by Iona Rose
And I shouldn’t have. I told myself that there was no need to be so overtaken with despair, but as I thought of the baby growing innocently inside of me, I couldn’t hold back anymore.
Tears poured from my eyes… and my throat closed up until I had to run to the bathroom to keep from waking up the entire cabin. In there, I crumbled onto the seat, and refused to come out. Not until I could get myself in order, but as I stared at my sunken eyes, I wondered if this was the ‘after’ that people spoke about.
The defining moments that split your life into two. The desirable before‒ and the tragic, never able to recover from‒after.
A loud, impatient knock sounded on the door again, the perhaps hundredth in the last hour but this time I didn’t respond with a vicious, “I’m not fucking done.”
Because this time around, I truly was.
I rinsed my face, straightened my clothes, and returned to my seat.
The pain began just as I landed back in Indianapolis.
As I got into the taxi, the pressure in my pelvis seemed to compound, forcing me to wrap my hands around my stomach.
At first, it was manageable, my mind unable to focus too much on the pangs that were hitting me at increasingly frequent intervals, but then just before I arrived home, one came along and it was as though someone had kicked me squarely in the gut.
I doubled over, to the driver’s alarm, and could barely meet his gaze in the rearview mirror.
“Are you alright ma’am?” He asked, concerned, and I managed to respond with a wave, that I would be okay.
The episode of pain lessened enough for me to get into the house. I limped to my bedroom, and immediately went to bed.
Chapter 37
Carter
I returned to the apartment at a little past midnight, to meet it in disarray, yet again.
The pillows that were once arranged on the couch were now littered all over the floor, and on the heavy glass coffee table, were empty bags and wrappers of what seemed to be every snack known to man. His clothes were on the ground, and I could see that the refrigerator’s door had been left wide open.
For his sake, and especially given the day that I’d had, I prayed to God he was behind it.
I waited, my briefcase in hand until he emerged from behind the tall steel door with a bowl of cereal in hand.
He slurped a spoonful into his mouth, most of the milk making its way back into the bowl as he shut the door. At first, he was a bit startled to see me, but then he quickly recovered, a wide smile stretching across his face. “You’re back,” he said. “It’s already past midnight. I thought you’d be staying over at the office again. Oh, and before I forget, we’ve run out of berries. All of them. I like to have them with the cereal, but now the fridge is empty. Perhaps you could remind your cleaning lady to get some the next time she delivers groceries to you.”
I ignored him and continued on my way towards the bedroom on the top floor. I had just gotten in and was taking off my clothes when he appeared at the door, his bowl in hand.
“Can’t you eat properly?” I asked, at the irritating slurping sounds that repeatedly struck the silence of the room.
“Hey!” He shot back. “Enough with the derogatory comments, okay? I had a tough day too. Also some woman came by and acted all crazy. It even pissed Natalia off… made her assume that I was cheating on her or something.”
“You brought Natalia here again? Aren’t you supposed to be focused on finding a job?”
“Carter, I don't ask you for anything besides the roof over my head right now, and you’re barely even here. Is that still too much for you to spare? Me not having to think about that while I’m trying to get my shit together, isn't that something you could do for me without the verbal abuse?”
I didn't have the energy to deal with his complaints, so I continued stripping, unable to wait for a much needed shower.
“The woman…” he went on. “Do you know her?”
“What woman?” I groaned.
“Curly red hair, kinda short, crazy eyes.” He shrugged. “She told me to never call her again when she saw me kissing Natalia in front of the door, and up till now I’m still wondering what the fuck she was talking about.”
Something instantly clicked in my head at his description, and I spun around to face him. “What? Leah came by?”
“Leah? Is that her name?”
My heart suddenly dropped into my stomach. I grabbed my phone from the pile of clothes on the bed and immediately dialed the front desk.
“Simon, were any new guests under my name admitted into the building tonight?”
“I’ll check that, sir,” he said. “Just a moment.”
I waited, my foot tapping anxiously against the plush carpet.
Soon enough, he returned with a response, “Yes, sir. A Miss Natalia Pool, and a Miss Leah Peters. They’re amongst your list of approved guests, so I admitted them up to your floor.”
I shut my eyes, as the misfortune that had just befallen me became apparent. “Thank you, Simon.” I ended the call, and immediately dialed Leah’s number. “Tell me what happened,” I said to Andrew. “Don’t leave any single detail out.”
“Well, nothing beyond what I’ve already said. She had luggage in hand, and looked like she was coming towards your door, but then she saw me and Natalia standing by it and stopped. She just glared at me, as if shocked and then she turned to hurry away. She couldn’t have gotten out of here fast enough, but she fell as she was running away. And she got right back up. Was she insane, or something? I still can’t figure it out.”
“Fucking pick up!” I yelled into the phone when it disconnected again.
My actions startled Andrew. “Dude, are you okay?” He asked.
I turned to him, my chest burning with so much rage. “That was my fucking girlfriend,” I said. “She fucking thought you were me, and that I was probably cheating on her or something.”
He stilled, as he tried to take in the information, while I dialed her number again.
“Oh…” he said. “Oh! That was why she ran away? But that’s hella dumb. She doesn’t know that you have a twin? An identical one for that matter?”
I didn’t bother responding, as I switched gears and began to dial Meredith’s number.
“Ah,” he said. “It makes sense now. She actually thought that I was you. How did I not come up though? You don’t talk about your family at all?”
With a shove to his shoulder, I pushed him out of my way as the line connected. “Meredith, sorry for calling so late, but can you get me on the next flight to Indianapolis? Any of them.”
“Sure. I’ll get on it, sir.”
I ended the call and began to dial Tracy, but then I stopped myself, completely exhausted from the day and from constantly chasing after Leah.
Sure, it had been a misunderstanding, but why had her first response, just like always, been to run? To run without giving me a chance? I understood how badly the situation must have seemed to her, but did she have absolutely no faith whatsoever in me? After what we had come to mean to each other?
I returned my gaze to the phone, and dialed Meredith again. “Meredith, there’s no need to look for the flight any longer. I’m sorry for the hassle.”
“Oh. It’s all right, sir. Are we still on schedule for tomorrow?”
I paused for a moment, my stomach churning with anxiety at the decision I was about to make. I took a deep breath and replied. “9 am with Chicago. Yes, we are.”
“Very well, sir, goodnight.”
I ended the call, and when I turned around, saw that Andrew had left. I headed straight to the bathroom.
The moment the warm shower cascaded down on me, and began to soothe the exhaustion from the day away, I could feel my stress and annoyance begin to dissipate. I knew deep down that I would be too conflicted to stay away from her for too long, so my only hope was that she would buckle, and show me that I was important enough for her to give me the benefit of the doubt.
But the fear lurked, that perhaps I was being too careless, and that what she had seen, compounded with my silence would push her too far away for me to reach.
Either way, I refused to give in, at least for tonight.
I would at least give myself the night to feel disappointed.
It had never been more difficult to fall asleep.
I tossed and turned, trying to find the peace of heart to get some iota of rest, but the pit of my stomach simmered with turmoil. Despite my annoyance at her hasty conclusion, what I really wanted, rather than keeping my distance from her, was to confront her about it. To pour out my annoyance, and then to have us make up afterwards. This distance was chipping away at my soul, and solving nothing.
Frustrated, I got up from bed and stepped out onto the balcony of my bedroom.
The feel of autumn was in the air, with its crisp chill. It truly was the time that signaled death and impermanence, and the very thought turned me into a spineless bastard. I picked up my phone and texted Tracy. ‘Has she returned? How is she?’
It was now almost four am in the morning, and at the hectic day that loomed before me, I wondered how I was going to face it with such a lack of energy. With the resolve to chase sleep down, I turned around to head back into the bedroom and just as I did, my phone began to ring.
It was an odd time for a call, but when I looked down and saw that it was Tracy, my heart skipped a beat. “Hello?”
“Carter, good morning.” she said politely. “What do you mean by ‘has she returned?’ Isn’t Leah with you?”
My sigh was heavy. She hadn't yet told her friends about what had happened. It was either that, or she hadn't yet arrived back home in Indianapolis. The latter possibility immensely disturbed me. “No, she isn't,” I replied. “There was a misunderstanding, and she left before I could get to her.”
“Dear Lord,” she muttered under her breath. “Is she okay though? I mean… is everything okay between you two?”
I took a seat on the bed. “That’s why I texted you. Please check up on her for me.”
“She’s not answering your calls?”
“She isn’t,” I replied.
“Alright,” she said.
“Thank you, Tracy.”
* * *
Leah
I gripped the edges of the bed, as the doctor walked in with a nurse behind her… a thin woman with severe bangs, and red rimmed glasses. Behind the lens, I tried to see what I could from her hazel eyes as she went through my chart in her hands.
“Miss Peters…” she began.
I felt my soul begin to leave my body. “Did I lose the baby?” My voice quivered.
It was only at her long silence that I realized my eyes were clenched shut. I reopened them, and met her gaze.
“Calm down,” she said. “You did not. Your baby is fine. How do you feel?”
My gasp for air was soundless but no less painful as my eyes blurred with tears of relief. I patted my stomach in consolation.
“How do you feel,” she repeated.
All I could do was nod in response.
She went on, “We still have to figure out why you’re bleeding so much, and the source of the abdominal pain. Your ultrasound wasn’t as conclusive as I’d hoped, so I’m going to schedule you for a Hysteroscopy.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a procedure that’s going to allow me to look inside your uterus, so that I can diagnose the source of your bleeding.”
I nodded to her in complete submission. “W-when will it begin?” I stuttered. “C-can I call someone beforehand?”
“Sure,” she said. “I’ll schedule you down for the test later in the morning. Try to get some rest before then.”
“Thank you,” I said. I immediately found my phone, and called Tracy. I couldn't do this alone. The worst seemed to have passed, but from now onwards, I just could not deal with all of this on my own. Just then, my phone began to ring, and seeing that she was the caller, relief washed over me.”
“Hey,” she said. “I know it’s early but I just thought to check on you. How are things going with Carter?”
At the mention of his name, and at her care, just when I was about to reach out to her, my throat constricted again. I couldn’t hold myself back as the sobbing began again, and it didn't stop until she arrived.
When she did, I told her all that had happened with Carter.
She sat in silence on the edge of the bed.
Chapter 38
Carter
I was in the middle of my scheduled meeting with Chicago, when I received Tracy’s text message.
‘You can call now.’
I immediately got up and excused myself, to the surprise of the other executives seated.
After finally giving up on sleeping, at the crack of dawn, I had tried contacting Tracy again, concerned at the lack of updates.
At first, my multiple dials had gone through, and then, the line had become completely unreachable. I had been out of balance ever since.
“Hey,” I breathed out anxiously into the receiver. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
“Everything is not okay,” she sniped. “You told me that there was a misunderstanding. What is to fucking misunderstand when she saw you with another woman? What is wrong with you Carter?” She cried. “Don't you care about her? She finally opens up to you, lets you into her heart and then you go and do this? Do you freaking know that she’s pregnant, and because of you she almost fucking lost the baby. She’s in the hospital right now, alone, and terrified because of this damn mess that you’ve put her in—”
“What did you just say?” I asked, but she couldn't hear me over her enraged shouting. “Tracy!” I roared into the phone, and it instantly shocked her silent. I sensed a quiet also settle over the office floor I was on, as no doubt the employees were startled out of their minds at my sudden explosion. “What did you just say?” I asked. “She’s pregnant? She’s in the hospital?”
She finally calmed down enough to respond to me, “Yes,” she replied, “And I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“What hospital?” I asked.
“She doesn’t want anything to do with you Carter. Just… just stay away for a little while. When things settle, you both can come together and decide what’s best for—”
“Tracy,” I said through gritted teeth. “I wasn’t the one that Leah saw at the door. That was my twin brother, Andrew. She mistook me for him. Do you fucking hear me?” My voice shook.
She went silent.
“Where’s the hospital?” I asked again.
“I’ll send you the address,” she said quietly.
I ended the call.
* * *
Leah
I was served a late breakfast after my return from the hysteroscopy test.
Seated upright on my bed, I regarded the meal of eggs and toast, and didn’t feel too keen on consuming any of it. But I was thoroughly aware, now more than ever of how much it was needed, especially by my baby. So I began to eat.
I turned to glance through the barely covered glass wall of my room and saw Tracy with her phone to her ear as she paced the corridor over and over. When she was done, I watched her go still, her eyes lowered to the ground and it made me feel so incredibly guilty. I had forced her here at such an early time, and she had also chosen to take the day off from work.
She turned then, so I put my bowl of fruit down so I could tell her to carry on with the rest of the day, without the concern over my welfare. The look on her face though the moment she returned to the room struck me with alarm. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
For the longest time, she stared at me, and then she released a deep breath.
“Tracy,” I called.
She pulled a chair to my side, and took her seat.
“Stop it. You’re scaring me.”
“Don’t be,” she said. ‘There’s nothing wrong... kind of.”
I let out a deep breath. �
�I’ve already had more than enough surprises to deal with for the month. I don’t need anymore.”
She stared into my eyes, and I saw that her lips trembled slightly. “I called Carter,” she said.
My face fell. “What?”
“You were wrong, Leah.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Why would you do that? Did you tell him?”
She was unmoved by my annoyance. “He’s not the one you saw at his door,” she said, her voice hard. “That was his twin brother, Andrew. You mistook him for Carter.”
I froze, the announcement jarring me into a stupor. “What?” I breathed.
“Carter’s on his way right now from Minnesota.”
My mouth fell open. “How could that—how could he have a twin?”
“He never mentioned it?” She asked.
I thought hard. “He’s mentioned having a brother, but they’re estranged because of the split between his parents. They’ve been out of touch for…” The shock came once again, and hit me with the force of a boulder. “He has a twin?” My voice shook.
She nodded.
I buried my face in my hands.
Hours later, my hands were still wringing until I was sure I was going to peel the skin off my bones.
Tracy had refused to go home, choosing to stay with me until he at least arrived.
He would be furious, the cold accusing gaze that he would rightly have for me already vivid in my mind’s eye. It terrified me, but what I prayed for once again was his mercy.
Why was it so easy for me to dismiss him? Despite all he had been to me so far, and how much he had showed me just how much I meant to him.
“Was I completely wrong?” I asked, only vaguely aware that Tracy was still in the room as I stared restlessly at the door.
She held my hand. “Anyone else would also have been shocked, and hurt,” she consoled me.
“My fault,” I told her. “I should have had more faith in him. Allowed him to explain himself. He knows as well as I do, that the situation would have been resolved there and then if I had even as much as called his name. His brother would have known that I was referring to the wrong person. Things would have been sorted out. But instead I ran… like I have… over and over again, when it comes to him. And he knows that. And he is going to be furious.”