and I wrote a letter to my acquaintances Jo, whom I had got to know in Corfu. In it I asked him to help me with regard to a job. Jo was one of my clients, for whom I had done one job or other during the time in Corfu.

  The extra portion of meat I had served him now paid off. Jo had a transport company in Munich and had offered me that when I became free again and if I needed help, he would be there. So this is life, a perpetual give and take. Often I had placed the best pieces of meat in Jo's pot and these pieces were also big. I had also taken letters out of the jail for him, of course without censorship, through my connections in the kitchen. Normal post with censorship took forever and was limited to one letter a month. I also was responsible for delivering his clumps of hashish, which he regularly received.

  So it was in the prison in Corfu and I believe it is so in all other prisons too.

  But first the matter with the children had to be regulated and Chitra had to be fetched.

  She came by taxi from Frankfurt and was already totally drunk, which she probably needed to be. She obviously did not have the courage to confront us. Well, Mother got the signature that she would be the guardian for the two daughters. Chitra wanted to transfer money to Mother each month, which my parents refused. My mother made it clear to her that the money from her would not bring the girls any happiness and moreover she did not want any. And as long as she, Mother lived, the girls would not have any worries, my mother assured her. Only Chitra should leave the girls alone.

  I noticed that Mother knew what kind of a job my wife was doing. There were some more heated discussions and in the end I had to put Chitra by force into the taxi that was still waiting.

  The letter I was waiting for from Munich arrived and Jo offered me a job as a pickup car driver with the option of partnership with monthly contribution, which would be automatically deducted from my salary.

  From the first day we were partners, only I had to provide a monthly deposit. This would mean that I only had a meager salary until I had paid off half of the capital. Then I would get half of the turnover of course, after deduction of the costs. This sounded very good to me. But Father said that he did not like the business and that he was rather skeptical. Partners are partners and at some point he would cheat the other and there would be a dispute, he said.

  The situation was clear for me - I had a real chance to get back on my feet and I would never fight with Jo. With renewed courage, many promises to the parents, but a little luggage, I made my way to Munich. Since I was well on my way to becoming an entrepreneur in matters of transport and decluttering, I already felt a bit more balanced than a few days earlier after my arrival in Frankfurt.

  Since the business was going very well and Jo and I worked hard, we were able buy a second small truck and also employ a helper for each transporter. Thus, each vehicle had a driver and two workers.

  I had already paid my partner-share and thus the income from the truck I drove was my share, after deduction of the operating costs.

  I had calculated that it was so but after the breakdown of the remaining net profit, my share was much smaller than Jo’s. I spoke to Jo about it and he explained it to me. Since he could not drive at the moment because he wanted to finish his studies, he had a driver for his vehicle; moreover, his girlfriend did a lot of work for him and he had to pay her too.

  To put it in plain language: The turnover of both the vehicles came into one cash box.

  The operating and other costs were deducted and payment was made to his girlfriend and the extra driver from the profit - only after that it was split. How did I get around to paying Jo’s girlfriend and his driver to, who of course worked for Jo?

  It would have been more correct if Jo had paid his employees from his part of the profit, who were there for him in his place.

  Due to the fact that he did the office work, I was responsible for the maintenance of the vehicles. I offered Jo that I would get a car cleaner and a driver, so that I could get another job and these two people would have to be paid from our business - and that we could divide the rest. T
here was a huge outcry and there was a fight. Once again I had to think of my old man. Why were the older people always right? It is so embarrassing to have to admit that I had made a wrong decision once again although I had been warned.

  Father’s observation that there were people who grew up at the age of twenty and there were others, who never grew up suited me accurately – I belonged to the second group. Since I wanted to be an adult, I decided to withdraw from my friend Jo and get my share of the business to be paid out.

  I sent one part of my money home and I bought a Mercedes 190 Diesel with the other part, since I had got an offer to move trailers - from Allgäu to Kiel and from North Germany again to Hesse or Bavaria. Since I was a self-employed entrepreneur and could schedule my time as I wanted, I was a happy man again.

  While driving on the motorway and when there was a ban for trucks for overtaking and I crawled at fifty through the country, I often thought that the truck drivers would just overrun me. But they let me live and only showed me their middle finger.

  But as autumn and winter came and I did not get any more driving jobs, I had to find a new job once again. Since I had my home in Munich, which was more of an apartment, I stayed there and looked for a job there.

  I saw an advertisement in a local that a big discotheque was looking for a doorman or a security person - or to put it very clearly a bouncer. Of course I got the job because my physique was suitable for a bouncer, to instill fear or at least respect in certain people.

  Since I had my apartment at the Westkreuz, it was not far to Gröbenzell. Besides, my duty was only from 8 pm. Except on public holidays and on Sundays. I had to be there already in the afternoons, since there was a special program for the very young ones, sometimes even with parents’ accompaniment. But there was strict supervision from 9 pm.

  Sometimes I caught younger people after 10 pm and there was trouble. But I didn't accept any bargains on this since the police or the public order service also got involved with it now and then and made supervisions. Then I would have been the stupid one.