Playing with Fire_Shen

by Shen, L. J.

  Yes. That was what happened.

  I clutched onto my boyfriend extra tight that night.

  Loving him with every piece of my heart … and a little bit more.

  Grace

  “Professor McGraw wants you in her office. Pronto.”

  Lauren, AKA Blanche, greeted me by my pickup truck first thing in the morning. Her voice was hoarse, like she’d spent the entire month going through seventeen packs of cigarettes a day; she swathed a scarf over her neck, even though the concrete hissed and sizzled with heat beneath our feet. I wobbled out of my Chevy, making my way straight to Professor McGraw’s office, thinking, Oh boy, that can’t be good.

  McGraw was waiting for me, her hands folded over her desk.

  “You want redemption, Grace Shaw. To be a phoenix. Everything about you screams it—your bag, your flame ring, your tragedy. You carry yourself in the hallways, taking as little space as possible, waiting for the change to happen. But in order to turn into a phoenix—you have to fight for it. To take flight. Well, it’s your lucky day.”

  I darted an eyebrow up, curious. She was bang on about everything, but I hadn’t realized people were paying attention to me at school at all.

  It was only recently that I’d stopped feeling like a timid bird.

  “Poor Lauren has just been diagnosed with vocal cord nodules and is down for the count. We need a new Blanche, and you need a role to save your semester. I formally put down your name, and Mr. Finlay is in full agreement you should take the part.”

  I opened my mouth, but she rushed in before I could add anything, shaking her head.

  “As you probably know, Tess Davis has been pursuing the role actively. She is extremely disciplined, but I think, seeing as she’s been vying for this role for so long, if I give it to her, students might think they can bully their way into getting things around here, and I just won’t have that. The premiere is in less than a month. Please don’t tell me you’re unprepared. You know these lines by heart—can recite them in your sleep. Cruz has been paying attention to you during rehearsals. He’s been having doubts about Lauren for a while now. As you may know, she struggled with the manuscript.”

  People had noticed me. The thought made something bloom in my chest.

  “I know the lines,” I said quietly, trying to process all of this as I sank into the chair in front of her.

  Blanche was the main role.

  The golden opportunity.

  The crux on the biscuit.

  I would get to salvage my semester. Probably ace it. Anything short of a full-blown disaster would do wonders for my grade. The thought of going onstage without my ball cap made me shudder … yet it didn’t make me cower.

  I’d done this before.

  Taken off my ball cap.

  Thanks to West.

  Dozens of times, actually.

  I could do this.

  The realization nearly knocked the wind out of me. I could do a fine job portraying Blanche. I’d read the play so many times, my brain bled out my favorite lines every time I fell asleep. In my dreams, the old me—the me without the scars—stood on that stage, playing alongside Marlon Brando.

  I was going to do this.

  I was going to save my year and overcome my stage fright.

  “Say something.” McGraw cocked her head, blinking at me. “I don’t like all this silence. Are you or are you not going to sub in for Miss McCarthy?”

  I pressed my lips together, biting down on a huge smile.

  “It would be my honor, Professor McGraw.”

  “Ah, finally!” Her red lips twisted in a motherly smile that put a thorn in my heart. “And so the phoenix rises!”

  An hour after my meeting with Professor McGraw, Cruz Finlay gathered the entire play’s cast in the rehearsal room at Lawrence Hall, making the official announcement. Lauren stood beside me, dissecting the threads of her scarf with a pout. Professor McGraw had assured me Lauren’s work thus far would go toward her overall semester score and that she would still pass, which was a relief. As much as I wanted this opportunity, I didn’t want to see Lauren fail.

  “Shoot! That’s such bad news for your throat, Lo. So, I take it Blanche’s role is now up for the taking?” Tess shot Lauren—whom she’d actively tried to kill via voodoo dolls and death stares throughout the academic year—an apologetic smile.

  “Actually, no.” Finlay rearranged the beret on his head. “Someone else has already got the role. Y’all, say hello to your new Blanche—Grace Shaw!”

  People golf-clapped, glancing between Lauren and me for official permission to celebrate the announcement. I ducked my head, feeling my cheeks blush.

  Lauren rolled her eyes. “Oh, for goodness’ sake, a little more enthusiasm, folks!” She hugged me, leaning forward to whisper in my ear, “You totes deserve it. I saw how passionate you were about this project from day one. I’m glad it’s you, Shaw.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Right on, Grace! Glad to have you on board.” Aiden, my co-star, gave my shoulder a squeeze.

  Soon, people lined up to hug and congratulate me. Tess wasn’t one of them. I was hardly surprised. Even before the news broke about my role as Blanche, she hadn’t been happy about West and me.

  West. I couldn’t wait to tell him about my role. He was going to be over the moon. Karlie too. And Grandma Savvy …

  If she remembers who I am today.

  “All right, I’ve got two back-to-back lectures and a wax appointment. See y’all at four o’clock. Be here and be queer!” Finlay finger-waved to his cast, swaggering up the stairs and out of sight. Everyone trickled out in clusters, chatting and laughing among themselves.

  I lifted my head, coming face-to-face with Tess, who like me had stayed behind.

  Her lips were pursed, her eyes clouded with anger. Disappointment marred her face with streaks of blotchy, red stains.

  “Wow,” she breathed.

  I smiled politely.

  “Congratulations, I guess. Not sure where it is going to get you—it’s not like you’re about to win any Tony Awards with this … with this …”

  “Face?” I completed the sentence for her gently. “So you keep remindin’ me. Let me give you a piece of advice, Tess. If you can’t change the outcome of somethin’, let it go.”

  “I just think it’s so unfair. So … so selfish!” Tess threw her hands in the air, her shoulders slouched. “Historically speaking, the actress to play Blanche always soared and skyrocketed from obscurity. From off-Broadway shows to the West End, school plays, and even movies. Have you ever watched All about My Mother?” She slanted her head, throwing me a doubtful look. I couldn’t say that I had, so I offered her a shrug.

  “That’s what I thought. The whole movie starts with the mother in the story. She is enamored with the actress who plays Blanche. Her love toward Blanche leads to terrible tragedy. Blanche is magic. Iconic. I was born to be her. And you …” She sucked in a breath. She buried her face in her palms, giving her head a desperate shake.

  “You’ve already taken West. Look, I get it. You won. He’s yours. I don’t even care anymore. But you can’t take away Blanche, too. Please, Grace. This role can be it for me. It could open so many doors. For you, this is where it’s going to start … and end. You don’t even want to go onstage. Been avoiding it for as long as I’ve known you. You’ll never do anything with your acting career, and even if you wanted to, you have no chan …”

  She looked away from me, knowing that she’d overstepped again. I knew the rest of the sentence. She began to pace the length of the room, her muscles long and tight.

  “I’ll give you Stella’s role. I’ll hook you up with my agent. We could help each other! Yes!” She snapped her fingers together, beaming. “It’s going to be amazing. We’ll fix each other’s crowns. You know I’ve always been on your side.”

  Did Tess really think just because she wasn’t actively mean to me, she’d been doing me a huge favor? I felt my fists clenching beside my b
ody.

  “No can do, Tess. In life, you have to let other people have their win. Failure builds you up or breaks you down. It’s your choice what to do with it.”

  I uncurled my fists, tipping my chin up as I examined her beautiful, yet painfully vacant face.

  “You’re going to take everything from me, huh? Not gonna stop until you break me?” she murmured.

  “Are you kiddin’ me?” I seethed, losing patience. “You have the entire world at your feet. Everything I have—this role, West, life—has come to me after twice the work you put into things.”

  “Exactly!” Tess growled with frustration, waving her hands around in front of my face. “Exactly that, Grace. Everything you’ll ever achieve will be hard-earned, if even possible, in the world of acting. It’s clear Professor McGraw gave you this role to cut a corner and let you pass. I’m the one who gets screwed over here. I’m the one who is losing the role of her life.”

  The worst part was I knew Tess truly wasn’t a horrible person deep inside. She simply wanted all the things that I’d happened to accomplish. Up until this year, until West and Blanche happened, she was the nicest to me out of all my peers.

  Until I was no longer invisible to everyone else.

  Until I became her competition.

  Until I won.

  “Tess,” I whispered, narrowing my eyes. “I’m sorry you feel that way. But I’m not goin’ to give up the role to appease you. I won’t give up on my boyfriend either. I hope you come to your senses and realize you’re better than this.” I jerked my chin in her general direction. “Have a good rest of the day. I’ll see you at four.”

  Turning around, I walked away, feeling her eyes on my back, like a rifle’s lens.

  Nobody warned me what was going to happen when the phoenix finally burst up from the ashes, ridding its glorious, red-tipped wings of the heavy dust.

  That there would be other monsters and creatures to fight along the way.

  That despite having its freedom, there were still battles ahead.

  And that all of them would be bloody.

  Grace

  After a tense rehearsal which consisted of Tess moping and quarreling with Finlay over every minor thing—the stage’s lighting, the late hour, her coffee-stained manuscript, and even the dang weather (“It’s too hot, can’t we continue tomorrow?”) I made my way to my pickup, emotionally drained.

  I was so exhausted that I resorted to texting West the good news about my role, which I was growing more and more excited about. I didn’t have it in me to pick up when he called. I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm that the conversation deserved. I promised myself I’d bring him a hearty sandwich tomorrow, made from scratch, and tell him about what had happened with Professor McGraw at length.

  I parked in front of my house, walking in to the sound of a commotion upstairs. My back stiffened. Marla was yelling, and the persistent rattle of a wooden door echoed through the house.

  “Open up, you old bat. I ain’t asking again. I’ll call Sheriff Jones and have him kick this thing down. You’re puttin’ yourself in real danger here!”

  Lord, what now?

  I dumped my backpack at the landing, racing up the stairs. Rounding the corner to the hallway, I spotted Marla pounding her fists on the bathroom door, her face flushed and hair a mess. Her fists were pink and swollen.

  “Savannah!” Her roar almost blew the roof to the sky. “Open up right this second!”

  The sound of water whooshing from the other side of the door filled my ears.

  “No!” Grams’ voice jangled like a coin in an empty piggybank, hollow and screeching. “You ain’t fooling me no more. You want to lure my sweet, sweet Courtney back to drugs. I’m not opening up. I don’t know you, miss. If anything, I’m going to call Sheriff Jones and have him come arrest you. This is my property! I may be old, but I sure know my rights.”

  It wasn’t the first or even fifth time Grams didn’t recognize Marla, but it was the first time she’d actively resisted her.

  “What’s goin’ on?” I asked, placing my hand on her shoulder.

  Marla wiped the sweat from her face, shaking her head. When she turned around to face me, I could tell she’d been crying. Her eyes were shiny and puffy.

  “I can’t do this anymore, honey pie. I’m so sorry. I just can’t. Your grandmomma is …” She shook her head, pursing her lips to stop herself from bawling. “She’s not doing well. And keeping her here, undiagnosed, is not doing her any favors. You sending her to a nursing home is not about doing what’s convenient for you, sweetheart. It is not a selfish act. I wish you’d understand this. At this point, you’re doing the poor woman a disservice by keeping her here. She is no longer in a position to make her own choices. She ain’t lucid, and she belongs in a place that can accommodate her needs twenty-four seven. Grace …” She choked, her chin wobbling with the impending burst of a wail. “No one is going to accept this job. And that is something you must accept.”

  I gave Marla a quick hug and sent her off, then hiked up my sleeves to pound on the door.

  The water had begun to leak through the door crack. My breath hitched as I watched the thin sheet of water sliding down beneath my FILAs, making its way to the hallway. Was she filling up the bathtub?

  I didn’t know how she managed to lock Marla outside. She wasn’t supposed to be there alone. Ever.

  You were supposed to swap out the doorknobs that could be picked from the outside, a little voice inside me fumed. You kept telling yourself Grams was incapable of being so reckless. Of doing something so dangerous. Another lie you fed yourself about her.

  “Grams,” I called out in my softest voice. “It’s me, Gracie-Mae, your grandchild. Please open the door so I can help you.”

  “Gracie who?” she asked with a suspicious huff. “I don’t know any Gracie-Mae. The only family I have is Freddie and my Courtney, and she’s in trouble, because riffraff like yourself are trying to sell her drugs. But I’m not going to let it happen anymore. It ends now. Right, Courtney, baby?”

  Who was she talking to?

  Dear God, how bad was she?

  But I already knew the answer to that question. I just pretended it wasn’t so.

  I grabbed the door handle, giving it a shake. When that didn’t work, I slammed my palms flat against the wood desperately.

  The water kept pouring, slithering down the stairs now. Just like the night of the fire, but in reverse. She was going to drown. I couldn’t let it happen. I feared even if I called West or Sheriff Jones, by the time they got here, something bad would have happened.

  “I’m comin’ in!” I announced, angling my shoulder toward the door and taking a step back. I used all the momentum I could muster and crashed into the door with the side of my shoulder.

  Other than possibly dislocating it, nothing happened.

  Crap. Crap. Triple crap.

  “Grams!” I hit the door, gasping. No answer.

  I thrust my shoulder against the door again, trying to pick at the door handle, the sting of tears coating my eyes. I fumbled to take out my phone, calling West while continuing my attempts to open the door.

  “Tex,” he answered after the first ring. “What’s up?”

  “I need you to come here. Grams locked herself in the bathroom, and the water’s runnin’. It’s everywhere, West.”

  “On my way.”

  I heard him getting up and the sound of his wallet chain, the jingle of his keys as he scooped them up, and the crunching of his boots on loose gravel.

  “I worry you are going to be too late …” I choked on my words. I should have never left her alone. Marla couldn’t take care of her on her own.

  Then, what? Do you want to drop out of college and dedicate your life to taking care of someone who you make miserable and doesn’t even remember you half the time?

  I heard him revving the Ducati, but he didn’t hang up.

  “Do you have your debit card handy?”

  “Ah, I don’t
have a card,” I mumbled, blushing.

  “Any cards in your wallet? Costco? Health insurance?”

  “I have my library card,” I swallowed.

  “Is it plastic?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m going to walk you through unlocking the door. Get the card.”

  “Okay.”

  I ran back downstairs, holding the phone while he was on speaker, and hunted for my wallet in my JanSport. It took me three times before I managed to produce the library card, my fingers shook so badly. I sprinted up the stairs again, positioning myself in front of the bathroom door. The water reached the ground floor, and terror flooded through me.

  I could hear West riding, the wind blowing about. His phone was tucked inside his helmet, the way I saw him doing dozens of times.

  “Got it?” he asked.

  “Got it.”

  “Slide the card between the door and the frame, just above the lock.”

  I did as I was told, my breath stuck in my throat.

  “Now, tilt the card toward the door handle and try to bend it between the lock and the frame.”

  “On it.”

  I wiggled the card back and forth, feeling the lock latching and unlatching, but not all the way. My raw nerves shot a signal to the rest of my body, making me tremble. The heavy swishing of water in the bathtub on the other side of the door made me want to throw up. And then …

  The door clicked, sliding open, just an inch. I flattened my hand on it, bursting in. Grams was in the bathtub, completely clothed, the water at her chin-level. She stared me down, awake, her eyes murky.

  She looked like she wanted to shoot me.

  “It’s open!” I cried into the phone with relief, dropping the device in the dry sink. I launched toward Grams. She swatted me away, her hand heavy with water. I turned off the water immediately.

  “Get out of here, you Devil’s child! Get out of my house! Out of my life!”

  I stopped dead in my tracks.

  “Look at your face!” she hissed. “Monster.”

  I patted my face, realizing that sometime during my efforts to unlock the bathroom door, I’d discarded my ball cap. “The Devil has touched you, and now you are marked. Ugly and tainted, inside and out. You’re here to take my Courtney, aren’t you?”