The Education of Margot Sanchez

by Lilliam Rivera

  “This is some kind of a cruel joke,” I say.

  “No. I borrowed my aunt’s car. She trusts me so it wasn’t a big deal,” he says. “There was a time when she wouldn’t but that was a long time ago.”

  “I’m not talking about that,” I say. “I’m serious, Moises.”

  There’s a long pause. He caresses the back of his neck.

  “I wanted to see you,” he says. “I’m not going to lie. At first I thought it was a physical thing but it’s more. And I think you feel the same way.”

  Although my body warms up because of what he says, I can’t help but feel sad too. Sad enough that I have to look away. My friends at Somerset may not know me but I accepted that a long time ago. They like the small amounts of personality I reveal. With Moises, I expose too much and I’m unable to defend myself.

  He sits down on the sand.

  “That party ain’t going nowhere. Just sit here with me for a sec,” he says. “I promise to leave in a few. I won’t ruin your night.”

  The waves are mesmerizing to watch but I can still make out the bass of a song. A reminder of where I should be.

  “Five minutes,” he adds.

  What is it about Moises that compels me to stay? Eventually, I sit down. He moves closer to me, close enough that our knees touch. We sit like that for what feels like forever. There are so many mixed-up feelings. I keep my eyes glued to the ocean because he’s staring at me but I can’t keep it up. Soon I turn to face him.

  “Let’s just get out of here,” Moises says. “You and me.”

  He cups my face like he did that time on the roof. We kiss and it’s everything. But then Nick and the rest of Somerset enter my thoughts, as do Elizabeth and Papi. I know I belong somewhere else, so I pull away.

  Moises stares down at the sand. He picks up one of the seashells.

  “It’s true what they say about me. I used to sell drugs,” he says. “It was a role everybody expected me to take, especially after Orlando got busted. But my aunt and friends showed me that I didn’t have to be that person.”

  He blows the sand off the seashell and hands it to me.

  “I know what it feels like to want to belong,” he says. “You stealing those cases for your friends, that ain’t you. Not the real you anyway.”

  His brown eyes seek to connect. He speaks in a gentle manner but his words still sting. This is my choice. I’m going to be a person people will admire. This is the role I choose to take.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  I drop the seashell, stand up, and walk away from him. The party is straight ahead. I walk in the direction of the other life that waits for me. I don’t know if Moises is following me. I don’t look back.

  My first task is to take a shot of something strong because I don’t know how else to deal. The second is to find Nick. A shot is easy. In fact, I take two. I locate Nick in the kitchen with Rebecca.

  “Hi, Nick.” I cut right in front of Rebecca like she doesn’t even exist. I stake my claim. “Been looking for you. Come dance with me.”

  The shots take over and give me courage. Nick doesn’t seem to notice. And why should he? He’s never really heard me speak before.

  In the corner of my eye, Moises watches this go down.

  A person pushes into me. The kitchen is hot with people grabbing beers from the cases I’ve provided. This should make me happy, but instead I feel as if the walls are closing in. To keep me from getting trampled, Nick leads me to a window. I close my eyes and relish the breeze that comes in from the beach.

  “You look pretty tonight,” Nick says. His hand glides to my waist and lands softly against my back. I keep my eyes closed. Nick leans in closer and I smell his strong cologne. He smells expensive. The room spins and the only thing keeping me from landing on my face is my grip on the windowsill.

  The deejay plays the latest from rapper MiT and everyone hollers. I’m swept up as we run to the living room. I spot Freddie and Willie. They sit on a sofa by a couple of girls. Freddie is saying something. The girls are laughing at him, with him? I don’t know. Freddie looks at me and gives me a nod. He seems right at home here. How does that even work, to feel comfortable no matter the circumstances? Moises gives Freddie and Willie the pound, then walks across the room.

  Why can’t this be easy for me? My dance moves are clumsy. After a while, I just press against Nick. He holds me tight. Moises doesn’t dance. He leans against a wall and bounces his head to the beat while he stares at me. I close my eyes but Moises’s face appears in my thoughts and I’m filled with guilt.

  The music switches from rap to reggae. The room is stuffed with bodies gyrating as one. Nick grinds in but I pull away.

  “I need some air,” I say. I can’t keep this up, not with Moises steps away.

  “Let’s go for a walk.” Nick grabs a blanket from an outdoor chest and produces a bottle of vodka and two plastic cups. We walk past Moises, who’s now standing by the door. I keep my eyes to the ground.

  “Margot,” Moises says.

  “Something up?” Nick asks.

  “Naw, nothing is up,” Moises says. “I’m heading back into the city. Margot, there’s room for you in the car. Let me drive you back.”

  I can’t look at him.

  “No, I’m staying,” I mumble. There’s a long pause.

  “Good luck then,” he says, and walks away.

  • • •

  Nick and I are both shivering. He places his arm around me.

  “Here’s to the end of summer,” he says as he pours me another drink.

  “Uh-huh.” I take a large gulp.

  I’ve wanted this. Why can’t I sink into it and allow the moment to engulf me? When I turn to Nick, I’m relieved to find that the darkness conceals his face. It’s easy to be daring in the dark. No accusing eyes. I lean over to him and make the first move. I plan to see this to the end.

  His tongue rolls around in my mouth. Clumsy and sloppy. I’m angry about not wanting him more. So I kiss him harder but I still feel nothing. No matter what I do I can’t get Moises out of my head.

  I pull away and stand. My hand brushes the sand off my legs. What am I doing?

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  Nick’s smart. Nice. The beach house is insane. I can just imagine what his real home must be like. There are no confusing signals from him. He’s everything Moises is not. This is an easy decision. I can do this. I’m not a child.

  “Why are you here with me?” I ask.

  He probably thinks this is the alcohol talking, and he might be right.

  “I like you. I’ve seen you around,” he says. “Serena and Camille said you were cool. Been meaning to talk.”

  Nick needed the right circumstances to chat me up. The whole package had to be complete. And now it is. I’m perfect. But we’re not really talking, are we? That’s not the point. I sit down and we kiss again.

  This time, he pulls back.

  “Let’s slow down,” he says. “We don’t have to rush anything.”

  But we do. Things gnaw inside me. This is what I can do to keep the truth at bay. I’ll do whatever I can to squash my feelings for Moises and my feelings about my actions.

  “I want to,” I say.

  Things move fast. Soon Nick is taking the lead but he doesn’t cup my face. His fingers are rough but I keep going. I don’t stop. I’m really going to do this. He fumbles with a condom. Everything happens so quickly because I’m willing it. Nick goes along. It hurts, from his kisses on my neck to his body thrusting against me, but it’s over quickly. I stand and take the bottle of vodka with me. I need this moment to become one massive blur, to be obliterated from my mind. I leave Nick there as he pulls up his pants.

  “Where are you going?” he asks. “Did I do something wrong?”

  I don’t answer and he doesn’t follow. Moises would have made sure I was safe. He would have walked me. Wait, what am I thinking? Moises would never have been invited to this party.


  Each step is weighed down by the sand. Or is it the bottle I’m clinging to? I toss the empty bottle and walk back to the crowded party. There’s no sign of Freddie or Willie. No sign of Moises.

  “Shake that ass!” Serena pulls me to the dance floor. She spins me around and around till I can barely breathe. I’m going to be sick.

  “I can’t anymore,” I plead with her. “I’m so drunk.”

  “So am I!” Serena screams and laughs like a lunatic. I force laughter until tears stream down my cheeks. Are people staring? No, I’m laughing. That’s what they see.

  “I need to leave. I think I’m going to throw up.”

  “Are you crazy!” Serena says. “The music is pumping. You can’t go!”

  I stumble away from her. I have to find Camille. I need to go before I see Nick and before I throw up and truly make a fool of myself. The line to the bathroom is not that long but I still manage to convince the girl at the front of it to let me cut. Inside the bathroom I splash cold water on my face. I’ve got to pull myself together. Camille won’t help me if I’m sick. I need her to point me in the direction of her house. She told me she lived only a couple of houses away from Nick.

  Although it’s difficult, I manage to walk up the stairs. Camille is sitting on a lounge chair with a guy. He’s trying to kiss her neck but Camille swats him away every time. I inhale deeply and march up to her.

  “Camille, can I talk to you for a second?” I hope she’s as drunk as I am. “Do you mind if I head over to your place?”

  “Where’s Nick? And Serena said some guys you know from the Bronx showed up. What is going on?”

  The guy nuzzles her some more. Camille acts like she’s annoyed but she loves the attention.

  “I left Nick on the beach,” I blurt out. I keep my stupid grin on even when I know it’s more of a grimace.

  “Oh my god! You are a bad bitch,” Camille says. “I want to know what happened.”

  The guy pinches her side and Camille shrieks. He won’t stop and I know I have a way out.

  “What’s the address again?” I say.

  “It’s Thirteen Twenty-Two Meadow Lane. The green house. Here’s the extra key and don’t get sick!”

  From the balcony, I see Nick talking to Serena. He’s searching for me. I’ve got to go. I sneak out the door.

  I’m drunk and on some destructive path. The houses along the beach look exactly the same but I eventually find Camille’s house. On the walk I throw up twice. I open the door and don’t bother looking for a light switch. I find the couch and fling myself onto it. The room turns and turns. Sand has invaded every crevice of my body. I try not to be sick again.

  On paper, my first time could very well be described as romantic. I was with a sweet boy on the beach, I could say, with the waves crashing and a half-moon. The reality is more like a wrestling match played on fast forward with me trying to avoid Nick’s sloppy tongue. I thought being with Nick would banish thoughts of Moises. That didn’t happen. What I have to show for my first time is sand up my ass and emptiness.

  Chapter 19

  There is not enough water to wash down the taste of bile in my mouth. I couldn’t escape the Hamptons quickly enough. I snuck out before anyone woke up, ordered a cab to take me to the station, and left. I want to forget what happened last night and hide in my room.

  Sometime during the night, I overheard Camille and Serena talking about my hookup with Nick. While I pretended to sleep, they argued over which one deserved credit. Serena believes Nick and I make a great couple. Camille insists that he’s nothing but the jump-off and that I will now be open to other Somerset possibilities. The topic soon switched over to the sluttiest girl at the party.

  Funny how at any other time I would have been happy to hear Serena and Camille talk about me. This should be my moment. I got the social props I’ve been working toward. Instead, I’m disgusted with myself.

  I approach my house and hear voices yelling out in anger. There’s a temptation to turn right back to the train station but I accept this as another form of punishment for my mistakes. I go in.

  “Pero Victor!” Mami is in the family room with her hands pressed against her hips. My father’s back is to her.

  “He’s been with you for twenty years. You know he has other mouths to feed.” Mami grabs his arm. Her voice gets louder. “How is he supposed to take care of his family? Did you ever think about that?”

  “Ya. Stick to what you know: the house, the kids.” He pushes past her and straight into his office. He slams the door shut.

  Mami’s erect posture drops into a slouch. She presses her hand against her forehead and brushes her hair back. This has been going on for some time. I walked in at the tail end. She’s unaware of my presence.

  “Mami,” I say gently so as not to startle her. “What’s going on?”

  She looks at me as if she doesn’t recognize me. Then she grabs a towel from behind the bar and wipes it down.

  “What happened?”

  “Your father is making a big mistake.” She mumbles to herself some more as if I’m not in the room. “He used to rely on me for every decision regarding that place. Y ahora qué? Nothing. I just don’t know. Life was easier when we had one small supermarket. Simple.”

  “Mami, you’re not telling me anything,” I say. “What’s going on?”

  She looks up for a second but returns to polishing the corner of the bar.

  “Mami?”

  “I’m busy. Please bring down your laundry.”

  It’s useless. She’s lost in memories of the past. I’ve seen the pictures of the three of them—Mami, Papi, and Junior posed in front of the supermarket. Life may have been easier back then but she fails to remember that I wasn’t around. Mami wants to go back in time. Does she even care how that makes me feel?

  I wait a few minutes before heading over to Papi’s office. Unlike Mami, he’ll talk. Before entering, I announce myself. I don’t want him to think Mami is back to rage some more.

  “La Princesa,” he says with his arms open. A wave of emotion washes over me. I didn’t realize how much I needed a hug.

  “We both have very sad faces.” He lifts my chin up. “I can afford to be sad but you, you’re too young.”

  Papi leans his head on mine, something he used to do when I was little. He would lean on it until I couldn’t bear the weight. There’s a pit in my stomach. Bad things always come in threes. First Moises. Then my moment at the beach with Nick. What else can make this weekend worse?

  “You should know this before heading back to work on Monday,” Papi says. “I had to let Oscar go.”

  This can’t be right. Oscar’s been with Papi since he started Sanchez & Sons. They knew each other from back on the island. Oscar technically runs the place. There must be a mistake.

  “Why?” I ask.

  “He’s been stealing money for some time and when I confronted him he denied it,” Papi says. “Plus, there were some stock discrepancies that didn’t add up.”

  Stock discrepancies. Missing beer cases. This is my fault. I got Oscar fired. He could have easily explained to Papi that I was the one who stole the cases of beer but he didn’t. Oscar protected me.

  “That can’t be right. Why would he steal?” I say. “He loves us.”

  “Junior brought it to my attention. It makes sense,” Papi says. “Now tell me what you did this weekend so that you can cheer me up.”

  “But what’s going to happen to him? What about his family?”

  “We discovered who the thief is and we handled it. It’s fine. Things happen.”

  The shame I feel is so deep that it fills the room.

  “But Papi, maybe I made a mistake. I probably made an error when I was checking the stock. Jasmine didn’t train me. I’m positive it’s my fault.”

  “There’s no excuse for what he did,” Papi says. “If there’s no trust, there’s nothing. The only people I can trust are family. You understand that now, don’t you? I only have you
two kids to mind the store.”

  His Princesa can do no wrong. Maybe she can steal his credit card and charge up clothes but worse than that? He doesn’t know me. I could come clean right now. I could tell Papi I was the one who stole the beers and that Oscar is completely innocent. But I don’t say a word. I’m too much of a coward. This mask I wear that conceals my true self, I will keep it on forever at the cost of Oscar, Moises, and everyone.

  “Hey, hey. What’s going on here?” Papi holds me tight. “There’s no need for tears. Oscar will find another job. Everything will work out.”

  No, it won’t.

  • • •

  Junior’s bedroom door is ajar. A towel hangs loosely around his waist and I can see his bones. I can actually count his ribs. This is the thinnest I’ve ever seen him.

  “Jesus, you are so skinny.” I touch his scrawny arm.

  “It’s hard to eat when you got people stealing your food.” He quickly pulls on a long-sleeved shirt. “Those tears better not be for Oscar.”

  Junior doesn’t look right. His clothes are so baggy on him. “Are you sick?”

  “That son of a bitch has been wiping us clean for months. You think I could eat knowing that?” Junior talks at a rapid speed. His face is flushed but I can’t tell if that’s from the shower or from something else.

  “I had my suspicions about Oscar but Papi wasn’t going to be believe me until I had proof. If that fucker was struggling, he should have spoken up. He didn’t just fuck our father. Oscar fucked our whole family.” Junior’s once-muscular arms thrash around like long toothpicks. “He fucked you over.”

  My stomach churns. His words make me dizzy. Junior is on something and I can’t figure out what. Or maybe it’s the combination of my hangover and the news of Oscar that makes me feel sick again. It’s too much.

  “How did you find out?” I ask.

  “It doesn’t matter how I found out. I should have known right away. He never wanted me to work there. Oscar was always pissing on my ideas. See, that’s what he gets.”

  “What is going on with you? You’re scaring me,” I say. “Maybe you should go see a doctor. About your weight?”