1929

by M. L. Gardner

  “I know ye will,” she said, patting his cheek.

  Ava and Ian waited for them on the front steps of St. Brigid’s Church. Maura gave Ava a pat on the arm and a wink as she passed her. Jonathan and Ava followed, unsure of what to do once inside. The church was packed with only a few seats open in the pews toward the back. Maura found a small open space a few rows behind Claire and Aryl and asked people to make room for the four of them. Jonathan looked around nervously, having no idea what to expect. He had a clear view of Aryl’s face and could see the fatigue in it for the first time. Dark circles around his eyes and lines on his forehead that weren’t there a few months ago. His eyes weary as Claire put an arm around him and pulled his head down on her shoulder. He marveled at how Aryl had been holding the hope for the entire group for all this time. He had been looking for a way out since the first day and had been doing it alone. Always looking for an opportunity and, more importantly, believing he would fine one. He had just as much determination to escape this life as Jonathan had guilt for putting them in it. He admired Aryl now more than any one other man he knew. And Jonathan knew that if it weren’t for him, he would not be sitting here now.

  Jonathan was broken from his fixation on Aryl as there was a collective shuffling and everyone rose. Jonathan rose with them, although he didn’t know why he was doing so, and noticed the sharp smell of the incense as the priest made his way down the center aisle. He caught sight of Caleb, a few rows up and to the right, and his eyes stayed on him as everyone sat.

  Caleb sat with his arm around Arianna and she leaned in close, whispering to him. She turned suddenly toward Jonathan, as if feeling his eyes on them, and smiled. Aryl’s right, he thought. Caleb turned, gave him a hearty grin and waved, and Jonathan, like Aryl, couldn’t remember a time when he had seen Caleb so happy. He didn’t even look tired. Instead, he looked like a boy in line for a ride at a carnival. But that’s Caleb, he thought with affection.

  When everyone stood again, Jonathan’s eyes were pulled from Caleb and Arianna. He looked down at Ava and felt overwhelming guilt swallow him whole; guilt for almost leaving her, almost abandoning her to fend for herself in this world, for asking Aryl and Caleb to look after her in his place. Only six short hours had passed since he sat in the bathtub, certain of his choice. But now, as he sat in this beautiful cathedral, he was astounded that he could have ever considered it. He had almost left her. He let her believe he cared for another more than her. He let her cry, feel scared and alone when his own pain paralyzed him. He looked around unsure as everyone moved to kneel in front of each pew. He did as the others did and bent his head in prayer. He didn’t know who or what he was apologizing to for almost taking his own life, but he did so sincerely. And while he possessed only a shred of faith that was engulfed by doubt, he asked for strength and promised in return to wake up every morning and try.

  Simply try.

  ∞∞∞

  When they returned home, it was after two-thirty in the morning. Jonathan was reminded of what he had almost done when he walked into his apartment and saw the broken chair scattered about the living room. He looked at the splintered wood for a moment and then turned back toward the door.

  “I’ll be right back. I have to, ah...do something,” he told Ava awkwardly.

  ∞∞∞

  “Aryl, wait!” he called. Aryl poked his head out.

  “What?”

  “I, uh, just wanted to say thanks. For earlier, you know.” He shifted uncomfortably and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I also want you to know that I’m going to start pulling my weight. You and Caleb have carried it for too long. I never meant to be a burden, I just-” He shrugged, lacking the words to explain himself.

  “You weren’t a burden, Jon. You would have done it for me.”

  “I would,” he said, staring at Aryl’s shoes.

  “How’s it with Ava?” Aryl asked with concern.

  “Well.” He rubbed the back of his neck and grimaced. “Not great. But I’m gonna work on that,” he said.

  “That’s good to hear. You do that,” Aryl said and smiled.

  “Listen, one more thing, can I get my razor back? I’m gonna look like a lumberjack by tomorrow,” he smirked with bloodshot eyes, rubbing his stubble.

  “Not just yet. Besides, the rugged look suits you. I was thinkin’ about trying it myself,” he said, grinned and stepped back into his door. “Night, Jon.”

  “Night.”

  ∞∞∞

  When he returned, Ava was walking out of the bedroom with the Christmas card he had left on her pillow. She looked at him, her expression mingled confusion and hopefulness.

  “Thank you for the card,” she said a little too quickly as he closed the door.

  “You’re welcome,” he said and taking a deep breath, still standing by the door, grateful that his goodbye note had become the proverbial icebreaker. “I mean it. I really do.” His eyes were sincere and Ava felt overwhelming gratitude to Maura for whatever it was she said or did to make Jonathan soften toward her.

  “I love you, too,” she said quietly, looking down at the card in her hands. “More than anything.”

  “I know tomorrow we’re supposed to go to Aryl’s, but after that I really want to talk to you. I feel like I’m going to drop I’m so tired, or I would talk to you tonight,” he said apologetically.

  “No, it’s okay. I’m tired, too. We’ll talk tomorrow.” She turned to the room, read over the card once more, and put it in her small, wooden box of precious things before changing for bed.

  ∞∞∞

  “I think everyone knows why we’re here,” Aryl started. “And actually, I’ll be amazed if everyone doesn’t already know,” he said, unsure that his friends were able to keep the secret. “I’ve told Jon and Caleb, they’ve been helping me work out the details.”

  “I told Arianna last week,” Caleb confessed. “I didn’t want her to worry about the baby coming home to this place.”

  “That’s understandable,” Aryl said. “I have to admit, I told Claire last week as well,” Aryl added and turned to Jonathan for his confession. Ava looked around in disbelief.

  “Am I always the last one to know anything around here!” she cried, frustrated.

  “Jon, why don’t you tell her?” Aryl suggested with a grin.

  “Well, I have to give Aryl the credit. He found this and worked out the initial details. I just found out last night, actually. We’re moving,” he said bluntly. “We’re all going in on a small building, a little better than this one, but, with a lot of hard work, it’ll be a lot better than this one.”

  Ava’s eyes lit up. “Really? How? When?”

  Jonathan smiled at her excitement. “Yes. We’re signing a private agreement with the owner, and we move in on March first. We plan on taking the profit, adding it to everything we can manage to save, and do that repeatedly until we don’t have to work at the yard anymore and can manage buildings full-time. It’ll take a long time, but we might be able to one day have our own house again.”

  Ava stared at him speechless, not so much at his words but at the genuine smile that touched his eyes, and the spark of life that had returned to those eyes. She laughed a hard laugh and threw her arms around him. She pressed her face into his neck, fighting tears that had nothing to do with the building. Grateful to be close to him again, smell his familiar scent, see life in his eyes, and feel his arms tight around her, the building didn’t matter. This was her home.

  Jonathan kept his head low to her shoulder, his eyes closed. Aryl watched them for a moment, turned to Caleb and they both exchanged a look of relief. Jonathan didn’t let go of her as Aryl started talking again.

  “I thought we could eat first. Claire is warming up the leftovers that Maura sent last night, and then we could take a walk and go see the place,” he offered.

  “Sounds good,” Jonathan said and pulled away but kept one arm around Ava’s shoulders, needing her close.

  Arianna followed Clai
re to the kitchen while Caleb and Aryl talked of improvements, repairs, and ideas for the new place. Jonathan distantly overheard their discussion – ‘white paint’ - ‘flower boxes’ - ‘brickwork to the stoop’ - words that slipped in between his thoughts that all revolved around Ava.

  Claire called everyone to dinner, and they gathered around the table. The mood by far the most jovial it had ever been at one of their gatherings. Ava sat as close as possible to Jonathan, who sat on her right side so he could keep an arm around her and eat with his right hand.

  “There’s good news, good news and bad news,” Caleb announced as they started passing food around the table. “What’ll it be?”

  “Good!” everyone said in unison.

  “All right. The first good news is that I have that last bottle of wine I promised for Christmas dinner,” he said as he put it on the table.

  “What’s the second good news?” Jonathan asked.

  “Arianna isn’t drinking, so there’s more for us,” Caleb said, grinning and Aryl cheered as he poured everyone a glass.

  “Very funny, now what’s the bad news?” Arianna asked.

  “Well, since we haven’t done an actual cash count, we need to do that tonight. But I know that we have spent a lot of what little cash we brought here. Regardless, we have to save. And I mean save like mad. We need to take our expenses down to only what’s necessary to stay alive,” Caleb said as he glanced toward a very uncomfortable looking Arianna. “We need to save well over the down payment. We need money for repairs and renovations and furniture. We have two months to make this happen. And I really think we can do it if we try.”

  “I do, too,” Aryl added. “It’ll be hard, but it’s only two months. And however miserable it is, it’ll feel great to leave this place and move into our own.”

  “Truer words were never spoken,” Jonathan said, raising his glass and tapping it to Aryl’s.

  “Oh, I almost forgot!” Claire jumped up to tune the radio to carols. “It is Christmas, after all.”

  ∞∞∞

  “Here it is,” Aryl announced. The others stood looking slightly surprised at the old brick building. It was considerably better than anyone expected. At least they could see the potential in it. Aryl pulled a ring of keys from of his pocket.

  “The owner lent me these, so I could show everyone today,” he said, holding open the door as they filed in. The first vacant apartment they looked at was a two bedroom and was in the best shape of all the units. “We discussed it, and we think Caleb and Arianna should take this one.”

  There was a living room only marginally larger than their current place, a kitchen with a small nook for a dining table and a bathroom in between the two bedrooms. The fireplace was in better condition. Although the walls were filthy, there were very few holes to repair. Caleb took Arianna’s hand and led her into the smaller bedroom.

  “We can put a cradle here and a rocking chair there,” he said. She glanced around the room trying to see what Caleb was seeing. “We’ll make it really nice, Ahna. Claire can paint all of the walls and even the ceiling. And I’ve already written my mother. I’ve asked her to send the cradle she used for me when I was born.”

  “That’ll be really nice, Caleb. It’ll brighten the room up so much,” she said, looking around. They looked at every vacant apartment after that, and Caleb took more notes on repairs needed.

  “Which one do you think we should take?” Jonathan asked Ava during a brief moment alone.

  “I’m not sure. Maybe the one next door to Arianna?” she suggested.

  “Why that one? It’s in bad shape.”

  “I know. We can fix it up, and that way I’ll be close to help her when she has the baby.”

  “That’s really thoughtful. I guess we can always take one of the larger units later,” he said and smiled.

  “Well, we don’t need two bedrooms,” she said flatly.

  “Not yet,” he said, taking her hand and leading her downstairs to look at the apartment next to Arianna’s again.

  Claire had chosen the apartment across from Arianna and each couple spent some time in their future home, taking notes and making plans for improvements.

  ∞∞∞

  It was nearly dark when they began walking home; they were happy, chattering and joking as they walked through the frozen snow. Along the way, Aryl and Caleb started pitching snowballs at each other, and Claire and Arianna quickly crossed the street for safe territory. Aryl jogged ahead to hide behind a garbage can and made more snowballs. He jumped out and threw one as hard as he could toward Caleb, who ducked, and the snowball hit Jonathan square in the face. Caleb laughed hard and Aryl waited for Jonathan’s reaction. Jonathan wiped snow from his eyes, shook his head, looked up at Aryl menacingly and warned Ava.

  “You might want to join the girls across the street.” It was each man for himself as they hurled snowballs through the air at each other and burst into laughter when they hit their targets. Caleb and Jonathan teamed up and launched a barrage of snowballs at Aryl, who went scrambling down the street, looking for cover. Claire, Ava and Arianna stood across the street, watching them take turns ganging up on each other and shook their heads.

  “They never did fully grow up, did they?” Arianna asked.

  “Nope,” Claire answered.

  ∞∞∞

  “You should get in a hot bath,” Ava told Jonathan as she helped him out of his coat, which was dripping from the snowball fight.

  “No. I want to talk to you. But I will change clothes,” he said, shivering. She went to put tea water on while he changed clothes and leaned on the sink, wondering what he wanted to talk to her about specifically. She had been so happy to see him with life and hope in his eyes and to be close to him that she forgot about the details of their fight; forgot about Elyse, forgot about how defensive he was of her, forgot how he never really denied still loving her. She forgot that he never did explain what was said between them on that trip he took alone, when he was supposed to have ended the relationship much earlier. She started growing anxious and angry as she recalled all the things that remained unresolved. He saw the uneasy look on her face as he came into the kitchen.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked cautiously. She looked away, turning toward the stove.

  “I was just thinking,” she said.

  “About what?”

  “The last few weeks.”

  “That explains the troubled look,” he said, stepping behind her and putting a tentative hand on her waist. “I hope looking at the building today and knowing that it’s just a matter of time before we’re out of here helped a little. I know it’s just a small step, but it’s a step toward getting our life back. A small piece of it, anyway.” She turned around, slightly irritated.

  “It has nothing to do with this building or that building. I was thinking about the last few weeks with you,” she said, looking up at him.

  “Oh,” he said, suddenly scared that he misinterpreted her body language, that maybe she was putting on an act for the sake of the others and was still planning on going to Maura’s. “Well, that’s part of what I wanted to talk about,” he said. She poured two steaming cups of tea and handed him his, then walked around him to the living room and sat on the couch. He sat beside her and took a deep breath. “I know I’ve been . . . out of sorts. I’ve had a really hard time with everything that happened. Losing everything and all–”

  “But you didn’t lose everything, Jon,” she said quietly, not looking up at him.

  “I know that now. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it,” he said, taking one of her hands. “Aryl and Maura have really helped me . . . .” He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. “Before I go into all that, I know you have a lot of questions you want answered. Things I couldn’t explain before but I’m ready to explain now.” She sat back and thought about what she wanted to know most of all.

  “Do you still love her?” she asked, not looking up at him.

  “No. I d
on’t,” he said with conviction. “I didn’t really ever. It’s complicated,” he said with a sigh.

  “Then why were you so upset when I called her a . . . .” She couldn’t bear for him to be defensive of Elyse again, so she left it at that.

  “I probably better just start at the beginning and tell you the whole story. It’ll make more sense that way, all right?” She nodded, slightly apprehensive about hearing every detail about this woman. “It started at one of my client’s parties three years before I met you. She was new to the business of entertaining and stayed in the background a lot, not mingling and flirting like the others. When I was returning from the restroom that evening, I overheard someone scolding her for not being friendlier with the guests. I saw her standing at the bar, looking very uncomfortable, so I went over and started talking to her about pointless things just so it looked like she was being sociable.

  “Later that evening, I did take her back to my room, but we just continued to talk. She told me about her family and that her lifestyle was a last resort. Her parents were old and broken and barely keeping a roof over their heads. She had managed to get through her first four parties without having to, you know, personally entertain anyone. For the remainder of the trip, she stayed near me at all the gatherings, and the other men left her alone. She was really grateful for that.”

  “Forgive me if I don’t pat you on the back for your kindness,” Ava said snidely. Jonathan let the comment slide and continued with his story.

  “Nothing happened on that trip. But before I left, I did visit the brothel and spoke with the owner. I made it appear as if I wanted to reserve Elyse for my visits only and offered compensation. They accepted the arrangement, and she was really appreciative.”