Runaways

by Rachel Sawden

  “I can’t imagine how difficult it is for them, but you have to live your life for you. At some point, you’ll have to show them you can take care of yourself. And you can’t live in fear. Despite its faults, the world is a beautiful place.”

  And his words and my thoughts fought a battle in my consciousness. But with each word I said out loud, I lightened the load on my spirit.

  As I wiped away a rogue tear, he rested his hand on mine. Running the lightly callused pad of his index finger over my wrist he frowned. “I’ll be right back.”

  He rose from his seat with a glint in his eye and walked to the stall where I had bought my dress. With my eyes glued to him, I finished my lassi and rested my chin in my hand, studying the dips and curves of his long, lean body as his words rolled in my mind.

  With something balled, in his fist he returned to the table. “All travelers have a collection of bracelets. I noticed that you don’t have any, so I want to start yours.”

  He held out a bracelet strung with delicate beads of tiny violet stones. A silver charm hung from the middle. I smiled for a moment at the light dancing through the gems. Then I realized that a man who was not my fiancé was giving me a piece of jewelry.

  “I can’t accept this.”

  “It’s the Ohm symbol,” he said, ignoring my protest. “It’s a holy meditation symbol in Eastern religions and has many meanings, including representing the symbolic expressing of the creative spirit, and according to the shopkeeper, amethyst is a protective stone for travelers. I won’t be with you for your journey, so I want to make sure you’re safe.”

  Taking my hand, he placed the bracelet on my wrist. “Thank you,” I muttered.

  I brought my wrist closer to my face for a better look. Then I caught sight of my watch.

  “Oh my God, I have to go,” I said, scrambling to my feet. It was already past four. “I’m so sorry…I…I… have to call home.”

  “When can I see you again?” he asked as I grabbed my bag.

  I shimmied between my chair and the wall as quickly as I could. “The silent disco,” I called back before sprinting down the market.

  My feet couldn’t move fast enough as I weaved in and out of the throngs of vendors and shoppers to the Internet café near the threshold of the beach. After paying my deposit, I slid into the chair at the first computer and logged in.

  “Come on, you piece of crap,” I mumbled as the decades-old computer took an eternity to load.

  Finally, I logged into Skype, and a message popped up from Adam, piercing me through the heart: “Happy Anniversary.”

  Chapter 7

  Date: January 25, 2010

  The next morning, the girls and I rented mopeds and spent the morning driving past waterlogged rice paddies, secret beaches, and murky rivers, exploring the spice farms and beach town of Karwar just outside of Palolem. I tried to focus on my photography, but each image was blurry, poorly composed, over-exposed. I felt so guilty for ruining our anniversary. That Skype chat was the one thing I needed to remember to do. One thing! Sure, having my bag stolen distracted me from my timekeeping, but I shouldn’t have been there with Xavier in the first place. If only I could go back in time and tell him to keep his muscles, tattoos, and charms to himself and leave me alone. Even if it meant losing what was perhaps the most fun I’d had in months, perhaps years. I could only now prepare for the groveling apology I would have to give to him in our Skype chat that afternoon.

  ***

  Once we returned the mopeds, I told the girls I was going to hit up the Internet. They decided to join me. I didn’t want to tell them what was going on between Adam and me, or even Xavier and me, so I now needed to get through the Skype chat with keeping my emotions in check.

  We kicked our flip-flops off outside, and I welcomed the feeling of air-conditioning on my heating skin and cool tile against my bare feet. Taking computers with Lana across from me, and Jade next to her, I logged into Skype.

  “Hi.” A single word chilled me from across the world as the video kicked in.

  “I’m so sorry about yesterday.”

  “Where were you?”

  Telling the truth was the right thing to do, but was it the best? I had been debating all morning.

  “I…lost track of time taking photographs. I really am sorry, baby. If I could go back in time and change it, I would.”

  Xavier would be out of my life in two days. And then everything would be back to normal.

  “So your photographs are more important than me? Than us?” he said, pinching the space between his eyes.

  “No, of course not.” I hated that he thought that, but I understood how he did. “I’ve just been so focused on getting my photography career going —”

  “Harper, be real,” he cut me off before I could explain that if I could get it going, it would make leaving worth all of the stress I was putting him and my parents through. “You don’t stand a chance in this competition. You’re chasing a pipe dream and ruining us in the process.”

  The air shot from my lungs as his words slugged me in the gut. I barely recognized him. Adam had never been mean to me before.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I said, steadying my voice, “so don’t try and hurt me in return.”

  “I’m not. That’s how I really feel. I think you’re being a child with this stupid trip you’re doing.”

  Wow, say how you really feel.

  “Yeah, while the rest of us adults are facing up to the real world with jobs and responsibilities you’ve just run away from it all.”

  “I did not run away.” I struggled to keep my voice calm. I glanced up to the girls, and their eyes were glued to their screens, earphones on, none the wiser to what was going on over this side of the table.

  “Yes, you did. You ran away from life. You ran away from responsibility. You ran away from us.”

  “We were broken up.” My face blazed.

  “We had a fight.” His tone intensified with each word. “In any case, you could have stayed, but you were adamant on going.”

  “The ticket was non-refundable.”

  “It’s just money.” He was now yelling. “I got down on one knee and professed that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You should have stayed. You would have earned the money back eventually. Or is that all I’m worth?”

  I pressed my hands against my face to try and dam the tears. “That’s not fair.”

  “You know what’s not fair? I’m stuck here all alone while my fiancé is gallivanting across the world with her single friends.”

  As tears streamed down my face, I tried my best to maintain my composure and discretely wipe my tears away. I knew what he was insinuating. And as insulting as it was, it wasn’t unwarranted. But I loved him and wanted for us to work. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

  “The only reason I let you go without a fight was because I thought you would have given up and come home.”

  I blinked at the screen, staring at the man I thought I loved. The man I thought supported me. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  “Look, I gotta go,” he said, his voice was unnervingly calm and cool.

  “Adam, please let’s talk about —” before I could finish my sentence, the video screen disappeared. I tried to call him back. But before I could, his Skype ID flicked to offline.

  My mouth gaped as I tried to make sense of everything he had said. I felt a flood of tears swelling, and I had to get the hell out of there. Hoping to leave without the girls knowing, I sent them messages on Skype to meet them later. I didn’t want to ruin their day with my drama. As I stood I made eye contact with Lana.

  Shit.

  “Tequila?” she asked.

  “Tequila,” I replied.

  And that afternoon alternating between tequila, lassis, and fried pakoras I told the girls everything that happened with Xavier and Adam, from the coconut grove poetry to the bracelet in the market, Adam’s mean words, and my carelessness with the fe
elings of two guys who didn’t deserve it. I was scared Jade would judge me after her experience being on the receiving end of infidelity, but she was supportive and told me to meditate on it.

  “Honey, it’s okay to change your mind about Adam,” Lana said. “Marriage is a big deal that shouldn’t be rushed into.”

  “I made a promise to him,” I said, poking at the yogurt that had stuck to the edge of the glass with my straw, “what kind of person would I be if I didn’t keep it?

  She sighed and replied, “Human.”

  ***

  After a very unsatisfying night’s sleep, the sound of shuffling woke me from my dreamless slumber. Adam’s words kept me awake through the night as I tried to rationalize his feelings towards my choices as some very unwelcome and unhelpful thoughts of Xavier tried to enter the fray. To silence Adam, I played the silent disco in my head like a movie and practiced what I would say to Xavier: the girls and I would turn up and ensure Lana and Leo found each other, then, as he’s looking at me with those eyes and using his sexy double-entendres, I would fight his charms with nonchalance and then tell him to stay far, far away from me and find another girl. Then Jade and I would come home at a reasonable hour, leaving Lana with Leo (naturally I had reservations about this). Then, after waking up the next day with no regrets, we would fly north to Delhi where I would be two thousand kilometers away from this messiness and I would repress his memory in the deepest, darkest, dankest dungeon of my mind.

  As I heard the door open I peeked through my lashes to catch Jade leaving.

  “Morning,” I said.

  “Morning, I’m just heading to yoga. Wanna come?”

  I debated for a second and decided to use the morning to edit images. “Nama’stay in bed,” I replied with a wink.

  She laughed as the door closed behind her. I sat up and shook off the web of sleep, reached down, and pulled my computer from my daypack. I connected my camera and pressed transfer. Rolling out of bed I took a shower, hoping to wash away the tequila odour oozing from my pores. Then, soapy smelling but still hazy headed, I left the bathroom and saw that the transfer had been completed.

  That was quick, I thought.

  I disconnected the camera, wiped the memory card, and dressed for the day. Once dressed in my standard work attire — shorts and a tank top — I pulled the curtains back and opened the windows, welcoming the soft morning light and salty breeze. Flopping onto my stomach, I pressed a button to wake my computer from hibernation mode and opened the folder with my images.

  “The fuck?” I blurted out.

  I hit the refresh button. They had to be there.

  “Where are the files?”

  I frantically scrolled through the folder, hoping, praying, wishing. I grabbed my camera, turned it on, and pressed the playback button: No Images.

  No. No. Nonononononono!

  They were gone. Thousands of images. All gone.

  Stars danced in my vision as I closed the folder. The stars turned red when I looked at my desktop wallpaper. Adam’s smiling face. Mocking me. Telling me that he was right: I didn’t stand a shot at the competition. I didn’t stand a shot at my dreams.

  “No!” I screamed, punching the bed. I would not let him win.

  Grabbing my camera, I stormed from the room, locked the door, and tore through all of Palolem filling my memory card with images for as long as the sunlight lasted.

  ***

  As Lana blew out the candles on her slice of birthday cake, I slugged back wine to calm my nerves and to forget that I had erased all of my work. I had beaten myself up all day, but stopped when I realized that it wasn’t going to change anything. It was simple human error. Though I took hundreds of new images, I mourned the loss of the amazing images I could never recreate. The images of Mumbai, Karwar, and the other beaches, Anjuna, and Arambol. There were no damn blurred monkeys and no papers full of beautiful words that bled red ink littering a coconut grove. A coconut grove home to a dangerous inhabitant I was going to see soon enough. For the last time. Ever. Thank God.

  Eager to get our appearance at the silent disco over with, I asked for the check and tried to shuffle the girls into action.

  “I don’t think I can make it out,” Jade said putting her rupees on the table. “That curry from lunch keeps coming back for revenge.”

  “Oh no,” Lana pouted and pulled a packet of Alka-Seltzer from her purse. It was quite the must-have for India. “Okay, Harper, let’s go?” She looked at me with huge saucer eyes.

  I wanted to head home with Jade, but I couldn’t ruin Lana’s birthday. Maybe I could talk Lana out of it. Who needs birthday sex when you could spend it with your two best girlfriends between bathroom breaks?

  I’m being ridiculous.

  I was perfectly capable of acting like a normal human being who could control herself.

  “Okay, but bring him back here to your hut,” I said folding my arms. My new plan was to get them together, fend Xavier off until she wanted to leave, walk back with them, get into bed in my own hut, and wake up with no regrets tomorrow. “Please don’t go off with him and leave me by myself.”

  With a nod, it was decided. On shaky legs, I followed her down the beach with the hope that my revised plan would not be edited any further.

  Chapter 8

  Lana and I followed the map doodled on the flyer down the beach, over fishing boats and through hidden coves being consumed by the rising tide until pulsating music pulled us to a large sign that read, “Silent Noise.”

  With my heart drumming in time to the music, I handed over my rupees for entry and headphone rental before we were directed into the crowded open-air disco. To our left stood a huge stage with three DJ booths side by side. Each booth was lit up with a different colour: red, blue, and green. On each headset a button toggled between the DJs. On the right stood a thatched-roof gazebo thirty feet in diameter, decorated with white fairy lights and held a circular bar in the center.

  “Shots?” she asked.

  I forced a smile, and a watery sensation rippled through my arms and legs. We pushed through the sweaty pack of partiers and made our way to the bar. Leo was moving about behind it, taking orders and making drinks. Lana stood patiently, and when his face broke into an unrestrained smile, I knew he had spotted her. She gave him a subtle single eyebrow raise, signature Lana, and I envied her sexual confidence. She always seemed to know what she wanted and made no apologies for it.

  “Welcome to Silent Noise, ladies,” he shouted over the din of the thirsty crowd. “What can I do you for?”

  “Hey, Leo,” Lana purred as she leaned over the bar, putting her ample cleavage on display. “Can we get a round of tequila shots and two screwdrivers?”

  Sex hung in the air as they looked at each other like animals in heat.

  “It’s her birthday,” I blurted out, uncomfortable with my unwilling voyeur status.

  He broke eye contact and began making the drinks. “Well, these are on the house, birthday girl. I’ll have to give you a kiss when I finish work.”

  Lana’s fair cheeks flushed red. “It must be hard…having to work and watch everyone having fun.”

  Back in my creepy voyeur position, I watched Leo’s gaze darken. “Well, good news — I won a bet with my boss so I get to finish work early tonight.”

  Lana’s eyes lit up. “Come find me when you…get off.” Lana giggled. “Get off work, that is.”

  God, this girl should write a book on seduction.

  He winked at her and pushed the drinks across the bar. Turning his gaze to me he said, “The opening acts are starting. Don’t miss them.”

  Then we knocked back the tequila and made our way through the crowd, drinks in hand, finding a spot behind the dance floor with a clear view of the stage. It wasn’t time to wear the headphones yet, so I hooked mine over my forearm.

  “I wonder where Xavier is,” I said, looking around and smoothing my dress. The anticipation of getting the initial greeting over with was killing me.


  Lana tapped me on the arm and replied, “He’s walking onto the stage.”

  My head whipped around. Illuminated by the spotlight, he walked across the stage with a guitar in his grip. Taking a seat on a stool behind a microphone, he plugged a cord into the instrument.

  “Bon soir, good evening and namaste, Silent Noise.” His voice thundered through the speakers, and then he began strumming a familiar tune.

  As he sang his first words, I had to lean on something. Goosebumps blazed across my skin like wildfire as he sang a stripped-down arrangement of the Kings of Leon hit, “Sex on Fire”.

  And I thought the original was steamy enough. Boy, was I wrong. His voice rasped softly like lovers’ pillow talk. Entranced by his raw emotion, I could barely breathe, feeling, fantasizing that he was singing for me. But, I mean, of course he wasn’t. Which was something I shouldn’t have been thinking in the first place. I chugged my drink relishing the cool liquid, even though the vodka burned my throat. God, Leo made his drinks strong. I couldn’t let Xavier’s haunting sex voice and intriguingly dexterous fingers distract me.

  Girls crowded in front of the stage and vied for his attention. Which was great, once I tell him that nothing can happen between us, there would be plenty of women for Xavier to choose from.

  As he belted out the last words, clearly a metaphor for orgasm (I mean, could he be more obvious?), the crowd cheered.

  “I know I’m into Leo,” Lana said, breaking the silence between us, “but I think I just came.”

  I nodded and forced a smile, ignoring the fact that I might have as well.

  He then sang a stripped-down arrangement of the Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody”, followed by Bob Marley’s “Stir it Up”, as I clutched my glass and rationed out my ice cubes. Once the next performer took over we went back to the bar, and decided to double-fist a pair of drinks to save us a trip back through the sea of sticky bodies. Back on the outskirts of the dance floor, as the booze of fog clouded my consciousness, his performance replayed in my mind. His soundtrack set to a montage of memories: his eyes, his smell, his fingers, the way his body felt when he held me, the way he looked at me, the way I felt when he looked at me.