Fast Forward

by Marion Croslydon

“I’m going to ask it. Sorry if this sounds like I’m overstepping the line, but do you have enough to pay for the extra nights here and the trip back to Steep Hill?”

  She answered me with a shy smile. “I do. Thanks for asking.”

  There was nothing else to say. I had to make a move now or I’d miss my plane. I opened the door, Cassie close behind me. I gave the room one last look, ending on the bed we’d slept in, our bodies intertwined.

  Cassie was there next to me, but her heart was closed up. I couldn’t leave knowing that. I stepped toward her and looped my arm around her waist. She rested her head against my chest. My free hand stroked her neck and pulled her closer against me. My mouth took hers, my lips, my tongue owning hers. I didn’t tease. The kiss wasn’t foreplay. I wanted it to have its own meaning.

  When I stepped outside, the slight shake of Cassie’s hands and lips made me feel good about myself. Not for long though, “Goodbye then.” I tried to make the words sound all casual. “Each time I leave you I feel that silent fear inside me, the fear I might never see you again, that you could change your mind and break my heart all over again.”

  I’d said too much. I waved at her with the tips of my fingers and turned away.

  “Champ!” I stopped and looked back at her standing against the doorframe. “I’m not sacrificing anything.” I couldn’t miss the tears that meshed with her voice. “I’m happy never to set foot on stage ever again and simply sing off-tune under my shower every morning. As long as I make him happy.”

  “I want to look after Lucas, but I also have to look after you. Make sure you’re both happy because one goes with the other.”

  “I’m doing exactly what I want to do. Not just for Lucas or you, but for myself too.”

  “I trust you, Cass, as long as you’re sure you’re telling the truth. To me and to yourself.”

  CHAPTER 13

  Cassie.

  Two days since I arrived in Steep Hill and I couldn’t avoid Woodie any longer. I wanted to see him. But now, each time I was going to see him, it’d be a package deal: Woodie and Clarissa.

  So I’d finally accepted their invitation for dinner. Ten minutes into our chitchat, and they’d broken their big news.

  The news that my best friend was getting married to my high-school nemesis.

  Clarissa hadn’t stopped babbling. “I’ve always dreamed of a Christmas wedding. There’ll be snow and we can all have eggnog in Woodie’s barn. What about one of those sleighs to take us away from the church?”

  The image that sprang to my mind was of freakin’ reindeers flying through Steep Hill, Kansas, with Woodie and his bride on the backseat. The weirdest thing was that Woodie didn’t seem one bit concerned about making a fool of himself. He kept gaping at his fiancée across the dining table and I wanted to wipe the saliva that dripped from his mouth with my napkin.

  “… like at your wedding, Cassie.”

  Double-take and back to my hosts… and the nicely-laid table Clarissa had arranged for my welcome-home dinner. “Come again?”

  “The snowball fight we had outside the church?”

  I remembered the snowball fight. I didn’t remember Clarissa at my wedding though. Was she even invited?

  She clasped her hands together. “I loved your wedding. It was so romantic, like in The Notebook.”

  I choked on the beer I’d just gulped down. I coughed again while tapping my chest. Clarissa handed me another napkin, a dry one, to clean my chin. Classy! I doubt the girls spat beer on themselves in any of those mushy stories.

  “Your gran used to love that book, remember?” That was Woodie asking.

  “That she did.” And I used to pretend I hated it by sticking my fingers in my mouth and fake puking. It used to drive Gran up the wall, me and my un-ladylike manners.

  “More cheesecake?” Clarissa asked. The curls of her hair fell gracefully over her shoulders. She was slimmer than she used to be… with the exception of her boobs, of course. To tell the truth, I’d always been a tiny bit jealous of her breasts. Not that I’d ever admit it to anyone.

  “Yes, thank you. I’m impressed you made it yourself.” I handed her my empty plate for another helping. What was it with all those women with crazy good baking skills?

  I got my very generous slice of cheesecake.

  “She woke up before dawn this morning to make it.” Woodie covered Clarissa’s hand with his, his eyes brimming with puppy love. “In case it didn’t work and she had to start again. She’s practiced baking that cake so many times I’ve gained twenty pounds.”

  Had I missed something over the last six years when I drove past her and ignored Clarissa? Had she been holding out a hand to me all this time? Totally possible. I’d had my head so far up my own ass, chewing on self-pity, I’d seen nobody. Not even my best friend falling in love with a girl I was supposed to hate forever and ever.

  Back in high school, Clarissa had practiced giving blow-jobs the same way she baked cheesecakes today: By virtue of repetition. Whatever she’d done then, the only one who’d been hurt had been her. At least, I’d hoped so! What I’d done right at that time, lying and taking life-changing decisions away from Josh, had hurt so many more people in much deeper ways, it couldn’t compare.

  Was Josh right? Was I making the same mistakes all over again?

  The question filled my mouth with a bitter taste that spoiled my appetite for the cheesecake. Later on, Woodie offered to walk me back to my half-dead Chevy. I was about to step on the porch of the small house my best friend had built on the edge of his parents’ farm, when I spun around nearly bumping into his bulky chest. Clarissa was already busy tidying the table.

  “Clarissa, I’m happy—” I stammered, “I’m happy for the two of you, happy you found each other.”

  She froze mid-way through carefully folding a napkin. Her mouth shaped into a weak smile and I swear tears twinkled in her eyes.

  “Thank you, Cassie. It means so much to me that you approve of me being with Woodie.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry it took me so long to understand.” Or to care.

  “Better late than never,” Woodie threw that out as a joke, but I saw the satisfied smile he was trying to hide.

  We walked back to my truck and he opened the door to the driver’s seat for me. “So Cassandra O’Malley is gonna live in Washington D.C?” he asked, playing up the last words. “No Nashville, no touring, no music anymore?”

  “No music for now.”

  “No regrets?”

  I was about to answer “None whatsoever,” but I caught myself. “I’m not giving up, I’m only postponing.” The last days had turned me into a parrot, repeating the same shit over and over again. Was I trying to convince myself or what? “I can still write songs though.” And I told him about Sweet Second.

  “That’s awesome, Cass. I’m impressed.”

  I was proud of that song, but I had serious doubts I’d get to sing it on stage ever again, let alone in a recording studio. “So I guess the next time I see you will be on your Big Day?”

  “Something like that… I’ve something to ask you.” Woodie started shuffling the dust on the yard. “I know Clarissa wasn’t the girl you’d like me to end up married to. She went a bit wild in high school … She screwed up—”

  My hand flew to Woodie’s buffed-up forearm “I screwed up far worse than Clarissa. All the ugly things I said about her over the years, I should swallow them back like a nest of vipers. I had no right to treat her like I did.”

  Woodie patted my hand. “That’s real nice to hear. That’s why maybe you could, I mean, if you can come to Steep Hill with all the things happening with Lucas, maybe you know—”

  “Spit it out, Woodie!”

  “Would you be my best man?”

  I gasped.

  “I mean, my best girl, or whatever you call it.”

  I forced my chin to move back up again. “I didn’t expect—I mean, I’ve been so horrible and selfish to you and Clarissa. Are you sure you w
ant me—you know, at my wedding you were—”

  “Spit it out, Cassie!”

  “Well, you were Josh’s best man so I’d understand if you asked him to be yours.”

  “Josh and I, we were best friends in high school, but high school was a long time ago. We’ve done a lot of growing up, since then, you and me, so I want you to be the one standing next to me when I say ‘I do.’”

  I felt my eyebrows arch and Woodie started to backpedal. “Obviously, you won’t be the one standing next to me, right next to me, Clarissa will be, but you’ll be on the other side.”

  “I get it, Wood.” I squeezed his arm. “I’d be honored.”

  I kissed his chubby cheek. I hoped he’d keep looking like the cutest teddy bear I’d ever seen.

  “I’ll let you get back to your fiancée.” I hopped inside my truck and landed on a spring that was sticking up from the bench seat. Ouch! My Chevy was a danger even to my butt.

  Woodie laid his hand on the frame of the opened window of the truck and leaned against it. “Clarissa thought Lucas could be a ring bearer. Maybe you’ll have him back before Christmas?”

  I clasped my hands tighter over the steering wheel. “Maybe.”

  Woodie stepped back and I switched on the engine. I shouted a silent ‘Thank you’ when it started. I waved at my friend and shifted the truck into reverse. I was half way down the driveway when I popped my head out of the window and shouted, “Wood, cut the sleigh!”

  The sound of his laughter warmed my heart on the drive back to the farm. I forced myself to focus on the road ahead of me because my mind kept running away with images of Josh, Lucas and me at Woodie’s wedding. It was getting all kind of syrupy.

  I drove past Josh’s family house. It hadn’t changed over the years: freshly-painted with a deck made for lazy, star-gazing nights. It wasn’t the same in all the meaningful ways it used to be though. There wasn’t a family living there anymore, just a divorced woman alone. Jack MacBride had never been the devoted father and husband he made himself out to be in front of the whole town.

  Without planning it, I turned the Chevy into the alleyway. I could see the light filtering though the curtains of the living room. I stopped the truck and the creaking of the brakes echoed throughout the silence outside. If anyone was already asleep, well, they were awake now. Guilt shifted away when Josh mom’s light figure stepped out from the shadows on the porch.

  I gathered all my courage and got out of the truck. The coming conversation was long overdue.

  “It’s so good to see you, sweetheart.”

  In a couple of strides I was locked in Miranda’s arms, breathing in her familiar scent of sweet tea.

  With my head snuggled in the hollow of her neck, I mumbled. “I should have come and talked to you as soon as I came back two days ago. I should have come and talked to you so long ago. I was ashamed. I was a coward—”

  Miranda hushed me with gentle taps on my back. “It’s the past. Let’s start afresh.”

  I felt my muscles loosen and the tension that had stored up in them disappear. Alfredo’s death had hit me hard and thrown my emotions all over the place. I was so very tired.

  Miranda pulled me up the steps leading to the porch. Slowly she sat me down on the bench there. She didn’t ask me anything. I didn’t say anything. I just sat there and it felt like my batteries had finally ran out of juice.

  I’d spent so much of myself trying to be a mom and at that instant, I needed one. I needed my Wonder Woman, my superhero, someone to hold me, soothe me, and tell me it’d be okay in the end.

  The next hour was a blur. Miranda gave me a cup of cocoa with a dollop of fluffy cream coating the top. She listened to me while keeping her arm around my shoulders. I rambled on and on about the last six years with no concern for chronological order. She didn’t seem upset with me for hiding her grandson from her, for breaking her son’s heart.

  When the confession and the cocoa were finished, she kissed the top of my head.

  “I’m going to say to you the same thing I told Josh. It’s time for both of you to let go of the past and stop holding it against yourselves… against each other.”

  “But what if we haven’t changed enough, what if we keep making the same mistakes?”

  She shifted on the bench so that she now stared straight at me. My spine stiffened under her gaze. “Would you give up Lucas again?”

  “No! I’m not sure I’ll be the best mother in the history of motherhood but, I’m sure gonna try hard.”

  “There’s no such thing as the best mom, darling. All of us, we just try and do our best.”

  “You don’t. I mean, I know Josh thinks you are the best.” I cleared my throat. “When I was a child, I liked to pretend you were my mom. All those Sundays I came here after church to have a slice of homemade apple pie … I pretended you baked it just for me.”

  “But I did sweetie. That apple pie was for you. God knows Josh wolfed down enough food the rest of the week.”

  Tears tingled my eyelids. “Thank you. That pie used to make me very happy.”

  “I want you to promise me something Cassie.” I nodded. I’d have promised her anything. “You and Josh must stop second-guessing each other. Be more open about your feelings. When Lucas comes and lives with you, life is going to get busy. There’ll be school. There’ll be football practice, homework, play dates. It’s so easy to forget about the person living next to you because you don’t have time anymore for each other, for yourselves.” For a second, Miranda’s gaze got lost somewhere over my shoulder. “Never forget that before being Lucas’s mom and dad, you’re a man and a woman who love and respect each other. That’s what’s at the heart of a happy fam—”

  Blazing lights tore through the night around the house. An Escalade I recognized parked behind my Chevy. Miranda sprang to her feet and mumbled a bad word I’d never heard her say before. Jack MacBride stumbled out of the SUV. The moment his eyes caught sight of me I knew the night was heading toward a different ending.

  He stood at the bottom of the steps that led to the porch, his hands on his hips, his arms akimbo. “I told you I never wanted that trash in my house again.”

  His voice was raw. The man had always been a moron, but booze turned him into a first-class jackass.

  “It’s a good thing it’s not your house anymore then.” Miranda managed to sound in control but her fists closed tightly. “My father built it and it’ll go to Josh after me. Anyway, I’d like you to leave now. It’s late.”

  “Don’t you dare order me around, woman.”

  That was it. I wouldn’t let the man push Miranda around.

  I stepped around her and looked down at him from the top of the porch.

  “Mr. MacBride, please leave.” Having to say ‘please’ to him grated the inside of my throat, but after Miranda’s talk about letting the past go… well, MacBride was the part of my past I was more than happy to let go of.

  “Just you shut up, you whore.”

  “Jack!”

  I held up my hand to keep Josh’s mother from coming forward and standing between her ex-husband-to-be and me.

  I wished Josh was there. He was big and he had a way with words. I’d learned a few tricks listening to him talk though. “Mr. MacBride, I believe Miranda’s name is on the deed for this house. If you don’t get off the premise right now, I’m afraid you’ll be trespassing and we’ll have to call the sheriff.”

  “Go ahead. I was just with Sheriff Cooper,” he answered with a smirk.

  “Jack MacBride, if you don’t get the hell out of here now, I’ll grab that rifle you keep hidden under the staircase and I’ll aim straight at your sorry ass.”

  My threat sounded real enough for him to take a step back. Good!

  “I’ll make you pay, you skank. You’re no more than your mother’s daughter.”

  Ouch! I’d used the word ‘skank’ so many times for Clarissa. It hurt to have it used against me.

  Miranda joined my side and pulled
me toward her. “Jack, Jeanine treated you badly back in high school, but it has nothing to do with Cassandra. I can’t believe you’re still not over it.” And I couldn’t believe MacBride hated me because my mother broke his heart at seventeen. Still, I heard the bitterness in Miranda’s voice and I was sad for her. She continued. “Please, it’s time to find some peace in our family. We’ll have our grandson back soon. Let’s try and make it good for him.”

  “Our grandson?” he puffed and I swear I saw some spit fly out of his mouth. “That boy isn’t my blood. He’s a bastard.”

  MacBride could use all the dirty names he wanted for me. I could deal with it because I despised the man. But when it came to Lucas, new rules. I tore myself away from Miranda and jumped down two steps. My eyes locked with his.

  “Don’t you dare speak like that about my son, MacBride.”

  “You threatening me?”

  “I sure am and if you don’t like it, you can shove it up your own ass.”

  “You don’t scare me.”

  My upper body tilted forward as if I were about to head-butt him. I wasn’t dumb enough to think I could win this fight though. “I’m gonna get that gun.”

  “You’re all talk.”

  “Watch me.” My anger made me sound lethal.

  MacBride’s bluster fizzled. He shrugged and stepped backwards. Relief seeped through me. One, I didn’t want to go to jail for murder. Two, his alkie breath smelled real foul.

  Without turning his back on me, he got back into the Escalade, his finger pointing in my direction. “This isn’t over. I won’t let you get away with it.”

  Couldn’t this man just let me be? I watched the spots of his backlights disappear at the turn of the road leading back to town.

  “I’m sorry you’re paying for your mother’s sin, darling. He loved her bad.” Miranda stood right behind me and her warmth took some of the anger away.

  “Love isn’t an excuse for hate.”

  “It sure isn’t.” I heard her let a sorrowful breath out. “It sure isn’t.”

  “When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. Even with Josh by my side, I couldn’t believe I’d be anything but a lame mom like my mother was. I still don’t know, I—”